What Kind of Parent Are You?

"Your children will become what you are, so be what you want them to be." - David Bly

One of our biggest parenting tools is what we role model to our children. So it’s a good idea to occasionally take stock of our approach as a parent since it follows us throughout our parenting years. And what better time than now, at the beginning of a New Year. So I devised this little test.

What Type of Parent Are You?
Read how the following 4 parents get a child out of the house in the morning, and see which one sounds most like you!


Parent #1
"How many times have I told you there’s no TV in the morning. Turn it off now or there will be no TV for a week."

"You still haven’t got your backpack ready. What is the matter with you? Your sister’s 2 years younger than you and she’s ready!"

"You need to put your mitts on or your hands will get cold today. It’s not a choice."

This is the Autocratic parent. Their Tool kit includes blame, threats, and commands - spiced up with a sprinkling of Fear.
The big problem we’re creating for ourselves when we behave like the boss is that our children have only one of two choices - submit to our demands, or be defiant. Neither leads to cooperation, independence or respect.


Parent #2
"Okay, okay. Watch some TV. Just stop the whining. And don’t think that means you can watch tomorrow."

"You’re so slow. Here let me handle your pack – just get your coat on. We’re going to be late again!"

"Fine, don’t take your mitts. You’ll wish you had listened to me when your hands get cold."

Permissive parenting is the opposite of Autocratic. Here the child runs the show and the parent is submissive.
Giving-in to the child, with much exasperation, is big in this Toolkit. Permissive parents tell me they walk on eggshells around their child. They’ll do anything to avoid another volcanic eruption.


Parent #3
"Why don’t you watch some TV while I get things packed and ready for the car. I’ll let you know when it’s time to get your coat on."

"Your pack is at the door. I put in some clean clothes for gym today."

"Here’s your coat and mitts – it’s time for us to go."

The biggest damage of Pampering is a child grows up with a sense of entitlement and no sense of responsibility.

Pampering is a new parenting style. The big difference between this style and Permissive parenting is that the parent overdoes for the child willingly!


Parent #4
On a good day when all the stars are aligned, we can sound more like this:

"I see the TV on. When is it we watch TV in our house?… That’s right, after school. If that show’s really important you know you can record it for later."

"It’s 5 minutes to leaving time. Is there anything you need to do before we go?"

"It’s a cold day today. If you don’t want to wear your mitts why don’t you tuck them in your pack should you change your mind later."


This is the Democratic parenting style. And I’m sure you’ll agree that these statements are dramatically different.

You definitely have a better shot of getting your child’s co-operation and respect with this parenting style. This is accomplished by focussing them on ‘the needs of the situation’, giving them more control over decisions and behaving in a respectful manner.


So which parenting style sounds most like you?
Most parents tell me that they dabble in a couple and swing like a pendulum from one style to another.

Either way, if you see some room for improvement you’ve taken the first step - self-recognition. Then it’s simply about learning some skills and replacing the unhealthy tools in your Toolkit with more respectful ones.

Like many of the important things in life, changing patterns takes time and practice. Just as it would if you were to take up a new sport or learn to play the piano.

So get the help or support you need and cut yourself some slack!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross

To help you make the shift towards more respectful, democratic approaches with your children check out Beverley’s Audio CD: Parenting Styles: Making The Right Choice For Your Child and visit Parenting Network for our listing of popular parenting classes.