Thursday, March 31, 2011

Teens - Where did my sweet child go?

My husband had a grin from ear to ear this morning when he shared with me this text message from our 23 year old daughter...

Thank you so much for your help today dad... In the book I'm reading it says "As many people as there are to hold you back, there are angels whose humanity makes up for all the others." That's you Dad :)


We went through the teen years four times, and there were many, many times we wondered "Where did that sweet, juicy little girl that loved us to death go?" It can almost feel like a grief when they pull away from you. And it's with good experience and confidence that I can say "Don't worry they do come back! This too will pass."


Stay well!

Beverley

P.S. My daughter won't mind me sharing, if it can give some parent hope!


Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker and co-founder of Parenting Network. She also offers private consultations to parents.


See our Workshops for Spring 2011! Early Bird Specials end March 31st at midnight.

Monday, March 21, 2011

When You Need a Child's Cooperation - start with curiosity!

When I read this post by a friend, Nick Boothman, I immediatly thought what a great benefit this would be for our parents! Because getting a child interested in being cooperative or on side is one of our main difficulties. My biggest take away from this article is how to be a 'persuader'.

Sometimes getting people to move from one emotional state to an entirely different one can be difficult. For example, if you intend to move someone from indifference (“I’m busy; I’ve got a lot of other things on my mind; can’t this wait?”) to excitement (“Great idea—let’s do it!”) in one fell swoop, you may be in for a challenge.

Try linking emotional states.

Persuasively gifted people, wittingly or unwittingly, link three or four emotional states together in order to move people from one state to another. For example, instead of going directly from state A (indifference) to state D (enthusiasm), they lead them from A through states B and C to D. So rather than attempting a direct shift from indifference to enthusiasm, an experienced persuader might move them from indifference to curiosity, then to openness, before arousing their enthusiasm. This is called linking states, and it’s a powerful way to get people emotionally connected with you and your ideas.

Once you’ve decided on the states of mind to be employed, the next thing you would do is to get yourself into the first link on the chain. You won’t be convincing if you’re not congruent. The simple act of adjusting yourself into a state of curiosity will make your body language, tone of voice, and choice of words rub off on the other person. Practice rotating through the feelings of curiosity, openness, and enthusiasm over and over: ten seconds each will do.

This is the secret of the great communicators. Find an opportunity to listen to a speech that moved a nation, be it by Martin Luther King Jr., Winston Churchill, Eleanor Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy or Nelson Mandela, and identify the states they led their audiences through before rousing them to action.

Thanks Nick! I am such a believer in the power of good communications, that I made it the focus of an audio download I co-produced with friend/mom/celebrity Gill Deacon - "Cooperation at its Best - Easy Strategies That will Transform Your Family!" . We crammed it with over 60 minutes of tips and did lots of role-playing to model the type of words that get children feeling cooperative. Takes only minutes to download, and you could be practicing on your munchkins today!

Stay well!
Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. See our Workshops for Spring 2011!









Thursday, March 17, 2011

What To Do When You're Stuck


I LOVE to learn and today I hit the jackpot! I discovered a Child Psychiatrist on-line and so enjoyed her tone and suggestions that I had to share this with you. I've said much the same thing to many of you in class, but not nearly as clearly as this!

"We've all had those moments with our child when we're stuck and we don't know what to do. When our own feelings are so raw, our frustration so intense, our cup so empty, we stop caring for the moment about what our child needs and just lash out.

Then we're overcome with remorse. But in that moment, with the tidal wave of our emotions washing over us, what can we possibly do to save the situation?

No matter how ugly your child is acting, what he or she wants more than anything in the world is to reconnect with you. It may seem impossible, but if we feel the slightest glimmer of desire to turn things around, we can grab it. We don't even have to know how. We can just choose love. We can always find a way to reach out to our child and reconnect. We can always find a way to heal things, even when we're on a cycle of negativity that's gone too far.

When things have gone too far, just STOP.

1. Breathe.

2. Stop berating yourself for letting things get out of control. Hug your imperfect self.

3. Reach out for your child.

In the end, it is always about love. Love never fails."


Thank you Dr. Laura Markham for the kind and wise words!


Should you have a parenting challenge that has you stuck, please get in touch and we'll help you wrestle it to the ground.

Stay well!
Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. See our Workshops for Spring 2011! Early Bird Specials end March 31st at midnight.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

How much is your parenting really worth?

My husband just spent $200 for a course to help him take better pictures on his camera.
My sister just spent $250 for a course to help her train her dog.

So why is it parents hesitate to spend $199 for a course to help them be better parents? Got me!

Our "Raising Great Kids" course is an investment of only 12 hours of your time, yet the impact on your child will be for their lifetime.

For more info go here: Parenting I: Raising Great Kids

Already taken a parenting course? Check out this: Siblings Without Rivalry

Keep well!
Beverley

P.S. Cut out the cost of 20 grande lattes & you're halfway there!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Trouble with Bright Girls

by, Heidi Grant Halvorson, Ph.D.
Motivational psychologist and author

I meet bright young moms of bright young girls every single day in my parenting courses and private consultations, so when I read this blog by Dr. Halvorson, I had to post it for all of you!

"Successful women know only too well that in any male-dominated profession, we often find ourselves at a distinct disadvantage. We are routinely underestimated, underutilized and even underpaid. Studies show that women need to perform at extraordinarily high levels, just to appear moderately competent compared to our male coworkers.

But in my experience, smart and talented women rarely realize that one of the toughest hurdles they'll have to overcome to be successful lies within. Compared with our male colleagues, we judge our own abilities not only more harshly but fundamentally differently. Understanding why we do it is the first step to righting a terrible wrong. And to do that, we need to take a step back in time.

Chances are good that if you are a successful professional today, you were a pretty bright fifth grade girl. My graduate advisor, psychologist Carol Dweck (author of "Mindset") conducted a series of studies in the 1980s, looking at how Bright Girls and boys in the fifth grade handled new, difficult and confusing material.She found that Bright Girls, when given something to learn that was particularly foreign or complex, were quick to give up; the higher the girls' IQ, the more likely they were to throw in the towel. In fact, the straight-A girls showed the most helpless responses. Bright boys, on the other hand, saw the difficult material as a challenge, and found it energizing. They were more likely to redouble their efforts rather than give up.

Why does this happen? What makes smart girls more vulnerable and less confident when they should be the most confident kids in the room? At the 5th grade level, girls routinely outperform boys in every subject, including math and science. So there were no differences between these boys and girls in ability, nor in past history of success. The only difference was how bright boys and girls interpreted difficulty -- what it meant to them when material seemed hard to learn. Bright Girls were much quicker to doubt their ability, to lose confidence and to become less effective learners as a result.

Researchers have uncovered the reason for this difference in how difficulty is interpreted, and it is simply this: More often than not, Bright Girls believe that their abilities are innate and unchangeable, while bright boys believe that they can develop ability through effort and practice.How do girls and boys develop these different views? Most likely, it has to do with the kinds of feedback we get from parents and teachers as young children. Girls, who develop self-control earlier and are better able to follow instructions, are often praised for their "goodness." When we do well in school, we are told that we are "so smart," "so clever, " or "such a good student." This kind of praise implies that traits like smartness, cleverness and goodness are qualities you either have or you don't.

Boys, on the other hand, are a handful. Just trying to get boys to sit still and pay attention is a real challenge for any parent or teacher. As a result, boys are given a lot more feedback that emphasizes effort (e.g., "If you would just pay attention you could learn this," "If you would just try a little harder you could get it right.") The net result: When learning something new is truly difficult, girls take it as sign that they aren't "good" and "smart," and boys take it as a sign to pay attention and try harder.

We continue to carry these beliefs, often unconsciously, around with us throughout our lives. And because Bright Girls are particularly likely to see their abilities as innate and unchangeable, they grow up to be women who are far too hard on themselves -- women who will prematurely conclude that they don't have what it takes to succeed in a particular arena, and give up way too soon.Even if every external disadvantage to a woman's rising to the top of an organization is removed -- every inequality of opportunity, every chauvinistic stereotype, all the challenges we face balancing work and family -- we would still have to deal with the fact that through our mistaken beliefs about our abilities, we may be our own worst enemy.

How often have you found yourself avoiding challenges and playing it safe, sticking to goals you knew would be easy for you to reach? Are there things you decided long ago that you could never be good at? Skills you believed you would never possess? If the list is a long one, you were probably one of the Bright Girls -- and your belief that you are "stuck" being exactly as you are has done more to determine the course of your life than you probably ever imagined. This would be fine, if your abilities were innate and unchangeable. Only they're not.

No matter the ability -- whether it's intelligence, creativity, self-control, charm or athleticism -- studies show them to be profoundly malleable. When it comes to mastering any skill, your experience, effort and persistence matter a lot. So if you were a Bright Girl, it's time to toss out your (mistaken) belief about how ability works, embrace the fact that you can always improve and reclaim the confidence to tackle any challenge that you lost so long ago."

Lots of food for thought! And as a mother of 3 Bright Young Women, you can bet I'll be sharing this with them.

Warmly, Beverley
Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here for Workshops for Spring 2011. Early Bird Specials on NOW!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Difference Between Dating and Life Partnership


Everybody is acquainted with the dating scene, but when should dating stop and Life Partnership begin? Many people struggle with this question.

When we go out on a date, we start monitoring how “our dates” are measuring up. Do I accept the way they look, their values, and behaviours? Or do I find them unappealing?

We measure whether the person is 40%, 50%… or 90% acceptable. The same person can reach a 90% on one date, but only 60% on another.

As marriage counselors, our premise is that nobody will be 100% acceptable, in other words, perfect.

The greatest problem we have noticed with the couples we have worked with is that the partners keep on measuring each other even after they have gotten married.

Once we make the most important decision of choosing a Life Partner, the measuring has to stop. Instead, we can make the decision to love and accept this person 100% from now on. This does not mean that we have to accept all of their judgments or behavior 100% of the time; this would be impossible. However, our decision to continue loving and partnering with this person is never going to be in question as our love is an unconditional love, independent of behaviour.

When the inevitable conflicts arise, it is vital that these differences be solved together in the spirit of mutual respect. If a couple finds this process difficult to do at times, getting some outside guidance is an important life investment.

Your relationship with your partner can be improved and CAN last a lifetime – please read about our “Dynamic Life Partnership” Course here. And the bonus is, your whole family will benefit!


Dr. Marty and Georgine Nash
Click here to read about our Couple's Course