Week 2 - Ideas and Tips for Respect
Respect for the child’s ability to make choices and do things for himself.
In order to raise respectful children let’s start with what we are modeling in our homes. The best modeling is Dual Respect – respect for our child and respect for ourselves. This way children learn to have regard for others and set personal boundaries.
The old: “I’m your parent, I
deserve some respect!” is not as effective as we might hope.
Every child is born
with a strong natural desire to learn, explore and be creative. We respect
this. We want this to flourish. We don’t want to crush this spirit. We respect
even a toddler’s wonderful ability to learn, so we give him opportunities to
make decisions and judgments for himself as long as the situation isn't harmful
or destructive.
We can give a child a voice and a say in what goes on, within limits appropriate for his or her age. A three-year-old can choose which cereal goes in her bowl. A six-year-old can decide what she wants to wear to school. Even if her clothing choice looks a little unusual, this is her choice. A 12-year-old can manage his own homework schedule.
We can give a child a voice and a say in what goes on, within limits appropriate for his or her age. A three-year-old can choose which cereal goes in her bowl. A six-year-old can decide what she wants to wear to school. Even if her clothing choice looks a little unusual, this is her choice. A 12-year-old can manage his own homework schedule.
We don’t have to
agree with the judgment of our 12-year-old or our six-year-old. Lots of times
we wouldn’t make the choices they make. But when we show we respect their
ability, as young human beings, to choose for themselves, our children can
learn to manage many aspects of their daily lives, and enjoy that great feeling
of self-reliance and independence.
Now let’s talk about respect for ourselves. We want to remember that we have a choice too. By being respectful of ourselves, we can say clearly what we’re willing to do, and what we’re not willing to do. Some parents forget this part of the deal, perhaps because they’re worried that if they draw the line, their children will rebel or withdraw.
Now let’s talk about respect for ourselves. We want to remember that we have a choice too. By being respectful of ourselves, we can say clearly what we’re willing to do, and what we’re not willing to do. Some parents forget this part of the deal, perhaps because they’re worried that if they draw the line, their children will rebel or withdraw.
There’s only one person you can be 100% sure of controlling, and that’s you. So the next time your child talks back to you in a way that you don’t like, you have a quick option to create some space for yourself by saying or just thinking something like this:
I will treat you with respect, even if you don’t respect me back. I will also be respectful of
myself. So I’m going to go to my room for a few minutes, and when I get back
we’ll try again. Better teaching can happen when we are both calm, than in the heat of battle.
So when your child is badgering and wanting to control you while you’re on the phone, you might say: This isn’t working for me. Can you stop or do I need to take my call somewhere else?
So when your child is badgering and wanting to control you while you’re on the phone, you might say: This isn’t working for me. Can you stop or do I need to take my call somewhere else?
If the behavior
doesn’t improve, you might go into another room to carve out a quiet space for
yourself. This is what respecting yourself looks like, and when you deliver the
message in a kind tone of voice, you’re also showing respect for the child.
You’re saying, in effect:
I can’t make you do it,
so I will decide for myself what I will do in this situation. I’m not willing
to be treated disrespectfully, and I am going to decide what’s going to happen
next – to me, not to you.
Or say your children are fighting at story time. It’s driving you crazy, but there’s an easy way to restore some balance for yourself -- by tapping once again into this principle of self-respect. Here’s how: You can close the book. I will read when the room is quiet. Now you have the power. You have the control – over yourself.
Or say your children are fighting at story time. It’s driving you crazy, but there’s an easy way to restore some balance for yourself -- by tapping once again into this principle of self-respect. Here’s how: You can close the book. I will read when the room is quiet. Now you have the power. You have the control – over yourself.
No matter what the situation, we ask ourselves this question: How do I show respect for my child’s right to make choices and at the same time maintain my self-respect? This is Dual Respect in action.
Next week… we’ll share our thoughts about nurturing your child’s confidence.
Other resources:
Parenting I – Raising Great Kids – 4 spaces left
Preteen/Teen Teen – It’s a Whole New Ballgame! – 5 spaces left
Audio Parenting Series – learn at home!
Warmly, Beverley and Doone
P.S. If you missed our Tips for Unconditional Love go here.
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