Discipline That Teaches without The Hurt

“Research shows that physical punishment of a child can actually change the brain’s neural pathways, setting him or her up to use similar force as a parent later in life.  Ending the cycle of violence isn’t easy but it can be done.”  Globe and Mail, September 19, 2014

Parents often ask us, “If I adopt a collaborative approach to parenting, how do I discipline my child when things aren’t working?” 

When they say the word discipline, they usually mean some form of punishment, or at least a consequence. There’s a lingering myth that a child needs to suffer to learn. That’s not what we believe. When things go off the rails, which they inevitably will, we want to provide a chance for our children to take responsibility for it, make amends, and learn from it. 

Effective Discipline Tools

Alternatives to punishment is such a vital focus for parents that we decided to dedicate our next few newsletters to guiding parents on how to incorporate discipline in a positive and encouraging way into their family life.

Messing up is normal in any family. 

Kids draw on the wall, they break a vase when they’re jumping off the sofa, or they might even sneak money to buy candy at the store. It might be a simple mistake, something they didn’t think through in advance. Or it might be intentional, repeated behavior. If it is, you can be pretty sure that something is driving this behavior and the most helpful thing we can do is figure out what that is. Then we can look for a solution with our child.
 

Valuable Resource

When things go wrong, we can depend on an incredibly valuable resource – our own child’s natural creativity and ability to solve problems. Kids are our greatest resource. Figure them out, and they can move from resistance to cooperation. They have lots of ideas, they’re creative, and they respond to better to problem-solving than blame and punishment.

One of our parents came to class one day in a despondent mood. She’d been yelling at her kids all week, and she was tired and frustrated. What had happened? Her 6-year-old had taken her mascara and scrawled all over the wall in the staircase, the wall in plain view of anyone sitting in the living room. She was so furious she felt like giving the child her red lipstick to finish off the job!

What was she to do? Most of us would get pretty mad at a time like this, so it might be useful to reframe the scene. Instead of seeing it as behavior that needs to be punished, you might think of it as a problem that needs to be resolved. In this case, you need your child’s cooperation to address the problem.

Problem-Solving Approach

Here’s a step-by-step problem-solving approach that can serve as a useful guide at a time like this. These steps can be adapted to just about any situation!

1. Take a Time out – for Yourself

When you first see the mascara, take a deep breath. And another. Go in another room for a minute if you have to. It is best not to yell. What you are doing here is showing how an adult takes a self-respectful time out to manage her emotions. A yelling adult is role modeling an out-of-control adult. We’re not saying we’ll never lose our patience and show our anger over a behavior; after all, we are human. But it is better to focus on what motivated your child to do this and how the clean-up is going to be handled. Pointing out the child’s carelessness or deliberateness or how ‘bad’ they are will create distance and not solve the problem.

2. Approach Your Child When You Are Calm

When you’re both calm, approach your child to start dealing with the problem. Problems can’t be solved respectfully when we are stuck in ‘fight or flight’ mode.

3. Put Yourself in Your Child’s Shoes

“You must have been pretty upset about something to mark up our walls like this. Do you want to tell me about it?” The goal here is to give your child a chance to share what was going on for her. Find out what motivated the behavior. If you have an inkling what it could be, you can make a guess, “I’ve been pretty busy all day getting ready for our dinner party tonight. Could it be you’ve been feeling ignored? Maybe a bit hurt?” Don’t rush through this step because it’s where you win cooperation. Your child may even surprise you with a reason you never would have thought of. If the child feels you truly understand and care about her point of view, she’ll participate in the rest of the problem-solving exercise without fear or resistance. Before moving on, finish with this question: “Is there anything else you’d like to share with me?” Often children will delve into other issues that have been weighing heavy on their minds when they have a warm parent willing to listen. It can be a real goldmine.

4. Express Your Feelings

Keep this step brief. Say your bit in ten words or less. Otherwise you risk losing that cooperation you have just achieved. “I care about you and I care about our house.” Don’t go into a rant - they’ve likely heard it before. Your child knows right from wrong by age five so there’s no need to lecture either. If your child is under five, use this situation as a teaching moment and calmly state, “This isn’t a respectful way to treat our home. We draw on paper not on our walls.”

5. Collaborate on a Solution

So what can we do about this mess? This is when children learn the power of brainstorming for ideas and that two heads are often better than one. Ideas aren’t evaluated until the end. The key is to let your child share her ideas first. Since this is a pretty straightforward problem, there are only a couple of likely solutions. The child may offer to clean it up, or ask us to help her clean up. She can even offer to replace mom’s mascara from her savings or allowance. (Another good reason to give our children allowance) After her ideas run out, it’s your turn. Some children have difficulty coming up with solutions initially, but the more practice they get with this process the better their participation. With a younger child you may give them a couple of solutions to consider.

            Then, together with your child, choose the option you think will work best and implement it. Other issues, such as a new bedtime routine, may take a few days to solve. If so, you can say, “I think we have a great solution here, but let’s try it out for a few days and see if it’s working. If not we can always go back to the drawing board and fix it.” And if that is the case, it’s a good idea to follow the problem solving steps again.

The Younger Child

If you have a young child, or a simple situation, you might collapse these into one or two steps. A 3-year-old child dumps his blueberry yogurt onto the kitchen floor on purpose. We can say: “We’ve got a real mess here. What do we need to do now? Can you grab the sponge and we’ll do it together?” Afterward ask, “What can you do next time you don’t want your food?”

Last Resort

When a child continues to disregard solutions or decisions agreed upon, then it’s time for follow through. But instead of dishing out a consequence we’d like you to consider what we call taking the Logical Next Step. More on this and other ways to follow through in our next newsletter!

Until then, keep well!

Beverley & Doone 

Other Resources:

• Parenting Courses
• From our Audio Parenting Series: Setting Limits - Clear and sensible approaches to discipline Packed with over 60 minutes of parenting tools and peace of mind. In either CD or Download format.

I Need a Hug

I Need A Hug

by Dr. Jane Nelsen

I was watching some videos by Bob Bradbury the other day. They are very informative and inspiring. Bob tells a story about a father who tried the "I need a hug" suggestion. His small son was having a temper tantrum. The father got down on one knee and shouted, "I need a hug." His son asked through his sobs, "What?" The father shouted again, "I need a hug." His son asked incredulously, "Now?!?" The father said, "Yes, now." The son said, "Okay," and begrudgingly and stiffly gave his father a hug. Soon the stiffness disappeared and they melted into each others arms. After a few moments the father said, "Thanks, I needed that." His son said, with a small tremor on his lips, "So did I."

Sometimes hugs don't work because the child is too upset to give or receive a hug. Adults can still try. If the child is unwilling, the adult can say, "We need some cooling off time, and I sure would like a hug whenever you are ready." Some people ask, "After the hug, then what? What about the misbehavior?" Hugs can create an atmosphere where children are willing and able to learn. This may be the time to take time for training, ask what, why and how questions, give a limited choice, use distraction, engage in joint problem-solving -- or to do nothing and see what happens next. Most of the time adults can help children stop misbehaving when they stop dealing with the "misbehavior" and deal with the underlying cause. Children DO better when they FEEL better. Encouragement is the key.

An excellent way to encourage children is to help them feel useful by making a contribution. What a wonderful way to let them contribute -- by making you feel better when they give you a hug. Of course the fringe benefit is that they also feel better. Remember, a misbehaving child is a discouraged child. Perhaps encouragement is enough to change the behavior. Too many people think children must pay for what they have done in the form of blame, shame, or pain (other words for punishment). Try a hug instead.

If you would like to meet Jane and many other wonderful Adlerians, consider joining us at NASAP (North American Society of Adlerian Psychology). Here's a link to find out more about our upcoming conference. We'll be there too!

warmly, 

Beverley Cathcart-Ross & Doone Estey

Are your children controlling you? Here are some suggestions...

Who’s the boss in your home? Has your parenting collapsed?

A recent MacLean’s magazine article entitled "The Collapse of Parenting", after Leonard Sax's new book, claims that children are the boss in modern parenthood. It suggests that adults defer to their kids because they've lost confidence in themselves. 

One example is how parents cajole their kids to eat their vegetables by asking "Honey, could you please do me a favor? Could you please just try one bite of your green peas?" Dr. Sax feels parents have relinquished their authority and he talks about taking back control of their kids. What he doesn’t say is how to do that without shoveling peas down your child’s throat.

In our experience, “control of the kids” isn’t the solution. Here are some approaches for handling mealtime in a respectful way that invites cooperation:

·                  “We haven’t any carrots today, just peas. We can have carrots tomorrow if you’d like.”

·                 “I can’t make you eat them, but I think you should give the peas a try.”

·                 “I see you are not hungry anymore. I guess lunch is over.”

·                  “Fruit and yogurt is the dessert for today, ice cream is a weekend dessert in our house.”

·                 “You don’t like the dinner tonight? How about you and I plan a couple of meals that you would like.”

While we cannot make our kids eat anything they don’t want to eat, neither can they make us give them choices we are not willing to offer.

Please call 416-944-0412 for information on our Courses and Talks…

Parenting the Younger Child: Raising Great Parents  

Preteen/Teen: Yes, You Can Have a Good Relationship

All the best,

Doone & Beverley

P.S. Early Bird Special ends April 6^th!

Making NEW Habits - Your Behaviorial System

It's that time of year to reflect on possible changes, changes for the better. Here's a post that explains how to approach change for more success...

Fold your arms. Which arm is on top, your left or your right? Do you know why?

Stand up for a minute and take a walk to the door. Which foot did you step out on? Why?

Sign your name. Sign it again. Are each of these signatures exactly alike?

Ever since you were born you have been learning new behaviors. At this age, you now have two different kinds of behaviors: organized and re-organizing. Your organized behaviors are habits, routines, things you do without hesitation. At this point in your life they feel automatic. But the first time (and several times following) you did them, they were new, creative and re-organizing.

Now you can fold your arms, step out on your right or left foot and sign your name without hesitation or having to think about it. You just do it. That’s because you have been doing each of these things for a long time and frequently enough that these behaviors are organized and habitual.

Any time you decide to change one of your behaviors, whether that be primarily an action, or a thought, or a feeling or emotion, you are re-organizing. This is difficult, challenging and hard to do. The more you practice this new behavior, the more automatic or habitual it will become. But this takes time, patience and presence. You have to remember to do your new re-organizing behavior before you fall back on the organized habit.

William James, father of the principals of modern psychology, said it took about three weeks of practicing a new behavior before it began to be habit. More modern research indicates the time to develop a new habit using re-organizing behaviors may take up to 6 months. The difference between these two time frames probably has something to do with how involved or complicated the new habit is. You can probably adapt to changing where your waste basket is in three weeks. But changing your automatic thoughts about the unfairness of your life to feeling grateful for today’s sunrise with a new opportunity to meet and greet others in the world may take up to 6 months of your conscious practice.

Today choose a new practice from your re-organizing behaviors for improved mental health & happiness. Keep track of how long it takes for this new practice to become an automatic habit. By now your daily challenges have given you lots of new ideas from which to choose. But if you don’t like any of these ideas, let your new re-organizing habit involve asking family and friends what they each do to improve their mental health & happiness. See if you can find one worth practicing yourself. Or spend some quiet, contemplative time and tap into your own creative, re-organizing system.

Here are a few more you could consider:

• Brushing and flossing your teeth twice a day
• Smiling all day long whether you are with another person or not.
• Eating fresh, locally grown fruit with every meal.
• Saying Thank you out loud every waking hour of your day.
• Spend 30 minutes a day (at least) outside in nature.

Keep track of your progress. Are you remembering to do your new re-organizing practice? Do you need to set up a system to help you be more conscious and conscientious? Make a guess how long you think this new practice will take before it becomes a habit. Put a star on your calendar for the day you believe your new practice has become a habit.

Make Today a Happy One,

The Team at Mental Health and Happiness
A Subsidiary of The William Glasser Institute - US.

The Ticket to Happiness - for you and your child

Feeling happier is easier than you think. Dr. Glasser, founder of Choice Theory psychology, has a daily challenge to better health and happiness for 2016.  Here’s a tip from a recent post…

“All behavior is total. What that means is that acting, thinking, feeling (emotions) and physiology (what’s happening in your body) all occur simultaneously. When one component, such as acting, is changed everything else changes too.

In other words, if you're feeling blue, or grumpy, or even depressed, and you smile (change your action) your thinking, feeling and physiology will change. Smiling can help you feel better! This is true whether the smile is authentic, faked, or manipulated by putting a pencil horizontally between your lips and teeth.

Other benefits? You are more attractive to other people when you smile. Smiling is contagious, as in smile and the world smiles with you. And smiling reduces your body's stress response.

Today spend your day smiling. Smile at your kids and your pets. Smile at other people, whether you know them or not. Smile while you are driving, reading your emails, washing dishes, walking and playing the piano. Smile while you eat. In fact, every time you see the color red, smile. Don't want to smile at red, then choose another color. And don't forget to smile especially warmly and sincerely when you see and speak with those people you love.”

Other resources to up the happiness quotient in your family!                

      ·      Take one of our popular parenting courses -> Raising Great Parents; Teens: Yes You Can Have a Good Relationship

     ·      Google some laugh tracks and get laughing! Here’s one to get you started.

Make Your Day a Happy One!

Beverley & Doone