Many Kinds of Smart - Understanding your child's learning style

The first job of a growing child, is to figure out how the world works and how they fit into it. As a parent four times over, it became very clear to me that each of my children had their own unique way of going about this task. My eldest daughter was very verbal and she understood her world best by talking about what she was learning - with us, her stuffed animals, or Grandma over the phone! While my son was fascinated with how things physically worked. From age 2 years he lived to build structures with his duplo or lego. His stories were always best told by drawing or through picture books. It was no surprise to us when he chose to study Community Design at university.

The educational system is getting much better at recognizing a child's learning style and providing stimulating approaches to address each. In your child's classroom, you should be able to see the use of poetry, song, fingerplays or drama to engage every learner. That sitting still at a desk is now only part of their day. The teacher may bring in objects from the natural world, take the children out on a neighbourhood walk or he may provide charts as well as books to make information clearer. The goal is that there be a good balance.

In these early years of school, your child will very quickly start to compare themselves to their classmates. For example, my son was very aware that he struggled to remember the sounds that each letter of the alphabet made while others seemed to pick it up easily. To avoid him becoming discouraged, we shared with him how people learn in different ways: he has to work hard to remember the sounds that letters make, but look how effortlessly he sees the letter patterns of words! Understanding your child's learning style is a great help as they approach new challenges in their lives.

To learn more about learning styles please check out this article in Today's Parent magazine... Many Kinds of Smart.

All the best!
Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here for Workshops for Winter 2011!

Worrying about household chores can be tough on the ticker!

This isn't surprising to Moms...

A recent report in the Daily Telegraph has suggested that looking after your home is more stressful than being at work... I can believe that!

Research carried out by scientists in the U.S. has shown that worrying about household chores such as cleaning, getting the car serviced and paying the bills may be even worse for your heart.

Over 100 working men and women were tested and it was found that those who took on most of the responsibility for running the home had significantly higher blood pressure than those who left it to their partners. The findings, published in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine, suggest it’s not the workload itself but the stress about how to cope with it that causes the damage. Interestingly, having to look after children or pets had no adverse effect on blood pressure!

Certainly something to think about... is housework really worth the heartache? Literally!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here for Workshops for Winter 2011!

Is submissive and obedient the goal you have for your child?

Just in case you haven't heard enough about Confessions of a Tiger Mom. :)

Generally when we ask parents what life-skills or qualities they would like their children to have when they grow up “responsible, independent, and happy” would be at the top of their list. Creativity and thinking outside the box are also highly valued characteristics in our society. Submissive, obedient, and being the best in the class, never make the list.

So, if these are our goals, we must parent accordingly, giving our children opportunities to think for themselves, to make choices and to make mistakes. Time management, emotional intelligence, teamwork and leadership are all indispensable skills and basically the foundations are laid in childhood.

All parents want their children to be the best they can be, but parents must weigh the cost of success. If children are successful but not happy, what’s the point? If a child is a star athlete but he is miserable, is it worth it?

Parenting through the ages has evolved and changed, but the importance of respect has always been a vital ingredient. Respect from another cannot be forced or mandated or won through the use of fear. Yelling, “I’m your parent! I deserve some respect!” is not the solution. Respect is cultivated and earned through relationship building. Modeling self-respect and respect for others is much more effective. The use of guilt, shame and humiliation are disrespectful approaches in any relationship in today’s Western society.

While receiving praise and admiration can build confidence it doesn’t build true self-esteem. True self-esteem is based on how people estimate themselves even when they fail, make a mistake or lose. It is not based on what other people think of you, not even your parents. Self-esteem based on one’s performance or grades is doomed to be as good as your last performance.

Should the Canada Junior hockey team be suffering from lowered self-esteem after one bad period? I hope not. While they are surely disappointed, a more constructive attitude would be “let’s learn and grow from this and give it our best again next time”.

Most parents are doing the best job they can raising their children. Evaluating all the tools at their disposal and their relative merits is always a good exercise.

Doone Estey and Beverley Cathcart-Ross
Parenting Network
www.parentingnetwork.cadoone@parentingnetwork.ca

Tiger Mom

Wow… Tiger Mom has really caused a rumble in the jungle! I decided it was time to weigh in. So I called my mentor – Dr. Marty Nash and we hammered out a response to the approach presented by Amy Chua in interviews around her newly released book “Confessions of a Tiger Mom”. Which I won’t be adding to my parenting book shelf!

Some parents like Ms. Chua use a strict dictatorial “my way or the highway” style, while others use a more coddling and protective style. Each will experience either excellent or poor results. So it’s not just about parenting style.

In any social interaction there is a transmitter and receiver. What's key is the child's interpretation. Some children can interpret that they're loved even though they are pushed, dominated, and shamed to succeed and win.

However in a more developed, egalitarian society the child can easily interpret domination and shame as meaning they’re inadequate, not good enough. It’s also easy for children to equate worthiness with their performance. The associated hurt feelings of these beliefs can lead to emotional distress and possible mental health issues. A major challenge in society today.

All of us parents have an inborn and primal motivation to love and protect our children, and see them succeed in life. Children also have the inborn motivation to be loved, accepted, and protected by their parent. Many parents see it as their responsibility to exploit the child’s need for their love and approval, using the motivational system of reward and punishment to achieve their goals.

Many of the tools of reward are approval, closeness, praise, material goods and privileges. The tools of punishment are disapproval, distance, shame, humiliation, guilt, and loss of privileges, etc. And then add to this cocktail a shot of Fear - the major emotion fueling this autocratic system. Fear of failure, fear of losing, fear of shame or loss of face, fear of disapproval, etc. This leads to an uncomfortable and stressful situation for the child and for their social environment.

In the Western world, we have moved toward a more democratic, collaborative system in the way in which we relate to one another. We feel the same accomplishments can be achieved without the underlying fear of performance, acceptability and shame. While the end result of effort is still important, we want to value the creative process of the love of learning and social contribution.

So I thank Amy for writing this book – it’s a good reminder of how far we’ve come!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross and Dr. Marty Nash

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Dr. Marty Nash is a practicing Family Therapist in Toronto. Click here for Workshops for Winter 2010/11!

When Parents Disagree

When Parents Disagree

By Doone Estey

Lindsay: Oh, I forgot to tell you. I’m getting a ride to Ryan’s party from Kate.

Dad: Ryan’s party?

Lindsay: Yeah, on Saturday. Oh, and her curfew is midnight and she said she’ll bring me home a few minutes before.

Dad: Your curfew is 11 o’clock, honey.

Lindsay: But everyone is staying until 12 – and I’ve been really good about coming home on time.

Mom: That’s true, Mike. Maybe just this once…

Dad: No! We have rules in this house. I don’t care about what everyone else is doing. A curfew is a curfew.

Sound familiar? Any parent of a teen can imagine where this is going. Being parents is always a matter of negotiation – progressing very quickly from disagreeing over nap times to implementing curfews.

Here are some tips to help parents work together.

Embrace differences. Couples often have different opinions about important aspects of their life together, such as how to spend money, or where to vacation. Why should raising children be any different? Every parent brings his own emotional baggage from his childhood to his parenting style. Thus, it is critical for parents to appreciate from the very beginning that they will often find themselves agreeing to disagree.

Compromise is king. The important thing for parents is to recognize that differing approaches deserve equal consideration. When a disagreement arises, before things get too heated, parents should try to have a healthy discussion. They should listen to each other’s perspectives, acknowledge the other’s point of view -- and reach an agreement that is acceptable to both. Remember – it’s not about winning, it’s about resolving the matter in a way that makes sense to both parents and, hopefully, to the child as well.

Rules have exceptions. One benefit of two parental perspectives is that children learn that not all situations are resolved in the same way. When parents agree on a consistent plan (“Absolutely NO getting in the car with someone who has been drinking!”) it is easy for them to implement it. However, there should also be room for sometimes compromises. For example, “You can go to the party this time provided you check in with us” means that children learn that the rules are steadfast in some situations and malleable in others. This gives them the benefit of more freedoms than if they had two strict parents -- and more limits than if they had two permissive parents.

Learn from each other. Sometimes one parent is interested in trying new approaches to parenting, whether learned from a friend, a book or a class. If the other parent is resistant, all is not lost. Children will notice the changes in the one parent’s approach and will respond accordingly. When the other parent observes the positive response, they will likely begin to try the new skill at their own pace.

Should parents present a ‘united front’? This is a great idea in theory, but practically speaking, children know from a very young age who to go to for more allowance, help with their homework, someone to make them a snack or permission to do anything fun.
A more effective approach might be to have an open discussion with the child, with input from all 3 parties and everybody’s reasons for their points of view all out on the table. The key here is to be respectful to each other and to be ready to compromise.

Modeling respectful conflict skills is one of the most important gifts parents can give their children. After all, how will children ever learn to deal with conflict in an emotionally mature way if it always takes place behind closed doors? Seeing practical examples of how to resolve conflicts is essential to children’s healthy development. Even when there is a good parent/bad parent scenario, if parents explain their rationale, children will see that both mom and dad have their best interests at heart.

So in our alternative scenario, Dad and Mom sit down with Lindsay and explain their concerns -- and a compromise is reached.

Dad: I suppose that if you promise to check in around 11, don’t go to anyone else’s house and come home with Kate, it would be okay.

Mom: And you know we’re here to pick you up if you need us. The main thing is your safety so we hope you will always be honest with us.

Good Morning Routine

In a perfect world, everyone would be a morning person, up at the crack of dawn, cheery and ready to face the day with their workbags packed and teeth sparkling. But the reality for most families is that mornings are a scramble.

Do you almost lose your mind and voice each morning as you coax, remind and even threaten your kids? The stress can escalate all too quickly and leave a pallor on the rest of the day.

So what can we do to bring more peace and harmony to the mornings? Well, this is going to sound counterintuitive, but you have to give your kids more responsibility and let go of some of your own fears. The fact is, by pestering them, packing their bags and lining up their shoes, you are encouraging them to be dependent on you. So let yourself off the hook (and remember: if they are late, it is not a reflection on you).

An important goal of parenting is to encourage children towards independence. And the younger you start, the better! The more your children can do for themselves and for the family, the more confidence they will have. A good mantra for parents to repeat while making changes is ‘Love, Respect, and Faith’. Love doesn’t mean doing everything for your kids—it means letting go! Respect allows for them to make choices and to experience failure such as forgetting their homework, wearing the wrong shoes or being late. Think of these failures as opportunities to learn. And yes, have faith. They will learn.

Here’s a tried-and-true idea to get you started:

Have a family get-together to discuss the morning routine. Even a child as young as 2 1/2 can participate in creating a routine. When children have a say in creating the routine, they are much more likely to follow it. Make your meeting fun and brief, and remember a special snack can win almost anyone over!

Create a list of the jobs to be done in the morning. For instance, your child’s job is to dress themselves, and organize their pack. Your job is to dress yourself, to prepare breakfast and to call them when it’s ready. (Once only, not every 5 minutes!) With younger children it may be helpful to create a job chart with words and photos of them brushing their teeth, getting dressed and eating their breakfast.

Important tip: include a cuddle with a parent as the first thing they do in the morning. Children that feel cared about are far less likely to act out.

I’m going to go out on a limb, and predict that the first routine you make will not work perfectly. You may even curse the attempt. So agree to try the new routine for a few days only, with a plan to revisit it. Then celebrate what worked and tweak what didn’t! And feel free to comment here on your morning successes, failures and suggestions.

Good luck and we’re here to help if you could use a bit more parenting support and guidance. A great place to start is to check out our selection of Winter Classes at parentingnetwork.ca!

Stay well!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross

For My Gluten-free Friends!

I'm pretty pumped by a discovery I made over the holidays - Grape skin flour. Only a gluten-free nut would get excited when they find a new flour, but this flour packs a punch like no other. Even your gluten-friends should have this in their pantry! It's antioxidant rich - just look at these nutritional facts...

Per 100 g flour:

• omega 6 - 64 g
• omega 3 - 30.2g
• potassium - 2100 mg (65% daily value)
• fiber - 52 gm (208% daily value)
• Protein - 12 gm
• Calcium - 70% daily value
• Iron - 710% daily value

If I could eat it straight out of the bag I would! But sadly it's a bit tart, so I'm simply adding a couple of tablespoons to all of my baking - gives a rich colour somewhat like cocoa powder to the end product. I had it in my pancakes this morning. Yumm - feel healthier already. :)

Where do you get this miracle stuff? My local gourmet store carried it - but here's the contact info on the package:

Vintage Flour Niagara Inc.

1811 Niagara Stone Rd., Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario - L0S 1J0

1-905-468-1259

If you have any recommendations for me, please share!

Warmly, Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here for Workshops for Winter 2010/11!