Principle #4a - Should a parent step into children's fights?

Ever banned screen time for a week and quickly regretted it? Or banished one child to their room, only to have them trash it in a rage?

Sometimes as parents we run out of patience and ideas when our kids do battle, and we snap. Not a pretty sight. The problem is once you appoint yourself cop and judge of your children’s conflicts you can expect years on the job.

Here is 4a in our series of 4 Key Principles (Yes, we decided there's a need for one more!) to create the close, collaborative relationships we so dearly want with our children. These Principles apply to parents of only children too - who also play and fight alongside their peers. So don’t leave them clueless!

Principle #4a: Teach your children basic conflict resolution skills, and mediate when you deem it would be helpful.

I remember the time when my 3 year-old Gillian would give these bone-crunching hugs to her 11 month-old sister Maddie, ignoring her obvious displeasure. My attempts to stop it weren’t working, so I said “Maddie you need to let her know you don’t like this” and left the room. Moments later an hysterical Gill emerged with 2 things: an ugly set of teeth marks on her forearm, and a great deal more respect for her sister’s abilities!

When we take charge we waste an opportunity for children to learn how to solve a conflict for themselves.

Basic Conflict Resolution
Most children get their introduction to conflict resolution in nursery school, or at daycare.

They're taught these 3 choices:
1. Use your words, not your fists.
2. If you don’t like how someone’s treating you, go play somewhere else or with someone else.
3. Can’t work it out? Get help from an adult.

And if they can do this at school they can certainly do it at home!

TIP: Tonight at dinner, ask this - “When another kid’s bugging you at school, what does your teacher want you to do about it?” If you don’t hear the 3 options above, take the time to talk about them. Once they know their choices, you need to then give them a chance to put them into action.

So instead of:
“If you two don’t stop fighting, that computer is off and will stay off for a week!”

It’s more like this...
“Mom she’s hogging the computer!”
“You sound pretty annoyed.”
“I am. I want you to tell her it’s my turn!”
“Hon, I’m not the one having the problem. What other ideas do you have?”
“Well last week we agreed we’d each get 30 minutes after school and she’s way over.”
“I see.”
“Maybe we need to write down the time when we start. Or could we use your kitchen timer?”
“Sure... looks like you've come up with a plan.”

Mediation
State the problem, ask for both perspectives and brainstorm for solutions.

Tip: Remember no taking sides, and don’t provide the solutions.

1.“It looks like you guys are having trouble working this out. Do you need some help?”
“She’s way over her 30 minutes and won’t get off!”
“Liar it’s only been 20 minutes.”
“Sounds like the problem is you can’t agree on how many minutes it’s been. How can you fix that?”

2. “There is one piece of chocolate cake and 2 hungry children. What do you two think would be fair?”

3. “You both need to feel satisfied with the decision. How about you take a break until you have more ideas, or someone’s willing to be flexible?”

For the younger child, redirection and choices can be helpful.
1. “I’m sure Susie will share when she’s ready. What would you like to do while you wait for your turn?”

2. “Looks like you’re having trouble sharing this toy. Would you like to set the timer and take turns, or come to the kitchen and colour for awhile?”

3. “What could you say to Johnny to let him know how you feel about that?”

4. A favourite from a parent in one of our classes: Their 3 year-old insisted on being noisy at bedtime, often waking up her younger sister. When she was asked how to remedy the situation, she said, “Dad could tiptoe”. An early attempt at brainstorming!

Yes, this approach takes a bit more time and creativity but both are well invested, for you are helping your children develop the life skills needed to have close, respectful and collaborative relationships with others. Watch for 4b next week!

Good luck!
Beverley

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If you missed our first 3 Principles please check our previous blogs in April and March.