It conjures up positive feelings like togetherness, unity, and harmony. As parents we’d all love more of this stuff in our families!
If you’re not living in a cooperative environment, you might be experiencing competition. People competing to get their way, which can foster a family environment that leads to stress, rivalry, and hurt feelings. Something too many of us experience everyday.
A key ingredient to a cooperative home is Family Atmosphere.
What do I mean by Family Atmosphere? How you talk with each other, how you deal with conflicts, your family values, and even your approach to mistakes will impact the atmosphere of your home.
Here are 5 suggestions that will help you have a great family atmosphere.
#1 - Tone of Voice
Let’s kick off with tone and volume of voice. A simple example is yelling. Do you yell or bark orders around the house? Because if you do, it’s highly likely your children yell too which creates a volatile, noisy and perhaps aggressive atmosphere. (If in doubt, just think about the last time that you called your kids to come to dinner.)
So I’m inviting you to take charge of your behaviour, and here’s how. First, tell your kids and partner about your decision, and ask them for their help – you’re likely going to need it. Breaking patterns and setting up new habits takes time. And here’s the Bonus – since you’re not going to be yelling for them, you won’t respond to their yelling for you.
How will this look and sound?
Tonight, instead of yelling up the stairs “Dinner’s ready, come down!” you are going to walk to their room and say “Dinner’s ready. I look forward to seeing you at the table.” If you have a teenager, I recommend you knock on their door first. In all, it’s only an investment of perhaps one-minute and yet it speaks volumes. It models respect for others, good manners, and lets the child know he’s valued in this family.
That looks after respect of the child, now let’s look at respect for you. Next time they yell for you from the top of their lungs and from the top of the house, do nothing. Don’t go to them (unless it’s an emergency), and don’t yell back. You wait, or if they’re nearby, say in a calm voice “I’m in the kitchen if you need me.”
Guess what will happen?
Typically the child will keep yelling and perhaps even louder if you don’t respond. So don’t expect miracles the first few times. As long as you are consistent, your kids will figure this out pretty quickly. They’ll eventually come looking for you, or even better solve more problems for themselves!
#2 - Affection and Connection
On a brighter note, affection and connection are vital to family atmosphere. These provide a child with a positive sense of belonging and self-worth.
I have a “Rule of 3”. Do something 3 times and your child will get it! 3 hugs a day, 3 reminders of how they are “loved no matter what” - even when they are behaving in a difficult manner.
Research shows over and over again the power of closeness. All children do better with affection, even your teenager. It can be as simple as a rub of their shoulder, a wink from across the room, or a cuddle.
I offer many more tips on how to be a more positive parent in my Encouragement Skills CD.
#3 - Dealing with Conflicts
How you deal with differences and conflicts in your home will contribute to the level of cooperation you’ll receive.
Let’s start with the timing. Your most effective problem solving happens when you and your child are calm. Introduce phrases like “Let’s talk about this when we are both calm”, or “I love you too much to fight, I need a little time out for me.” Or “This isn’t working, I think we need a little calming down time.” Notice I said ‘we need’, not “you”. This is non-blameful and goes a long way to gaining cooperation.
If you have a tendency to argue with your children, or have the need to be right or have the last word, you are not going to get the cooperation you are looking for. It’s time to lead your family in a more positive manner.
The goal is to engage in discussions, not arguments. So again, remove yourself if it starts getting heated and return to the discussion when you are calm. This is great modeling!
#4 - Mistakes Are Okay in Our House
Is this the message you give your children? We know a child’s growth relies heavily on first hand experience, on taking some risks. So our role is to provide a safe landing pad when they fail or use bad judgment. An attitude shift that might help would sound like this “Mistakes are okay in this house. What’s important is that you learn from the mistake and that you get up and try again!”
P.S. If you or your partner is a perfectionist, mistakes are likely not okay! Perfection doesn’t make for a comfortable or natural environment for children.
#5 - A Voice and Say
This last key ingredient to improving family atmosphere is giving your child a way to contribute to the family, wherever possible. This can be in the form of a “voice and say” in decisions, or doing a job.
If you’re not sure where to start, take your clue from your child. Next time they complain about the service, for example, “You cut my sandwich in squares, and I wanted triangles!” – guess what? You’re going to teach them how to do their own sandwiches from now on!
If they complain about the bedtime routine, work on a new one together.
Involve your child wherever possible. For example, next time you invite friends for the evening, give your child a job. Would they like to hang up coats, carry around the tray of appetizers, or help make the dessert? Involve them and cooperation happens like magic!
So have some faith and keep modeling the values that are important to you. In my experience, it’s so true, "in the end the apple does not fall far from the tree".
Beverley Cathcart-Ross
For more parenting tips, classes and products, visit parentingnetwork.ca
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