“Research shows that physical punishment of a child can actually change the brain’s neural pathways, setting him or her up to use similar force as a parent later in life. Ending the cycle of violence isn’t easy but it can be done.” Globe and Mail, September 19, 2014Parents often ask us, “If I adopt your collaborative approach to parenting, can I discipline my child when things aren’t working? How?”
Effective Discipline Tools
Alternatives
to punishment is such a vital focus for parents that we decided to dedicate our
next few newsletters to guiding parents on how to incorporate discipline in a
positive and encouraging way into their family life.Messing up is normal in any family.
Kids
draw on the wall, they break a vase when they’re jumping off the sofa, or they
might even steal money to buy candy at the store. It might be a simple mistake,
something they didn’t think through in advance. Or it might be intentional,
repeated behavior. If it is, you can be pretty sure that something is driving
this behavior and the most helpful thing we can do is figure out what it is.
Then we can look for a solution with our child.
Valuable Resource
When
things go wrong, we can depend on an incredibly valuable resource – our own
child’s natural creativity and ability to solve problems. Kids are our greatest
resource. Figure them out, and they can move from resistance to cooperation.
They have lots of ideas, they’re creative, and they respond to problem-solving.
One of
the most effective lines we can use when our child has messed up is this one:
“What do you think you can to do about this?” Here we are asking our child for
their ideas to solve the problem, and it can transform a potentially ugly
confrontation into a creative problem-solving exercise.
Last Resort
When a
child continues to disregard solutions or decisions agreed upon, then it’s time
for follow through. But instead of dishing out a consequence we’d like you to
consider what we call taking the Logical Next Step.
The 3R Rule for Logical Next Steps
Whenever
we feel the need to follow through on a behavior with a Logical Next Step it
needs to pass this litmus test: The 3R Rule – Respectful, Reasonable, Related.
1. Be Respectful
Your
tone should show respect for your child. Instead of “How dare you ...” you can
say, “This isn’t working today, so we need to leave.”
Dreikurs,
a renowned American psychologist, put it this way: If logical consequences are used as a
threat or imposed in anger, they cease being consequences and become
punishments. Children are quick to discern the difference. They respond
positively to logical consequences; they fight back when punished.
2. Be Reasonable
Going
home when a child is acting up in a restaurant is a reasonable solution.
Telling the child they won’t ever come to a restaurant with you again would be
unreasonable.
3. Relate the Step to the Behavior
A
Logical Next Step must be related to the behavior. Leaving the restaurant
passed this test. If you say to one child, “If you hit your sister, you won’t
have dessert,” it doesn’t follow. If your child talks back at the dinner table,
and you say, “No TV tonight,” it won’t make sense. He’ll only resent you for it
and feel the need to retaliate.
When
used properly, Logical Next Step is a very effective way to respond to a
child’s negative behavior. Children do recognize when they are given chances
but choose to disregard all efforts. They do see the fairness and they will
come around.
In our next newsletter, we’ll share with you our thoughts
and solutions for some of the typical challenges parents bring to us.
5 comments:
I would like to relate the next step to the behaviour. With your example of talking back at the dinner table (or other inappropriate behaviour at dinner at home), what would be an example of a good consequence?
I would like to use a Logical Next Step that relates to the unwanted behaviour. What would be an example of a good consequence for talking back at the dinner table at home (or other inappropriate behaviour)?
Denise, thank you for your question. This is definitely one of those counter-intuitive parenting moments.
When I was a child, one would have been lectured on ‘how to behave’ and then threatened with removal from the table. If a child pushed back, he/she would have been physically hauled up the stairs and tossed into their room with no dinner that night!
And in my experience, most children aren’t in their room thinking “Why am I so difficult all the time? My parent deserves better than this.” No, they’re thinking how mean their parent is and plotting revenge.
Sound at all familiar?
Here’s a more helpful approach that we teach parents in our courses…
If your child is over the age of 5 years he is fully aware of the behavior you feel is appropriate at the table, so a lecture is a waste of energy.
Recognizing that you only control yourself and that you also wish to model to your child, respectful approaches when it comes to dealing with a conflict, then you could: with a calm and caring voice, ask the child if everything’s okay or if they possibly need to take a break from the table? If they refuse the peace offering and continue to act up you go to Plan B. You pick up your plate and say “This isn’t working for me tonight; I think I’ll finish my meal in the other room.” One of two things will likely happen now. Your child will say “I’ll stop. Please stay.” And you can thank them for their cooperation and settle down again. But be prepared for it to ramp up and this time leave calmly for good and say “We can try again tomorrow night.” Or, they will increase their behavior in response to the perceived challenge from you, in which case you will continue on your way. And that’s fine too.
The message you want to send, is “I care about you and I care about me. We’ll get through this, but it might take a few nights.”
Parents that follow through do find that it only takes 2 or 3 tries and their child gets the message. Our children truly do want to be close to us and that works in our favor!
Let me know how it goes!
Beverley
P.S. If children are badgered over manners or homework plans, every dinner, they may be thrilled to see the back of us! So it is important to invest in making meal time a pleasure.
Thanks Beverley, that does sound good. But how would you suggest I modify the approach given that my son is almost 2 years old? He likes to do things like dump and throw food, transfer food between his and my plate, or put his feet on the table.
Thanks for clarifying your son's age Denise.
Two year olds are another kettle of fish! Firstly, this behavior is age appropriate. At this stage of development kids are very tactile and exploring their world, and doing a fair amount of testing. One of our key jobs is to train a young child, and this can be done in a caring fashion.
We model the same attitude of LRB: I love you, however I do not love your choices right now; I will treat you with respect and myself at the same time; and I have confidence and belief in your ability to learn and handle the results of your choice.
The tools are a bit different.
Ask a question: “Would you like to eat your lunch, or are you done?”
Describe what you see: “I see you’re playing with your food – does that mean you are done eating?”
Action, not words: When he starts to play with his food you can gently scoop him out of his chair and say “Looks like you are finished eating.”
Share the Routine: “We play with toys, not with our food.”
Give him a way to contribute: When he gets down we pick up the food together – make it a pleasant activity not a punishment. “Would like to pick up the peas or the rice?”
Redirect/distract: This tool doesn’t have long-term success but can work with this age. Sit with him and talk; tell a story while you eat together.
Mine: Children start saying “mine” at this stage. When he touches your food you can say “This is mommy’s dinner, that is your dinner.”
Good luck!
Beverley
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