Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Flipping Their Lid

All of us "flip our lids" sometimes. We’re human. When it’s our child, it usually comes in the form of a tantrum, whining, hitting or crying. Often these behaviors indicate a child’s lack of skill to self-regulate (the ability to monitor and manage emotions, and thoughts).

Self-regulation is important because it helps a child to focus their attention and behave in socially appropriate ways, even when life gets tough. Research shows that a child’s ability to self-regulate is a more robust predictor of long-term success than academic achievement.

The encouraging news is that self-regulation can be taught.  The skill develops slowly over time so it’s important not to expect the same ability from a 3-year-old as from a 7-year-old or 17-year-old.

Mistakes and Making Repairs 
The process of making a repair after flipping our lid is critical. So when we parents become unglued, it’s important that we model taking responsibility for our actions and for repairing the relationship. Here are four suggestions that encourage the process of self-regulation inspired by fellow Adlerian, Dr. Jody McVittie:

1.      Re-gather: Take the time and space that you need to calm back down. (i.e. “I ‘m starting to feel a little tense, so I’m going to take a few minutes of quiet time to calm down.”)
Tip: Get your kids to help brainstorm ways to calm down. Such as, practice some deep breathing, go for a walk, listen to music, count backwards, wiggle toes or fingers, get some fresh air, and look at nature.
2.      Recognize: Internally acknowledge your mistake without shame and blame (i.e. "I blew it").
Tip: Pay attention to the things that trigger you and plan ahead how you will respond the next time.
3.      Reconcile: Apologize without making excuses. Keep it VERY brief and acknowledge your mistake (i.e. “I’m sorry for yelling,” or “I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that,” etc.).                                         Tip: Saying sorry isn’t enough. Make a plan for improvement too.

4.      Resolve: Share what you will do to make it different next time. What are you going to try? (i.e. “Next time I will count backwards when I’m frustrated instead of yelling.” or, “Next time I will ask you what happened before I jump to conclusions.”).                                                                                        Tip: Ask your children for their help. (i.e.” Next time you see me about to flip my lid, will you let me know?”)
An adult repairing their mistakes (and relationships) in this manner is powerful modeling to children. It sends an important message - everyone can make a mistake, and in our family we take ownership of our mistakes and we do our best to do better for the next time.

Want to learn more about how to self-regulate? Here are some resources:
·         Dr. Bruce Perry, a respected leader in the field, shares some of the neuroscience involved in self-regulation.
·         Improve the way you communicate with your children:  Sign up for our How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk course – last time offered this year!
·         Parent of a Preteen/Teen? Still time to join our Teleseminar: Parenting a Teenager
·         Books are a great way to explore this topic with young children: How Do Dinosaurs Say I'm Mad! by Jane Yolen; and Jared's Cool-Out Space by Dr. Jane Nelsen.
·         Download this feeling faces chart for free! Helps children identify and name their feelings.

Questions? Please leave a comment or get in touch!

Warm regards,

Beverley Cathcart-Ross & DooneEstey
Co-authors of Raising Great Parents

Our Book    Email     Facebook     Twitter     Website

No comments: