As parents, it’s
natural to want to protect our children or to offer advice to guide them and
prevent them from making mistakes. So we go to the playground and say... Don’t climb that high! Watch your feet! Be careful or you’ll fall!Or, when they’re 12… You don’t want to wear that to school, everyone will tease you. Where’s your back pack, have you got everything in it? Hurry up you don’t want to be late.
They call us pillow parents. Say we're bubble wrapping our kids.
Why do we do this?
Our
primal instinct is keep our kids safe and secure, and we can easily become
overly protective and fearful. So we opt for the ‘tried and true’ approach to
parenting because we think we have a better chance of controlling the outcome.
Yet what are we accomplishing here? Are we helping children to be
independent-minded, nurturing their confidence to make decisions when exploring
their world, not take foolish or undue risks? Likely not. Instead, we’re
sending them a clear message that they can’t handle challenges or risks they
encounter every day.We also need to nurture this confidence in ourselves. To believe that our children can handle the outcome of their choices, whether they’re successful or not. Yes, if they fall they might get a few scrapes, if they make a mistake they might get embarrassed. This can hurt. But these scrapes and hurts will heal and our children will learn from their experiences. They’ll learn to bounce back, and that they can cope with failure and mistakes. They’ll develop resilience. These are important characteristics our children will need for a happy, healthy, and successful life.
This means we, as parents, need to stand aside whenever possible and let our children experience the results of their choices. We can be a safety net when needed, or a cheering team in the background. The key is to let our children feel our confidence in their ability to manage what comes their way. Experience in dealing with inevitable failure is the greatest teacher and builds a child’s self-confidence.
If your four-year-old is having trouble tying her shoelaces, for instance, it may be tempting to do it for her because it’s faster and easier that way. That may be so, but there’s real value in holding back and saying: “Shoe laces can be tough! Your brain and fingers will work it out soon enough. So don’t give up!” This gives your child an opportunity to learn for herself.
For example, say your seven-year-old child is dawdling in the morning and not getting ready for school on time. It’s hard not to snap, but it might help to think these positive and encouraging thoughts: You are my lovable, creative and able child. Right now there's a problem that needs our attention. Once we figure this out I have confidence you will behave more cooperatively. It may not turn out perfectly, but we’ll both learn from this. This too will pass!
Showing confidence in a child’s ability to handle life’s challenges takes time, practice and an encouraging attitude. But it’s well worth the effort. When we believe in our children, they’ll learn to believe in themselves. So make the investment now. Let them skin their knees, experience and learn to handle the hurts in life. They'll be stronger for it.
Beverley and Doone
parentingtips@parentingnetwork.ca
From our Audio Learning Series…
Self-esteem - Watch as your child gains the confidence and composure
for real life situations
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