Our Top Picks to Nurture Appreciation & The Spirit of Giving

All children have what it takes to be appreciative, contributing and compassionate – it’s in our DNA. However, incorporating these is something that happens over time.

It starts with the early teaching of manners – such as saying please and thank you. This can graduate into giving them feedback for their thoughtfulness or contributions around the home. ”Thank you for clearing the dishes from the table. Clean up will go faster now!” models appreciation better than, “I am so proud of you for helping.” You want to stroke the deed instead of the child.

While it may seem counter-intuitive, children contributing around the home helps them become much more appreciative of the efforts of others. Let them choose weekly jobs they would like to learn – making a salad, brushing the dog, cleaning a bathroom, emptying a dishwasher.

How to shift the focus from getting to giving

Determine the values you want your children to learn. Decide ahead of time your budget for gift-giving. With so much focus today on being environmentally friendly, it’s a perfect time to discuss the idea of reducing consumption with your children. Make a commitment as a family to leave a smaller footprint on the earth.

Our Top Picks - Here are 12 creative ways parents have shaped a better holiday experience for their families:

1. Instead of making lists of things we want to get, we all sit down at Thanksgiving and make lists of things we want to do together as a family during the holiday season. For example: old movie night, or board games, or cross-country skiing. This also helps instill family traditions (my daughter's list always includes watching “It's a Wonderful Life” and having fondue) and helps to emphasize that what we value most is our time together.


2. We make a special effort to model doing acts of kindness - shoveling a neighbor's walk, inviting a single person to a holiday dinner, or offering the mail carrier a cup of hot chocolate.
3. One idea our family will be trying out this year is called "Advent Angels." Each person in the family draws another person's name. He or she becomes that person's Advent Angel during the Advent Season. The advent angel is to do kind things for his or her person without letting that person know who is doing it. On Christmas Eve we will reveal who is each person’s Advent Angel and the Angel will give that person a homemade gift. 
4. Take the opportunity to have the children go through their toys and books. We all have things that are just like new but we don’t use. Then prepare a "care package" for a needy family.
5. Work at a local soup kitchen/shelter serving a meal during the holiday season, or volunteer at a local hospital or nursing home. 
6. Request that grandparents and others put money into an education fund instead of buying too many toys. Education funds, ideally, can be used to fund Zoo/Museum memberships, sports, music, theatre, other lessons, and summer camps that broaden the horizons of children and youth, but drain family budgets.
7. Even young children can be involved in making cards and small gifts. Get ideas from books in the library or on the internet and use materials found at home. 
8. We decided to say "no" to a lot of the invitations and activities of the season. We selected one adult-only activity for the holidays, and spent the rest of the time doing family activities. 
9. Each of us in the family writes out 10 things we appreciate about each other and read them on Christmas Eve. A great way to teach kids how to express their appreciation for others. 
10. We give our daughter experiences throughout the year. We print gift certificates to “a day of ice skating with two friends” or a “professional manicure”. This way, we don’t overspend, and we have fun things to do with her the entire year! 
11. As a family we always visit our local art museum and go through the “period rooms” which are decorated for Christmas. It gives us an opportunity to talk about how families from different times in history celebrated the holidays.
12. Every year we designate a special “baking day”. The whole family bakes cookies and other holiday treats. I make it a point to bake my mother’s sugar cookie recipe written in her own hand and talk to my children about when I used to do the same with grandma. It is a wonderful generation touchstone. We bake enough that we give 5-6 dozen to the local soup kitchen. 

      Acknowledgements: Tracy Chapell;   Raising Likeable, Responsible, Respectful  Children...

Many of you have already taken advantage of the great savings in our Holiday Sale, but if you haven't had time, here's your chance before these prices end at midnight Monday, December 22.

Click for Parenting Courses; Audio Parenting Series; Our book - Raising Great Parents.

Doone and I send our heartfelt wishes to all of you for a happy and peaceful Holiday Season, along with our thanks for being a part of our community. 

Warmly,

Beverley and Doone

Do We Put Too Much Emphasis on Children’s Gifts at Holiday Time?

The December holidays are no doubt a time for gift giving, but how much is too much?

By Jennifer Collins

It has always been a priority to make Christmas just as wonderful and magical for my own children as it was for me. To make lots of memories and to spoil them a bit, too. But recently my husband and I have decided to scale back the focus on gifts. We notice the bins of toys the kids neglect, the puzzles that are never put together, the dolls that aren't played with. Our kids have more than they need. More than they want. 

A couple of weeks ago I asked my children if they could remember what gifts they received last Christmas. They could only name one or two. What did they remember most about our family Christmas traditions? My daughter said she loved going to the nursing home and singing to the residents. My son’s memories were about making holiday-themed cookies and wearing Christmas pajamas while reading “Twas the Night Before Christmas” before bed on Christmas Eve. And of course they remembered the shenanigans of our elf “Cole” that stays with us from Thanksgiving to Christmas and reports their actions to Santa each night.

My children remember more about the gifts they've given others than the presents they received themselves—such as the customized pencil-and-crayon vase my daughter gave her first grade teacher and the glittery hand-print ornament my son made for our tree. They've picked out special toys for children their age from the Angel Tree and have dropped coins into the Salvation Army’s red kettle. My children seem to understand intuitively that the true joy of Christmas is connected to the thoughtful and careful process of giving.

This year we are doing Christmas differently. We will give our children fewer things and yet enrich their lives with more of the holiday experiences they remember so well from the past. They will be receiving a few handcrafted gifts from us and some items that they have on their lists— a sword, Lego and pajamas for our four-year-old; craft supplies and books for our eight-year-old. But they won’t be receiving any of the extra “fillers” that always seem to creep in. Our kids seldom have lists that are miles long. We are the ones that over-do it each year. We are the contributors to their overflowing, neglected toy bins.

This Christmas we are also going to spend more time serving others and looking for ways to help out in our community. We will sing Christmas carols in the nursing home again. We will make a pet food donation to the local animal shelter. My daughter also wants to bake cookies for the local police and fire departments. We have one project for each weekend of the month leading up to Christmas. Our new tradition.

Yes, our kids enjoy Santa and stockings, and all the typical holiday fun. But ultimately, for us, Christmas is a religious holiday. And I am thankful that we have put the tradition of giving—not receiving—back at its core.

Jennifer Collins is a mom with a day job and she likes to write about her victories and messes along the way.  This was her contribution to Brain Child - the magazine for thinking moms.

Christmas gift ideas for mom or dad! Still time to receive for Christmas. 

• Register in a Parenting Course
• Great stocking stuffer under $15 - our Audio Parenting Series. Each is packed with over 60 minutes of parenting tools and peace of mind. Available in either CD or Download format.

Discipline That Teaches without The Hurt

“Research shows that physical punishment of a child can actually change the brain’s neural pathways, setting him or her up to use similar force as a parent later in life.  Ending the cycle of violence isn’t easy but it can be done.”  Globe and Mail, September 19, 2014

Parents often ask us, “If I adopt your collaborative approach to parenting, can I discipline my child when things aren’t working? How?”

When they say the word discipline, they usually mean some form of punishment, or at least a consequence. There’s a lingering myth that a child needs to suffer to learn. That’s not what we believe. When things go off the rails, which they inevitably will, we want to provide a chance for our children to take responsibility for it, make amends, and learn from it.

Effective Discipline Tools

Alternatives to punishment is such a vital focus for parents that we decided to dedicate our next few newsletters to guiding parents on how to incorporate discipline in a positive and encouraging way into their family life.

Messing up is normal in any family.

Kids draw on the wall, they break a vase when they’re jumping off the sofa, or they might even steal money to buy candy at the store. It might be a simple mistake, something they didn’t think through in advance. Or it might be intentional, repeated behavior. If it is, you can be pretty sure that something is driving this behavior and the most helpful thing we can do is figure out what it is. Then we can look for a solution with our child.
 

Valuable Resource

When things go wrong, we can depend on an incredibly valuable resource – our own child’s natural creativity and ability to solve problems. Kids are our greatest resource. Figure them out, and they can move from resistance to cooperation. They have lots of ideas, they’re creative, and they respond to problem-solving.

One of the most effective lines we can use when our child has messed up is this one: “What do you think you can to do about this?” Here we are asking our child for their ideas to solve the problem, and it can transform a potentially ugly confrontation into a creative problem-solving exercise.

Last Resort

When a child continues to disregard solutions or decisions agreed upon, then it’s time for follow through. But instead of dishing out a consequence we’d like you to consider what we call taking the Logical Next Step.

The 3R Rule for Logical Next Steps

Whenever we feel the need to follow through on a behavior with a Logical Next Step it needs to pass this litmus test: The 3R Rule – Respectful, Reasonable, Related.

1. Be Respectful

Your tone should show respect for your child. Instead of “How dare you ...” you can say, “This isn’t working today, so we need to leave.”

Dreikurs, a renowned American psychologist, put it this way: If logical consequences are used as a threat or imposed in anger, they cease being consequences and become punishments. Children are quick to discern the difference. They respond positively to logical consequences; they fight back when punished.

2. Be Reasonable

Going home when a child is acting up in a restaurant is a reasonable solution. Telling the child they won’t ever come to a restaurant with you again would be unreasonable.

3. Relate the Step to the Behavior

A Logical Next Step must be related to the behavior. Leaving the restaurant passed this test. If you say to one child, “If you hit your sister, you won’t have dessert,” it doesn’t follow. If your child talks back at the dinner table, and you say, “No TV tonight,” it won’t make sense. He’ll only resent you for it and feel the need to retaliate.

When used properly, Logical Next Step is a very effective way to respond to a child’s negative behavior. Children do recognize when they are given chances but choose to disregard all efforts. They do see the fairness and they will come around.

In our next newsletter, we’ll share with you our thoughts and solutions for some of the typical challenges parents bring to us.

Until then, keep well!

Beverley & Doone 

Other Resources:

• Parenting Courses
• Teleseminar: Self-esteem
• From our Audio Parenting Series: Setting Limits - Clear and sensible approaches to discipline Packed with over 60 minutes of parenting tools and peace of mind. In either CD or Download format.

 

 

Time to tear your kids away from their devices...

We are definitely on the 'waning' side of summer - a realization that I hate to even think about! BUT, there is still time to inject some summer fun in these final weeks before the frantic pace, synonymous with the school year, sets in.

This post by Catherine Ross may be just the spark you need to tear your kids away from their devices!

Some of my earliest childhood memories are of playing games like hide and seek and blind man’s bluff with the kids in the neighborhood. We were a bunch of 8-10 kids who would gather in the biggest garden available (which was, luckily, ours) or the park every evening around tea-time and spend at least two hours together. We would either play one of the above mentioned games or simply make up new and innovative games of our own, squealing away as we chased each other. And the feeling of accomplishment which came with emerging as the winner in such games was unparalleled – we would strut around the house all evening, proudly proclaiming the same till our moms shut us up!

Another vivid memory is the annual treat of going out camping with dad for a weekend in our summer holidays. My younger brother and I used to start badgering him a week before the summer vacations actually began – eventually he would have to give in and then off we would go, with our sleeping bags in tow. One particular summer, dad was out of town for the entire duration of the holidays and we were particularly morose until our mum came up with a brilliant idea – we ended up camping with our tents and sleeping bags in our very own backyard!

However, if you ask my kids today what activities they enjoy the most, they would probably say it’s the PlayStation game ‘EyePet and Friends’, ‘Temple Run’ or some such online or mobile game. Playing outdoors would never figure in their list of activities at all, let alone favorite activities!

A study carried out in the USA titled – An Investigation of the Status of Outdoor Play – came up with the following major findings:
* Children in the USA today spend less time playing outdoors than the previous generation.
* The number of regular play activities is higher for indoor activities than outdoor ones (96 per cent kids watch television regularly, 81 per cent play online games every day).
* Obstacles to playing outdoors focus on the child’s increased use of television and computers at home.

Then comes the question: Does it matter? After all, one should change with the changing times. In the present age of tablets, smart phones, cable TV, Facebook and YouTube, is it actually important for today’s kids to know the difference between the daisy and the chrysanthemum, a fowl and a chicken?
I don’t think kids would be affected as adults if they don’t know the difference between two different species of plants; what would matter more is picking up qualities like problem-solving skills, cooperation and teamwork, which they could have picked up while getting dirty climbing trees and splashing through mud puddles with other kids. These little joys of childhood learning are slowly but surely disappearing today.

Outdoor activities and being in the lap of nature, teach things which online learning cannot match. First of all, outdoor games are multi-sensory activities wherein you can touch, hear, see and smell things. It is an imaginative process, where there are no pre-conceived ideas and you can change rules to suit your needs. Interacting with other people in person develops a certain level of empathy and understanding between fellow beings plus improves communication skills, which is impossible in the case of online learning. And last but not the least, kids build up their immunity levels and keep themselves fit with all the running around. Would all this be possible if they were cooped indoors all day, with a touch screen tablet in their hands? No way!

So when Richard Louv writes: “We have such a brief opportunity to pass on to our children our love for this earth, and to tell our stories. These are the moments when our world is made whole. In my children’s memories, the adventures we’ve had together in nature will always exist…”, I completely agree with him. Because it is possible to strike a balance between the time our kids spend indoors and the time they spend outdoors, in order to make them have the best of both worlds.

After all, in the summer, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt. That’s the fun of it. Don’t we owe it to our kids?

Author Bio: Catherine Ross is a full-time stay-at-home-mum who believes learning should be enjoyable for young minds. An erstwhile elementary school teacher, Catherine loves coming up with creative ways through which kids can grasp the seemingly difficult concepts of learning easily. She believes that a ‘fun factor’ can go a long way in enhancing kids’ understanding and blogs at http://kidslearninggames.weebly.com/

Now, I'm going to get off this device and get dirty! Want to join me?
Warmly, Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross

Co-author of Raising Great Parents: How to Become the Parent Your Child Needs You to Be! Now Available! Order @ http://www.amazon.ca

Fall Parenting Courses now on our website... enjoy our Special Summer pricing too!

Review for "Raising Great Parents"

By Nathalie Foy

July has been our learning at home month, but, of course, not all learning is for the kids.  Parents are also always learning, and to recognize that learning process as on-going and ever-lasting is one of the most important tools in our parenting tool kit.

I learned a lot about myself reading this book.  I am, by nature, exactly the kind of controlling parent at whom this book is aimed.  “Step away from the rule book a minute and listen.  Attend.  Observe.  Relax.”  That’s what this book taught me to remember.

The authors of Raising Great Parents introduce the book by saying,

We realized that, to end the stressful conflicts with our kids, we had to start with ourselves.  We adopted a different form of parental leadership as it finally dawned on us that our challenge was not to raise great kids but to become great parents. (2)

I love how such a simple phrase turns the table: do not aim to raise great kids, aim to be a great parent.

How do you do that?

Begin by recognizing that the only behaviour you can actually control is your own.  Here is a great example: the kids are acting up at bedtime, arguing and disrupting book time.  Instead of barking orders to control them (“Stop fighting!”) or feeling powerless in the face of their behaviour (“Why are you ruining my special time?”), simply close the book and tell them, “I will read when the room is quiet.”

Now you have control–over yourself.  In effect, your words mean, “I can’t make you do it, so I will decide for myself what I will do in this situation.  I’m going to … decide what’s going to happen next — to me. (33)

The book is full of ideas and exercises to practice how to convert a dynamic of control into co-operation.  The vocabulary the authors use for modeling an exchange may not feel natural to you, but the exercises are useful for thinking outside of the usual box.  The tips for taking the yelling out of the morning routine were life-changing!  There is also a fabulous chart of age-appropriate chores for kids to do at home that will encourage you to give your kids a bit more responsibility and a lot more independence.

The book begins with asking parents to examine their own behaviours.  (Helpful.  Humbling.)  It then goes on to examine why kids misbehave and provides tools to guide families to a more co-operative dynamic.  It covers the greatest hits: misbehaving, punishment, the link between praise and self-esteem, and co-operative problem-solving.

If you are familiar with Adlerian approaches to parenting, this book will cover familiar ground.  The authors are all affiliated with Parenting Network, an organization that promotes parenting through cooperation and guiding our kids’ intrinsic motivation.

Full disclosure: I know one of the authors of this book, Beverley Cathcart-Ross, very well.  She’s family!  I’ve seen her in action hosting Thanksgiving dinner for 40 people without breaking a sweat.  She is grace in motion, and mostly unflappable.  If she says, “I will read when the room is quiet,” she means it, but in the nicest way possible.

Nathalie Foy is the mother of three boys, 13, 9 and 6, an avid reader and a former instructor of Canadian Literature at the University of Toronto.  She and her husband and sons live in downtown Toronto. Follow her @ 4Mothers1Blog.

Now Available!  Raising Great Parents: How to Become the Parent Your Child Needs You to Be! Order @ http://www.raisinggreatparents.ca

Do you have any comments about our book? We'd love to hear from you too!

All the best,
Beverley & Doone

Bossy Girls?

The most important point in Leah Eichler's recent "Bossy Girls" Globe and Mail article - link - is that the command and control approach is outdated, both in the workplace and the home.  This holds true for both men and women as well as employees and children - nobody likes to be ‘managed or bossed around’. The business model is flatter and more democratic now, as it is in many households.  
 
The autocratic and "father knows best" models are going the way of the boss's temper tantrums and the spanking of children.

Ordering people around doesn’t build high functioning employees or children.  We are better off focusing on emotional and social intelligence training as well as respectful and self-respectful assertiveness training to develop leadership skills in both genders.

Our new book, Raising Great Parents, deals with exactly this issue. It helps parents change their approach and build new skills for teaching their children how to be leaders in their own lives and good citizens. 


3 tips from the book:

• Focus on their strengths and point them out on a regular basis
• Let children problem solve and deal with challenges on their own as much as possible
• When your children are emotional, help them name their emotions and describe them - maybe even by drawing a picture

All the best,

Doone and Beverley

P.S. Come join our Launch Party! Tuesday April 8 from 7 - 8:30 PM @ Fairlawn Neighbourhood Centre - 28 Fairlawn Ave. Toronto, M5M 1S7

Mindfulness and children - is it even possible?

Mindfulness is a valiant goal - however Leah McLaren in her article in the Globe and Mail, might have more success if she came at it through the back door...

Another way to 'being present'

A weekly ritual we began when our children were very young we called our "Family Pow-wow". The kids would pile into our bed on a Saturday morning and we'd exchange appreciations. A chance to 'be present' and share our gratitude. As they grew, it became a "Family Celebration" around the breakfast or dinner table once a week.

The focus of the appreciations grew as well, from a material focus "Thanks mom for getting me new boots" to noticing thoughtfulness and caring "Thanks for reading me stories when I was sick in bed this week." 
The surprising present? Our children became comfortable with reflection and the sharing of thanks and appreciations with each other. A blessed break from sibling rivalry!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross

Co-author of Raising Great Parents: How to Become the Parent Your Child Needs You to Be! Now Available! Order @ www.amazon.ca

4 New Year's Resolutions That Will Change Your Child's Life

I am typically not a great fan of setting New Year's resolutions, particularly those that will add stress to my life. So this year I got inspiration from Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist, Katie Hurley. She suggests we teach our children to focus on things that really matter. To help them make choices that will lead to “improved emotional functioning, greater happiness, and lower stress.”
 
4 New Year's Resolutions That Will Change Your Child's Life: The first two are Hurley’s and the second two, ours.
 
Slow down:
I know you've heard it over and over again, but it's worth repeating. Kids are over-scheduled, running from activity to activity, barely stopping to eat. They're playing multiple sports in any given season and joining activities just because they can. They’re tired, cranky, and unable to sit and just be.

And their parents? To be honest, I'm not sure how they do it. But I do know that it is long past time to wake up from this generation of overachieving. That mini-Monet class is NOT what will eventually get your child into the university of choice. Give your kid a break. Give yourself a break. Learn how to listen to the quiet and slow down.

Unplug:

Technology is great and it certainly makes life easier. But it also creates a disconnect. Parents rely on it. Children crave it. Once the cycle begins, it can be very difficult to stop.

Make a decision to unplug more in 2014. Create your own "be present" box to store your iThings when it's time to focus on family, your spouse, or your friends. Show your children that life is fun and exciting without games and constant connection to the outside world.

Gratitude Muscle:

Research shows that concrete benefits happen when children learn to count their blessings. Young kids were asked to list 5 things they were grateful for each day for a two week period. The results? They had a better outlook on school and rated higher satisfaction in daily life compared to a group of children that listed 5 hassles. A similar study with teens reported significant results as well - less depression and envy, and a more positive outlook.*

And gratitude isn’t just for our kids! Couples also experienced lasting improvement to their relationship when writing a daily gratitude or appreciation for their partner.

An easy way to kick-start this with your family is to set aside one dinner a week where you each share a gratitude or appreciation for one another.

Be encouraging:

When you acknowledge your child for working hard on a project, or thank them for their contribution at clean up time, you send an important message: You and your efforts are valued in this family.

We all enjoy a pat on the back and so do our kids. They need to hear that the painting they created gives someone pleasure.  They need to hear that they dug deep out there on the soccer field and that their effort helped the team. Give them the words. Cheer loudly.

Here are some ideas to get you started …

• Describe: I noticed you helping your brother with his shoe laces; I noticed how you passed the ball to your friend so they could score a goal.

• Appreciate: I appreciated your help today; I appreciated your patience at the store.

• Believe in their ability: You can do this, I have seen you do things harder than this, I have confidence you can figure this out.

These 4 Resolutions share one common thread: They begin with you.

So as you consider possibilities for the New Year, keep your family in mind. Let’s resolve to ramp up the happiness quotient and decrease the stress.

---

*Other Resources:

Downloadable Handout: How to start a weekly Family Celebration

Improve your parenting skills. Check out our most popular courses!

Wall Street Journal article: A little gratitude goes a long way