Parenting Network: August 2011

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

When Your Child Talks Back or Hits

Parents Ask:
I'm having a very challenging time with my 8 year old son, over bad-mouthing. He calls me dumb or says shut-up when he doesn't get what he wants. It mostly happens when he is hungry. I explained to him I understand he is upset or frustrated for a reason that I don't know, however it is not acceptable to bad mouth me or hit me.

I am not sure how to handle this. Please help.

Some suggestions:

You're understanding and empathetic response to your son is a good place to start. Another way to say it could be: "You must be pretty upset to behave this way - do you want to tell me about it?". If he still chooses to be disrespectful toward you, then it's important to show him how you feel about his choice of behavior by disengaging in a kind manner "this isn't working for me". Rather than telling him how he should behave, for two simple reasons: you don't control him, and he already knows that his behavior is not appropriate.

So instead, show him that you're in control of you and communicate your willingness to listen to him when he's ready to approach you respectfully. "I'll be in the other room and happy to listen to what's bothering you when you're ready."
Let me know how it goes!

Warmly, Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and Founder of Parenting Network.

Click here to find out about Courses for Fall 2011! Early Bird Special ends tonight!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Meltdowns over sticky hands and dirty feet...

I helped a mom with this issue today and thought I'd share it since likely there are many of you dealing with a very physically sensitive child.

Here's her situation

I'm having such a hard time with my son's behaviour and I'm starting to think it is something more than just a 2 year old tantrum. He has a melt down over his shoes (taking them on and off, crying hysterically because they don't feel right); his hands feeling "sticky" when they're totally clean (but perhaps clammy); and needing to wear only "cozy", extremely soft t-shirts.

I'm noticing it more because we're at the beach for the week and we're constantly dealing with the crocs, the wet or sandy feet, etc. These aren't power struggles (although we're definitely going through that too) - he just gets so frustrated and completely breaks down. At this point, do I take him to a psychologist or does this sound like a typical parenting a 2 year old issue to you??

From, Beached out Brenda

Brenda here are some suggestions

You're starting to see both a pattern of behaviour, and your son asserting his will! The good news here is that patterns can help you anticipate and put solutions in place so that he can look after his own needs and be less dependent on you to 'fix it'. For example, placing a bin full of water outside by the cottage door allows him to stick his feet in and get the sand off whenever he wishes. A towel could be next to it as well if wants to have them dry. He could even wash his hands off in the bin, or a facecloth placed on the edge of the sink could do the trick as well.

The key is for you to become less entangled, and to send him the message that you respect his preferences and you'll support him in finding solutions for himself.

As far as some psychological issue

Your son could have a heightened sense of touch/feel/smell and be far more aware of shirt labels on his skin, clothing too tight, seams on the insides of his socks, stiff shoes, etc. This will likely ease with time. Some specialists recommend doing a lot of body massage and rubbing different textures on his skin at a calm, fun time - helps desensitize him a bit. (ie. When playing at the beach, have him rub some sand on your legs and then on his own legs, arms, etc - and then both of you run in the water to rinse it off!)

Let me know how it goes. :)

Warmly, Beverley

P.S. Parents if you recognize your child in this, please share your solutions with Brenda!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and founder of Parenting Network.
Our Early Bird Special is on now! Courses for Fall 2011

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

“Put on your oxygen mask first before putting one on your child.”

How many times have we heard this direction when getting on a plane and not given it a second thought? The point is that we are useless to anyone else if we are not functioning properly ourselves.
Summer is a great time for kids to recharge their batteries but often parents are run ragged keeping the kids busy and happy. As we move through August, we hear more and more from parents, “I can’t wait until the kids go back to school!” Which is a bit of a contradiction, because really, why would we want summer to end? Our kids sure don't!

Often, as parents, we put our own needs on the back burner to meet the perceived needs of our children. And what children really need are well-rested, well-exercised, and well-cared for moms or dads! What we eat for breakfast, how much wine we drink, whether we're always rushed, how we manage conflict and deal with our feelings – we're always role models for our children. So it's in everyone's best interests that we attend to some of our needs and it's important our kids see us doing it!

Paying attention to our physical health is one thing; paying attention to our mental health is another. For example, practicing self-respect is just as important as watching our diet, exercise and sleep patterns.

Over the years with my own four kids in the summer, I would practise self-respect in many small ways. Not that I got the results I was hoping for all the time, but when I did it felt great!

Here are some practical examples:

"No, I'm sorry, but story time is over. It's time for me to say goodnight.”
“I’m not willing to do any more puzzles. I'm puzzled out!”
“Yes, we're having something I like for dinner for a change.”
“I’m going to take a bath now for 20 minutes. By myself.”
“I’m not willing to argue with you, it's your night to do the dishes.”
“I will drive you to the mall when the den is clean.”
“I’m going to go to my room for a while to calm down and collect my thoughts.”

Some of these approaches take patience and determination and may require ignoring bad behaviour for the moment, as many children are persistent and may try to wear us down. A calm and caring tone of voice will go a long way too!

Setting limits for ourselves is always worth it in the long run - children learn resilience, self-control and to respect Mom and Dad’s boundaries. When we show self-respect and decide what we will and will not do, we also model for our children how to behave self-respectfully. This knowledge contributes to self-confidence, healthy relationships and a strong self-esteem.

So do plan to do something “oxygenating” for you every day. You’ll be happier and so will your kids and just maybe you’ll wish summer would never end too!

Doone Estey
Partner, Parenting Network

P.S. Our Summer Early Bird Special is happening now on all of our classes! (EndsAugust 31st) visit:http://www.parentingnetwork.ca/

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