Tiger Mom

Wow… Tiger Mom has really caused a rumble in the jungle! I decided it was time to weigh in. So I called my mentor – Dr. Marty Nash and we hammered out a response to the approach presented by Amy Chua in interviews around her newly released book “Confessions of a Tiger Mom”. Which I won’t be adding to my parenting book shelf!

Some parents like Ms. Chua use a strict dictatorial “my way or the highway” style, while others use a more coddling and protective style. Each will experience either excellent or poor results. So it’s not just about parenting style.

In any social interaction there is a transmitter and receiver. What's key is the child's interpretation. Some children can interpret that they're loved even though they are pushed, dominated, and shamed to succeed and win.

However in a more developed, egalitarian society the child can easily interpret domination and shame as meaning they’re inadequate, not good enough. It’s also easy for children to equate worthiness with their performance. The associated hurt feelings of these beliefs can lead to emotional distress and possible mental health issues. A major challenge in society today.

All of us parents have an inborn and primal motivation to love and protect our children, and see them succeed in life. Children also have the inborn motivation to be loved, accepted, and protected by their parent. Many parents see it as their responsibility to exploit the child’s need for their love and approval, using the motivational system of reward and punishment to achieve their goals.

Many of the tools of reward are approval, closeness, praise, material goods and privileges. The tools of punishment are disapproval, distance, shame, humiliation, guilt, and loss of privileges, etc. And then add to this cocktail a shot of Fear - the major emotion fueling this autocratic system. Fear of failure, fear of losing, fear of shame or loss of face, fear of disapproval, etc. This leads to an uncomfortable and stressful situation for the child and for their social environment.

In the Western world, we have moved toward a more democratic, collaborative system in the way in which we relate to one another. We feel the same accomplishments can be achieved without the underlying fear of performance, acceptability and shame. While the end result of effort is still important, we want to value the creative process of the love of learning and social contribution.

So I thank Amy for writing this book – it’s a good reminder of how far we’ve come!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross and Dr. Marty Nash

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Dr. Marty Nash is a practicing Family Therapist in Toronto. Click here for Workshops for Winter 2010/11!