Okay, you've done your best to problem-solve an issue with your child and the agreed upon solutions are still not being respected. It may be time for what is commonly called a consequence. We call
it the Logical Next Step.
The “3R Rule” for a
Logical Next Step
Whenever
we feel the need to follow through on a behavior with a Logical Next Step it
needs to pass this litmus test: The 3R Rule –Reasonable, Respectful, and
Related.
1. Be Reasonable
Going
home when a child is acting up in a restaurant is a reasonable solution.
Telling the child they won’t ever come to a restaurant with you again would be
unreasonable.
2. Be Respectful
Your
tone should show respect for your child. Instead of, “I am fed up. You are going
home right now!” you can say, “This isn’t working today, so we need to leave.”
Dreikurs,
a renowned psychologist, put it this way: If Logical Consequences are used as a
threat or imposed in anger, they cease being consequences and become
punishments. Children are quick to discern the difference. They respond
positively to Logical Consequences; they fight back when punished.
3. Relate the Step
to the Behavior
A
Logical Next Step must be related to the behavior. Leaving the restaurant
passed this test. If you say to one child, “If you hit your sister, you won’t
have dessert,” it doesn’t follow. If your child talks back at the dinner table
and you say, “No TV tonight,” it won’t make sense. He’ll only resent you for it
and feel the need to retaliate.
When
used properly, a Logical Next Step is a very effective way to respond to a
child’s negative behavior. Children do recognize when they are given chances
and when they choose to disregard our efforts, they do see the fairness and
they will come around.
More examples with solutions…
Situation:
Curfew - You
and your 14 year old have problem-solved about their being late for curfew and
they’re still not respecting a mutually agreed upon time
Logical
Next Step: They take a break from going out the following weekend.
That doesn’t mean they can’t have a friend over – it just means until they are
ready to respect the time agreed to they’ll stay in. This is 100% related to
the problem. Your tone of voice and choice of words will determine if you
implemented the decision in a respectful manner.
Situation: Table
manners
or difficult behaviour at mealtime
Logical Next Step: If your child is
over the age of 4 years he is fully aware of the behavior you feel is
appropriate at the table, so a lecture is a waste of energy.
Recognizing
that you only control yourself and that you also wish to model respectful
approaches when it comes to dealing with a conflict, then you could: with a
calm and caring voice, ask the child if there is something bothering them, or would
they like to take a break from the table?
If
they refuse the peace offering and continue to act up, you go to Plan B.
Plan B - Take
action.
You pick up your plate and say “This
isn’t working for me tonight; I think I’ll finish my meal in the other room.” If your child says “I’ll stop. Please stay.” you can thank them for their cooperation
and settle back down. But be prepared for it to ramp up again and this time
leave calmly for good, saying “We can try
again tomorrow night.”
Some
kids will get worse when a parent takes control of themselves – this is a good
sign. Honest! They are struggling to get you back in the ring where they have
more power. Resist the urge and stay the course.
You
leaving the table feels completely counter-intuitive I know, but it WORKS!
The message you want
to send is
“I care about you and I care about me. I can’t make you stop but I can determine
how I wish to spend my time.”
Parents
that follow through generally find that it only takes 2 or 3 tries and their
child gets the message. Our children truly do want to be close to us and that works
in our favor!
P.S. If children
are badgered over manners or homework plans, every dinner, they may be thrilled
to see the back of us! So it is important to invest in making meal time a
pleasure.
Next month we’ll be
sharing thoughts on Setting Limits!
All
the best,
Beverley
& Doone
P.S. If you missed our Tips
for Problem-solving go here.
