And when we ask couples in our Dynamic Marriage/Life Partnership course which topic was the most helpful, the majority answer “The hurt cycle.” Because there is a way to deal with it!
What is the hurt cycle?
In our most intense relationship, the one involving our partner, we tend to be—not surprisingly—the most sensitive and can find ourselves caught in a cycle of hurting. Here’s how it works:
Our partner does something to us that we find hurtful, and the most common reaction is to retreat in pain. Just as we would if our hand touched a hot stove it would withdraw reflexively. We do this as a defensive measure. However, to our partner it looks as though now we’re withholding our love, which is viewed as an offensive response – which in turn makes them feel hurt! And no surprise, they typically lash back.
For example: my husband arrives home on my birthday without bringing me the flowers I expected. He asks me what’s for dinner. I feel hurt by his not acknowledging my big occasion and answer, “You can open a can of beans!” as I storm out of the room. My response comes across as cold and loveless. So now he in turn feels hurt.
After a while I realize how little the forgotten flowers matter compared to our relationship, so I approach him and try to make up. But he’s still in a snit and not ready to let go of his hurt. This in turn hurts me—again—and the cycle goes on!
There are two kinds of hurt
It’s important to understand that there are two kinds of hurt – physical and emotional. When we ask people what is more painful, the majority answer, without hesitation, that emotional hurt outweighs physical hurt.
But there’s another difference between physical and emotional hurt. When you break a leg, it hurts. There’s no getting around it, there’s no choice.
On the other hand, when someone says something to you that you find hurtful, you do have a choice as to how you’ll perceive it.
Here’s a story to explain what we mean: We were talking to an intelligent, accomplished couple who often felt hurt by remarks they made to each other. They felt they had no choice but to feel hurt. So we asked them, “Would you feel hurt if someone told you that you weren’t smart enough because you didn’t speak ancient Sanskrit?” They could then see that it was a decision, or choice, on an individual’s part as to how they perceived a particular remark. Of course the things we value most in life will put us at a greater risk of being hurt.
The choice is ours
Having said that, this intellectual understanding isn’t usually enough to erase the hurts we choose to feel. What is in our power is to decide how long we want to feel this hurt. The hurt comes up automatically and involuntarily; it’s a reflex, a knee jerk reaction, when one of our sensitive buttons is pushed.
So next time you’ll have this choice: you can stay sensitive and head down the path of the dreaded hurt cycle, or you can remind yourself that your life partner, who loves you, doesn’t deliberately want to hurt you. And that will help you nip this downward cycle in the bud!
Dr. Marty and Georgine Nash
Co-founders of Parenting Network
P.S. Click here to see all of our Fall Courses!
What participants are saying about this course:
"My husband and I took the Dynamic Life Partnership Course in the spring and we absolutely loved it!!! We regularly use the skills we learned. As facilitators, Martin and Georgine were knowledgeable, skillful, and warm." Anna Ballon
"This course provides a wonderful opportunity to take pause and reflect on your background and that of your partner to understand the dynamics at play in your marriage." Jody Wilson
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