Tips for Building a Healthy Relationship with Your Teen

We recently came across the work of Dr. David Wolfe, from the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, and are now avid followers.

Here are some his practical and common sense ideas on how to build a healthy relationship with your Teen.

1) Be honest and open.

Talk to your teens about dating and sexuality. The research shows that the more open and honest you are with your child the more communication there will be about dating and sexuality. And this is very important because it has been found that a good predictor of less adolescent sex is directly related to how much parents and teens talk openly about sex. Richer discussions about dating and sexuality are one mechanism by which a better quality parent-teen relationship influences adolescent choices to delay sexual activity. 'Richer discussions' means including messages about your attitudes and values about sexuality, advice-giving, and warnings about potentially negative consequences of teenage sexual activity.

2) Be authoritative not authoritarian in your parenting style.

Show an authoritative (not authoritarian) parenting style, which involves a combination of warmth and firmness. Set high standards and have high expectations for your teens regarding their behaviour, and enforce these standards with consistent discipline. However, you should provide an atmosphere of acceptance and psychological autonomy where the teen's views and individuality can develop freely.
(see #3)

3) Think "harm reduction," not zero tolerance.

When it comes to a teens' experimentation with adult privileges (substance use, sex, romance, etc.) it is unrealistic to assume that they will not experiment. Parents who try and enforce absolutes are often in conflict with their teens and most often are kept in the dark about their activities. The alternative is to discuss choices and the pros and cons of these new-found opportunities in a non-threatening manner, and obtain their understanding in advance of consequences for breach of trust. Convey to them that you want them to be safe which implies that they must take personal responsibility for their actions, use their own judgment, and make their own choices.

4) Don't believe everything you read or hear.

The media would have us believe that drug-use, heavy drinking, violence and underage sex, are occurring at rates far greater than they actually are. These misconceptions can lead to a sense of dread as your child approaches the teen years, and may influence how you react to your child's behaviour and actions. This is especially true if you automatically assume that they will become involved in high-risk behaviour. Make sure to get the facts and examine the misconceptions you may have about your teen's behaviour and actions before you jump to any conclusions.

5) Monitor and supervise your teen's activities with parental sensitivity.

Parental supervision is recognized as a key factor that can moderate adolescent problem behaviour. Monitoring must be balanced with parental sensitivity so as not to become over-intrusive and unnecessarily invade your teen's privacy. You can monitor your child's behaviour simply by being present (before and after they go out, for example) and asking a few simple questions in a neutral (non accusatory) tone. Too much supervision and monitoring can lead to greater teen problem behaviour because teens may then rebel and act out to exercise their right to some freedom from parental constraints.

6) Accentuate the Positive.

Try to initiate positive communication with your teenager whenever the opportunity arises. If you are experiencing conflict with your teen over rules, chores, school, peers, etc. talk to them about it, but also attempt to have positive conversations with your teen about other things. Because there is conflict does not mean that every interaction has to be negative. Actively attempt to build in genuine positive interactions throughout the day or week so that your teen learns that you are unhappy with their behaviour and not with them as a person.

7) Encourage your teen to be involved in extracurricular activities.

Studies have shown that greater extracurricular involvement at school or in the community can have a positive influence on academic achievement, and pro-social behaviours such as voting and volunteering in young adulthood. Be aware! Girls drop out of sports and other physical activities at an alarming rate when they get to high school, because they are pressured into believing that being athletic is not feminine. Speak with them about these pressures and why it is important to make your own decisions.

8) Encourage flexibility in gender roles and behaviour.

Teens are under considerable pressure to conform to their peers' (and sometimes family's) expectations as to what boys and girls "should and should not" do. Gender-role rigidity is very high in early to mid-adolescence, with boys (in particular) having a heightened sense of the importance of being "masculine." Speak to them about these pressures and their views, and encourage them to recognize how some of their choices (of friends, sports, etc.) may be misdirected by fears of being ridiculed. Overly aggressive and controlling behaviour in teens, are often signs of their strict adherence to society's expectations, which can sometimes be inadvertently communicated by parents ("be a man," "tough it out"). Discuss ways to respond to teasing in a lighthearted manner.

9) Address any abusive or inappropriate language with a firm and clear message.

Today it has become acceptable in teen culture to swear and verbally abuse others like no other previous generation has! While parents can't totally prevent abusive language from their homes (in music, television, and other media), teens appreciate knowing the limits. Language is a powerful means by which teens control the actions of others, including dating partners, parents, and peers. Be especially vigilant for expressions that put down others, no matter how "innocent" or "joking" they may seem, and point out what these expressions really communicate.

10) Be an active participant (to a point) in your teen's life.

Know your child's interests. If they like hockey, take them to a hockey game if you can. If they play hockey, watch them play—in a non-critical way. If they like opera, ballet, whatever their interest is, plan a day when you can be together to do something special. Or if a movie comes on television that you both like—watch it together. Not a lot of words need to be spoken. It is being together that counts!

For more resources on bonding and working with your Preteen/Teen more successfully please check out our parenting course - It's a Whole New Ballgame!

Warmly,
Beverley and Doone

 

 

Bullying and Our Culture

A friend and colleague in Seattle posted this on her blog. I think it's worth sharing!

Contributed by Jody McVittie, MD

Bullying is about power. It is repetitive hurtful behavior that communicates very clearly, “I have the power and you don’t.” It happens between children between adults and…this one can be harder to acknowledge, it happens between adults and children. October is anti-bullying month. There are lots of articles this month about bullying that happens at school – this one is about the kind of bullying that is adult initiated. It is one (not the only) place where our children learn how to bully.

One of the women I coach has a high level position at a large technology company. She shared with me a story of a director that is considered “wonderful” but frequently humiliates (in public) the people who report to him. His idea apparently is that you’ll be so afraid to make a mistake you won’t make one. My client noticed that everyone is too afraid of him to ask to be treated respectfully. There is a code of silence around his awful treatment of the people who work for him. They are afraid that if they speak up, they will lose their job. Sound familiar?

You may also notice that some athletic coaches bully their team. They yell, scream and publicly humiliate the athletes. Many of us accept this. We show it on TV. And we think that it is legitimate because it is “the way” to get these very talented athletes to do what they are supposed to do.

Adults use power in this way to change someone’s behavior by humiliating them or scaring them. There is an implicit assumption that the person is not already doing the best they can at the moment, that somehow they don’t care and that fear and shame will be helpful motivators. This is craziness. We know from brain science that when we are threatened our ability to learn new things shuts down. Athletes and talented technology workers are there because they want to be there. They dream of being on the “A” team, and are working hard to improve performance. Is the bullying really helping?

And, as a culture we buy into this. There is little public outrage at the very public bullying we (and our children) see on television. What are our children learning?

As adults and as parents let’s be better “bystanders.” Let’s acknowledge that scaring and humiliating other human beings is not the way we want to treat each other.

• Speak up when you witness an adult hurting or scaring another person (adult or child).
• Talk to your children about whether they learn better when they are being yelled at or shamed, or when someone notices their strengths and gives them a suggestion about how to make an improvement. Use what you see on television or on the ball field as material for reflection and learning.
• Be a proactive bystander. If your child’s coach uses the “traditional” shame tactics, have the courage to have a conversation with him or her (privately). Know that s/he is not intentionally trying to hurt children, but is not familiar with the skills to teach without hurting.
• Be a learner. Our culture is powerful. If you catch yourself in moments of frustration reverting to threats or shame with your partner or children, be compassionate with yourself: do your best to repair the mistake, ask for help, take a parenting workshop, or find other ways to get more effective tools.

Stay well,

Beverley and Doone

Email        Facebook        Twitter        Website

 

Family harmony and respect... it's up to you!

“Stop interrupting, I’m talking!” 
“Well, if you didn’t take so long, I wouldn’t have to interrupt.”
“Ok, I’m ready to listen, what was so important?”
“Forget it. I don’t want to talk to you now.”

Who is talking here, the kids or the parents?  Some days it could just as easily be the parents as the kids.

We all want to have harmonious, respectful relationships in our homes but many family situations are stressful, and respect and harmony fly out the window.  Small annoyances build up over the course of the day and many of us become too stressed to be pleasant.

How can we resolve the situation?  The answer to this we found is between the parents.  We set the tone for our children.  How we relate to stress and to our spouse is paramount and affects everybody in the family. 

A fundamental concept in relationships is equality. Do we have an equal, respectful relationship, or is one acting superior to the other?  
 

Our basic premise is that none of us is perfect; we are all going to have faults and make mistakes.  None of us is going to be equal in skills, strengths and talents, but we are equal as fellow human beings who have the right to human dignity and respect.  Even with flaws and faults we can love and accept ourselves and others 100%, thus showing "Unconditional Love".
 

Most people can accept unconditionally loving their children, some can accept unconditionally loving themselves, but few can integrate the concept of unconditionally loving and accepting their spouse.  The risk of staying in the conditional loving system is distance and stress in a marriage.

This is just one of the fundamental concepts that are discussed in our 4 week "Dynamic Marriage/Partnership for Life!" program.

Warmly, Dr. Martin Nash and Georgine Nash

For more ideas and tools for better, more respectful relationships in your home click here:

·         Dynamic Marriage/Partnership for Life!

·         Parenting I – Raising Great Kids

·         Preteen/Teens – It’s a Whole New Ballgame!

Improve your child's resilience! 4 key ways...

September is a time of many changes - new schedules, earlier bedtimes, and often new schools. Children who are resilient and adaptable cope best. If you have a child that doesn't do well with new situations or change, here are 4 tips that will help him bounce back and become more resilient:

1.   Be incompetent so that he becomes competent. In other words, don't do for your child what he's able to do for himself. Children soon learn that they survive the initial struggle of being responsible, and that with time and practice they actually manage better.
 

2.   Teach your child problem solving skills. Explore various options together, along with the pros and cons. Contribute your own ideas only as a last resort - the goal is for the child to experience the process and to feel comfortable making decisions.
 

3.   Resist the temptation to protect your child from the results of her choices. This one is tough for most of us, but critical to the process of growing resilient kids.
 

4.   Take comfort in knowing that even if your child is unhappy at times, she is learning that uncomfortable feelings can be sustained, dealt with and eventually overcome. This holds true for many feelings, such as disappointment, embarrassment, frustration, etc. A parent's role is to be empathetic and supportive, not to "fix it".

Here are a few more resources that can help:

· Attend a Parenting Course: Raising Great Kids

· Join this upcoming Teleseminar: The Self-reliant Child

· NY Times Article: Raising Successful Children

 

---

Family Event: The Our Kids Private School Expo is happening across Canada. For information and to register go online to www.ourkids.net/expo.
To get FREE admission use our Parenting Network promocode: PN2012.


Beverley & Doone
416-480-2499

 

Bedtime has become WW III around here!

Summer is a great time for our kids to recharge their batteries.

Summer is also a time when children push to stay up later. We helped this frazzled mom establish a bedtime routine that’s now working for everyone. It’s also going to make establishing a new routine for the coming school year so much easier.

Parent’s situation...

I’m having arguments with my kids every night when I try to get them in the house. Bedtime has become WW III around here. (I even had a Buzz Lightyear action figure flung across the patio at me last night!) The evenings are bright and many of the neighbours’ kids are out late, but my children are only 8 and 10 years of age and still need to get to bed at a reasonable time.  HELP!

Our thoughts...

Oh my – Buzz Lightyear missiles! Let’s see if we can not only prevent the battle from escalating, but actually restore peace for the remainder of your summer.

As we know, routines are vital for family harmony and they also teach children great things such as self-discipline and respect for order. However, a change of seasons usually involves a change in routines – so flexibility in parenting is also vital. A good focus whenever we consider rejigging our routine is to look at the needs of the new situation.

What’s different about summer? Plenty. (some you already suggested)

·         no school to get up for in the morning (that means time to sleep in!)

·         no homework to do in the evenings

·         it stays brighter outside much later

·         the evenings cool down, making it fun to be outdoors

·         the streets are full of noise and activity

We all remember the thrill of summer holidays when we were kids. We also probably remember giving our own parents a hard time at bedtime. So to break that pattern and make our own families run smoother, we need to get the children on board and cooperating.

Smart Solutions...

Family Meetings

The great place to start is with a family meeting – and your children are at a good age to problem-solve. By the way, you’ll want to do this again when the school year begins. So book one tonight and follow these 5 simple steps:

1.   Calm Time

Present the issue at a calm time and in a respectful (non-blameful) way:

“We’re having some challenges getting to bed on time and I’d like your help in finding a way to make our evenings work better.” Agree on a meeting time that suits everyone.

2.   Child’s Point of View

Start the meeting off by acknowledging your children’s position first. (It’s important for them to believe you understand and care about their point of view – whether you agree with it or not!)

“You’re having fun outside with the kids on the street and you don’t think it’s fair that you have to come in soooo early. Is that how you see it?”

Give the children a chance to elaborate on the injustice of it all and listen without comment (small sounds like “Mmm” or phrases like “I see” can be a help!). Then summarize what you’ve heard them say.

“So you feel that we should relax the rules because it’s summer and you believe you can handle a later bedtime. Is that correct? Anything else?” (Always good to give them another shot at voicing their opinion now that the wheels are in motion.)

3.   Parent’s Point of View

Now it’s time to share your point of view. It’s probably best to keep this brief since they’ve heard you rant and rave for days now. Plus, you have their cooperation for the moment, so don’t screw things up. Get to the heart of how you feel (in 10 words or less):

“I love you too much to fight every night.”  Or, “I want to end our days on a happy note.”

4.   Brainstorm

Time to brainstorm a better evening routine for the family. Everyone can present ideas – even crazy ones. At this stage, all ideas are accepted. It’s a good idea to jot them down. Also, you want to keep the process positive – this isn’t the time to evaluate or knock ideas.

5.   Solutions

Time to sort through. I suggest the process of elimination – the goal is to agree on a solution that’s mutually satisfactory. Write down the revised routine and agree to test it out for a few nights to see if it works for everyone. Make sure you schedule a time to chat about how it’s going after the few nights. Follow-through is a key to the success of these sorts of agreements. If it’s working, congratulate yourselves; if it isn’t, go back to the drawing board.

Ideas in case you get stuck!

·         Change dinner hour to allow for longer outdoor time (even if for only 2 nights per week)

·         Simplify dinner meals – try sandwiches with veggies and dip.

·         Place a blanket on the lawn and have an outdoor picnic (in the winter my family would put the blanket on the living room floor and picnic – all that was missing were the ants!)

·         Do story time earlier in the day (when it’s too hot to be outdoors) to allow more play time in the evening

·         Instead of a bath, have the children run through the sprinkler before bed

·         Coordinate outdoor time with the neighbours

With any luck, some of these ideas will stop WW III in its tracks. After all, you’ve got better things to do this summer than ducking Buzz Lightyear!  And readers, if you have other useful strategies to suggest, please share them!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and founder of Parenting Network.

Parenting Courses – Our Summer Early Bird Specials are happening now on all of our classes! Click here.

    

This is in honour of all the dads out there. Fathers’ Day has been and gone but dads in Canada are doing their part all year round… here’s some proof!

Picture the scene…

It’s 6:15am and Mom has just left for work. Little Zoe is still sleeping and Dad’s aware that Tommy is in need of a diaper change. Dad’s diaper changing skills are kicking into gear when he hears the phone ringing. It’s Mom trying to fit in an early morning conversation before she gets on the GO train.
He emailed her later to explain why he was so distracted during their phone call.

____________________________________________________

From: Dad (a reformed Senior Drilling Engineer turned full-time dad and marathon runner)

To: Mom (full-time working Mom)

Subject: Sorry for the chaotic phone call - Escape of dark matter.

Zoe was sleeping and Tommy and I were coming up from the basement when the phone rang.  I was downstairs for a #2 and realized Tommy had a #2 too.  We were half way up the stairs when the phone rang.  Normally in those circumstances I would let it ring.  BUT…

1.      Uncle Pete left at 5am and decided to go to the airport via the bus.  Don't ask....But via the 58 to the green line, then the green line to Lionel Groulx, then catch the 747 to the airport.

2.      My sister Lisa is in Edmonton for a conference.

So in 2 cases I thought I better run and grab this.

Last weekend, while I was out of the country Tommy developed a bum rash.  We have nursed this back to 90%, so the idea of leaving him in a poopy diaper for any length of time is undesirable.

So I thought I can do this.

Mid conversation, tuck phone under ear, and put boy on counter.

Peel off pyjama bottoms.  Observe and identify an escape of dark matter which has exited the primary containment chamber (diaper) and coated the interior of the secondary containment chamber (pyjamas).  At this point I am the pig in the bacon and eggs.  Totally committed.

Delicately gathering the dark matter from his legs I then proceeded to open the primary containment chamber which revealed a major release of dark matter from the black hole.  Trying to work quickly and not alarm any one over the phone in the GTA I went straight to work.  Tommy, sensing the urgency of the matter, initiated secondary assistance by putting his fingers in the dark matter. 

Then I dropped the phone.

A fast recovery and then I was back on track. Phone on shoulder, fingers clean, primary containment chamber removed and dark matter 90% clear.

Another wipe and it was looking good.

Back to the bum rash, which at 90% recovery still requires a topical application of 2 creams, the second being Zincofax.  Tommy for some reason believes he needs Zincofax on his knees - mostly due to the scrapes and scratches I guess.  Seeing that I was very busy, he decided to help by plunging his fingers into the Zincofax.

Now I don't know how much experience you have dealing with Zinc in your line of work, but the stuff goes on easy, stay on and gets everywhere… and is impossible to wipe off.  Which makes it a great diaper cream!

Not so good as a finger dip for a 20 month old.

Usually his next move is to go for his face or hair.  So I immediately went for the block.

Now the whole time I am still talking to you on the phone.  Although my neck is starting to cramp and I really would like to switch ears… Impossible!

So fingers clean, bum clean and creamed I close the new containment chamber and return the subject to his environment.

So how did it sound from your end?

Dad.

__________________________________________________________________

Wouldn't it be wonderful to have more children's stories and books written by dads? I think this chap may have missed his calling... 

When Parents Disagree on Teen Issues

Lindsay: Oh, I forgot to tell you.  I’m getting a ride to Ryan’s party from Kate. 

Mom: Ryan’s party?

Lindsay: Yeah, on Saturday.  Oh, and her curfew is midnight and she said she’ll bring me home a few minutes before.

Dad: Your curfew is 11 o’clock, honey.

Lindsay: But everyone is staying until 12 – and I’ve been really good about coming home on time.

Mom: That’s true - you have been on time lately.  Maybe just this once…

Dad: No! We have rules in this house.  I don’t care what everyone else is doing. A curfew is a curfew.

Sound familiar?  Any parent of a teen can imagine where this is going. 

Here are some tips to help parents effectively work together.

Rules have exceptions

One benefit of two parental perspectives is that children learn that not all situations are resolved in the same way.  When parents agree on a consistent plan (“Absolutely NO getting in the car with someone who has been drinking!”) it’s easy for them to implement it. 

However, there should also be room for compromises.  For example, “You can go to the party this time provided you check in with us” means that children learn that the rules are steadfast in some situations and malleable in others.  This gives them the benefit of more freedoms than if they had two strict parents -- and more limits than if they had two permissive parents.

Model respectful conflict resolution skills 

When a disagreement arises, parents can have an open, respectful discussion with the child, with input from all 3 parties.  They should listen to each other’s perspectives, acknowledge the other’s point of view -- and the goal is to reach an agreement or compromise that is agreeable to everyone.

After all, how will children ever learn to deal with conflict in an emotionally mature way if it always takes place behind closed doors?  

If both parents have the chance to explain their rationale, children will see that both mom and dad have their best interests at heart. 

So in our alternative scenario, Dad and Mom sit down with Lindsay and explain their concerns -- and a compromise is reached.

Dad: I suppose that if you promise to check in around 11, don’t go to anyone else’s house and go home with Kate, it would be okay.

Mom: And you know we’re here to pick you up if you need us. The main thing is your safety so we hope you’ll always be honest with us.

Other Resources for parents of Preteen/Teens:

It's a Whole New Ballgame! Parenting Course - Register now for the Early Bird Special