I recently participated in a cross-country Web Chat with parents, answering their questions on school and anxiety related issues. I’ll be doing a weekly posting of these Q & A’s.
Today, I’m kicking off with one parent’s homework challenge – many of you will relate!
Question from Kieran –
My 11 year old daughter doesn’t take responsibility for her homework and she insists that I help her every night! It always ends in a battle of wills. How can I get her to take charge without me?
Hi Kieran,
Many parents feel like a hostage at homework time. I’m glad to see you’re focusing on an important goal – that your daughter takes charge of her homework without you. It’s in our children’s best interest to become independent learners – unless we’re willing to be there for the rest of their school life!
A good place to start is to tell her that you love her too much to fight every night about homework. Then the two of you need to sit down and brainstorm a better way.
Here are 4 easy and effective problem-solving steps:
1. Find a calm time (Not after a 2 hour homework ordeal!)
2. Focus the conversation on her feelings – dig deep and show some understanding for her point of view. This is where you win her cooperation to help solve the problem. It could sound like this, “You seem to have trouble focusing unless I’m sitting with you. And it must be very upsetting when I pull away and won’t help. Is that how you’re feeling?” (Then zip it up and let her share her thoughts and feelings.) When you feel it’s been thoroughly explored move on to #3.
3. Focus on your point of view in 10 words or less! More than that and you start losing your child’s attention and interest, typically because we dredge up history, whine and complain! Here’s an ideal focus – “Our relationship is too important to fight over homework.” Or, “I love you too much to fight like this.” When you stick to the heart of the matter – which is the relationship – then she gets the message that you do care.
4. Solution gathering. Explore together your options and make a list. It helps to let your child start first. No ‘dissing’ each other’s ideas – this is blueskying time! Then review and narrow it down to a couple of solutions you’re both comfortable with. Agree to try these for a short period of time, perhaps 3 nights. Then check in at that point and see if it’s working. If it is, congratulate yourselves, and if it isn’t, go back to the drawing board and tweak it!
BONUS: When you engage your child in a problem-solving process you’re teaching them how to resolve conflicts in a respectful way. A vital skill in life!
There are many approaches that can be taken around homework. Since your goal is that she becomes an independent learner, I’d focus on solutions that will get you there!
Here are some ideas:
• Define your role. Perhaps you sit down for 5 - 10 minutes each night and have her review with you what needs to be done. Help her structure how she’s going to tackle the work, and then remove yourself and be a resource she can call on when she needs you. (This is weaning her away from her dependence on you! You may need to have some restrictions on your time, such as you’re only available between 7:30 and 9:30 PM)
• She can choose which time of the evening she is most ready to face homework. Perhaps even breaking into 2 chunks – some before dinner and some after.
• If she is struggling to focus then its ok for her to that a break.
• If she hasn't completed her homework within a reasonable time frame, she closes the book for the evening and can either tackle it in the morning before school or take it to school incomplete.
While it is difficult for us to see our child go to school with their homework incomplete, they need to learn to handle the outcome of their choices. We do our children a disservice when we protect them from these life struggles.
Here’s to some freedom at last Kieran!
If you’ve had some success with a similar situation please leave an encouraging comment for Kieran. Many thanks!
Check back for next week’s posting. Or even easier - these postings can come to you via Facebook. Simply take a moment and “Like” our brand NEW Fan Page. Here’s the link.
Warm regards, Beverley
P.S. Our Early Bird Special is on now! Courses for Winter 2011/12
Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, Certified Parent Educator, and Founder of Parenting Network.
You can get more of Beverley’s great ideas and tips in her Audio Learning Series – easily downloaded to your iPod or computer!
Topics include:
• Parenting Styles: Knowing when you’re too tough or permissive… & what to do about it!
• Cooperation at its Best: Easy strategies that will transform your family!
• Discipline That Works: Positive approaches to deal with a child's negative behaviour!
• Encouragement Skills: Helping a child’s self-esteem, confidence &... the perils of praise
• Power Struggles: Solutions for defiance, dawdling & other daily conflicts!
Today, I’m kicking off with one parent’s homework challenge – many of you will relate!
Question from Kieran –
My 11 year old daughter doesn’t take responsibility for her homework and she insists that I help her every night! It always ends in a battle of wills. How can I get her to take charge without me?
Hi Kieran,
Many parents feel like a hostage at homework time. I’m glad to see you’re focusing on an important goal – that your daughter takes charge of her homework without you. It’s in our children’s best interest to become independent learners – unless we’re willing to be there for the rest of their school life!
A good place to start is to tell her that you love her too much to fight every night about homework. Then the two of you need to sit down and brainstorm a better way.
Here are 4 easy and effective problem-solving steps:
1. Find a calm time (Not after a 2 hour homework ordeal!)
2. Focus the conversation on her feelings – dig deep and show some understanding for her point of view. This is where you win her cooperation to help solve the problem. It could sound like this, “You seem to have trouble focusing unless I’m sitting with you. And it must be very upsetting when I pull away and won’t help. Is that how you’re feeling?” (Then zip it up and let her share her thoughts and feelings.) When you feel it’s been thoroughly explored move on to #3.
3. Focus on your point of view in 10 words or less! More than that and you start losing your child’s attention and interest, typically because we dredge up history, whine and complain! Here’s an ideal focus – “Our relationship is too important to fight over homework.” Or, “I love you too much to fight like this.” When you stick to the heart of the matter – which is the relationship – then she gets the message that you do care.
4. Solution gathering. Explore together your options and make a list. It helps to let your child start first. No ‘dissing’ each other’s ideas – this is blueskying time! Then review and narrow it down to a couple of solutions you’re both comfortable with. Agree to try these for a short period of time, perhaps 3 nights. Then check in at that point and see if it’s working. If it is, congratulate yourselves, and if it isn’t, go back to the drawing board and tweak it!
BONUS: When you engage your child in a problem-solving process you’re teaching them how to resolve conflicts in a respectful way. A vital skill in life!
There are many approaches that can be taken around homework. Since your goal is that she becomes an independent learner, I’d focus on solutions that will get you there!
Here are some ideas:
• Define your role. Perhaps you sit down for 5 - 10 minutes each night and have her review with you what needs to be done. Help her structure how she’s going to tackle the work, and then remove yourself and be a resource she can call on when she needs you. (This is weaning her away from her dependence on you! You may need to have some restrictions on your time, such as you’re only available between 7:30 and 9:30 PM)
• She can choose which time of the evening she is most ready to face homework. Perhaps even breaking into 2 chunks – some before dinner and some after.
• If she is struggling to focus then its ok for her to that a break.
• If she hasn't completed her homework within a reasonable time frame, she closes the book for the evening and can either tackle it in the morning before school or take it to school incomplete.
While it is difficult for us to see our child go to school with their homework incomplete, they need to learn to handle the outcome of their choices. We do our children a disservice when we protect them from these life struggles.
Here’s to some freedom at last Kieran!
If you’ve had some success with a similar situation please leave an encouraging comment for Kieran. Many thanks!
Check back for next week’s posting. Or even easier - these postings can come to you via Facebook. Simply take a moment and “Like” our brand NEW Fan Page. Here’s the link.
Warm regards, Beverley
P.S. Our Early Bird Special is on now! Courses for Winter 2011/12
Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, Certified Parent Educator, and Founder of Parenting Network.
You can get more of Beverley’s great ideas and tips in her Audio Learning Series – easily downloaded to your iPod or computer!
Topics include:
• Parenting Styles: Knowing when you’re too tough or permissive… & what to do about it!
• Cooperation at its Best: Easy strategies that will transform your family!
• Discipline That Works: Positive approaches to deal with a child's negative behaviour!
• Encouragement Skills: Helping a child’s self-esteem, confidence &... the perils of praise
• Power Struggles: Solutions for defiance, dawdling & other daily conflicts!
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