"I hate my brother!"

Want your kids to stop fighting? Wish they acted more kindly towards one another? Maybe you even dream about them being best friends when they grow up? Well, if what you’re doing now isn’t working – it’s time for a change. 

While sibling rivalry is very common in families, much of it can be avoided. One big contributor to the problem is something most parents do, too often - deny their children’s feelings. 

We think we’re being helpful when we say things like:

• “Don’t say you hate Mike, he’s your brother - you love him.”

• “We don’t use that word in this house. It’s not nice.”

• “That’s no way to talk to Lauren! You’re lucky you have a sister.”

There are 2 Key Principles to creating the close, cooperative relationships we so dearly want between our children.

Principle #1: Stop denying a child’s feelings. Instead, acknowledge their feelings, empathize and explore alternative actions.

• “I understand that you’re upset that Mike knocked down your blocks. Instead of hitting, how could you let him know this?”

• “You must be pretty upset to talk about your brother like that. Do you want to tell me about it?”

• “I see you’re mad that your sister got your shirt dirty – let’s see how she can help fix this.”

Remember that all feelings are okay – just not all actions!

While our intentions may be good... expecting a child to show warm, fuzzy feelings when they’re not feeling that way can lead to resentment and further retaliations.

Validating your child’s feelings lets them know they are understood, accepted, and unconditionally loved. This can have a calming effect, and make them more ready to listen. Exploring alternative actions gives them a tool they can use for the next time. (More on this in our next posting!)

To get a handle on this, and other family challenges, join one of our popular Parenting Courses. Learn strategies and tools for all of those parenting moments. Your money back if it doesn’t change your life!

All the best,

Beverley & Doone

P.S. Watch for Principle #2 in our next posting – just in time to get you prepped for March Break!

Getting Kids to Listen

“I’m going to write a blog on getting kids to listen” I told my kids.
“What?” My son said.
“I’m going to write...”
“That was a joke, Mom...”

The thing is, kids do listen and they do hear us. But they don’t always do what we ask, which is really the most important part of the listening, as far as we’re concerned.

You only have to say once where the cookies are and bang, they’ve got it. But try to get them out of the bath or into bed or to clean up the toys? Forget it. Kids don’t like to be told what to do any more than we do, which is why ordering them around often doesn’t end well.

To get kids to listen, sometimes all we have to do is a better job of asking. Our tone, our manner, our words, our volume and our timing are all key to increasing cooperation:

• Get down to their level, get their attention, say their name
• Look them in the eye, touch their shoulder
• Wait until they are fully focused, not distracted
• Say it with one word, say please – “Toys now please!”
• Say it calmly and quietly – even if you have to repeat yourself - but only once
• Respect what they are doing, give a transition warning – “Bath time in 5 minutes”
• Ask for their cooperation - “Johnny, I need some help with the toys, ok?”
• Say what you will do -“I’m starting story time, are you ready?”
• Give a small choice – “Do you want to brush your teeth before or after bath?”
• Write a list, or a picture list, with the routine on it – toys, teeth, bath, story, bed, hugs.

Hope their ears perk up!
Doone Estey
For more listening and cooperation tips, please consider one of our parenting courses – satisfaction guaranteed or your money back. www.parentingnetwork.ca