If you saw the article last week on “Consensual Parenting” in the press, you might have had some unanswered questions.
Consensual parenting devotees give their children a lot of ‘choice and say’ in family decisions. For example, one mom was willing to cancel a doctor’s appointment if her child was crabby, or find childcare. The concern for many parents is - when is this an act of respect for the child and when is it pampering or permissiveness?
Often power struggles with young children can be avoided by providing the child a say in small matters. Generally, this approach works best when the parents’ lives are not too much affected by the decision. For example, not worrying if the child wants to go out with messy hair or the same favourite clothes day after day can be helpful.
You wouldn’t believe how much easier things can get when parents don’t “sweat the small stuff”. The problem is trying to decide exactly what “the small stuff” is, because it differs for every parent. However, once the parent starts doing extra work, ie laundry, to accommodate the child’s choice, then the pampering has started and it can be a slippery slope.
Parents have the right to make choices as well and have a say over what they are willing to do and not do. This is about self-respect – often a neglected concept these days!
Children should not have choices where absolute health and safety are concerned. But they can help decide how often broccoli is on the menu or how high they are going to climb on the monkey bars or how many spots something has to have before it goes in the laundry.
Bedtime can be tricky if the child believes he is being ‘shunted’ off to bed, but often a choice of lights out at 7:30 or 7:45pm and a choice of one story or two will solve the problem.
And if children are given the opportunity to choose what they are going to take for snack when they end up in the car on the way to the doctor’s office, the parent will likely get more co-operation.
To help you make the shift towards more respectful, democratic approaches with your children check out our website Parenting Network for our listing of popular parenting classes and products.
› Email Doone@parentingnetwork.ca
Doone Estey, Parent Educator.
Find out more about us at parentingnetwork.ca or browse our catalogue for available parenting courses in your area.
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