“If you really cared for me, you wouldn’t ..."

Children whose parents use guilt or withholding love have trouble working out disagreements well into adulthood, according to a new study.

“To maintain healthy relationships, it is important to be able to assert one’s own beliefs during a disagreement while also continuing to be warm toward the other person,” said lead author Dr. Barbara Oudekerk, a psychologist at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville. Previous studies have found that teens who struggle with confidently expressing their opinions during a disagreement are at risk for using hostile methods in their own relationships and experiencing depression and loneliness in close relationships in adulthood.

For the study, 184 teens were interviewed at the age of 13 and again at 18, answering questions about how often their mother or father exerted psychological control, such as using guilt, withdrawing love, fostering anxiety or employing other manipulative techniques.

Some parents used psychological control by saying, for example, “If you really cared for me, you wouldn’t do things to worry me,” or by becoming distant when their teens didn’t see eye to eye with them.

Researchers also assessed the teens’ ability to reason, to “be their own people” and to express confidence, as well as their ability to show warmth and connection at ages 13, 18 and 21, partly by recruiting and surveying the teens’ close friends. Researchers watched the subjects and their friends or romantic partners have disagreements and discussions on tape and coded their interactions for confidence, warmth and collaborativeness. The study team reported their results in the journal Child Development.

“In this study, we examined psychological control on a continuum, and found that the more psychological control parents exerted, the more difficulties teens had establishing a sense of independence and closeness during a disagreement with close friends and romantic partners,” Oudekerk said.

“Over all, we found that the more psychological control youth experienced from parents, the less likely they were to express their own opinions, give reasons why they felt that way and do so in a warm, collaborative way,” she said. “We are not able to tell, exactly, how much ‘too much’ psychological control is.”

The researchers do not know why psychological control predicts less autonomy and relatedness later in life, but these kinds of parenting practices might teach youth that disagreeing with their parents or others can hurt the relationship, and instead it is better to just agree, she said.

 “In general, psychological control is not a good way to parent, so it would be better if parents didn’t use psychological control at all,” said Dr. Judith Smetana, an adolescent development researcher at the University of Rochester in New York. “There’s really no ‘good’ amount.”

What can parents do to turn the tide? In our experience, the biggest contributor to a parents struggle with their teen is FEAR. Fear of their teens safety; fear of external factors such as social media, street drugs, and alcohol use. Fear of the unknown is another minefield. A teens need for privacy often feels like rejection to a parent and contributes to a parent's sense of isolation from their teen. This can fuel a tremendous amount of anxiety and more fear.

Breaking this vicious cycle is not an easy task, and the best place to begin is to believe in your teen again. See them as capable, as being able to handle the outcome of their choices - even if they don't handle it well they are capable of learning and growing from their experiences. You are their safety net to help them when they fall. 

Don't go it alone. Get the support you need to navigate these years in a healthy manner. Sign up for a parenting class, see a counselor, reach out. They are worth it and so are you.

We have a new Preteen/Teen class starting in a few weeks, join us!

All the best,

Beverley & Doone

416-480-2499 or 416-944-0412