Is submissive and obedient the goal you have for your child?

Just in case you haven't heard enough about Confessions of a Tiger Mom. :)

Generally when we ask parents what life-skills or qualities they would like their children to have when they grow up “responsible, independent, and happy” would be at the top of their list. Creativity and thinking outside the box are also highly valued characteristics in our society. Submissive, obedient, and being the best in the class, never make the list.

So, if these are our goals, we must parent accordingly, giving our children opportunities to think for themselves, to make choices and to make mistakes. Time management, emotional intelligence, teamwork and leadership are all indispensable skills and basically the foundations are laid in childhood.

All parents want their children to be the best they can be, but parents must weigh the cost of success. If children are successful but not happy, what’s the point? If a child is a star athlete but he is miserable, is it worth it?

Parenting through the ages has evolved and changed, but the importance of respect has always been a vital ingredient. Respect from another cannot be forced or mandated or won through the use of fear. Yelling, “I’m your parent! I deserve some respect!” is not the solution. Respect is cultivated and earned through relationship building. Modeling self-respect and respect for others is much more effective. The use of guilt, shame and humiliation are disrespectful approaches in any relationship in today’s Western society.

While receiving praise and admiration can build confidence it doesn’t build true self-esteem. True self-esteem is based on how people estimate themselves even when they fail, make a mistake or lose. It is not based on what other people think of you, not even your parents. Self-esteem based on one’s performance or grades is doomed to be as good as your last performance.

Should the Canada Junior hockey team be suffering from lowered self-esteem after one bad period? I hope not. While they are surely disappointed, a more constructive attitude would be “let’s learn and grow from this and give it our best again next time”.

Most parents are doing the best job they can raising their children. Evaluating all the tools at their disposal and their relative merits is always a good exercise.

Doone Estey and Beverley Cathcart-Ross
Parenting Network
www.parentingnetwork.cadoone@parentingnetwork.ca