Communication is a double-edged sword. It works best when you say what you want, not what you don’t want. And in 90 seconds, you’ll know how!My friend and author, Nick Boothman, wrote in a recent blog this “Apples and Carrots” story. The simplicity of this tool struck me right away and I had to share it with you! Look for my Tips below on how to use this great tool with your kids.
“I live on a farm in a very picturesque part of the countryside. One of my neighbors raises horses. At weekends people come out from the city to enjoy the sights and sounds of nature. Sometimes, they stop and feed my neighbor’s horses.
“They’re driving me nuts,” he told me one morning. “Horses don’t eat left over hamburgers and pizza: they’re vegetarians, for heaven’s sake! They just sniff it and drop it right there. Before long it attracts flies and rats and dogs. So, I put up a sign ‘Please Do Not Feed the Horses,’ but it got worse.”
“No kidding? Now people drive by and think, ‘Oh what a great idea, let’s stop and let granny and the kids feed the horses. This guy’s polite, he says ‘please,’ he won’t mind.”
“Nick, you’ve got to help me I’m at my wit’s end.” I scribbled a few words on a scrap of paper. “Try putting this on your sign.” I didn’t see him again until the end of summer. One evening his truck pulled up in my driveway and he got out smiling. “Nick, it worked like magic.”
That was three years ago. If you drive by today you can see the sign for yourself. It simply reads, “We only eat apples and carrots.”
Moral of the story: Communication is a double-edged sword. It works best when you say what you want, not what you don’t want.”
So here are some ways to put this simple idea to work for you: (I used some fairly typical parent comments to demonstrate.)
Instead of… “Don’t jump on the couch.”
Say… “If you want to jump, let’s get some cushions for the floor so you can jump safely.”
Instead of… “I don’t like reading stories when the 2 of you are bugging each other.”
Say… “I’m willing to read the story when things settle down.”
Instead of… “Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking.”
Say… “When I’m finished talking with your sister, I’d like to hear what’s important to you.”
Instead of… “Don’t come home late again tonight!”
Say… “I’ll see you at 11:00 PM.”
Pretty easy eh? So unless it’s a life-threatening moment, take out the ‘don’t’ and find a more respectful and positive way to say what it is you do want.
Until next time, stay well!
Beverley
Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network.
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2 comments:
Thanks for a great story. "let’s stop and let granny and the kids feed the horses" made me laugh out loud! I think it would also be a great thing to teach our children for when they're speaking to each other. What a good exercise for choosing honoring words. Be blessed in your mission.
I laughed out loud too! You could just visualize the scene. Sometimes the most powerful lessons are the simplest. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
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