When Parents Disagree

When Parents Disagree

By Doone Estey

Lindsay: Oh, I forgot to tell you. I’m getting a ride to Ryan’s party from Kate.

Dad: Ryan’s party?

Lindsay: Yeah, on Saturday. Oh, and her curfew is midnight and she said she’ll bring me home a few minutes before.

Dad: Your curfew is 11 o’clock, honey.

Lindsay: But everyone is staying until 12 – and I’ve been really good about coming home on time.

Mom: That’s true, Mike. Maybe just this once…

Dad: No! We have rules in this house. I don’t care about what everyone else is doing. A curfew is a curfew.

Sound familiar? Any parent of a teen can imagine where this is going. Being parents is always a matter of negotiation – progressing very quickly from disagreeing over nap times to implementing curfews.

Here are some tips to help parents work together.

Embrace differences. Couples often have different opinions about important aspects of their life together, such as how to spend money, or where to vacation. Why should raising children be any different? Every parent brings his own emotional baggage from his childhood to his parenting style. Thus, it is critical for parents to appreciate from the very beginning that they will often find themselves agreeing to disagree.

Compromise is king. The important thing for parents is to recognize that differing approaches deserve equal consideration. When a disagreement arises, before things get too heated, parents should try to have a healthy discussion. They should listen to each other’s perspectives, acknowledge the other’s point of view -- and reach an agreement that is acceptable to both. Remember – it’s not about winning, it’s about resolving the matter in a way that makes sense to both parents and, hopefully, to the child as well.

Rules have exceptions. One benefit of two parental perspectives is that children learn that not all situations are resolved in the same way. When parents agree on a consistent plan (“Absolutely NO getting in the car with someone who has been drinking!”) it is easy for them to implement it. However, there should also be room for sometimes compromises. For example, “You can go to the party this time provided you check in with us” means that children learn that the rules are steadfast in some situations and malleable in others. This gives them the benefit of more freedoms than if they had two strict parents -- and more limits than if they had two permissive parents.

Learn from each other. Sometimes one parent is interested in trying new approaches to parenting, whether learned from a friend, a book or a class. If the other parent is resistant, all is not lost. Children will notice the changes in the one parent’s approach and will respond accordingly. When the other parent observes the positive response, they will likely begin to try the new skill at their own pace.

Should parents present a ‘united front’? This is a great idea in theory, but practically speaking, children know from a very young age who to go to for more allowance, help with their homework, someone to make them a snack or permission to do anything fun.
A more effective approach might be to have an open discussion with the child, with input from all 3 parties and everybody’s reasons for their points of view all out on the table. The key here is to be respectful to each other and to be ready to compromise.

Modeling respectful conflict skills is one of the most important gifts parents can give their children. After all, how will children ever learn to deal with conflict in an emotionally mature way if it always takes place behind closed doors? Seeing practical examples of how to resolve conflicts is essential to children’s healthy development. Even when there is a good parent/bad parent scenario, if parents explain their rationale, children will see that both mom and dad have their best interests at heart.

So in our alternative scenario, Dad and Mom sit down with Lindsay and explain their concerns -- and a compromise is reached.

Dad: I suppose that if you promise to check in around 11, don’t go to anyone else’s house and come home with Kate, it would be okay.

Mom: And you know we’re here to pick you up if you need us. The main thing is your safety so we hope you will always be honest with us.