Is submissive and obedient the goal you have for your child?

Just in case you haven't heard enough about Confessions of a Tiger Mom. :)

Generally when we ask parents what life-skills or qualities they would like their children to have when they grow up “responsible, independent, and happy” would be at the top of their list. Creativity and thinking outside the box are also highly valued characteristics in our society. Submissive, obedient, and being the best in the class, never make the list.

So, if these are our goals, we must parent accordingly, giving our children opportunities to think for themselves, to make choices and to make mistakes. Time management, emotional intelligence, teamwork and leadership are all indispensable skills and basically the foundations are laid in childhood.

All parents want their children to be the best they can be, but parents must weigh the cost of success. If children are successful but not happy, what’s the point? If a child is a star athlete but he is miserable, is it worth it?

Parenting through the ages has evolved and changed, but the importance of respect has always been a vital ingredient. Respect from another cannot be forced or mandated or won through the use of fear. Yelling, “I’m your parent! I deserve some respect!” is not the solution. Respect is cultivated and earned through relationship building. Modeling self-respect and respect for others is much more effective. The use of guilt, shame and humiliation are disrespectful approaches in any relationship in today’s Western society.

While receiving praise and admiration can build confidence it doesn’t build true self-esteem. True self-esteem is based on how people estimate themselves even when they fail, make a mistake or lose. It is not based on what other people think of you, not even your parents. Self-esteem based on one’s performance or grades is doomed to be as good as your last performance.

Should the Canada Junior hockey team be suffering from lowered self-esteem after one bad period? I hope not. While they are surely disappointed, a more constructive attitude would be “let’s learn and grow from this and give it our best again next time”.

Most parents are doing the best job they can raising their children. Evaluating all the tools at their disposal and their relative merits is always a good exercise.

Doone Estey and Beverley Cathcart-Ross
Parenting Network
www.parentingnetwork.cadoone@parentingnetwork.ca

Tiger Mom

Wow… Tiger Mom has really caused a rumble in the jungle! I decided it was time to weigh in. So I called my mentor – Dr. Marty Nash and we hammered out a response to the approach presented by Amy Chua in interviews around her newly released book “Confessions of a Tiger Mom”. Which I won’t be adding to my parenting book shelf!

Some parents like Ms. Chua use a strict dictatorial “my way or the highway” style, while others use a more coddling and protective style. Each will experience either excellent or poor results. So it’s not just about parenting style.

In any social interaction there is a transmitter and receiver. What's key is the child's interpretation. Some children can interpret that they're loved even though they are pushed, dominated, and shamed to succeed and win.

However in a more developed, egalitarian society the child can easily interpret domination and shame as meaning they’re inadequate, not good enough. It’s also easy for children to equate worthiness with their performance. The associated hurt feelings of these beliefs can lead to emotional distress and possible mental health issues. A major challenge in society today.

All of us parents have an inborn and primal motivation to love and protect our children, and see them succeed in life. Children also have the inborn motivation to be loved, accepted, and protected by their parent. Many parents see it as their responsibility to exploit the child’s need for their love and approval, using the motivational system of reward and punishment to achieve their goals.

Many of the tools of reward are approval, closeness, praise, material goods and privileges. The tools of punishment are disapproval, distance, shame, humiliation, guilt, and loss of privileges, etc. And then add to this cocktail a shot of Fear - the major emotion fueling this autocratic system. Fear of failure, fear of losing, fear of shame or loss of face, fear of disapproval, etc. This leads to an uncomfortable and stressful situation for the child and for their social environment.

In the Western world, we have moved toward a more democratic, collaborative system in the way in which we relate to one another. We feel the same accomplishments can be achieved without the underlying fear of performance, acceptability and shame. While the end result of effort is still important, we want to value the creative process of the love of learning and social contribution.

So I thank Amy for writing this book – it’s a good reminder of how far we’ve come!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross and Dr. Marty Nash

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Dr. Marty Nash is a practicing Family Therapist in Toronto. Click here for Workshops for Winter 2010/11!