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Monday, April 19, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Principle #4a - Should a parent step into children's fights?
Ever banned screen time for a week and quickly regretted it? Or banished one child to their room, only to have them trash it in a rage?
Sometimes as parents we run out of patience and ideas when our kids do battle, and we snap. Not a pretty sight. The problem is once you appoint yourself cop and judge of your children’s conflicts you can expect years on the job.
Here is 4a in our series of 4 Key Principles (Yes, we decided there's a need for one more!) to create the close, collaborative relationships we so dearly want with our children. These Principles apply to parents of only children too - who also play and fight alongside their peers. So don’t leave them clueless!
Principle #4a: Teach your children basic conflict resolution skills, and mediate when you deem it would be helpful.
I remember the time when my 3 year-old Gillian would give these bone-crunching hugs to her 11 month-old sister Maddie, ignoring her obvious displeasure. My attempts to stop it weren’t working, so I said “Maddie you need to let her know you don’t like this” and left the room. Moments later an hysterical Gill emerged with 2 things: an ugly set of teeth marks on her forearm, and a great deal more respect for her sister’s abilities!
When we take charge we waste an opportunity for children to learn how to solve a conflict for themselves.
Basic Conflict Resolution
Most children get their introduction to conflict resolution in nursery school, or at daycare.
They're taught these 3 choices:
1. Use your words, not your fists.
2. If you don’t like how someone’s treating you, go play somewhere else or with someone else.
3. Can’t work it out? Get help from an adult.
And if they can do this at school they can certainly do it at home!
TIP: Tonight at dinner, ask this - “When another kid’s bugging you at school, what does your teacher want you to do about it?” If you don’t hear the 3 options above, take the time to talk about them. Once they know their choices, you need to then give them a chance to put them into action.
So instead of:
“If you two don’t stop fighting, that computer is off and will stay off for a week!”
It’s more like this...
“Mom she’s hogging the computer!”
“You sound pretty annoyed.”
“I am. I want you to tell her it’s my turn!”
“Hon, I’m not the one having the problem. What other ideas do you have?”
“Well last week we agreed we’d each get 30 minutes after school and she’s way over.”
“I see.”
“Maybe we need to write down the time when we start. Or could we use your kitchen timer?”
“Sure... looks like you've come up with a plan.”
Mediation
State the problem, ask for both perspectives and brainstorm for solutions.
Tip: Remember no taking sides, and don’t provide the solutions.
1.“It looks like you guys are having trouble working this out. Do you need some help?”
“She’s way over her 30 minutes and won’t get off!”
“Liar it’s only been 20 minutes.”
“Sounds like the problem is you can’t agree on how many minutes it’s been. How can you fix that?”
2. “There is one piece of chocolate cake and 2 hungry children. What do you two think would be fair?”
3. “You both need to feel satisfied with the decision. How about you take a break until you have more ideas, or someone’s willing to be flexible?”
For the younger child, redirection and choices can be helpful.
1. “I’m sure Susie will share when she’s ready. What would you like to do while you wait for your turn?”
2. “Looks like you’re having trouble sharing this toy. Would you like to set the timer and take turns, or come to the kitchen and colour for awhile?”
3. “What could you say to Johnny to let him know how you feel about that?”
4. A favourite from a parent in one of our classes: Their 3 year-old insisted on being noisy at bedtime, often waking up her younger sister. When she was asked how to remedy the situation, she said, “Dad could tiptoe”. An early attempt at brainstorming!
Yes, this approach takes a bit more time and creativity but both are well invested, for you are helping your children develop the life skills needed to have close, respectful and collaborative relationships with others. Watch for 4b next week!
Good luck!
Beverley
Last Call… Sign up now and save $65 on our Spring Parenting Courses!
If you missed our first 3 Principles please check our previous blogs in April and March.
Sometimes as parents we run out of patience and ideas when our kids do battle, and we snap. Not a pretty sight. The problem is once you appoint yourself cop and judge of your children’s conflicts you can expect years on the job.
Here is 4a in our series of 4 Key Principles (Yes, we decided there's a need for one more!) to create the close, collaborative relationships we so dearly want with our children. These Principles apply to parents of only children too - who also play and fight alongside their peers. So don’t leave them clueless!
Principle #4a: Teach your children basic conflict resolution skills, and mediate when you deem it would be helpful.
I remember the time when my 3 year-old Gillian would give these bone-crunching hugs to her 11 month-old sister Maddie, ignoring her obvious displeasure. My attempts to stop it weren’t working, so I said “Maddie you need to let her know you don’t like this” and left the room. Moments later an hysterical Gill emerged with 2 things: an ugly set of teeth marks on her forearm, and a great deal more respect for her sister’s abilities!
When we take charge we waste an opportunity for children to learn how to solve a conflict for themselves.
Basic Conflict Resolution
Most children get their introduction to conflict resolution in nursery school, or at daycare.
They're taught these 3 choices:
1. Use your words, not your fists.
2. If you don’t like how someone’s treating you, go play somewhere else or with someone else.
3. Can’t work it out? Get help from an adult.
And if they can do this at school they can certainly do it at home!
TIP: Tonight at dinner, ask this - “When another kid’s bugging you at school, what does your teacher want you to do about it?” If you don’t hear the 3 options above, take the time to talk about them. Once they know their choices, you need to then give them a chance to put them into action.
So instead of:
“If you two don’t stop fighting, that computer is off and will stay off for a week!”
It’s more like this...
“Mom she’s hogging the computer!”
“You sound pretty annoyed.”
“I am. I want you to tell her it’s my turn!”
“Hon, I’m not the one having the problem. What other ideas do you have?”
“Well last week we agreed we’d each get 30 minutes after school and she’s way over.”
“I see.”
“Maybe we need to write down the time when we start. Or could we use your kitchen timer?”
“Sure... looks like you've come up with a plan.”
Mediation
State the problem, ask for both perspectives and brainstorm for solutions.
Tip: Remember no taking sides, and don’t provide the solutions.
1.“It looks like you guys are having trouble working this out. Do you need some help?”
“She’s way over her 30 minutes and won’t get off!”
“Liar it’s only been 20 minutes.”
“Sounds like the problem is you can’t agree on how many minutes it’s been. How can you fix that?”
2. “There is one piece of chocolate cake and 2 hungry children. What do you two think would be fair?”
3. “You both need to feel satisfied with the decision. How about you take a break until you have more ideas, or someone’s willing to be flexible?”
For the younger child, redirection and choices can be helpful.
1. “I’m sure Susie will share when she’s ready. What would you like to do while you wait for your turn?”
2. “Looks like you’re having trouble sharing this toy. Would you like to set the timer and take turns, or come to the kitchen and colour for awhile?”
3. “What could you say to Johnny to let him know how you feel about that?”
4. A favourite from a parent in one of our classes: Their 3 year-old insisted on being noisy at bedtime, often waking up her younger sister. When she was asked how to remedy the situation, she said, “Dad could tiptoe”. An early attempt at brainstorming!
Yes, this approach takes a bit more time and creativity but both are well invested, for you are helping your children develop the life skills needed to have close, respectful and collaborative relationships with others. Watch for 4b next week!
Good luck!
Beverley
Last Call… Sign up now and save $65 on our Spring Parenting Courses!
If you missed our first 3 Principles please check our previous blogs in April and March.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Principle #3 – Is the bickering driving you crazy?
Ever find yourself negotiating how many sprinkles each child has, or who touched who first? Or gone through a stop sign because you were focussed on what was going on in the back seat?
Often as parents we tend to get way too involved in our children’s bickering. We know children need to learn how to stand up for themselves – it is a survival skill – but the learning process can drive us crazy!
“Mom, he looked at me!”
“For goodness sakes, just ignore him! Or look the other way - he’s just trying to bug you.”
“Mom, it’s my turn, tell him he’s got to share!”
“If you two can’t work it out the game’s going away. Do you understand?”
“Susie, you’re an idiot!”
“If you can’t talk nicely to each other, I don’t want you talking at all!”
Here is the third in our series of 4 Key Principles to create the close, cooperative relationships we so dearly want between our children.
Principle #3: Stay out of it! The tricky part is knowing when to stay out of it and when to step in.
Some general guidelines for those low level conflicts – bickering, arguing and name-calling.
The 3R’s of conflict:
1. Retreat into your mind - ignore the fuss and dream of your next vacation
2. Request they take their behaviour someplace else – “Would you guys please handle this somewhere else.” TIP: A request is NOT a demand.
3. Remove yourself when you find the behaviour annoying, or if above didn’t work! – “This isn’t working for me. I’m going to the other room.”
Sounds like…
“Mom, he’s looking at me!”
“Mmm…”
“Tell him to stop!”
“This is between you and your brother.”
“Fine, I’m going to eat my cereal somewhere else!”
Or…
“Susie, you’re an idiot!” “Well at least I don’t have pimples all over my face!”
“Guys would you please take this someplace else. I’m reading here.”
“Well I don’t want to be with her anyways! I’m going to my room!”
Let the kids resolve as many issues as possible without stepping in. Today look for opportunities to use the 3Rs. Think - "Bring it on kids. I'm ready for you!"
For those times when you are tempted to step in - tune in next week for Principle #4 - where we'll explore when and how to intervene.
Special Offer – SAVE $65 on a Spring Parenting Course. Register now!
Have a great day!
Beverley
Often as parents we tend to get way too involved in our children’s bickering. We know children need to learn how to stand up for themselves – it is a survival skill – but the learning process can drive us crazy!
“Mom, he looked at me!”
“For goodness sakes, just ignore him! Or look the other way - he’s just trying to bug you.”
“Mom, it’s my turn, tell him he’s got to share!”
“If you two can’t work it out the game’s going away. Do you understand?”
“Susie, you’re an idiot!”
“If you can’t talk nicely to each other, I don’t want you talking at all!”
Here is the third in our series of 4 Key Principles to create the close, cooperative relationships we so dearly want between our children.
Principle #3: Stay out of it! The tricky part is knowing when to stay out of it and when to step in.
Some general guidelines for those low level conflicts – bickering, arguing and name-calling.
The 3R’s of conflict:
1. Retreat into your mind - ignore the fuss and dream of your next vacation
2. Request they take their behaviour someplace else – “Would you guys please handle this somewhere else.” TIP: A request is NOT a demand.
3. Remove yourself when you find the behaviour annoying, or if above didn’t work! – “This isn’t working for me. I’m going to the other room.”
Sounds like…
“Mom, he’s looking at me!”
“Mmm…”
“Tell him to stop!”
“This is between you and your brother.”
“Fine, I’m going to eat my cereal somewhere else!”
Or…
“Susie, you’re an idiot!” “Well at least I don’t have pimples all over my face!”
“Guys would you please take this someplace else. I’m reading here.”
“Well I don’t want to be with her anyways! I’m going to my room!”
Let the kids resolve as many issues as possible without stepping in. Today look for opportunities to use the 3Rs. Think - "Bring it on kids. I'm ready for you!"
For those times when you are tempted to step in - tune in next week for Principle #4 - where we'll explore when and how to intervene.
Special Offer – SAVE $65 on a Spring Parenting Course. Register now!
Have a great day!
Beverley
Monday, April 5, 2010
Encouragement - A Practice Challenge!
I read something this morning and I just had to pass it on to you. I know you may be busy with children today, but that’s what makes this even more perfect – you have an audience to practice on!
But before you launch into that, DON’T skip this:
Important Message - our Early Bird Special ends at midnight. If you wanted to refresh your parenting skills, or invigorate your marriage, NOW is the time, and here’s the link => Catalogue.
We’re crazy about Encouragement Skills at Parenting Network, so here is a Practice Challenge from Jody McVittie a friend and colleague in Puget Sound. Guaranteed to help children feel valued and capable. P.S. Works great on partners too.
“Encouragement 2x10”: A home practice challenge
Offer a child 2 specific encouragements a day for 10 days.
Keys to remember:
• Encouragement is non-judgmental (That means avoiding words like good, great, super. Instead, use words that describe what you see: persistent, fair, focused, helpful, excited)
• Encouragement is honest and heart-felt and in the moment. (not offered directly in order to manipulate or change behavior)
• Encouragement is powerful when it is private. A quiet voice or note can work better than a public announcement.
• Encouragement can be non-verbal (an acknowledging smile), written (post it notes make wonderful encouragement tools) or spoken.
Sample encouraging statements - but use your own words!
• Descriptive Encouragement: I noticed you helping ____, I noticed how hard you’ve been working, I noticed how this seems to be of interest to you.
• Appreciative Encouragement: I appreciated your help today, I appreciated your idea, I appreciated your patience at the store.
• Empowering Encouragement: I know you can do this, I have seen you do things that are harder than this, I have confidence you can figure this out.
So challenge yourself and start a new healthy habit today!
Beverley
Beverley Cathcart-Ross
Co-founder Parenting Network
email: beverley@parentingnetwork.ca
web: www.parentingnetwork.ca
phone: 416-480-2499
“You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.”
But before you launch into that, DON’T skip this:
Important Message - our Early Bird Special ends at midnight. If you wanted to refresh your parenting skills, or invigorate your marriage, NOW is the time, and here’s the link => Catalogue.
We’re crazy about Encouragement Skills at Parenting Network, so here is a Practice Challenge from Jody McVittie a friend and colleague in Puget Sound. Guaranteed to help children feel valued and capable. P.S. Works great on partners too.
“Encouragement 2x10”: A home practice challenge
Offer a child 2 specific encouragements a day for 10 days.
Keys to remember:
• Encouragement is non-judgmental (That means avoiding words like good, great, super. Instead, use words that describe what you see: persistent, fair, focused, helpful, excited)
• Encouragement is honest and heart-felt and in the moment. (not offered directly in order to manipulate or change behavior)
• Encouragement is powerful when it is private. A quiet voice or note can work better than a public announcement.
• Encouragement can be non-verbal (an acknowledging smile), written (post it notes make wonderful encouragement tools) or spoken.
Sample encouraging statements - but use your own words!
• Descriptive Encouragement: I noticed you helping ____, I noticed how hard you’ve been working, I noticed how this seems to be of interest to you.
• Appreciative Encouragement: I appreciated your help today, I appreciated your idea, I appreciated your patience at the store.
• Empowering Encouragement: I know you can do this, I have seen you do things that are harder than this, I have confidence you can figure this out.
So challenge yourself and start a new healthy habit today!
Beverley
Beverley Cathcart-Ross
Co-founder Parenting Network
email: beverley@parentingnetwork.ca
web: www.parentingnetwork.ca
phone: 416-480-2499
“You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.”
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