"I'm the parent, I deserve some respect!"

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Ideas and Tips for Nurturing Respect in the Family, the second key principle of LRB. (If you missed last week's tips on unconditional love go here.)

The most effective way to raise respectful children is for us to model respect for our child and respect for ourselves. We call this Dual Respect. This helps children learn to have regard for others and set personal boundaries. 

The old: “I’m your parent, I deserve some respect!” is not as useful as we might hope.

Every child is born with a strong natural desire to learn, explore and be creative. We respect this and want it to flourish. We don’t want to crush this spirit.

We can give a child a say in what goes on, within limits appropriate for his or her age. A 3-year-old can choose which cereal goes in her bowl. A 5-year-old is ready to decide what to wear to school. A 10-year-old can manage his own homework schedule.

We don’t have to agree with the judgment of our 10-year-old or our 5-year-old. Lots of times we wouldn’t make the choices they make. But when we show we respect their ability, as young human beings, to choose for themselves, our children can learn to manage many aspects of their daily lives, and enjoy that great feeling of self-reliance and independence.

Now let’s talk about respect for ourselves. We want to remember that we have a choice too. By being respectful of ourselves, we can say clearly what we’re willing to do, and what we’re not willing to do. Some parents forget this part of the deal.

There’s only one person you can be 100% sure of controlling, and that’s you. So the next time your child talks back to you in a way that you don’t like, you have a quick option to create some space for yourself by saying or just thinking something like this:

I will treat you with respect, even if you don’t respect me back. I will also be respectful of myself. So I’m going to go to my room for a few minutes, and when I get back we’ll try again. Better teaching happens when we are both calm, rather than in the heat of battle.

So when your child is badgering and wanting to control you while you’re on the phone, you might say: This isn’t working for me. Can you stop or do I need to take my call somewhere else?

If the behavior doesn’t improve, you might go into another room to carve out a quiet space for yourself. This is what respecting yourself looks like, and when you deliver the message in a kind tone of voice, you’re also showing respect for the child. You’re saying, in effect:

I can’t make you do it, so I will decide for myself what I will do in this situation. I’m not willing to be treated disrespectfully, and I am going to decide what’s going to happen next – to me, not to you.

Or say your children are fighting at story time. It’s driving you crazy, but there’s an easy way to restore some balance for yourself -- by tapping once again into this principle of self-respect. Here’s how: You can close the book. I will read when the room is quiet. Now you have power and control – over yourself.

No matter what the situation, we ask ourselves this question: How do I show respect for my child’s right to make choices and at the same time maintain my self-respect? This is Dual Respect in action.
 
Next week… we’ll share our thoughts about nurturing your child’s confidence and belief in themselves.

Other resources: Early Bird Special! Save $40 ($80 per couple) –ends Oct. 5

Raising Great Parents  - One of our most popular
Parenting a Preteen/Teen Teen - Yes, You Can Have a Good Relationship
Who's The Boss? – from our Audio Parenting Series. Learn at home!

Warmly, Beverley and Doone 

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