When Parents disagree

When parents disagree about parenting


Both parents have the best of intentions in raising their children. They both want their children to be successful, responsible and well liked by people around them.
There are two major systems of motivation, democratic and autocratic, and most people automatically incorporate the system they were brought up with.

Your husband believes that pointing out mistakes, winning approval and avoiding disapproval is the best way to motivate your child, thus the child will learn the right and proper behaviors. However, the child can feel that he is more loved and more worthy when he is approved of, and less loved and less worthy when he is disapproved of.

You seem to have the sense that your husband’s motivational system can be undermining the child’s self-esteem by restricting the child’s judgment and creativity. This reduces the child’s feelings of being his own person.

Instead of questioning your husband’s behavior and criticizing him, develop the attitude that he also wants the best for his child. Criticizing and disapproving of your husband is actually using the same system that you want your husband to stop using with your child. By adopting this new attitude of respect, you can model that people can have differences of opinion and not have their self-esteem diminished. In other words, when we get out of the “I’m right” and “you’re wrong” restrictive framework, we realize that our spouses are more open to new ideas and ways of parenting. Some encouragement when they get it “right” are always helpful too.

Ultimately you can only be responsible for your own relationship with your child. Show him that he is valued and loved unconditionally. Everyone will make mistakes, and they still can be respected for doing their best. Show faith in him that he will learn from his mistakes, and not feel diminished.

By your example of showing unconditional love, respect for other peoples’ opinions and having faith in their ability to handle adversities, your husband can then judge which system will achieve better results.

Georgine and Marty Nash