Sibling Rivalry - Principle I

Want your kids to stop fighting? Wish they acted more kindly towards one another? Maybe you even dream about them being best friends when they grow up? Well, if what you’re doing now isn’t working – it’s time for a change.

While sibling rivalry is very common in families, much of it can be avoided. One big contributor to the problem is something most parents do, too often - deny their children’s feelings.

We think we’re being helpful when we say things like:
“Don’t say you hate Mike, he’s your brother - you love him.”
“We don’t use that word in this house. It’s not nice.”
“That’s no way to talk to Lauren! You’re lucky you have a sister.”

While our intentions may be good... expecting a child to show warm, fuzzy feelings when they’re not feeling that way can lead to resentment and further retaliations.

There are 4 Key Principles to creating the close, cooperative relationships we so dearly want between our children.

Principle #1: Stop denying a child’s feelings. Instead, acknowledge their feelings, empathize and explore alternative actions.

“I understand that you’re upset that Mike knocked down your blocks. Instead of hitting, how could you let him know this?”
“You must be pretty upset to say you hate your brother. Do you want to tell me about it?”
“I see you’re mad that your sister got your shirt dirty – let’s see how she can help fix it.”

Validating your child’s feelings helps them feel understood, accepted, and unconditionally loved. This can have a calming effect, and make them more ready to listen. Exploring alternative actions gives them a tool they can use for the next time.(More on this in our next posting!)

Remember that all feelings are ok – just not all actions!

Watch for Principle #2 in our next Essential Parenting Tips posting.
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