All of us "flip our lids" sometimes. We’re
human. When it’s our child, it usually comes in the form of a tantrum, whining,
hitting or crying. Often these behaviors indicate a child’s lack of skill to
self-regulate (the ability to monitor and manage emotions, and thoughts).
Self-regulation is important because it helps a child to focus their attention
and behave in socially appropriate ways, even when life gets
tough. Research shows that a child’s ability to self-regulate is a more
robust predictor of long-term success than academic achievement.
The encouraging news is that
self-regulation can be taught. The skill develops slowly over time so it’s important not
to expect the same ability from a 3-year-old as from a 7-year-old or 17-year-old.
Mistakes and Making Repairs
The process of making a repair after flipping our lid is
critical. So when we parents become unglued, it’s important that we model taking
responsibility for our actions and for repairing the relationship. Here are
four suggestions that encourage the process of self-regulation inspired by
fellow Adlerian, Dr. Jody McVittie:
1. Re-gather: Take the time and space that you need to calm back down.
(i.e. “I ‘m starting to feel a little tense, so I’m going to take a few minutes
of quiet time to calm down.”)
Tip: Get your kids to help brainstorm ways to calm down.
Such as, practice some deep breathing, go for a walk, listen to music, count
backwards, wiggle toes or fingers, get some fresh air, and look at nature.
2. Recognize: Internally acknowledge your mistake without shame and blame
(i.e. "I blew it").
Tip: Pay attention to
the things that trigger you and plan ahead how you will respond
the next time.
3. Reconcile: Apologize without making excuses. Keep it VERY brief and
acknowledge your mistake (i.e. “I’m sorry for yelling,” or “I shouldn’t have
spoken to you like that,” etc.). Tip:
Saying sorry isn’t enough. Make a plan for improvement too.
4. Resolve: Share what you will do to make it different next time. What are
you going to try? (i.e. “Next time I will count backwards when I’m frustrated
instead of yelling.” or, “Next time I will ask you what happened before I jump
to conclusions.”). Tip:
Ask your children for their help. (i.e.” Next time you see me about to flip my
lid, will you let me know?”)
An adult repairing their mistakes (and relationships) in this
manner is powerful modeling to children. It sends an important message - everyone can make a mistake, and in our family we take ownership of our mistakes and we do
our best to do better for the next time.
Want to learn
more about how to self-regulate? Here are some resources:
·
Dr. Bruce Perry,
a respected leader in the field, shares some of the neuroscience involved in
self-regulation.
·
Improve the way you communicate with your children: Sign up for our How to Talk so
Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk course – last time offered
this year!
· Books are a great way to explore this topic with young children: How Do Dinosaurs Say I'm Mad! by Jane Yolen; and Jared's Cool-Out Space by Dr. Jane Nelsen.
· Download this feeling faces chart for free! Helps children identify and name their feelings.
Questions? Please leave a comment or get in touch!
Warm regards,
Beverley Cathcart-Ross &
DooneEstey
Co-authors of Raising Great Parents
