Good Morning…Routine

In a perfect world, everyone would be a morning person, up at the crack of dawn, cheery and ready to face the day with their workbags packed and teeth sparkling. But the reality for most families is that mornings are a scramble.

Do you almost lose your mind and voice each morning as you coax, remind and even threaten your kids? The stress can escalate all too quickly and leave a pallor on the rest of the day.

So what can we do to bring more peace and harmony to the mornings?

To continue click here Good Morning…Routine

Making Mornings Manageable

If you dove right in after last week’s blog and started working on your family’s morning routine, you may have bumped up against Rule #1 with the kids: things almost always get worse before they get better. Most of us don’t like change. So take it as a good sign and don’t give up.

Rule #1 with parents: WHAT you say and HOW you say it is almost more important than anything else you do. With this in mind, here are some suggestions for working out the kinks and winning over even the most challenging child.

To continue click here Making Mornings Manageable

"Boy Smarts" Speaker Comes to the Toronto Area

Parenting Network wants you to know about speakers who come to the Toronto area. These speakers we recommend to you, as they complement and add to what you're learning through our courses. Here's one, if you have a son!

Barry MacDonald is a teacher, therapist and father from Vancouver and spoke to a sold-out audience here in the spring. He's a specialist in parenting or teaching boys, and makes a return engagement this week.

More event details:

A great way to get a jumpstart on mentoring your son for success is to get yourself to Canada’s “Boy Expert” for an action-packed and fun-filled MUST SEE “Boy Smarts” presentation. Barry MacDonald’s talk is full of many "ah ha" moments that will leave your heart full with dozens of new ideas to be a calmer, happier and more effective parent.

Check out his website where you can sign up for his fabulous free e-newsletter and find loads of practical advice. Don't delay!

Order tickets from the box office today - Richmond Hill Tickets Box Office

Event flyer for more info: BoySmarts Richmond Hill event - Oct1 09

Comment back here on our blog once you attend. Share your insights. We'd love to hear about it!

Parenting Network is Toronto's leading company helping parents, caregivers and teachers to build relationships and family harmony. We've literally helped thousands of families over 20 years to create healthier family relationships and more harmony in your home through our courses, workshops, parent coaching, private counselling or classes.

If you are keen to make some family improvements, our classes will solve whatever little chaos you may have in your home… and that’s a guarantee!

Whether you’re the parent of a Toddler, Preteen or Teen, there’s a course to fit your stage.

Fall course registration is in full swing. Go to: Parenting Network to register now.

When a Parent's "I Love You" Means "Do As I Say"

In The New York Times this week in an article by the same name, Alfie Kohn convincingly makes the connection between unconditional love and acceptance for a child with the parenting tools that carry this message into action. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/15/health/15mind.html?_r=1

You know the saying: "Actions speak louder than words", so you already know how desperately important this is. Read on!

Unconditional love is one of the 3 parenting attitudes needed to be effective with your child in the short and the long-term that we teach at Parenting Network. These attitudes are unique to our courses, and the secret to parenting effectively. [ Shh! Don't tell! ;-) It's secret!]

He pointedly shows how common parenting techniques (including those advocated by the "big" names of Dr. Phil and the Supernanny!) in fact do not lead parents to raise highly effective adults who are ready to meet life's challenges!

And since I haven't met a parent yet - in my 5 years of leading parenting classes & workshops - who has said: "Boy, I really want to make the childhood of my offspring more difficult & really give them lots of issues to deal with as an adult", then I KNOW that ALL parents (who are not negligent in their parenting role) have good intentions to love their children unconditionally.

So, what stands in your way to create the long-term results for your child that you want?

• "I didn't know!" is a common refrain. Sometimes, out of the best intentions come unintended negative results long-term - another way of saying "ignorance" or just not knowing. Kohn outlines some of the common parenting techniques, even those advocated by the "big" names of Dr. Phil and the Supernanny, that don't stand the test of time!
• "Parenting is experimenting, isn't it really? because nobody actually knows what will happen!" or lack of experience in parenting, because most of us haven't done it before. That's the beauty of the research studies quoted. They show that praising, criticizing, withholding love, withdrawing love, punishment, criticism, etc. don't work!

Quite often in our classes (maybe you're one of them - and that's okay!), parents tell me they don't understand how praise can be detrimental to a child's sense of how they see themselves--their self-esteem. Kohn writes clearly in the article about this connection and the negative long-term impact.

Conditions on love by parents does in fact lead to a child's loss of self-confidence, lack of closeness and caring in the parent-child relationship from the child's perspective. In our courses, you'll learn what ELSE doesn't work and what to REPLACE it with. And, we'll give you practice in class before you try it out at home!

Welcome back this fall to Parenting Network and the courses that support you through each step along the way. With us, you'll turn your good intentions into parenting moments with your kids that WILL stand the test of time - guaranteed!

Fall course registration is in full swing. Course size is limited - so don't delay!

Click on this link to see your course selection for parents of children, preteens, teens, How to Talk to Kids Will Listen, and maintaining a dynamic life partnership during your parenting years:
Parenting Network courses

by Joy Morassutti
Certified Parent Educator

Joy is Parenting Network 's specialist for the up to 10 years 'set' and teaches the "Parenting I - Raising Great Kids" course. Want to raise respectful, responsible, great kids? Parenting Network has helped thousands of parents do just that! This course is the place to start. Joy is also a trained parent coach - making positive and practical parenting solutions come together for you to create the harmony and joy you want to have in your home!

Looking for an Easy Transition Back to School?

My street, that has been serenely quiet for 2 months, was a buzz this week with children’s chatter and giggles. There’s definite excitement in the air as another school year begins.

Some children will navigate this time with ease and others will be full of angst. If your child is in the latter group you’re likely carrying around some worry about how they’re going to manage this coming year. Now we know that worry won’t help, so let’s look at some simple steps for you to take that will help.

Step 1: Repeat the following three times - and out loud like you believe it! No cheating here. :)

“My child is capable of being resilient, adaptable and self-confident.”

Step 2: Visualize your child as already being there.

See their relaxed and happy face in other circumstances, and transfer it to school. Now picture you waving, relaxed and assured, as they go off to school with confidence. This is your goal for them– it may take a bit of time, but it can be done.

Step 3: Look for opportunities to encourage these attributes of resilience, adaptability and self-confidence in your child. Dig a little and I bet you’ll find many. Here are 3 ideas to get you started.

1. Don’t take away the ‘surprises’ in life. If you manage their life so it will go smoothly, for example – organize their pack, make their lunch, tell them yet again the plans for the day, book their play dates, etc. – how are they going to learn to handle the struggles and surprises of everyday life?

Or, perhaps you manage their life so your life will run more smoothly? Kids that pitch in, make decisions, and have a voice in family life feel more capable and confident. So be less quick to fix and find ways for them to take charge.

2. Next, make a sign reading “Mistakes are okay in our house” and post it in a prominent place. After all, if you’re going to do less for them it could be ‘ugly’ for a little while! You perfectionists out there will be shuddering but stay with me. Your child needs to be free of the fear of failure to embrace life fully, be adventurous and take some risk. So share the biggest goof of your day at dinner tonight, and sign the family up for wall climbing this weekend.

3. Confidence starts close to home. Children that can master their own community are then ready to master others. Some suggestions:

· Walk and talk. Walk to school, to local shops, to the park and talk about the streets, and the people that live in the homes you pass.
· Let your child lead. Have them show you how to cross a street safely, how to get home from here, and where the bus picks up.
· Encourage your child’s voice. Have them say hello to the crossing guard, place their own order to the ice cream vendor, and get to know the neighbours.

Good luck and we’re here to help if you could use a bit more parenting support and guidance. A great place to start is to check out our selection of Fall Classes at

parentingnetwork.ca!

Stay well!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross

Is Twitter too short for you to get your point across?

Is Twitter too short for you to get your point across? For many teens, however, even Twitter’s 140 characters are still “way too much info”.

As the Mom of a teen-aged son, I should be so lucky as to have the luxury of his attention span for 140 characters. For example, when my son asks,
“What are you doing?”
I might say something like
“Oh, I’m making some caramelized onions for hamburgers and just to have on hand for later. We can use them for—”
Then I hear
“That’s enough, I get it” and he’s out of earshot already. I hear the screen door slam.
Teens want to know what’s going on but not too much and they want to be involved in family life but not too much.

When my son asks the meaning of a word in the book he’s reading, anything longer than a one word synonym is met with a glazed look.

Sometimes he asks a question and as I am opening my mouth, before I have uttered a syllable, I hear
“Never mind...”
Oh well, it’s not about the knowledge I am imparting; it’s about the fact that he’s still ostensibly seeking it in the first place.

And a seemingly simple question, like
“When’s dinner, Mom?”
actually might require a little out loud thinking on my part, such as
“Well, your sister is working the night shift and Dad’s running late so by the time we bbq I’m thinking around...”
If I get this far, I get a look that says ‘please skip to the end of the tape...’

Sometimes as parents we tend to see a question as an opening for conversation but that’s ambitious when you’re dealing with teenagers, I’ve found. We have to be careful we don’t stem the flow of questions by what they consider ‘over sharing’. And any info, if not specifically requested, can be superfluous.

Well, I’m glad that I’m learning to stop talking mid-sentence and that the questions keep coming. As long as they do, I know that the lines of communication are still open.
And when college rolls around again in a few short weeks, I will treasure all these brief moments, as fleeting as the summer days themselves.

Doone Estey
August 2009

Tips: Safer School Supplies

Just as back-to-school shopping kicks into high gear, Environmental Defence has released a PVC-Free School Supply guide!

Polyvinyl chloride (also known as PVC, or vinyl) is used to make a lot of back-to-school products. PVC is a concern because it has dangerous chemical additives, including phthalates, lead, and cadmium. These chemicals may evaporate or leech out of PVC products, and may contribute to developmental disorders and damage of the liver, central nervous, respiratory and reproductive systems. Recent studies have linked PVC flooring in the home to increased rates of autism and asthma in children.

The good news is there are lots of school supplies that don't use PVC. That's where the guide comes in. Published by US-based Center for Health, Environment and Justice (CHEJ), the guide helps you choose safer, PVC-free supplies. Many of the safer alternatives listed (including brand-name food and beverage containers, backpacks, computers, shoes, and some writing supplies) can be easily found on store shelves across Canada.

Want a list of PVC-free school supplies? You can download it for free right now.

Too many lists? Follow this general advice when hitting the stores this summer:

• Look for non-plastic products whenever possible
• Steer clear of products labelled with the words "vinyl" on the packaging (e.g., vinyl 3-ring binders)
• Don't purchase products with the #3 recycling symbol, or with the letters "V" or "PVC" underneath the recycling symbol (remember that bad news comes in #3's, don't buy PVC)
• Call or email the manufacturer or retailer and ask what type of plastic their product is made of if you are uncertain - you have a right to know.

You can share the PVC-Free School Supply guide with your friends and colleagues - just send them a link to our blog.

Safe shopping,
Your team at Parenting Network

Birth Order - Is it the biggest contributor to personality?

Birth Order is a fascinating topic and certainly hits the headlines on a regular basis. The question on everyone's mind is - does Birth Order predict personality or is it more a self-fulfilling prophecy? Listen to Beverley on 640AM radio today at 3:00pm EST as she helps unravel this question, and provides best practice ideas for parents!

“You Can’t Make Me!” How kids assert their independence through defiance
from the August 2009 issue of Today’s Parent magazine

I remember it as plain as day: my four-year-old Sam squaring his shoulders, folding his arms and glaring at me. “You’re not the boss of me!” he said, as I insisted he help put his bike away in the shed.

Learning independence

While moments like these can be tricky to navigate, this kind of defiance is pretty normal at this age. Preschoolers are learning to be independent, capable of making decisions on their own. In fact, says Toronto parenting educator and parentingnetwork.ca founder Beverley Cathcart-Ross, “if they’re not asserting themselves, you should probably be a bit concerned.”

Sometimes children use their words: “You can’t make me” or “Bad Mommy” is a very direct way of expressing frustration with the situation. When a four-year-old says, “I don’t like you, Daddy,” she’s probably trying to hurt your feelings because you’ve hurt her feelings in some way, says Cathcart-Ross. A young child doesn’t have the self-control to resist saying hurtful things, or the language skills to express feelings in more socially acceptable ways. “And we can hurt our children’s feelings simply in the way we treat them,” she adds.

But the dawdler who takes forever to get ready, or sits in the corner oblivious to our pleas to get moving, is also sending a clear message. One way or another, defiant behaviour is a child’s way of expressing that she doesn’t like the demands being made on her.

Kids also have different priorities than their parents, and that can lead to conflict. A child engrossed in building a block tower, when you call him to the dinner table, may resist because what matters to him is finishing his project. “What’s bugging him is the power and control you have,” says Cathcart-Ross. The pitfall, of course, is to escalate the conflict with threats, shame or blame: “If you don’t come now, they’ll be no dinner for you.”

Creating an atmosphere in your home of co-operation rather than competition may help avoid power struggles, says Cathcart-Ross. “When kids feel they’ve lost the competition, they are likely to take the conflict to the next level, which is rebellion, revenge, retaliation (‘I don’t like you, Mommy’) and the blocks go flying in all directions.”

Dealing with defiance

Here are some suggestions from Cathcart-Ross for dealing with your child’s defiance:

Explain the needs of the situation As you get ready to leave the house in the morning, try saying “It’s leaving time. What do you need to do to be ready? Are you going to carry those shoes to the car or get them on? We’ve got to brush our teeth now or we’ll be late for school.” Sometimes parents forget to let kids know what’s expected.

Ask a question If a child is demanding cookies five minutes before lunch is ready, you might ask, “When do we have cookies in our house?” Questions encourage kids to stop and think about the situation. And they help us to avoid saying no, which can escalate the conflict.

Offer information or an alternative For example: “I can tell that you’re really hungry. Would you like to eat some carrot sticks now? Then we can have cookies for dessert later.”

Use humour “Uh-oh, the cookie monster is on the loose!” Kids are born to test your limits. Humour is a great way to head off a potential power struggle. Sometimes just a grin and a raised eyebrow will do the trick.

Involve your child in routines and decisions We often decide the routine, then expect our kids to follow it without question. If your daughter protests when you insist on a bath, you might say, “It seems like you really don’t like taking a bath. Let’s look at the calendar and see if we can decide on three days each week when you will take a bath.” When kids are treated as competent contributors, they tend to be more co-operative.

Disengage Some conflict is inevitable, but that doesn’t mean you have to engage in the power struggle. Parents can model effective ways to deal with conflict: “It seems like we’re having a struggle over turning off the TV before dinner. Let’s both take some time to cool down, then talk about it and see if we can come up with a solution together.” By doing this, you help kids learn to take charge of their own behaviour. They have a choice and a voice in the situation.

To read more parenting articles visit Parenting Network.

To help you make the shift towards more respectful, democratic approaches with your children visit Parenting Network for our listing of popular parenting classes. Registration is now on!

© 2002-2009 Parenting Network. WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Parenting Network has helped thousands of parents become their best since 1989. So, why wait a moment longer? Check out their website Parenting Network for a listing of popular parenting classes and products.

Parents: Training IS Required!

“Parenting is one of the toughest jobs you’ll ever love.”

Certainly many of us have seen this popular aphorism used in advertising or highlighted in a magazine at least once since we’ve become parents. The underlying truth in this statement is that despite the Hollywood depiction of parenthood as wholly blissful and full of joy, being in the trenches with our children can be challenging, frustrating and down right difficult.

But what can we do? Gone are the days when extended families raised children together and the structure of our society is no longer conducive to the “it takes a village” approach to child rearing. The truth of the matter is that being a modern parent can be isolating and it is difficult to know where to turn for solid advice and guidance.

A poignantly written article by Anna Quindlen in a recent edition of Newsweek view Newsweek article ("A Teachable Moment: Being a parent is easy and intuitive, correct? Well, no-it's just customary to pretend that that's the case") references a study done several years ago by psychologist Laurie Miller Brotman where parents of young children from poor socioeconomic and troubled homes were enrolled in parenting programs emphasizing “consistent discipline, positive reinforcement for good behaviour – even how to get down on the floor and play.” The results were stunning and encouraging. “By the time the same kids were 11, both boys and girls were less aggressive, had less stress and the girls were less obese.”

This study speaks to the importance of parenting training. While most people will dedicate countless hours over their lifetimes updating work related skills and training to improve career success, there are few moms and dads who will take the time to register and attend a parenting course to improve skills for the benefit of their families. But investing a little time (an evening workshop or a 6 week course) can be well worth it – fewer power struggles, more sibling harmony, respectful and encouraging family communication and strengthened relationships.

From my own personal experience, aside from the helpful and applicable skills I’ve learned in the parenting courses I’ve attended, one of the biggest bonuses of being in these classes is the bonding with other struggling parents. Most of us (myself included) may sometimes pretend that we’ve got this parenting thing mastered. But there is something so liberating and refreshing about being in a room full of parents who are wiling to say “I messed up” or “my kid is driving me crazy” without recrimination. We listen to each other, gently offer respectful solutions and leave feeling refreshed, connected to other parents and hopeful for the future.

The bottom line is - parenting IS tough - but a little training will offer support and ideas to make this job one you truly will love.

Lori Wilson
Adlerian Parent in Training

For more information, email Joy at joy@parentingnetwork.ca
To help you make the shift towards more respectful, positive approaches with your children visit Parenting Network for our listing of popular parenting classes. Registration is now on!

© 2002-2009 Parenting Network. WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Parenting Network has helped thousands of parents become their best since 1989. So, why wait a moment longer? Check out their website Parenting Network for a listing of popular parenting classes and products.

Please share your opinion and perspective - comment on this post!

Happy Mother's Day: Improved Perspectives

Mother's Day has become one of those celebrations that can be loaded with expectations. Expectations such as, what a mother "should be" or "should do", and can lead us to feelings of doubt, inadequacy and even a devastating sense of failure!

What we hope for ourselves as "Mom" also has the possibility to lead us to wonderful feelings of fulfillment. It happens in those joyous moments when you know you've made a difference in your childrens' lives, and when their hearts shine back at you, full of love!

We'd like to share with you the following 3 inspirations on this special day - Mother's Day!

May your day be filled with the beauty of who you are, and the realization of the many ways that your children are fortunate to have you as their very own mom!

Warmest wishes, from your Parenting Network Team


"MOTHERS"

Real Mothers don't eat quiche;
They don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils
Are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors,
Filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried play dough
Doesn't come out of carpets.

Real Mothers don't want to know what
The vacuum just sucked up.

Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?'
And get their answer when a little
Voice says, 'Because I love you best.'

Real Mothers know that a child's growth
Is not measured by height or years or grade...
It is marked by the progression of Mommy to Mom to Mother...

"The Images of Mother"

4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!

8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.

16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.

18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!

25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit a bout it!

35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.

45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?

65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

"An Ode to the Beauty of A Woman"

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she
Shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!


Thanks to Gillian Williams MacClean at sayingsofsuccess.com for this! Joy, Professional Coach and Parenting Group Facilitator at Parenting Network

For more information on how Parenting Network helps mothers and fathers to have the harmony at home they desire, go to http://parentingnetwork.ca/

THE JOYS AND CHALLENGES OF GRANDPARENTING

The car in front of me had a bumper sticker saying,

If I Knew How Wonderful Grandparenting Was, I Would Have Done It First!

As a grandmother of 6 children from ages 6 to 13 years, I pondered this statement.



How is grandparenting different from parenting?

I loved the time I spent with my own kids. It certainly brought a lot of joys and rewards, but one can’t deny that it also had some challenging times. After all, as parents, my husband and I felt totally responsible for them in every way, just like our children feel now about their own children. Parents often run themselves ragged meeting all the schedules they set up for their children.


It is different with Grandparenting. We have the opportunity to widen their horizons, to expose them to various activities that perhaps their parents are not involved in. In our case, we can share our love of classical music, opera and sailing.

Not only can different activities be shared, but also a more relaxed attitude can be shown around the mistakes and difficult behaviours children often dish out. That combination of age and experience gives us the comfort to say, “This too will pass!”



Each grandparent can develop a certain special relationship with their grandchildren, which sometimes may be different from the one they have with their parents. The kids are smart enough to handle this. This doesn’t have to cause conflict, unless we feel the need to convince our grown children that our way is best! The parents’ position has to be respected, knowing that they also want the best for their children.

If our ideas of raising the grandkids are different from their own parents’, our major rule is: MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

It can be difficult but keeping a strong, cordial relationship with our children and their spouses is paramount.

So we can see our grandchildren more often because:

Grandparenting is great!

› Email Georgine@parentingnetwork.ca

Georgine Nash, Co-founder of Parenting Network.

Find out more about us at parentingnetwork.ca or browse our catalogue for available parenting courses in your area.

What is this Consensual Parenting?

What is this Consensual Parenting?

If you saw the article last week on “Consensual Parenting” in the press, you might have had some unanswered questions.

Consensual parenting devotees give their children a lot of ‘choice and say’ in family decisions. For example, one mom was willing to cancel a doctor’s appointment if her child was crabby, or find childcare. The concern for many parents is - when is this an act of respect for the child and when is it pampering or permissiveness?

Often power struggles with young children can be avoided by providing the child a say in small matters. Generally, this approach works best when the parents’ lives are not too much affected by the decision. For example, not worrying if the child wants to go out with messy hair or the same favourite clothes day after day can be helpful.

You wouldn’t believe how much easier things can get when parents don’t “sweat the small stuff”. The problem is trying to decide exactly what “the small stuff” is, because it differs for every parent. However, once the parent starts doing extra work, ie laundry, to accommodate the child’s choice, then the pampering has started and it can be a slippery slope.

Parents have the right to make choices as well and have a say over what they are willing to do and not do. This is about self-respect – often a neglected concept these days!

Children should not have choices where absolute health and safety are concerned. But they can help decide how often broccoli is on the menu or how high they are going to climb on the monkey bars or how many spots something has to have before it goes in the laundry.

Bedtime can be tricky if the child believes he is being ‘shunted’ off to bed, but often a choice of lights out at 7:30 or 7:45pm and a choice of one story or two will solve the problem.
And if children are given the opportunity to choose what they are going to take for snack when they end up in the car on the way to the doctor’s office, the parent will likely get more co-operation.
To help you make the shift towards more respectful, democratic approaches with your children check out our website Parenting Network for our listing of popular parenting classes and products.

› Email Doone@parentingnetwork.ca

Doone Estey, Parent Educator.

Find out more about us at parentingnetwork.ca or browse our catalogue for available parenting courses in your area.