Family Meetings - An Antidote for Bickering and Annoying Behaviour in the Car - Part 3 (Final word on this!)

OK, the BIG moment has arrived and you wheel the gang out of the driveway.
Here are some tips when the inevitable happens, and things get out of hand!

What the PARENT can do:

• Remain calm - this was bound to happen at some point!
• Let the kids know that you have confidence they know how to be fair, and that they can sort this out
• If you’re getting distracted, pull over at the first available safe location until things have calmed down. (Do this before you get annoyed, and don't use it as a threat)
• Remember, you want your children to resolve the situation – your job is to encourage their independence
• While you are waiting for the kids to sort things out, feel free to stretch your legs, or generally keep yourself completely busy with something other than them!

What the CHILDREN can do:

• Let the other person know, in a calm voice, what it is they want.
• Focus their attention away from the bothersome behaviour.
• Ask a parent for some help (parents can help mediate - DO NOT take sides)
• Engage the person annoying them in an enjoyable activity. (OK, this one is a stretch)

Having personally spent some quality time on the shoulder of various side roads I want you to know it's a great investment. Kids learn that you have limits and they aren't going to pull you into their dramas. Besides no one ever said parenting was convenient!

Happy Travels!!

"Holiday Tips for the Work-from-Home Mom"

I have a great difficulty getting the sleep I need at this time of year. I wake up with too many lists in my head - ugh. So what do I do? I ususally hit my computer to start a few more lists! While I was there I saw this blog from Ali Brown and thought of all the other mompreneurs out there doing the holiday/work/family juggle. If you have to get some work done this holiday season, I hope this helps you create a little order and find ways to enjoy some holiday spirit!

With the kids around more than usual over the holidays, you might be missing quiet time to get solid work done at home. Most moms I know get too busy to properly plan ahead. But, if you get a little creative, you can set your kids up for a fun, memorable vacation and not miss a beat at work.

Streamline your to-do list - Be honest, if the kids are home, you're not going to get as much done as you usually would. There's no reason to beat yourself up and feel like you've fallen behind. Instead, write down the top 3 work items that you MUST get done each day and make sure you accomplish them. That way you can shut down your computer feeling right about your day, and focus on all the wonderful time you get to share with your kids!

Hire holiday help - Remember, K-12 kids aren't the only ones home for the holidays. Most college students have 3 weeks off and are probably going crazy under their parents' roofs themselves. (Don't we all remember those days?) Ask your friends and neighbors if their older children are looking for some extra cash around the holidays to play nanny, so you can still play boss.

Volunteer your kids - During the holidays, soup kitchens and animal shelters are always looking for an extra hand. Appoint an adult chaperone (or two) to take the kids out for a day of kid-friendly volunteer work. (For kid-friendly volunteer opportunities, click here.)Not only will it get your kids off the couch, but it also might get them into the spirit of giving in a life-changing way.

Indulge their hobbies - Whether it's tennis, ballet, reading, or art, sign your kids up for mini-workshops that they can attend during the weekdays. If you can't find a class in the community, then have a bunch of moms pitch in to hire a private teacher and host group classes in your own home (this method works best if you have a basement you can work in ;)). And don't forget there are a ton of talented high school and college-level athletes and artists who would be thrilled to teach a group of kids!

Keep a routine - If there's no way around it and it's just you and the kids, be sure to set some boundaries so their day doesn't invade yours. Instead of letting the kids run wild all day long, try to set a schedule for them so they get a mix of exercise, education and rest time. Plan holiday movie time, holiday project fun time, to give you 1.5-hour blocks of time to knock a few things off your to-do list.

Don’t forget to indulge your own inner child and join your kids in a few fun holiday projects. That’s the beauty of being a “mom”preneur -- you get to decorate gingerbread cookies with your kids in the morning, then work while they giggle to Frosty the Snowman in the background. Could you have a better workday than that?

Happy Holidays!

Self-made entrepreneur and Inc. 500-ranked CEO Ali Brown teaches women around the world how to start and grow profitable businesses that make a positive impact. Get her FREE weekly articles and advice at www.AliBrown.com

Family Meetings – An Antidote for Bickering and Annoying Behaviour in the Car! Part 2

Success with Part 1 of this series??

Well here are some more tips to further enhance the quality of the family discussions you have prior to extended road trips…

Discussion pointers:

1. What needs to be done before we leave?
   Make the list together, and have each family member choose a task. Such as, make the lunch; create the route map; research a hotel to stay at
2. Pre-plan activities for the car journey. What CDs or DVDs should we bring to listen to or watch in the car? Or would it be a better idea to bring personal music/media players?
3. How frequent should stops be? Plan outlets for your high energy child for both in the car and during the stops. Talk over how it feels when your body is ready for a break or a change. This can prevent your children from taking these feelings out on each other.
4. Where should we stop to eat or what should we pack for food and beverages?
5. How to handle the inevitable conflicts between kids in the car. Review the child's options when faced with an annoying sibling - ie. use their words, ignore the behaviour, ask an adult for help. Let them know what you'll do, should they not get along in the car - ie. pull over to the side of the road until things settle down.
6. And the most exciting discussion -What are we going to do when we get there?!

By taking the time to pre-plan and involve family members, there will be fewer surprises and fewer disruptions.

Some supporting thoughts on Family Meetings:

· Parents report these meetings are fabulous ways for them to teach important life skills - such as organization, resourcefulness, negotiating, compromise, etc.
· As families learn how to hold these meetings and practice this regularly, the effort required is greatly reduced!

Part 3 of this series: TIPS on what to do if (when) problems arise in the car…

Family Meetings – An Antidote for Bickering and Other Annoying Behaviour in the Car! Part 1

“I want to sit there…”
“He’s on my side…”
“Mom, tell him to stop!”

Sound familiar??

Family vacations are meant to be relaxing and enjoyable but the car journey can often be anything but! A family meeting can be a great way to ensure a more successful trip.

Sit down together as a family before your next extended car ride and talk about the options available when they find somebody else’s behaviour irritating.

Pointers for a successful Family Meeting:

• Find a calm, friendly time of the day


• Encourage ALL family members to contribute to the discussion.


• Designate a leader (not a boss) – kids can take turns too - to ensure everybody’s opinion is heard.


• The job is done when all family members have agreed on the best approach to handle difficulties (no voting). This may not necessarily happen in one session!


• Congratulate yourselves when you reach an agreement.

It’s a good idea to have a family member record the decisions made for later reference.
There's no guarantee you'll have a more peaceful car ride, but you'll have put a great method to solving family problems in motion.

See Part 2 of this series

5 Family Vacation Survival Tips

5 Family Vacation Survival Tips

The suitcases are packed and stacks of colourful summer clothes clutter the bedroom floor.

Winter is here and you’re heading south in search of sun and sand. Family vacations are a chance to enjoy quality time together but sometimes great times can get ugly.

Here are 5 of my Family Vacation Survival Tips:
1. DELEGATE

For example, you're getting up early for a day at the beach. The night before, write out a list of things that need to be done:

Breakfast cleanup

Prepare picnic lunch

Organize beach toys, towels and sunscreen
Fill water bottles
Load up the car

And then get everyone to pick a job! Many hands lighten the load.

2. PREPLAN

Before arriving at the beach, agree on the deal around:

• Sunscreen and hats


• Water safety rules


• Budget for snacks and activities


• Departure time

Prevention makes for a more harmonious holiday.

3. PACE YOURSELF
Give yourself some private time. It may be as simple as a 30-minute uninterrupted bath.

4. KEEP IT SIMPLE

Have you ever returned from a family vacation needing a vacation to recover? Don’t over plan or over schedule. Everyone will return more rested. And don't forget the deck of cards.
Leave time for spontaneity and down time.

5. CARVE OUT ADULT TIME

Share time alone with your partner.This shows your children that you value and nurture important relationships. They will survive it and learn to respect your right to have it. And they could use a break from you too!

For those travelling, I wish you a happy and safe holiday!

Warmly, Beverley
P.S. For tips on how to plan a vacation with your kids check this blog!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here for Workshops for Winter 2010/11!

Getting Kids to Listen

“I’m going to write a blog on getting kids to listen” I told my kids.
“What?” My son said.
“I’m going to write...”
“That was a joke, Mom...”

The thing is, kids do listen and they do hear us. But they don’t always do what we ask, which is really the most important part of the listening, as far as we’re concerned.

You only have to say once where the cookies are and bang, they’ve got it. But try to get them out of the bath or into bed or to clean up the toys? Forget it. Kids don’t like to be told what to do any more than we do, which is why ordering them around often doesn’t end well.

To get kids to listen, sometimes all we have to do is a better job of asking. Our tone, our manner, our words, our volume and our timing are all key to increasing cooperation:

• Get down to their level, get their attention, say their name
• Look them in the eye, touch their shoulder
• Wait until they are fully focused, not distracted
• Say it with one word, say please – “Toys now please!”
• Say it calmly and quietly – even if you have to repeat yourself - but only once
• Respect what they are doing, give a transition warning – “Bath time in 5 minutes”
• Ask for their cooperation - “Johnny, I need some help with the toys, ok?”
• Say what you will do -“I’m starting story time, are you ready?”
• Give a small choice – “Do you want to brush your teeth before or after bath?”
• Write a list, or a picture list, with the routine on it – toys, teeth, bath, story, bed, hugs.

Hope their ears perk up!
Doone Estey
For more listening and cooperation tips, please consider one of our parenting courses – satisfaction guaranteed or your money back. www.parentingnetwork.ca

Letters to Santa

Christmas time is a special time of year for families all around the world. Together, children, parents and grandparents can enjoy the fun and magic that this season has to offer.

Christmas is also a very busy time of year for Santa Claus. A little Irish elf who lives at the North Pole once told me that Santa has to get the sleigh ready, make sure the elves have finished all the toys, and check his list twice to be sure he hasn't forgotten a single child. But in the midst of all this chaos, he always makes time to read letters from children. That's because Santa knows children sometimes change their minds, and he wants to be sure he's bringing the right gifts on Christmas Eve.

Before the little elf was one of Santa's helpers, he was a very little boy living at home in Ireland with his Mom and Dad. It was early December and it was time to write his annual letter to Santa... He got his special crayons, some writing paper and began to write (with his Mom’s help since he was still a very little boy). He asked how Mrs Claus, the elves and the reindeer had been keeping and he told Santa that he had been a helpful boy this year and shared some of the wonderful things he had done. He told Santa that he really wanted a toy fire engine for Christmas so that he could help people. Of course, the little boy said thank you to Santa and wished him safe travels and a very Merry Christmas.

When finished, he set his letter on the logs in the fireplace and went to bed. This is an Irish tradition. Not to worry… the logs weren’t on fire! The next morning, the letter was gone and in its place was a sprinkling of magic dust on the logs! The letter had gone to Santa!

On Christmas Eve, the little boy went to bed so excited that he left his soother by his stocking... When he woke up the next morning he realized that Santa had turned his soother into a toy fire engine!

Writing letters to Santa not only brings the magic of Christmas into your home, but it allows quality discussions to be had between you and your kids... the true meaning of Christmas.

So, why not take a little time with your wee ones and get a letter writing tradition started in your family this year. Send their letters to the address below. Santa makes sure to reply to every letter... just make sure you include a return address. This is a free service Canada Post offers each year.

Santa Claus
North Pole
HOH OHO

Should you prefer, here’s an online service that will send your child a letter or give them a personal phone call… all straight from the big guy!

Click on the link below for more information

Free Download to Help You Raise Self-reliant Kids

Step One is to be convinced that this is important!

You do want to work yourself out of a job one day -right? Well think of the life-skills and qualities that would help your children function fully as young adults without you. Such as:

• Independence of thought and action - Helps them resist peer pressure during those teen years too!
• Resilience - Helps them bounce back after disappointments or failures, such as endure rejection by a friend
• Be Caring and empathetic
• etc, etc

Once you have your list, place a column for each of your children next to that list and rate how they are doing so far. Feel good about their strengths - some things are working :) - and start looking for ways to help them with their weaknesses.

To make your job a little easier we've created a list of the Top Ten Life-skills. These are based on the ideas from parents in our courses.

Go here for your FREE download -> Top Ten Life-skills

Warmly, Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here for Workshops for Winter 2010/11!

Don't miss our Early Bird Specials! Ends December 5th.

14-Year Old Inspires

I was so moved by this young man that I decided to share the video of his comments with you.

Fourteen-Year-Old Michigan Student Stands Up for Suspended, Gay-Defending Teacher

Jay McDowell, a teacher in Howell, Michigan, was temporarily suspended without pay earlier this month after telling a student wearing a Confederate flag and a student making anti-gay remarks to get out of his class. At a school-board meeting on Friday, openly gay 14-year-old high-school student Graeme Taylor came to McDowell's defense, thanking the teacher for doing "an amazing thing" in a town home to the KKK, and urging the school board to give McDowell his pay and reverse the disciplinary actions. The inspiring video has made its way around the Internet, because how cool is this kid? Click here. (Heads up there's an 18 second commercial before the video begins - you have the correct link!)

Warmly, Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here for final Workshops for Winter 2010/11!

I choose to listen to their woes...

I am starting the school year again with three children at different schools.

Two children are heading back to the same school where they started last year, and our youngest is going to a new school for grade 6. While each stage of a child's education provides its opportunities to grow, right along side are the challenges.

In High School my son (15) recounts stories of sitting in class doing nothing because
the teacher is on their laptop; my daughter tells us about teachers who yell and
embarrass some students who don't have their work done.

After attending parenting classes and courses I choose to listen to
their woes and acknowledge their feelings regarding school and
teachers . I try not to say much when they complain about the teaching
styles they are encountering. Our thought is that you need to endure
all types of situations and figure out how to cope. In truth I wish I
could change those experiences so that at the end of the day when we
ask ,"And how was school today?", we would hear them tell about the
wonderful learning that went on in the classroom.


I hope that this year we are blessed with some of the hardworking,
energetic teachers in the public system because when they show up so
do my children!
Kate Robertson, for Parenting Network

Teen Summer Driving

So how’s your summer going with the kids at home? I actually kind of miss the summers I spent driving my kids all over the place.

These days I have more time to myself but I spend a lot of it worrying when my teens are on the road. Thank goodness many teens these days seem more responsible than previous generations about drinking and driving. Now if we could only get them to realize that driving and cell phones are just as dangerous...

I have one teen with a learner’s permit, which, needless to say, makes a simple trip around the block stressful. Not to mention when she decides to ramp up her learning and take a turn with the stick shift, in which case I get whiplash just going down the driveway...

I have somewhat resolved this dilemma by realizing that, to my surprise, her older siblings make much better teachers than I do. My would be driver takes instruction more easily from her sister and brothers and they have more patience and technical knowhow than I do for sure. Plus they like the same kind of music and all of them would rather drive around doing errands than stay home pretending to do the dishes!

This summer our household also has a couple of teens who drive themselves to work, very capably I might add, but have nowhere to park. So one came home with a golf ball through the rear window and the other was a victim of a fender bender hit and run. Fortunately the former was covered by insurance and the latter was sort of fixed with a hammer, wrench and some spray body paint.

But the most unusual driving memory this summer doesn’t involve the teens at all – it would surely be the huge wild female turkey we had to keep chasing off the roof of the car!
DE August 20 blog

Easy and Fun Family Times!

I find summer a great time for family activities. Without the pressures of homework and school bedtimes, I can connect with my children in fun, creative ways.

Whether you and your children are hanging out at the beach, the cottage or just enjoying some long light-filled evenings at the playground with ice cream, here are some of our family favourites!

1. One summer, I bought a box of watercolour paints, a couple of brushes and paper and set myself up in the back yard. I tried my hand at painting flowers, birds, kids at the playground, and sunsets. Inevitably one or more of my children became interested and joined in. Although nothing was really ever of ‘framable’ quality, we shared some wonderful moments together.

One year we even tackled a bedroom at the cottage. Using a template and acrylics, we sponge painted large random overlapping dots in shades of blue, green and yellow all over the walls. The dots have been there for years now and each teen remembers who painted what! It’s such a great memory, I wouldn’t dream of painting over it.

2. At a family restaurant, a good time buster while waiting for the food to arrive is a game called “Take Off the Table”. One person removes an object from the table (while the others have their eyes closed) and holds it in their lap. The others have to guess what it is. Some ground rules can be set, i.e. no candles, no food, etc.

As my kids got older and savvier, the rules became more complicated, such as “Could items be repeated?” or “Does salt count as food?” Half the time, we wouldn’t have the rules straight before the food came...

3. Shake up the family routine with lots more picnics and finger food, scavenger hunts in the backyard and staying up late to see the stars. Water balloon tosses, sparklers for no reason, croquet, backyard bowling with kitchen boxes and cans, chalk hopscotch, lemonade stands and fort building etc. all conspire to create great summer memories for your kids.

Some of our fondest memories were the nights we had nothing but all-you-can-eat, make-your-own ice cream sundaes for dinner. But don’t quote me on that one!

Doone Estey
Co-founder of Parenting Network

To help you make the shift towards more respectful, democratic approaches with your children visit Parenting Network for our listing of popular parenting classes. Registration is now on!

© 2002-2009 Parenting Network. WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Parenting Network has helped thousands of parents become their best since 1989. So, why wait a moment longer? Check out their website Parenting Network for a listing of popular parenting classes and products.

Key Tools to Help You Avoid a Parent Meltdown


There are some very basic things we do as parents that set the stage for a struggle with a child. Here are some of the more common no-no's!

· The need for perfection.
· The need for control.
· Doing for a child what they can do for themselves.
· Protecting a child from the results of their choices.
· Taking your child’s behaviour personally, and worrying about the judgment of others.
· Interfering with your child’s relationship with your partner.


Six Great Habits to Start…

1. Create a child-friendly home where mistakes are okay.

2. If you're feeling stressed and overworked, quit the role you’ve created for yourself in the family and write a new job description that allows for the contribution from others. Hold a family meeting and share a list of household responsibilities – let everyone choose what they’d like to be in charge of.

3. Develop routines that the child can manage for themselves. Give the child an opportunity to make more and more decisions.

4. Active listen and be empathetic when their choices don’t turn out so well. Struggle is a vital part of learning and helps them develop better judgment.

5. Respond to your child’s behaviour in a respectful and caring manner. Don’t abandon your parenting approach to please an onlooker.

6. Communicate with your partner about parenting issues in private. Remember that your partnership is the primary relationship and provides the foundation for the family. Get the support you need to keep it healthy.


Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here for final Workshops for the Spring!

teen

Principle #4a - Should a parent step into children's fights?

Ever banned screen time for a week and quickly regretted it? Or banished one child to their room, only to have them trash it in a rage?

Sometimes as parents we run out of patience and ideas when our kids do battle, and we snap. Not a pretty sight. The problem is once you appoint yourself cop and judge of your children’s conflicts you can expect years on the job.

Here is 4a in our series of 4 Key Principles (Yes, we decided there's a need for one more!) to create the close, collaborative relationships we so dearly want with our children. These Principles apply to parents of only children too - who also play and fight alongside their peers. So don’t leave them clueless!

Principle #4a: Teach your children basic conflict resolution skills, and mediate when you deem it would be helpful.

I remember the time when my 3 year-old Gillian would give these bone-crunching hugs to her 11 month-old sister Maddie, ignoring her obvious displeasure. My attempts to stop it weren’t working, so I said “Maddie you need to let her know you don’t like this” and left the room. Moments later an hysterical Gill emerged with 2 things: an ugly set of teeth marks on her forearm, and a great deal more respect for her sister’s abilities!

When we take charge we waste an opportunity for children to learn how to solve a conflict for themselves.

Basic Conflict Resolution
Most children get their introduction to conflict resolution in nursery school, or at daycare.

They're taught these 3 choices:
1. Use your words, not your fists.
2. If you don’t like how someone’s treating you, go play somewhere else or with someone else.
3. Can’t work it out? Get help from an adult.

And if they can do this at school they can certainly do it at home!

TIP: Tonight at dinner, ask this - “When another kid’s bugging you at school, what does your teacher want you to do about it?” If you don’t hear the 3 options above, take the time to talk about them. Once they know their choices, you need to then give them a chance to put them into action.

So instead of:
“If you two don’t stop fighting, that computer is off and will stay off for a week!”

It’s more like this...
“Mom she’s hogging the computer!”
“You sound pretty annoyed.”
“I am. I want you to tell her it’s my turn!”
“Hon, I’m not the one having the problem. What other ideas do you have?”
“Well last week we agreed we’d each get 30 minutes after school and she’s way over.”
“I see.”
“Maybe we need to write down the time when we start. Or could we use your kitchen timer?”
“Sure... looks like you've come up with a plan.”

Mediation
State the problem, ask for both perspectives and brainstorm for solutions.

Tip: Remember no taking sides, and don’t provide the solutions.

1.“It looks like you guys are having trouble working this out. Do you need some help?”
“She’s way over her 30 minutes and won’t get off!”
“Liar it’s only been 20 minutes.”
“Sounds like the problem is you can’t agree on how many minutes it’s been. How can you fix that?”

2. “There is one piece of chocolate cake and 2 hungry children. What do you two think would be fair?”

3. “You both need to feel satisfied with the decision. How about you take a break until you have more ideas, or someone’s willing to be flexible?”

For the younger child, redirection and choices can be helpful.
1. “I’m sure Susie will share when she’s ready. What would you like to do while you wait for your turn?”

2. “Looks like you’re having trouble sharing this toy. Would you like to set the timer and take turns, or come to the kitchen and colour for awhile?”

3. “What could you say to Johnny to let him know how you feel about that?”

4. A favourite from a parent in one of our classes: Their 3 year-old insisted on being noisy at bedtime, often waking up her younger sister. When she was asked how to remedy the situation, she said, “Dad could tiptoe”. An early attempt at brainstorming!

Yes, this approach takes a bit more time and creativity but both are well invested, for you are helping your children develop the life skills needed to have close, respectful and collaborative relationships with others. Watch for 4b next week!

Good luck!
Beverley

Last Call… Sign up now and save $65 on our Spring Parenting Courses!

If you missed our first 3 Principles please check our previous blogs in April and March.

Principle #3 – Is the bickering driving you crazy?

Ever find yourself negotiating how many sprinkles each child has, or who touched who first? Or gone through a stop sign because you were focussed on what was going on in the back seat?

Often as parents we tend to get way too involved in our children’s bickering. We know children need to learn how to stand up for themselves – it is a survival skill – but the learning process can drive us crazy!

“Mom, he looked at me!”
“For goodness sakes, just ignore him! Or look the other way - he’s just trying to bug you.”

“Mom, it’s my turn, tell him he’s got to share!”
“If you two can’t work it out the game’s going away. Do you understand?”

“Susie, you’re an idiot!”
“If you can’t talk nicely to each other, I don’t want you talking at all!”

Here is the third in our series of 4 Key Principles to create the close, cooperative relationships we so dearly want between our children.

Principle #3: Stay out of it! The tricky part is knowing when to stay out of it and when to step in.

Some general guidelines for those low level conflicts – bickering, arguing and name-calling.

The 3R’s of conflict:
1. Retreat into your mind - ignore the fuss and dream of your next vacation
2. Request they take their behaviour someplace else – “Would you guys please handle this somewhere else.” TIP: A request is NOT a demand.
3. Remove yourself when you find the behaviour annoying, or if above didn’t work! – “This isn’t working for me. I’m going to the other room.”

Sounds like…
“Mom, he’s looking at me!”
“Mmm…”
“Tell him to stop!”
“This is between you and your brother.”
“Fine, I’m going to eat my cereal somewhere else!”

Or…

“Susie, you’re an idiot!” “Well at least I don’t have pimples all over my face!”
“Guys would you please take this someplace else. I’m reading here.”
“Well I don’t want to be with her anyways! I’m going to my room!”

Let the kids resolve as many issues as possible without stepping in. Today look for opportunities to use the 3Rs. Think - "Bring it on kids. I'm ready for you!"

For those times when you are tempted to step in - tune in next week for Principle #4 - where we'll explore when and how to intervene.


Special Offer – SAVE $65 on a Spring Parenting Course. Register now!

Have a great day!
Beverley

Encouragement - A Practice Challenge!

I read something this morning and I just had to pass it on to you. I know you may be busy with children today, but that’s what makes this even more perfect – you have an audience to practice on!

But before you launch into that, DON’T skip this:

Important Message - our Early Bird Special ends at midnight. If you wanted to refresh your parenting skills, or invigorate your marriage, NOW is the time, and here’s the link => Catalogue.

We’re crazy about Encouragement Skills at Parenting Network, so here is a Practice Challenge from Jody McVittie a friend and colleague in Puget Sound. Guaranteed to help children feel valued and capable. P.S. Works great on partners too.

“Encouragement 2x10”: A home practice challenge
Offer a child 2 specific encouragements a day for 10 days.

Keys to remember:
• Encouragement is non-judgmental (That means avoiding words like good, great, super. Instead, use words that describe what you see: persistent, fair, focused, helpful, excited)
• Encouragement is honest and heart-felt and in the moment. (not offered directly in order to manipulate or change behavior)
• Encouragement is powerful when it is private. A quiet voice or note can work better than a public announcement.
• Encouragement can be non-verbal (an acknowledging smile), written (post it notes make wonderful encouragement tools) or spoken.

Sample encouraging statements - but use your own words!
• Descriptive Encouragement: I noticed you helping ____, I noticed how hard you’ve been working, I noticed how this seems to be of interest to you.
• Appreciative Encouragement: I appreciated your help today, I appreciated your idea, I appreciated your patience at the store.
• Empowering Encouragement: I know you can do this, I have seen you do things that are harder than this, I have confidence you can figure this out.

So challenge yourself and start a new healthy habit today!

Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross
Co-founder Parenting Network
email: beverley@parentingnetwork.ca
web: www.parentingnetwork.ca
phone: 416-480-2499

“You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.”

Who started it? Sibling Rivalry Principle #2

Who instigates most of the sibling fights in your house? Is the youngest looking for some attention from an older sibling? Or, the oldest taking out some frustrations on the middle one?

When we think we know who started it, the temptation is to referee and assign blame.

“Jimmy, if you can’t settle down like the others, there will be no story for you!”
“Jane, you’re older. Let your little sister have the toy!”
“There’s water all over the bathroom floor! Which one of you did this?”

When we do this, however, we’re creating roles or labels for our children: the aggressor, the victim, the responsible one. The risk we take? The label will stick, and our children will live up to our expectations.

This is the second in our series of 4 Key Principles to create the close, cooperative relationships we so dearly want between our children. (See March 23 for Principle #1)

Principle #2: “Put them in the same boat.” Or, another way of looking at it, STOP taking sides!

Taking sides encourages kids to point the finger with the hope of swaying a parent. Putting them in the same boat encourages an attitude of we are in this together, and underlines the idea that bystanders are responsible too. When it comes to conflict between children, it’s more important to find a solution than it is to find out who done it.

So shift your focus from one of blame to one of solutions. It will sound more like this:

“I’m willing to read stories when all is quiet.”
“Girls if you’re having trouble sharing the toys, why don’t you play separately for awhile.”

And if they try to blame:
“Boys, there’s water all over the bathroom floor.”
“Ben did all of the splashing, not me.”
“Did not!”
“It’s not important to me who did it. What’s important is what are you boys going to do about it?”

As the old adage goes, it takes two to fight. And if we constantly take sides, we cause resentment. Spreading shared responsibility can help siblings bond and work more cooperatively together.

Sibling Rivalry - Principle I

Want your kids to stop fighting? Wish they acted more kindly towards one another? Maybe you even dream about them being best friends when they grow up? Well, if what you’re doing now isn’t working – it’s time for a change.

While sibling rivalry is very common in families, much of it can be avoided. One big contributor to the problem is something most parents do, too often - deny their children’s feelings.

We think we’re being helpful when we say things like:
“Don’t say you hate Mike, he’s your brother - you love him.”
“We don’t use that word in this house. It’s not nice.”
“That’s no way to talk to Lauren! You’re lucky you have a sister.”

While our intentions may be good... expecting a child to show warm, fuzzy feelings when they’re not feeling that way can lead to resentment and further retaliations.

There are 4 Key Principles to creating the close, cooperative relationships we so dearly want between our children.

Principle #1: Stop denying a child’s feelings. Instead, acknowledge their feelings, empathize and explore alternative actions.

“I understand that you’re upset that Mike knocked down your blocks. Instead of hitting, how could you let him know this?”
“You must be pretty upset to say you hate your brother. Do you want to tell me about it?”
“I see you’re mad that your sister got your shirt dirty – let’s see how she can help fix it.”

Validating your child’s feelings helps them feel understood, accepted, and unconditionally loved. This can have a calming effect, and make them more ready to listen. Exploring alternative actions gives them a tool they can use for the next time.(More on this in our next posting!)

Remember that all feelings are ok – just not all actions!

Watch for Principle #2 in our next Essential Parenting Tips posting.
To get a handle on this, and other family challenges, join one of our many popular Parenting Courses. Learn strategies and tools for all of those parenting moments. Your money back if it doesn’t change your life!

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Teen Angst--When is it a serious depression?

Depression among adolescents is common, but frequently not recognized by their family, teachers and even friends. Between 5% and 8% of all teens will experience periods of depression. This may range from the normal sadness and disappointment resulting from stressful life events to severe depression and even suicidal thoughts.

In Canada, suicide is the 2nd most common cause of death among young adults 15-29. It is almost twice as common in girls. This may well be that because in boys, it is frequently overlooked or mistaken for something else.

7 Warning Signs of Depression:

The following are most significant when they occur in combination and over a period lasting more than two weeks.
1. Sadness, anxiety and hopelessness.

2. Lack of interest in food or compulsive overeating with resulting weight loss or gain. Or, night time insomnia and daytime sleeping.

3. Social isolation. Friends are important to teens and if your child is withdrawing from friends, this is a sign of trouble.

4. Sudden drop in grades, cutting school, or relentless rebellion.

5. Psychosomatic complaints -- headaches, stomachaches, low back pain and fatigue.

6. Alcohol, drug use or sexual activity can be ways of coping with depression.

7. Suicidal feeling and behavior are a sign of serious depression and a real cry for help.

What should you do if you think your child is depressed?

Be sure to recognize the many ways that teenagers may manifest their depression. They will frequently deny that there is anything wrong with them and wish to be left alone. With sympathetic questioning, free from the fear of ridicule or "getting into trouble," they will admit to feeling sad or blue and will relate many of their other symptoms to depression.

The worrisome specter of teenage suicide cannot be ignored. It is imperative to find out if your child has any life-ending thoughts or urges. If there is any suspicion of this, then professional aid is imperative. A complete medical assessment is needed. The family doctor or paediatrician will be able to investigate the presence, severity and possible causes of the depression, including any physical causes. If drug or alcohol abuse is involved, your doctor should be able to spot it. If depression runs in your family, don't hesitate to tell the doctor.

Acknowledgements: Dr. Martin Wolfson, TVOntario September 4, 2001

Parenting Network has a number of supportive groups for parents of preteens and teens. So why go it alone when you can develop the skills, and get the support you need to navigate these years with more ease!

Wishing you the best,
Beverley Cathcart-Ross