Flipping Their Lid

All of us "flip our lids" sometimes. We’re human. When it’s our child, it usually comes in the form of a tantrum, whining, hitting or crying. Often these behaviors indicate a child’s lack of skill to self-regulate (the ability to monitor and manage emotions, and thoughts).

Self-regulation is important because it helps a child to focus their attention and behave in socially appropriate ways, even when life gets tough. Research shows that a child’s ability to self-regulate is a more robust predictor of long-term success than academic achievement.

The encouraging news is that self-regulation can be taught.  The skill develops slowly over time so it’s important not to expect the same ability from a 3-year-old as from a 7-year-old or 17-year-old.

Mistakes and Making Repairs 

The process of making a repair after flipping our lid is critical. So when we parents become unglued, it’s important that we model taking responsibility for our actions and for repairing the relationship. Here are four suggestions that encourage the process of self-regulation inspired by fellow Adlerian, Dr. Jody McVittie:

1.      Re-gather: Take the time and space that you need to calm back down. (i.e. “I ‘m starting to feel a little tense, so I’m going to take a few minutes of quiet time to calm down.”)

Tip: Get your kids to help brainstorm ways to calm down. Such as, practice some deep breathing, go for a walk, listen to music, count backwards, wiggle toes or fingers, get some fresh air, and look at nature.

2.      Recognize: Internally acknowledge your mistake without shame and blame (i.e. "I blew it").

Tip: Pay attention to the things that trigger you and plan ahead how you will respond the next time.

3.      Reconcile: Apologize without making excuses. Keep it VERY brief and acknowledge your mistake (i.e. “I’m sorry for yelling,” or “I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that,” etc.).                                         Tip: Saying sorry isn’t enough. Make a plan for improvement too.

4.      Resolve: Share what you will do to make it different next time. What are you going to try? (i.e. “Next time I will count backwards when I’m frustrated instead of yelling.” or, “Next time I will ask you what happened before I jump to conclusions.”).                                                                                        Tip: Ask your children for their help. (i.e.” Next time you see me about to flip my lid, will you let me know?”)

An adult repairing their mistakes (and relationships) in this manner is powerful modeling to children. It sends an important message - everyone can make a mistake, and in our family we take ownership of our mistakes and we do our best to do better for the next time.

Want to learn more about how to self-regulate? Here are some resources:

·         Dr. Bruce Perry, a respected leader in the field, shares some of the neuroscience involved in self-regulation.

·         Improve the way you communicate with your children:  Sign up for our How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk course – last time offered this year!

·         Parent of a Preteen/Teen? Still time to join our Teleseminar: Parenting a Teenager

·         Books are a great way to explore this topic with young children: How Do Dinosaurs Say I'm Mad! by Jane Yolen; and Jared's Cool-Out Space by Dr. Jane Nelsen.

·         Download this feeling faces chart for free! Helps children identify and name their feelings.

Questions? Please leave a comment or get in touch!

Warm regards,

Beverley Cathcart-Ross & DooneEstey

Co-authors of Raising Great Parents

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Confessions of a (recovering) Helicopter Dad

A self-diagnosed 'helicopter dad' was lamenting how he imagines, without fail, the worst-case scenario every day. In his article, he notes that, "As a culture, we are obsessed with protecting kids – from building playgrounds with cushioned surfaces to preventing them from climbing trees. Where does this worry come from? I don’t want it, but can’t escape it."

We regularly hear the same fear and anxiety from parents in our courses. The best cure, we have found, is to help parents understand the source of their fears and then equip them with the tools to manage them.

Fear is an important and vital signal from our brain. It motivates us to respond quickly in life-threatening situations, protecting both us and our children. Another powerful motivator, one that we are all born with, is the desire to be adventurous, create and learn. The challenge for us parents is to know when to listen to our fears and when to let go of them - to harness both motivators effectively. 

It may be counter-intuitive, but the best protection for our kids over time, is to help them build immunity by exposing them to certain risks, versus protecting them from imagined or potential hurts.

Some ways to ease a transition away from parenting with fear:
1) Ask yourself - "Is this a life-threatening situation?" If not, put your fear aside for now.
2) Let kids handle as many challenges as possible. Often we parent for the short term, stick handling for our kids now, hoping they'll learn later.
3) Believe in your child's ability to handle what comes their way. Take comfort that even if they struggle - skin a knee or have a disappointment - they learn that uncomfortable feelings can be sustained, be dealt with, and eventually overcome.

If you have succeeded in 'letting go' of your own fears please share your tips!

warmly, Beverley & Doone

Other resources:

• Register in a Parenting Course - Early Bird Special on NOW!
• Check out this audio parenting CD: Too tough or too permissive?