Parenting Network: 2011

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Holiday Survival Tips for Moms and Dads!

Can you believe it's already December? Are you ready? Do you have a million lists running around your head and the nagging thought that there is simply not enough time to do everything?

Here are some ideas to help busy parents survive (and maybe enjoy!) the next month:

1. Break the tasks down into smaller ones and get started. Even if it is just getting out some boxes of lights or recipes or buying some hostess gifts. Take the first step to ease your way into the holiday spirit.

2. Make multiple lists: one for gifts, one for cards, one for food, one for decorating, one for charitable, one for seasonal and school events. Prioritize and eliminate items as you go.

3. Set 3-5 priorities each day, to be done in between putting out all the fires. This way at least you’ll have done some of the most pressing tasks by the end of the day.

4. Hire extra help. If your children are older, consider paying them to help do things above and beyond their regular chores. They can babysit, shop, wrap, decorate, cook. If your children are younger, consider your friends’ university-aged kids who are home for the holidays and looking for part time work.

5. Organize a shopping babysitting pool. Together with a couple of friends, offer to host a kids’ play group while the other moms shop and then rotate so you get 2 afternoons to yourself.

6. Do less. A lot less. Often Moms will run themselves ragged trying to do too much and never saying “no”. Don’t volunteer to bring homemade cookies to the class party just because of what the other moms will say. And don’t feel guilty! Your family would rather have a less accomplished, calm Mom than a crazy Supermom.

7. Marshmallow Snowmen, Inuksuks and Igloos. Unless you are really into them, never mind all those complicated crafts in the magazines. Get some toothpicks, gumdrops and marshmallows and have your kids go creative. Use canned icing to stick on sprinkles, buttons, beads, ribbons or whatever other decorations you have around.

8. Email holiday cards and invitations. Get recipes and gifts online.

9. Watch your party persona. Don’t even think of overindulging in food and alcohol until the middle of December, when the season is in full swing, or January 2 will arrive with a vengeance.

10. Be Mindful. Relax your shoulders, take 10 slow deep breaths and do 5 different stretches every hour just to keep things in perspective and to truly appreciate the beauty and meaning of the season.

Doone Estey, Certified Parent Educator, Speaker, Partner, Parenting Network

Friday, October 21, 2011

Are you held hostage at homework time?

I recently participated in a cross-country Web Chat with parents, answering their questions on school and anxiety related issues. I’ll be doing a weekly posting of these Q & A’s.

Today, I’m kicking off with one parent’s homework challenge – many of you will relate!

Question from Kieran –

My 11 year old daughter doesn’t take responsibility for her homework and she insists that I help her every night! It always ends in a battle of wills. How can I get her to take charge without me?

Hi Kieran,
Many parents feel like a hostage at homework time. I’m glad to see you’re focusing on an important goal – that your daughter takes charge of her homework without you. It’s in our children’s best interest to become independent learners – unless we’re willing to be there for the rest of their school life!

A good place to start is to tell her that you love her too much to fight every night about homework. Then the two of you need to sit down and brainstorm a better way.

Here are 4 easy and effective problem-solving steps:

1. Find a calm time (Not after a 2 hour homework ordeal!)

2. Focus the conversation on her feelings – dig deep and show some understanding for her point of view. This is where you win her cooperation to help solve the problem. It could sound like this, “You seem to have trouble focusing unless I’m sitting with you. And it must be very upsetting when I pull away and won’t help. Is that how you’re feeling?” (Then zip it up and let her share her thoughts and feelings.) When you feel it’s been thoroughly explored move on to #3.

3. Focus on your point of view in 10 words or less! More than that and you start losing your child’s attention and interest, typically because we dredge up history, whine and complain! Here’s an ideal focus – “Our relationship is too important to fight over homework.” Or, “I love you too much to fight like this.” When you stick to the heart of the matter – which is the relationship – then she gets the message that you do care.

4. Solution gathering. Explore together your options and make a list. It helps to let your child start first. No ‘dissing’ each other’s ideas – this is blueskying time! Then review and narrow it down to a couple of solutions you’re both comfortable with. Agree to try these for a short period of time, perhaps 3 nights. Then check in at that point and see if it’s working. If it is, congratulate yourselves, and if it isn’t, go back to the drawing board and tweak it!

BONUS: When you engage your child in a problem-solving process you’re teaching them how to resolve conflicts in a respectful way. A vital skill in life!
There are many approaches that can be taken around homework. Since your goal is that she becomes an independent learner, I’d focus on solutions that will get you there!

Here are some ideas:

• Define your role. Perhaps you sit down for 5 - 10 minutes each night and have her review with you what needs to be done. Help her structure how she’s going to tackle the work, and then remove yourself and be a resource she can call on when she needs you. (This is weaning her away from her dependence on you! You may need to have some restrictions on your time, such as you’re only available between 7:30 and 9:30 PM)

• She can choose which time of the evening she is most ready to face homework. Perhaps even breaking into 2 chunks – some before dinner and some after.

• If she is struggling to focus then its ok for her to that a break.

• If she hasn't completed her homework within a reasonable time frame, she closes the book for the evening and can either tackle it in the morning before school or take it to school incomplete.

While it is difficult for us to see our child go to school with their homework incomplete, they need to learn to handle the outcome of their choices. We do our children a disservice when we protect them from these life struggles.

Here’s to some freedom at last Kieran!

If you’ve had some success with a similar situation please leave an encouraging comment for Kieran. Many thanks!

Check back for next week’s posting. Or even easier - these postings can come to you via Facebook. Simply take a moment and “Like” our brand NEW Fan Page. Here’s the link.

Warm regards, Beverley
P.S. Our Early Bird Special is on now! Courses for Winter 2011/12

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, Certified Parent Educator, and Founder of Parenting Network.

You can get more of Beverley’s great ideas and tips in her Audio Learning Series – easily downloaded to your iPod or computer!
Topics include:
• Parenting Styles: Knowing when you’re too tough or permissive… & what to do about it!
• Cooperation at its Best: Easy strategies that will transform your family!
• Discipline That Works: Positive approaches to deal with a child's negative behaviour!
• Encouragement Skills: Helping a child’s self-esteem, confidence &... the perils of praise
• Power Struggles: Solutions for defiance, dawdling & other daily conflicts!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Instant cooperation with Your Teen

Here are 7 quick ways to inspire instant cooperation with a Teen:

1. Show empathy and understanding, “Wow sounds like you had a tough day.” And then zip it up and switch into listening. Or, “I hear you… raking leaves is the last thing you want to do with your Saturday.”

2. Adjust your attitude to fit the situation before you approach your teen because your attitude not only drives your behavior – it drives theirs. Welcoming, interested, enthusiastic and non-judgmental are really useful attitudes.

3. Open body language – open hands, uncrossed arms, etc. contribute to a welcoming attitude. Making eye contact helps too! I know this can be a tall order with many teens, but it helps create trust and can calm many a situation.

4. Give feedback, physical and spoken - nod, say “Mm hmm” “I see” etc. It helps a person feel understood and safe to share.

5. Tell them what you will do, not what they will do “I’m willing to serve dinner when the table is clear.”; “I would like to hear what you have to say, but this isn’t working for me. How about we come back to this in an hour when I’m calmer.” (saying “I’m calmer” is non-blameful)

6. Give a choice. “It’s your day to empty the dishwasher. Are you planning to do it before breakfast, or after?”

7. Share your feelings. “I really enjoyed our evening together. Thanks for joining us.” Less is often best with Teens.

More great suggestions in our Preteen/Teen-It's a Whole New Ballgame! course.

Acknowledgements: How to Talk So Teens Will Listen, by Adele Faber; Boothman’s Boost

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Minute Moves

One of our main goals as parents is to help our children become less dependent on us! Children are ready from an early age to learn to be independent, gearing them towards a more self-reliant way of thinking. We found these fun and simple 'minute' activities on-line. The best part is that your child can complete most of them on their own, without any input from you! And bonus... they're educational!

SET UP

If you don't have one, I strongly suggest going out and buying an egg timer. Setting the timer and hearing it ring is great sensory reinforcement of time concepts. Alternatively, many smart phones have timer apps already installed, or you could find a few short, one-minute songs your child loves, using them as the timer for these games.

TO PLAY

Set the timer for one minute (or whatever time increment you believe your child can manage), then let them have fun! Use the following list as your starting point, then make up your own Minute Moves! But be sure not to make these games competitive. The idea here is to have your child understand what time feels like by playing and moving through time. Enjoy!

How far can you run in a minute?
How much sand can you scoop in your bucket in a minute?
How many times can your roll over in a minute?
How many blocks can you stack in a minute?
Can you hang from the monkeybars for a minute?
Can you wiggle your toes for a minute?
Can you bounce a ball for a minute?
Can you stay still for a minute?
Can you brush your teeth for a minute?
How many kisses can you give mommy in a minute?

So why not give this a go and make sure to tell your child how well they are able to do these tasks on their own!

For more ideas check out 'Minute Moves!'

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Why My Daughters go to Private School

Are you toying with the idea of private vs. public school? Parenting Network brings you an expert's opinion from 'Ourkidsmedia'. See what he has to say:

"Sure, the most common perception is that a private school education is only for the rich and privileged. And while that opinion might have some historical truth, I’d like to suggest a slight amendment to that statement that would make it more accurate:

Private school education is not only for the rich and privileged, but also for any parent who is willing to go into debt, those willing to fundraise, those willing borrow from family, those willing to volunteer time, and especially ONLY for those willing make massive sacrifices to their lifestyles, all for the sake of their kids.

In this three-part series of Like Father, Like Daughters, I’ll endeavor to explain why I chose to pay for something that I could have for free, and why I feel that it will pay great dividends in years to come despite the many sacrifices made.

I’ve sent both my daughters to a small private school, here in Toronto, since junior kindergarten and I by no means, fraternize with the Toronto’s society of the rich and powerful. I have however, humbly fundraised, borrowed, volunteered time and made numerous sacrifices over the past seven years, and I suspect that I will continue to do so over the next ten years. So why do I do it?
Very simply, I value the character formation of my daughters and I’m willing to beg and borrow for it.

Now keep in mind, I’m not suggesting that a private school would provide a better academic education than a public school, nor am I inferring that a public school education is inferior across the board. In fact, the level of academic excellence wasn’t even a deciding factor in the private vs. public education decision. My number one priority in educating my children is their character formation and ensuring that the virtues, values and traditions that they are taught at home and by the family are also instilled in their learning environment. Virtues such as faith, hope, charity, courage, fortitude, restraint, compassion, prudence, and love, I believe, would not be promoted let alone practiced consistently by the faculty, administration and students at the local Catholic public school. Everything else scholastic and athletic falls second in my books.
So, while in the process of deciding on a school, I spoke to several teachers from both the private and public sectors and even to a few who taught both. During that discourse, I found a common trait in their outlook which I found particularly interesting. Apparently, the teachers who taught in the public school seem to abhor parent-teacher interviews, whereas the teachers who taught in the private school commonly welcomed it, even promoting them more frequently, both formally and an informally.

Now why would that be? When I proposed my observation to the various teachers, the general consensus was typically consistent. In the public school system, there seems to be a natural discord in the relationship between the teachers and the parents. Its “Us against Them”. The Teachers vs The Parents, “You bring you kid here and let us do our job”. While I’m sure that it’s not the rule with EVERY teacher in the public schools but it does appear to be commonly accepted mindset.
Surprisingly, amongst the teachers employed in the private schools, there seems to be generally accepted understanding that the parents are the primary educators and their role as a teacher is to support and supplement the parent’s direction and mandate. They in fact insist that the parents become involved in various matters of the school. I certainly like that idea. If I have a set of principles that I work to instill in my kids at home, I want them reinforced in the school. I like the idea of teacher and school accountability to the parents, rather than to a “faceless” board of trustees."

BY: NOEL OCOL

Sunday, September 18, 2011

The Hurt Cycle

Each of us is all too familiar with the pain caused by a loved one doing or saying something that deeply hurts us. In our practice the most common complaint we hear is “My partner’s behavior is often hurtful.”

And when we ask couples in our Dynamic Marriage/Life Partnership course which topic was the most helpful, the majority answer “The hurt cycle.” Because there is a way to deal with it!

What is the hurt cycle?

In our most intense relationship, the one involving our partner, we tend to be—not surprisingly—the most sensitive and can find ourselves caught in a cycle of hurting. Here’s how it works:

Our partner does something to us that we find hurtful, and the most common reaction is to retreat in pain. Just as we would if our hand touched a hot stove it would withdraw reflexively. We do this as a defensive measure. However, to our partner it looks as though now we’re withholding our love, which is viewed as an offensive response – which in turn makes them feel hurt! And no surprise, they typically lash back.

For example: my husband arrives home on my birthday without bringing me the flowers I expected. He asks me what’s for dinner. I feel hurt by his not acknowledging my big occasion and answer, “You can open a can of beans!” as I storm out of the room. My response comes across as cold and loveless. So now he in turn feels hurt.

After a while I realize how little the forgotten flowers matter compared to our relationship, so I approach him and try to make up. But he’s still in a snit and not ready to let go of his hurt. This in turn hurts me—again—and the cycle goes on!

There are two kinds of hurt

It’s important to understand that there are two kinds of hurt – physical and emotional. When we ask people what is more painful, the majority answer, without hesitation, that emotional hurt outweighs physical hurt.

But there’s another difference between physical and emotional hurt. When you break a leg, it hurts. There’s no getting around it, there’s no choice.
On the other hand, when someone says something to you that you find hurtful, you do have a choice as to how you’ll perceive it.

Here’s a story to explain what we mean: We were talking to an intelligent, accomplished couple who often felt hurt by remarks they made to each other. They felt they had no choice but to feel hurt. So we asked them, “Would you feel hurt if someone told you that you weren’t smart enough because you didn’t speak ancient Sanskrit?” They could then see that it was a decision, or choice, on an individual’s part as to how they perceived a particular remark. Of course the things we value most in life will put us at a greater risk of being hurt.

The choice is ours

Having said that, this intellectual understanding isn’t usually enough to erase the hurts we choose to feel. What is in our power is to decide how long we want to feel this hurt. The hurt comes up automatically and involuntarily; it’s a reflex, a knee jerk reaction, when one of our sensitive buttons is pushed.

So next time you’ll have this choice: you can stay sensitive and head down the path of the dreaded hurt cycle, or you can remind yourself that your life partner, who loves you, doesn’t deliberately want to hurt you. And that will help you nip this downward cycle in the bud!

Dr. Marty and Georgine Nash
Co-founders of Parenting Network

P.S. Click here to see all of our Fall Courses!

What participants are saying about this course:
"My husband and I took the Dynamic Life Partnership Course in the spring and we absolutely loved it!!! We regularly use the skills we learned. As facilitators, Martin and Georgine were knowledgeable, skillful, and warm." Anna Ballon

"This course provides a wonderful opportunity to take pause and reflect on your background and that of your partner to understand the dynamics at play in your marriage." Jody Wilson

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Hands-on parents will raise dependent dependents

Now that the school year has begun, a question that we'll get asked again and again, is - "How involved in my child's homework should I get?" And just in time for the first school bells to ring, this article by John Rosemond, a psychologist and family therapist, landed in my inbox. And we've awarded him the first word (unlikely the last word) on this topic.

By John Rosemond

As the new school year begins, it's time for me, once again, to make my perennial case against parental involvement in homework.

First, it is significant to note that as recently as 40 years ago, little more than a generation, the rare parent helped with homework. That would be 1971, when scholastic achievement was significantly higher than it is today. (In addition, average expenditure per pupil, in real dollars, was lower and the teacher/pupil ratio was higher at every grade, but those are future columns.) Furthermore, I believe it is more than coincidence that when parents did not render regular assistance with homework, children emancipated more successfully and much earlier than is the case today.

Second, the notion that nightly parental involvement and micro-management (although school administrators and teachers will not call it that) of homework is a good thing arose from studies done in the 1970s that found that the parents of high-achieving kids newly arrived from Vietnam and other Asian countries actively participated in homework sessions. Somehow, it got lost that this was a main means for these folks to learn English, develop basic business math skills, and accelerate their assimilation. The practice was functional in that parochial context. The mistake was to assume that what was good for one cultural group would be good for all.

There is no evidence that actual achievement is enhanced through parental involvement in homework. After all, achievement has gone down as parental involvement has gone up. Grades improve, yes, but that is because parents make sure homework is returned to school virtually without error. And they drill their kids on upcoming test material to the saturation point. And then they are known, many of them, to complain if teachers do not give the grades they think their kids deserve. By that point, it is hard to tell whose grades they are.

In the process of all this involvement, kids fail to learn basic study skills, are deprived of the inestimable benefits of trial-and-error, and become increasingly dependent on parental help as parents, now heavily invested, become increasingly anxious about grades and take them as a sign of their own competence. That is called co-dependency. Meanwhile, teachers become increasingly dependent on parents to help them teach. I know of no other professional group that expects other people to help them with their job and not be paid for it.

The upshot of all this is that many college students are doing homework with their parents over the phone and online nearly every night, and many college professors have felt the wrath of parents who do not accept the grades they feel they and their children deserve. And employers even tell me that many of today's young people cannot seem to make independent decisions without consulting -- guess who?

"What do you recommend, John?" I was recently asked, to which I replied that I recommend parents take interest in their children's homework and make themselves available for limited assistance, but that their children's homework be, well, their children's homework — a not-so-radical notion.

A mother recently told me that on the first day of this school year, her eighth-grade son came home with a note from the math teacher informing parents of their homework responsibilities, which boiled down to one word: nightly. Because she has no intention of participating in this group-think, she asked my advice.

Write the teacher back, I said, along the following lines: "My child should be fully capable of doing whatever assignments you give him independently, and I expect him to do his best. If his best is not THE best, so be it. I want him to discover, on his own, his strengths and weaknesses so that he does not go to college and waste time and money discovering that, without my help, he is not a good math student. Please know that you will always have my full support if my child's performance or behavior becomes a problem."

Over the years, I have recommended this same response to many parents.
From what I am able to gather, their kids seem to do just fine, and in many cases, better.

Your thoughts? Please weigh in!

Welcome back, and have a great term!

Warmly, Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and Founder of Parenting Network.
Click here to find out about Courses for Fall 2011! See our "Bring a Friend/Partner Special"!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Back to School Jitters?

Back to school jitters? Do you have a little one going off for the first time? Maybe your child can’t wait to get out the door and you’re the one having the “empty nest” panic attack!

No matter what the scenario in your home, the end of summer and the back-to-school routine can be stressful. Here are a few ideas to help ease the transition for everyone:
- Take any advantage of any offer to go to the school to meet the teacher and see the classroom ahead of time. Even without a formal invitation, many schools are open and often teachers are setting up classrooms and don’t mind first timers coming by for a peek.
- At the very least, walk or drive over and have a look to familiarize your child with the building, playground, correct entrance, etc.
- Try to find out the names of some of the children in the class. Give one or two of them a call, and arrange a play date at the local park. Offer to host a couple of moms and children for coffee and then everyone will see familiar faces on the big day.
- Have your child do a practice morning run – get the new backpack and sneakers ready, find the camera, set the alarm clock, decide if playtime is going to be built into the morning routine, plan some breakfast menus.
I found that the strategy of “Monday is toast and eggs day, Tuesday is bagel and fruit day, etc. worked well, at least for the first few weeks. Let your child decide which options to have on which day to increase their sense of control over the process. (You provide the options however)

As a final consolation, don’t forget that children almost always manage better once you have disappeared around the corner than when you are still within sight. They pull themselves together and can focus on the task at hand rather than concentrate on missing you. The day will be over before you know it!

Stay well!

Doone Estey,

Partner, Parenting Network

P.S. Parents are signing up for parenting school too - see our Fall classes!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

When Your Child Talks Back or Hits

Parents Ask:
I'm having a very challenging time with my 8 year old son, over bad-mouthing. He calls me dumb or says shut-up when he doesn't get what he wants. It mostly happens when he is hungry. I explained to him I understand he is upset or frustrated for a reason that I don't know, however it is not acceptable to bad mouth me or hit me.

I am not sure how to handle this. Please help.

Some suggestions:

You're understanding and empathetic response to your son is a good place to start. Another way to say it could be: "You must be pretty upset to behave this way - do you want to tell me about it?". If he still chooses to be disrespectful toward you, then it's important to show him how you feel about his choice of behavior by disengaging in a kind manner "this isn't working for me". Rather than telling him how he should behave, for two simple reasons: you don't control him, and he already knows that his behavior is not appropriate.

So instead, show him that you're in control of you and communicate your willingness to listen to him when he's ready to approach you respectfully. "I'll be in the other room and happy to listen to what's bothering you when you're ready."
Let me know how it goes!

Warmly, Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and Founder of Parenting Network.

Click here to find out about Courses for Fall 2011! Early Bird Special ends tonight!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Meltdowns over sticky hands and dirty feet...

I helped a mom with this issue today and thought I'd share it since likely there are many of you dealing with a very physically sensitive child.

Here's her situation

I'm having such a hard time with my son's behaviour and I'm starting to think it is something more than just a 2 year old tantrum. He has a melt down over his shoes (taking them on and off, crying hysterically because they don't feel right); his hands feeling "sticky" when they're totally clean (but perhaps clammy); and needing to wear only "cozy", extremely soft t-shirts.

I'm noticing it more because we're at the beach for the week and we're constantly dealing with the crocs, the wet or sandy feet, etc. These aren't power struggles (although we're definitely going through that too) - he just gets so frustrated and completely breaks down. At this point, do I take him to a psychologist or does this sound like a typical parenting a 2 year old issue to you??

From, Beached out Brenda

Brenda here are some suggestions

You're starting to see both a pattern of behaviour, and your son asserting his will! The good news here is that patterns can help you anticipate and put solutions in place so that he can look after his own needs and be less dependent on you to 'fix it'. For example, placing a bin full of water outside by the cottage door allows him to stick his feet in and get the sand off whenever he wishes. A towel could be next to it as well if wants to have them dry. He could even wash his hands off in the bin, or a facecloth placed on the edge of the sink could do the trick as well.

The key is for you to become less entangled, and to send him the message that you respect his preferences and you'll support him in finding solutions for himself.

As far as some psychological issue

Your son could have a heightened sense of touch/feel/smell and be far more aware of shirt labels on his skin, clothing too tight, seams on the insides of his socks, stiff shoes, etc. This will likely ease with time. Some specialists recommend doing a lot of body massage and rubbing different textures on his skin at a calm, fun time - helps desensitize him a bit. (ie. When playing at the beach, have him rub some sand on your legs and then on his own legs, arms, etc - and then both of you run in the water to rinse it off!)

Let me know how it goes. :)

Warmly, Beverley

P.S. Parents if you recognize your child in this, please share your solutions with Brenda!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and founder of Parenting Network.
Our Early Bird Special is on now! Courses for Fall 2011

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

“Put on your oxygen mask first before putting one on your child.”

How many times have we heard this direction when getting on a plane and not given it a second thought? The point is that we are useless to anyone else if we are not functioning properly ourselves.
Summer is a great time for kids to recharge their batteries but often parents are run ragged keeping the kids busy and happy. As we move through August, we hear more and more from parents, “I can’t wait until the kids go back to school!” Which is a bit of a contradiction, because really, why would we want summer to end? Our kids sure don't!

Often, as parents, we put our own needs on the back burner to meet the perceived needs of our children. And what children really need are well-rested, well-exercised, and well-cared for moms or dads! What we eat for breakfast, how much wine we drink, whether we're always rushed, how we manage conflict and deal with our feelings – we're always role models for our children. So it's in everyone's best interests that we attend to some of our needs and it's important our kids see us doing it!

Paying attention to our physical health is one thing; paying attention to our mental health is another. For example, practicing self-respect is just as important as watching our diet, exercise and sleep patterns.

Over the years with my own four kids in the summer, I would practise self-respect in many small ways. Not that I got the results I was hoping for all the time, but when I did it felt great!

Here are some practical examples:

"No, I'm sorry, but story time is over. It's time for me to say goodnight.”
“I’m not willing to do any more puzzles. I'm puzzled out!”
“Yes, we're having something I like for dinner for a change.”
“I’m going to take a bath now for 20 minutes. By myself.”
“I’m not willing to argue with you, it's your night to do the dishes.”
“I will drive you to the mall when the den is clean.”
“I’m going to go to my room for a while to calm down and collect my thoughts.”

Some of these approaches take patience and determination and may require ignoring bad behaviour for the moment, as many children are persistent and may try to wear us down. A calm and caring tone of voice will go a long way too!

Setting limits for ourselves is always worth it in the long run - children learn resilience, self-control and to respect Mom and Dad’s boundaries. When we show self-respect and decide what we will and will not do, we also model for our children how to behave self-respectfully. This knowledge contributes to self-confidence, healthy relationships and a strong self-esteem.

So do plan to do something “oxygenating” for you every day. You’ll be happier and so will your kids and just maybe you’ll wish summer would never end too!

Doone Estey
Partner, Parenting Network

P.S. Our Summer Early Bird Special is happening now on all of our classes! (EndsAugust 31st) visit:http://www.parentingnetwork.ca/

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Monday, July 18, 2011

Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby: How To Answer Your Kids’ Random Questions

Ok, the media has approached us for advice on many different topics, but talking to your child about sex? Not that often.

Shawna Cohen, with www.mommyish.com interviewed me and wrote this article:

“Mommy, why is your vagina black?” my little guy asked me while I was getting dressed the other week.

Huh?! Oh, right, to a 5-year-old, pubic hair is a novelty.

“Uh, well, umm, you see…” I began, not knowing what on earth I was supposed to tell him. We’re pretty open about sex in my family: we label body parts, discuss where babies come from. Even taking a shower, once considered cherished alone time, has become a free-for-all in this household.

But there I was, totally stumped. It’s never about being truthful (which I always am) or even embarrassed (which I’m not). For me, it’s a fear of revealing too much. There’s only so much a 5-year-old can absorb when it comes to sex, and so I want to be sure I get it right.

“The best approach is to answer questions as honestly and briefly as possible, both to encourage further questions and yet not to overwhelm,” Parenting Network co-founder Doone Estey tells me. “If the child asks a direct question about how the ‘seed gets inside,’ the parent can respond by asking the child what he thinks happens to get a better idea of what is actually going on in that little brain.”

Estey warns that many parents fall into the trap of giving “the sex talk” after receiving one innocent question. You’re better off wading in slowly and finding out what your kid is really after, she explains. “Asking the child what he means can be helpful.”

Of course, it’s important to always be upfront with your kids; otherwise they’ll get their information from the playground and from other kids, which might or might not be accurate. “I remember hearing one story where a child spilled the whole can of beans to an entire kindergarten class and the teacher was forced to admit that the 5-year-old girl was correct,” recalls Estey. “She then had to send a letter home to the parents explaining how the whole scene had unfolded, as she had not initiated the discussion!”

One friend of mine grew irritated by her 4-year-old constantly asking to see her breasts. “Mommy, show me your boobs!” he’d scream. She’d say no, only to have her kid come back with, “But we’re family! Family’s allowed to see each others private parts.” (He does make a compelling argument.) Estey has advice for moms who find themselves in this typical situation: “We can explain that parents do not need to show body parts to their children, but children show their parents because we take care of them (and not vice versa).” But when children express a desire for privacy or modesty, we should comply, she adds.

The bottom line is that parents need to show self-respect and set some boundaries so that children learn to do this with their own bodies, Estey says. And there’s usually no one right answer when it comes to sex ed, which should be reassuring to most moms. “The bad news,” says Estey, “is that as soon as kids reach adolescence and really need the info, they do not ask their parents anymore!”

We'd love to hear what you think! Or share your 'talking to kids about sex' story!

Doone Estey
http://www.parentingnetwork.ca/

Partner, Parenting Network

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Play-based Learning Can Lead to More Successful Kids...

Self-regulation is a hot topic in education these days. It’s somewhat hard to quantify but apparently it can be a better predictor of academic success than IQ! It’s also a side-effect of play-based learning which is now playing a key role in full-day kindergarten programs in Ontario and B.C. public schools. The goal is to raise self-motivated learners who will be more successful, healthier and happier than previous generations of kids.

This puts the “love of learning” back in the spotlight where it belongs! After generations of educators being so focused on marks and knowledge gain. The research suggests that while you can push a child to read at an early age, they’re more likely to become disinterested in reading by the age of 8 years. As Prof. Chapman, an early learning expert at the University of B.C. said, “At the end of the day if they don’t like reading and writing, and don’t want to do it unless they’re forced to; what’s the point?” If you want to read more, here’s a link to the full article I'm quoting from.

If you’re the parent of a young child you may want to follow The Globe and Mail’s “The Kindergarten Diaries” an ongoing, in-depth study of four families with kindergarten students.

Be well!
Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here to find out about Courses for Fall 2011!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Communication - A Double-Edged Sword!

Communication is a double-edged sword. It works best when you say what you want, not what you don’t want. And in 90 seconds, you’ll know how!

My friend and author, Nick Boothman, wrote in a recent blog this “Apples and Carrots” story. The simplicity of this tool struck me right away and I had to share it with you! Look for my Tips below on how to use this great tool with your kids.

“I live on a farm in a very picturesque part of the countryside. One of my neighbors raises horses. At weekends people come out from the city to enjoy the sights and sounds of nature. Sometimes, they stop and feed my neighbor’s horses.

“They’re driving me nuts,” he told me one morning. “Horses don’t eat left over hamburgers and pizza: they’re vegetarians, for heaven’s sake! They just sniff it and drop it right there. Before long it attracts flies and rats and dogs. So, I put up a sign ‘Please Do Not Feed the Horses,’ but it got worse.”

“No kidding? Now people drive by and think, ‘Oh what a great idea, let’s stop and let granny and the kids feed the horses. This guy’s polite, he says ‘please,’ he won’t mind.”

“Nick, you’ve got to help me I’m at my wit’s end.” I scribbled a few words on a scrap of paper. “Try putting this on your sign.” I didn’t see him again until the end of summer. One evening his truck pulled up in my driveway and he got out smiling. “Nick, it worked like magic.”

That was three years ago. If you drive by today you can see the sign for yourself. It simply reads, “We only eat apples and carrots.”

Moral of the story: Communication is a double-edged sword. It works best when you say what you want, not what you don’t want.”

So here are some ways to put this simple idea to work for you: (I used some fairly typical parent comments to demonstrate.)

Instead of… “Don’t jump on the couch.”
Say… “If you want to jump, let’s get some cushions for the floor so you can jump safely.”

Instead of… “I don’t like reading stories when the 2 of you are bugging each other.”
Say… “I’m willing to read the story when things settle down.”

Instead of… “Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking.”
Say… “When I’m finished talking with your sister, I’d like to hear what’s important to you.”

Instead of… “Don’t come home late again tonight!”
Say… “I’ll see you at 11:00 PM.”

Pretty easy eh? So unless it’s a life-threatening moment, take out the ‘don’t’ and find a more respectful and positive way to say what it is you do want.

Until next time, stay well!
Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network.
Click here to find out about Courses for Fall 2011!

Friday, May 20, 2011

Free Range Parenting Blog – May 20, 2011

Would you let your 9 year old go on the subway by himself? The other night I went to hear Lenore Skenazy, who is known for 35 Google pages as the “world’s worst mom” for letting her son do just that, and from Bloomingdales in downtown Manhattan, no less (a tad on the early side is my feeling).

Lenore spoke about how there are too many helicopter parents and how parents drive their kids to the bottom of the driveway so they don’t get cold waiting for the bus (in the US).

She told how one woman vehemently disagreed with her friend for asking a Mom with two children to watch her baby in the Costco checkout line for a minute. She role played a busy mom deciding that this was the day to easily acquire another baby, and then explaining to her children why she was indeed leaving Costco with a stranger’s baby instead of the Goldfish and diapers etc. they had spent an hour trying to find.

Her point was that predators are actually very rare but because of high profile cases, the media, and parenting experts, parents are much more afraid, anxious and cautious than ever before. When it was my turn to ask a question, I explained that parent educators actually try to make things easier for parents, especially in helping children develop independence and responsibility.

The talk encouraged many comments and questions on both sides of the fence.

How much independence and responsibility should your children have? When are they ready to go out and about on their own? Some tips:

1. There are no hard and fast rules as to what children should be doing at certain ages. The developmental stage and personal judgment of each child should be taken into account. Discussion with other parents, discussion with your child and your own gut feeling are all important.

2. Don’t have your child blindly jump off the deep end, so to speak. Practice crossing the street with him, have her show you where to go on the subway, see if he comes home when he said he would for a first outing before agreeing to another solo adventure.

3. While abductions by strangers are indeed exceedingly rare, other concerns are valid. Children can get lost, their stuff can be stolen, they can feel threatened or bullied. Role play different scenarios with your child, asking them what they would do in certain situations. Who would they ask for help? What would they do if approached by a stranger? Can they pay attention to their possessions and surroundings?

4. I think this one is best of all – have them take first time challenging steps with a buddy!

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Teens - Where did my sweet child go?

My husband had a grin from ear to ear this morning when he shared with me this text message from our 23 year old daughter...

Thank you so much for your help today dad... In the book I'm reading it says "As many people as there are to hold you back, there are angels whose humanity makes up for all the others." That's you Dad :)

We went through the teen years four times, and there were many, many times we wondered "Where did that sweet, juicy little girl that loved us to death go?" It can almost feel like a grief when they pull away from you. And it's with good experience and confidence that I can say "Don't worry they do come back! This too will pass."

Stay well!

Beverley

P.S. My daughter won't mind me sharing, if it can give some parent hope!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker and co-founder of Parenting Network. She also offers private consultations to parents.

See our Workshops for Spring 2011! Early Bird Specials end March 31st at midnight.

Monday, March 21, 2011

When You Need a Child's Cooperation - start with curiosity!

When I read this post by a friend, Nick Boothman, I immediatly thought what a great benefit this would be for our parents! Because getting a child interested in being cooperative or on side is one of our main difficulties. My biggest take away from this article is how to be a 'persuader'.

Sometimes getting people to move from one emotional state to an entirely different one can be difficult. For example, if you intend to move someone from indifference (“I’m busy; I’ve got a lot of other things on my mind; can’t this wait?”) to excitement (“Great idea—let’s do it!”) in one fell swoop, you may be in for a challenge.

Try linking emotional states.

Persuasively gifted people, wittingly or unwittingly, link three or four emotional states together in order to move people from one state to another. For example, instead of going directly from state A (indifference) to state D (enthusiasm), they lead them from A through states B and C to D. So rather than attempting a direct shift from indifference to enthusiasm, an experienced persuader might move them from indifference to curiosity, then to openness, before arousing their enthusiasm. This is called linking states, and it’s a powerful way to get people emotionally connected with you and your ideas.

Once you’ve decided on the states of mind to be employed, the next thing you would do is to get yourself into the first link on the chain. You won’t be convincing if you’re not congruent. The simple act of adjusting yourself into a state of curiosity will make your body language, tone of voice, and choice of words rub off on the other person. Practice rotating through the feelings of curiosity, openness, and enthusiasm over and over: ten seconds each will do.

This is the secret of the great communicators. Find an opportunity to listen to a speech that moved a nation, be it by Martin Luther King Jr., Winston Churchill, Eleanor Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy or Nelson Mandela, and identify the states they led their audiences through before rousing them to action.

Thanks Nick! I am such a believer in the power of good communications, that I made it the focus of an audio download I co-produced with friend/mom/celebrity Gill Deacon - "Cooperation at its Best - Easy Strategies That will Transform Your Family!" . We crammed it with over 60 minutes of tips and did lots of role-playing to model the type of words that get children feeling cooperative. Takes only minutes to download, and you could be practicing on your munchkins today!

Stay well!
Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. See our Workshops for Spring 2011!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

What To Do When You're Stuck

I LOVE to learn and today I hit the jackpot! I discovered a Child Psychiatrist on-line and so enjoyed her tone and suggestions that I had to share this with you. I've said much the same thing to many of you in class, but not nearly as clearly as this!

"We've all had those moments with our child when we're stuck and we don't know what to do. When our own feelings are so raw, our frustration so intense, our cup so empty, we stop caring for the moment about what our child needs and just lash out.

Then we're overcome with remorse. But in that moment, with the tidal wave of our emotions washing over us, what can we possibly do to save the situation?

No matter how ugly your child is acting, what he or she wants more than anything in the world is to reconnect with you. It may seem impossible, but if we feel the slightest glimmer of desire to turn things around, we can grab it. We don't even have to know how. We can just choose love. We can always find a way to reach out to our child and reconnect. We can always find a way to heal things, even when we're on a cycle of negativity that's gone too far.

When things have gone too far, just STOP.

1. Breathe.

2. Stop berating yourself for letting things get out of control. Hug your imperfect self.

3. Reach out for your child.

In the end, it is always about love. Love never fails."

Thank you Dr. Laura Markham for the kind and wise words!

Should you have a parenting challenge that has you stuck, please get in touch and we'll help you wrestle it to the ground.

Stay well!
Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. See our Workshops for Spring 2011! Early Bird Specials end March 31st at midnight.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

How much is your parenting really worth?

My husband just spent $200 for a course to help him take better pictures on his camera.

My sister just spent $250 for a course to help her train her dog.

So why is it parents hesitate to spend $199 for a course to help them be better parents? Got me!

Our "Raising Great Kids" course is an investment of only 12 hours of your time, yet the impact on your child will be for their lifetime.

For more info go here: Parenting I: Raising Great Kids

Already taken a parenting course? Check out this: Siblings Without Rivalry

Keep well!

Beverley

P.S. Cut out the cost of 20 grande lattes & you're halfway there!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Trouble with Bright Girls

by, Heidi Grant Halvorson, Ph.D.
Motivational psychologist and author

I meet bright young moms of bright young girls every single day in my parenting courses and private consultations, so when I read this blog by Dr. Halvorson, I had to post it for all of you!

"Successful women know only too well that in any male-dominated profession, we often find ourselves at a distinct disadvantage. We are routinely underestimated, underutilized and even underpaid. Studies show that women need to perform at extraordinarily high levels, just to appear moderately competent compared to our male coworkers.

But in my experience, smart and talented women rarely realize that one of the toughest hurdles they'll have to overcome to be successful lies within. Compared with our male colleagues, we judge our own abilities not only more harshly but fundamentally differently. Understanding why we do it is the first step to righting a terrible wrong. And to do that, we need to take a step back in time.

Chances are good that if you are a successful professional today, you were a pretty bright fifth grade girl. My graduate advisor, psychologist Carol Dweck (author of "Mindset") conducted a series of studies in the 1980s, looking at how Bright Girls and boys in the fifth grade handled new, difficult and confusing material.She found that Bright Girls, when given something to learn that was particularly foreign or complex, were quick to give up; the higher the girls' IQ, the more likely they were to throw in the towel. In fact, the straight-A girls showed the most helpless responses. Bright boys, on the other hand, saw the difficult material as a challenge, and found it energizing. They were more likely to redouble their efforts rather than give up.

Why does this happen? What makes smart girls more vulnerable and less confident when they should be the most confident kids in the room? At the 5th grade level, girls routinely outperform boys in every subject, including math and science. So there were no differences between these boys and girls in ability, nor in past history of success. The only difference was how bright boys and girls interpreted difficulty -- what it meant to them when material seemed hard to learn. Bright Girls were much quicker to doubt their ability, to lose confidence and to become less effective learners as a result.

Researchers have uncovered the reason for this difference in how difficulty is interpreted, and it is simply this: More often than not, Bright Girls believe that their abilities are innate and unchangeable, while bright boys believe that they can develop ability through effort and practice.How do girls and boys develop these different views? Most likely, it has to do with the kinds of feedback we get from parents and teachers as young children. Girls, who develop self-control earlier and are better able to follow instructions, are often praised for their "goodness." When we do well in school, we are told that we are "so smart," "so clever, " or "such a good student." This kind of praise implies that traits like smartness, cleverness and goodness are qualities you either have or you don't.

Boys, on the other hand, are a handful. Just trying to get boys to sit still and pay attention is a real challenge for any parent or teacher. As a result, boys are given a lot more feedback that emphasizes effort (e.g., "If you would just pay attention you could learn this," "If you would just try a little harder you could get it right.") The net result: When learning something new is truly difficult, girls take it as sign that they aren't "good" and "smart," and boys take it as a sign to pay attention and try harder.

We continue to carry these beliefs, often unconsciously, around with us throughout our lives. And because Bright Girls are particularly likely to see their abilities as innate and unchangeable, they grow up to be women who are far too hard on themselves -- women who will prematurely conclude that they don't have what it takes to succeed in a particular arena, and give up way too soon.Even if every external disadvantage to a woman's rising to the top of an organization is removed -- every inequality of opportunity, every chauvinistic stereotype, all the challenges we face balancing work and family -- we would still have to deal with the fact that through our mistaken beliefs about our abilities, we may be our own worst enemy.

How often have you found yourself avoiding challenges and playing it safe, sticking to goals you knew would be easy for you to reach? Are there things you decided long ago that you could never be good at? Skills you believed you would never possess? If the list is a long one, you were probably one of the Bright Girls -- and your belief that you are "stuck" being exactly as you are has done more to determine the course of your life than you probably ever imagined. This would be fine, if your abilities were innate and unchangeable. Only they're not.

No matter the ability -- whether it's intelligence, creativity, self-control, charm or athleticism -- studies show them to be profoundly malleable. When it comes to mastering any skill, your experience, effort and persistence matter a lot. So if you were a Bright Girl, it's time to toss out your (mistaken) belief about how ability works, embrace the fact that you can always improve and reclaim the confidence to tackle any challenge that you lost so long ago."

Lots of food for thought! And as a mother of 3 Bright Young Women, you can bet I'll be sharing this with them.

Warmly, Beverley
Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here for Workshops for Spring 2011. Early Bird Specials on NOW!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Difference Between Dating and Life Partnership

Everybody is acquainted with the dating scene, but when should dating stop and Life Partnership begin? Many people struggle with this question.

When we go out on a date, we start monitoring how “our dates” are measuring up. Do I accept the way they look, their values, and behaviours? Or do I find them unappealing?

We measure whether the person is 40%, 50%… or 90% acceptable. The same person can reach a 90% on one date, but only 60% on another.

As marriage counselors, our premise is that nobody will be 100% acceptable, in other words, perfect.

The greatest problem we have noticed with the couples we have worked with is that the partners keep on measuring each other even after they have gotten married.

Once we make the most important decision of choosing a Life Partner, the measuring has to stop. Instead, we can make the decision to love and accept this person 100% from now on. This does not mean that we have to accept all of their judgments or behavior 100% of the time; this would be impossible. However, our decision to continue loving and partnering with this person is never going to be in question as our love is an unconditional love, independent of behaviour.

When the inevitable conflicts arise, it is vital that these differences be solved together in the spirit of mutual respect. If a couple finds this process difficult to do at times, getting some outside guidance is an important life investment.

Your relationship with your partner can be improved and CAN last a lifetime – please read about our “Dynamic Life Partnership” Course here. And the bonus is, your whole family will benefit!

Dr. Marty and Georgine Nash
Click here to read about our Couple's Course

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Perils of Praise

When our first born came along we thought she was pretty darn smart and we praised her for just about everything she did. And for a very good reason… we thought it was our job and that her self-esteem depended on it! Her day was loaded with our evaluations - “Great tower you built!” “What a great little eater you are!” “Look at how many words you can say. You’re such a smart girl.”

By the time she was 3 years of age I noticed if things didn’t come quickly to her, she’d give up and say ‘I’m not good at this”. On top of that, we found her becoming increasingly dependent on our approval. We had the makings of a ‘praise seeking junkie’ on our hands.

I recognized the pattern - been there, done that. I too was hooked on the approval of others as a child. So I was determined that my daughter would not fall into the same trap. I discovered the fantastic option of Encouragement and began responding differently. I found it such an invaluable parenting skill that I produced “Encouragement Skills and the Perils of Praise” as part of my Audio Learning Series. It's packed with great tips and loads of alternatives to the use of Praise. If you think it's time to change gears with your child check it out!

A couple of years ago I read a great Reed and Stanford study called the Perils of Praise – How Not to Talk to Your Child by Psychologist Carol Dweck. They looked at the effect of praise on 400 fifth-graders in a dozen New York schools. It was pretty exciting to finally have some science to support what most of us in my field already believed - that certain Praise is detrimental.

Here are some key highlights from that study:

Some children were praised for their intelligence. “You must be smart at this.”
Other students were praised for their effort: “You must have worked really hard.”

Of those praised for their effort (I call this encouragement), 90% chose the harder set of puzzles in a non-verbal IQ test. They got very involved, willing to try every solution. They significantly improved.

Of those praised for their intelligence, a majority chose the easier tasks. The “smart” kids took the cop-out. They quit more easily and looked for more feedback from the instructors.

Dr. Robert Cloninger explained, a person that grows up getting too frequent rewards will not have persistence, because they’ll quit when the rewards disappear. “The brain has to learn that frustrating spells can be worked through.”

When we praise children for their intelligence, they get this message:
· Look smart, don’t risk making mistakes – avoid the risk of being embarrassed.
· Failure is evidence that they weren’t really smart after all.
The over-praised kids also demonstrated these behaviours:
· They begin to discount the importance of effort. I am smart, the kids’ reasoning goes; I don’t need to put out effort.
· Image maintenance becomes their primary concern – they’re more competitive and more interested in tearing others down.
· Students turn to cheating because they haven’t developed a strategy for handling failure.
· Shorter task persistence, more eye-checking with the teacher and inflected speech so that answers had the intonation of questions.

I’ll leave you with my favourite quote from the study:
“Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child’s control.”

I'd love to hear YOUR story. Did you grow up with Praise? Are you driven to get the approval of others? Are you handling your own child differently?

Warmly, Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here for Workshops for Spring 2011!

Friday, January 28, 2011

Many Kinds of Smart - Understanding your child's learning style

The first job of a growing child, is to figure out how the world works and how they fit into it. As a parent four times over, it became very clear to me that each of my children had their own unique way of going about this task. My eldest daughter was very verbal and she understood her world best by talking about what she was learning - with us, her stuffed animals, or Grandma over the phone! While my son was fascinated with how things physically worked. From age 2 years he lived to build structures with his duplo or lego. His stories were always best told by drawing or through picture books. It was no surprise to us when he chose to study Community Design at university.

The educational system is getting much better at recognizing a child's learning style and providing stimulating approaches to address each. In your child's classroom, you should be able to see the use of poetry, song, fingerplays or drama to engage every learner. That sitting still at a desk is now only part of their day. The teacher may bring in objects from the natural world, take the children out on a neighbourhood walk or he may provide charts as well as books to make information clearer. The goal is that there be a good balance.

In these early years of school, your child will very quickly start to compare themselves to their classmates. For example, my son was very aware that he struggled to remember the sounds that each letter of the alphabet made while others seemed to pick it up easily. To avoid him becoming discouraged, we shared with him how people learn in different ways: he has to work hard to remember the sounds that letters make, but look how effortlessly he sees the letter patterns of words! Understanding your child's learning style is a great help as they approach new challenges in their lives.

To learn more about learning styles please check out this article in Today's Parent magazine... Many Kinds of Smart.

All the best!
Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here for Workshops for Winter 2011!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Worrying about household chores can be tough on the ticker!

This isn't surprising to Moms...

A recent report in the Daily Telegraph has suggested that looking after your home is more stressful than being at work... I can believe that!

Research carried out by scientists in the U.S. has shown that worrying about household chores such as cleaning, getting the car serviced and paying the bills may be even worse for your heart.

Over 100 working men and women were tested and it was found that those who took on most of the responsibility for running the home had significantly higher blood pressure than those who left it to their partners. The findings, published in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine, suggest it’s not the workload itself but the stress about how to cope with it that causes the damage. Interestingly, having to look after children or pets had no adverse effect on blood pressure!

Certainly something to think about... is housework really worth the heartache? Literally!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here for Workshops for Winter 2011!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Is submissive and obedient the goal you have for your child?

Just in case you haven't heard enough about Confessions of a Tiger Mom. :)

Generally when we ask parents what life-skills or qualities they would like their children to have when they grow up “responsible, independent, and happy” would be at the top of their list. Creativity and thinking outside the box are also highly valued characteristics in our society. Submissive, obedient, and being the best in the class, never make the list.

So, if these are our goals, we must parent accordingly, giving our children opportunities to think for themselves, to make choices and to make mistakes. Time management, emotional intelligence, teamwork and leadership are all indispensable skills and basically the foundations are laid in childhood.

All parents want their children to be the best they can be, but parents must weigh the cost of success. If children are successful but not happy, what’s the point? If a child is a star athlete but he is miserable, is it worth it?

Parenting through the ages has evolved and changed, but the importance of respect has always been a vital ingredient. Respect from another cannot be forced or mandated or won through the use of fear. Yelling, “I’m your parent! I deserve some respect!” is not the solution. Respect is cultivated and earned through relationship building. Modeling self-respect and respect for others is much more effective. The use of guilt, shame and humiliation are disrespectful approaches in any relationship in today’s Western society.

While receiving praise and admiration can build confidence it doesn’t build true self-esteem. True self-esteem is based on how people estimate themselves even when they fail, make a mistake or lose. It is not based on what other people think of you, not even your parents. Self-esteem based on one’s performance or grades is doomed to be as good as your last performance.

Should the Canada Junior hockey team be suffering from lowered self-esteem after one bad period? I hope not. While they are surely disappointed, a more constructive attitude would be “let’s learn and grow from this and give it our best again next time”.

Most parents are doing the best job they can raising their children. Evaluating all the tools at their disposal and their relative merits is always a good exercise.

Doone Estey and Beverley Cathcart-Ross
Parenting Network
www.parentingnetwork.cadoone@parentingnetwork.ca

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Tiger Mom

Wow… Tiger Mom has really caused a rumble in the jungle! I decided it was time to weigh in. So I called my mentor – Dr. Marty Nash and we hammered out a response to the approach presented by Amy Chua in interviews around her newly released book “Confessions of a Tiger Mom”. Which I won’t be adding to my parenting book shelf!

Some parents like Ms. Chua use a strict dictatorial “my way or the highway” style, while others use a more coddling and protective style. Each will experience either excellent or poor results. So it’s not just about parenting style.

In any social interaction there is a transmitter and receiver. What's key is the child's interpretation. Some children can interpret that they're loved even though they are pushed, dominated, and shamed to succeed and win.

However in a more developed, egalitarian society the child can easily interpret domination and shame as meaning they’re inadequate, not good enough. It’s also easy for children to equate worthiness with their performance. The associated hurt feelings of these beliefs can lead to emotional distress and possible mental health issues. A major challenge in society today.

All of us parents have an inborn and primal motivation to love and protect our children, and see them succeed in life. Children also have the inborn motivation to be loved, accepted, and protected by their parent. Many parents see it as their responsibility to exploit the child’s need for their love and approval, using the motivational system of reward and punishment to achieve their goals.

Many of the tools of reward are approval, closeness, praise, material goods and privileges. The tools of punishment are disapproval, distance, shame, humiliation, guilt, and loss of privileges, etc. And then add to this cocktail a shot of Fear - the major emotion fueling this autocratic system. Fear of failure, fear of losing, fear of shame or loss of face, fear of disapproval, etc. This leads to an uncomfortable and stressful situation for the child and for their social environment.

In the Western world, we have moved toward a more democratic, collaborative system in the way in which we relate to one another. We feel the same accomplishments can be achieved without the underlying fear of performance, acceptability and shame. While the end result of effort is still important, we want to value the creative process of the love of learning and social contribution.

So I thank Amy for writing this book – it’s a good reminder of how far we’ve come!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross and Dr. Marty Nash

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Dr. Marty Nash is a practicing Family Therapist in Toronto. Click here for Workshops for Winter 2010/11!

Monday, January 10, 2011

When Parents Disagree

When Parents Disagree

By Doone Estey

Lindsay: Oh, I forgot to tell you. I’m getting a ride to Ryan’s party from Kate.

Dad: Ryan’s party?

Lindsay: Yeah, on Saturday. Oh, and her curfew is midnight and she said she’ll bring me home a few minutes before.

Dad: Your curfew is 11 o’clock, honey.

Lindsay: But everyone is staying until 12 – and I’ve been really good about coming home on time.

Mom: That’s true, Mike. Maybe just this once…

Dad: No! We have rules in this house. I don’t care about what everyone else is doing. A curfew is a curfew.

Sound familiar? Any parent of a teen can imagine where this is going. Being parents is always a matter of negotiation – progressing very quickly from disagreeing over nap times to implementing curfews.

Here are some tips to help parents work together.

Embrace differences. Couples often have different opinions about important aspects of their life together, such as how to spend money, or where to vacation. Why should raising children be any different? Every parent brings his own emotional baggage from his childhood to his parenting style. Thus, it is critical for parents to appreciate from the very beginning that they will often find themselves agreeing to disagree.

Compromise is king. The important thing for parents is to recognize that differing approaches deserve equal consideration. When a disagreement arises, before things get too heated, parents should try to have a healthy discussion. They should listen to each other’s perspectives, acknowledge the other’s point of view -- and reach an agreement that is acceptable to both. Remember – it’s not about winning, it’s about resolving the matter in a way that makes sense to both parents and, hopefully, to the child as well.

Rules have exceptions. One benefit of two parental perspectives is that children learn that not all situations are resolved in the same way. When parents agree on a consistent plan (“Absolutely NO getting in the car with someone who has been drinking!”) it is easy for them to implement it. However, there should also be room for sometimes compromises. For example, “You can go to the party this time provided you check in with us” means that children learn that the rules are steadfast in some situations and malleable in others. This gives them the benefit of more freedoms than if they had two strict parents -- and more limits than if they had two permissive parents.

Learn from each other. Sometimes one parent is interested in trying new approaches to parenting, whether learned from a friend, a book or a class. If the other parent is resistant, all is not lost. Children will notice the changes in the one parent’s approach and will respond accordingly. When the other parent observes the positive response, they will likely begin to try the new skill at their own pace.

Should parents present a ‘united front’? This is a great idea in theory, but practically speaking, children know from a very young age who to go to for more allowance, help with their homework, someone to make them a snack or permission to do anything fun.
A more effective approach might be to have an open discussion with the child, with input from all 3 parties and everybody’s reasons for their points of view all out on the table. The key here is to be respectful to each other and to be ready to compromise.

Modeling respectful conflict skills is one of the most important gifts parents can give their children. After all, how will children ever learn to deal with conflict in an emotionally mature way if it always takes place behind closed doors? Seeing practical examples of how to resolve conflicts is essential to children’s healthy development. Even when there is a good parent/bad parent scenario, if parents explain their rationale, children will see that both mom and dad have their best interests at heart.

So in our alternative scenario, Dad and Mom sit down with Lindsay and explain their concerns -- and a compromise is reached.

Dad: I suppose that if you promise to check in around 11, don’t go to anyone else’s house and come home with Kate, it would be okay.

Mom: And you know we’re here to pick you up if you need us. The main thing is your safety so we hope you will always be honest with us.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Good Morning Routine

In a perfect world, everyone would be a morning person, up at the crack of dawn, cheery and ready to face the day with their workbags packed and teeth sparkling. But the reality for most families is that mornings are a scramble.

Do you almost lose your mind and voice each morning as you coax, remind and even threaten your kids? The stress can escalate all too quickly and leave a pallor on the rest of the day.

So what can we do to bring more peace and harmony to the mornings? Well, this is going to sound counterintuitive, but you have to give your kids more responsibility and let go of some of your own fears. The fact is, by pestering them, packing their bags and lining up their shoes, you are encouraging them to be dependent on you. So let yourself off the hook (and remember: if they are late, it is not a reflection on you).

An important goal of parenting is to encourage children towards independence. And the younger you start, the better! The more your children can do for themselves and for the family, the more confidence they will have. A good mantra for parents to repeat while making changes is ‘Love, Respect, and Faith’. Love doesn’t mean doing everything for your kids—it means letting go! Respect allows for them to make choices and to experience failure such as forgetting their homework, wearing the wrong shoes or being late. Think of these failures as opportunities to learn. And yes, have faith. They will learn.

Here’s a tried-and-true idea to get you started:

Have a family get-together to discuss the morning routine. Even a child as young as 2 1/2 can participate in creating a routine. When children have a say in creating the routine, they are much more likely to follow it. Make your meeting fun and brief, and remember a special snack can win almost anyone over!

Create a list of the jobs to be done in the morning. For instance, your child’s job is to dress themselves, and organize their pack. Your job is to dress yourself, to prepare breakfast and to call them when it’s ready. (Once only, not every 5 minutes!) With younger children it may be helpful to create a job chart with words and photos of them brushing their teeth, getting dressed and eating their breakfast.

Important tip: include a cuddle with a parent as the first thing they do in the morning. Children that feel cared about are far less likely to act out.

I’m going to go out on a limb, and predict that the first routine you make will not work perfectly. You may even curse the attempt. So agree to try the new routine for a few days only, with a plan to revisit it. Then celebrate what worked and tweak what didn’t! And feel free to comment here on your morning successes, failures and suggestions.

Good luck and we’re here to help if you could use a bit more parenting support and guidance. A great place to start is to check out our selection of Winter Classes at parentingnetwork.ca!

Stay well!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross