"I hate my brother!"

Want your kids to stop fighting? Wish they acted more kindly towards one another? Maybe you even dream about them being best friends when they grow up? Well, if what you’re doing now isn’t working – it’s time for a change. 

While sibling rivalry is very common in families, much of it can be avoided. One big contributor to the problem is something most parents do, too often - deny their children’s feelings. 

We think we’re being helpful when we say things like:

• “Don’t say you hate Mike, he’s your brother - you love him.”

• “We don’t use that word in this house. It’s not nice.”

• “That’s no way to talk to Lauren! You’re lucky you have a sister.”

There are 2 Key Principles to creating the close, cooperative relationships we so dearly want between our children.

Principle #1: Stop denying a child’s feelings. Instead, acknowledge their feelings, empathize and explore alternative actions.

• “I understand that you’re upset that Mike knocked down your blocks. Instead of hitting, how could you let him know this?”

• “You must be pretty upset to talk about your brother like that. Do you want to tell me about it?”

• “I see you’re mad that your sister got your shirt dirty – let’s see how she can help fix this.”

Remember that all feelings are okay – just not all actions!

While our intentions may be good... expecting a child to show warm, fuzzy feelings when they’re not feeling that way can lead to resentment and further retaliations.

Validating your child’s feelings lets them know they are understood, accepted, and unconditionally loved. This can have a calming effect, and make them more ready to listen. Exploring alternative actions gives them a tool they can use for the next time. (More on this in our next posting!)

To get a handle on this, and other family challenges, join one of our popular Parenting Courses. Learn strategies and tools for all of those parenting moments. Your money back if it doesn’t change your life!

All the best,

Beverley & Doone

P.S. Watch for Principle #2 in our next posting – just in time to get you prepped for March Break!

When nothing but a Consequence will do

Okay, you've done your best to problem-solve an issue with your child and the agreed upon solutions are still not being respected. It may be time for what is commonly called a consequence. We call it the Logical Next Step.

The “3R Rule” for a Logical Next Step

Whenever we feel the need to follow through on a behavior with a Logical Next Step it needs to pass this litmus test: The 3R Rule –Reasonable, Respectful, and Related.

1. Be Reasonable

Going home when a child is acting up in a restaurant is a reasonable solution. Telling the child they won’t ever come to a restaurant with you again would be unreasonable.

2. Be Respectful

Your tone should show respect for your child. Instead of, “I am fed up. You are going home right now!” you can say, “This isn’t working today, so we need to leave.”

 

Dreikurs, a renowned psychologist, put it this way: If Logical Consequences are used as a threat or imposed in anger, they cease being consequences and become punishments. Children are quick to discern the difference. They respond positively to Logical Consequences; they fight back when punished.

3. Relate the Step to the Behavior

A Logical Next Step must be related to the behavior. Leaving the restaurant passed this test. If you say to one child, “If you hit your sister, you won’t have dessert,” it doesn’t follow. If your child talks back at the dinner table and you say, “No TV tonight,” it won’t make sense. He’ll only resent you for it and feel the need to retaliate.

When used properly, a Logical Next Step is a very effective way to respond to a child’s negative behavior. Children do recognize when they are given chances and when they choose to disregard our efforts, they do see the fairness and they will come around.

More examples with solutions…

Situation: Curfew - You and your 14 year old have problem-solved about their being late for curfew and they’re still not respecting a mutually agreed upon time

Logical Next Step: They take a break from going out the following weekend. That doesn’t mean they can’t have a friend over – it just means until they are ready to respect the time agreed to they’ll stay in. This is 100% related to the problem. Your tone of voice and choice of words will determine if you implemented the decision in a respectful manner.

Situation: Table manners or difficult behaviour at mealtime

Logical Next Step: If your child is over the age of 4 years he is fully aware of the behavior you feel is appropriate at the table, so a lecture is a waste of energy.

Recognizing that you only control yourself and that you also wish to model respectful approaches when it comes to dealing with a conflict, then you could: with a calm and caring voice, ask the child if there is something bothering them, or would they like to take a break from the table?

If they refuse the peace offering and continue to act up, you go to Plan B.

Plan B - Take action. You pick up your plate and say “This isn’t working for me tonight; I think I’ll finish my meal in the other room.”  If your child says “I’ll stop. Please stay.” you can thank them for their cooperation and settle back down. But be prepared for it to ramp up again and this time leave calmly for good, saying “We can try again tomorrow night.”

Some kids will get worse when a parent takes control of themselves – this is a good sign. Honest! They are struggling to get you back in the ring where they have more power. Resist the urge and stay the course.

You leaving the table feels completely counter-intuitive I know, but it WORKS!

The message you want to send is “I care about you and I care about me. I can’t make you stop but I can determine how I wish to spend my time.”

Parents that follow through generally find that it only takes 2 or 3 tries and their child gets the message. Our children truly do want to be close to us and that works in our favor!

P.S. If children are badgered over manners or homework plans, every dinner, they may be thrilled to see the back of us! So it is important to invest in making meal time a pleasure.

Next month we’ll be sharing thoughts on Setting Limits!

All the best,

Beverley & Doone

P.S. If you missed our Tips for Problem-solving go here.