When Parents Disagree on Teen Issues

Lindsay: Oh, I forgot to tell you.  I’m getting a ride to Ryan’s party from Kate. 

Mom: Ryan’s party?

Lindsay: Yeah, on Saturday.  Oh, and her curfew is midnight and she said she’ll bring me home a few minutes before.

Dad: Your curfew is 11 o’clock, honey.

Lindsay: But everyone is staying until 12 – and I’ve been really good about coming home on time.

Mom: That’s true - you have been on time lately.  Maybe just this once…

Dad: No! We have rules in this house.  I don’t care what everyone else is doing. A curfew is a curfew.

Sound familiar?  Any parent of a teen can imagine where this is going. 

Here are some tips to help parents effectively work together.

Rules have exceptions

One benefit of two parental perspectives is that children learn that not all situations are resolved in the same way.  When parents agree on a consistent plan (“Absolutely NO getting in the car with someone who has been drinking!”) it’s easy for them to implement it. 

However, there should also be room for compromises.  For example, “You can go to the party this time provided you check in with us” means that children learn that the rules are steadfast in some situations and malleable in others.  This gives them the benefit of more freedoms than if they had two strict parents -- and more limits than if they had two permissive parents.

Model respectful conflict resolution skills 

When a disagreement arises, parents can have an open, respectful discussion with the child, with input from all 3 parties.  They should listen to each other’s perspectives, acknowledge the other’s point of view -- and the goal is to reach an agreement or compromise that is agreeable to everyone.

After all, how will children ever learn to deal with conflict in an emotionally mature way if it always takes place behind closed doors?  

If both parents have the chance to explain their rationale, children will see that both mom and dad have their best interests at heart. 

So in our alternative scenario, Dad and Mom sit down with Lindsay and explain their concerns -- and a compromise is reached.

Dad: I suppose that if you promise to check in around 11, don’t go to anyone else’s house and go home with Kate, it would be okay.

Mom: And you know we’re here to pick you up if you need us. The main thing is your safety so we hope you’ll always be honest with us.

Other Resources for parents of Preteen/Teens:

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