“Research shows that physical punishment of a child can actually change the brain’s neural pathways, setting him or her up to use similar force as a parent later in life. Ending the cycle of violence isn’t easy but it can be done.” Globe and Mail, September 19, 2014Parents often ask us, “If I adopt your collaborative approach to parenting, can I discipline my child when things aren’t working? How?”
Effective Discipline Tools
Alternatives
to punishment is such a vital focus for parents that we decided to dedicate our
next few newsletters to guiding parents on how to incorporate discipline in a
positive and encouraging way into their family life.Messing up is normal in any family.
Kids
draw on the wall, they break a vase when they’re jumping off the sofa, or they
might even steal money to buy candy at the store. It might be a simple mistake,
something they didn’t think through in advance. Or it might be intentional,
repeated behavior. If it is, you can be pretty sure that something is driving
this behavior and the most helpful thing we can do is figure out what it is.
Then we can look for a solution with our child.
Valuable Resource
When
things go wrong, we can depend on an incredibly valuable resource – our own
child’s natural creativity and ability to solve problems. Kids are our greatest
resource. Figure them out, and they can move from resistance to cooperation.
They have lots of ideas, they’re creative, and they respond to problem-solving.
One of
the most effective lines we can use when our child has messed up is this one:
“What do you think you can to do about this?” Here we are asking our child for
their ideas to solve the problem, and it can transform a potentially ugly
confrontation into a creative problem-solving exercise.
Last Resort
When a
child continues to disregard solutions or decisions agreed upon, then it’s time
for follow through. But instead of dishing out a consequence we’d like you to
consider what we call taking the Logical Next Step.
The 3R Rule for Logical Next Steps
Whenever
we feel the need to follow through on a behavior with a Logical Next Step it
needs to pass this litmus test: The 3R Rule – Respectful, Reasonable, Related.
1. Be Respectful
Your
tone should show respect for your child. Instead of “How dare you ...” you can
say, “This isn’t working today, so we need to leave.”
Dreikurs,
a renowned American psychologist, put it this way: If logical consequences are used as a
threat or imposed in anger, they cease being consequences and become
punishments. Children are quick to discern the difference. They respond
positively to logical consequences; they fight back when punished.
2. Be Reasonable
Going
home when a child is acting up in a restaurant is a reasonable solution.
Telling the child they won’t ever come to a restaurant with you again would be
unreasonable.
3. Relate the Step to the Behavior
A
Logical Next Step must be related to the behavior. Leaving the restaurant
passed this test. If you say to one child, “If you hit your sister, you won’t
have dessert,” it doesn’t follow. If your child talks back at the dinner table,
and you say, “No TV tonight,” it won’t make sense. He’ll only resent you for it
and feel the need to retaliate.
When
used properly, Logical Next Step is a very effective way to respond to a
child’s negative behavior. Children do recognize when they are given chances
but choose to disregard all efforts. They do see the fairness and they will
come around.
In our next newsletter, we’ll share with you our thoughts
and solutions for some of the typical challenges parents bring to us.
