Parenting Network: September 2013

We were on a cross country web chat answering parent’s questions on back to school challenges. It was a marathon Q&A and we're sharing the best with you here!

Q #1. I’m exhausted by the time I get my kids to school. How can I get them to pitch in and be more responsible?

Suggestions:

To begin with, all parents need to let go-

· Let go of being the alarm clock and snooze button for their kids. If we keep coming back and pestering them, they’ll just come to expect the service.

· Let go of taking responsibility for getting them dressed, fed, lunch packed, bag packed, teeth brushed and out the door. Given the opportunity, kids are capable of much more. Work out a plan or routine together and expect change to take time.

· Let go of fear. Fear that they’ll starve to death if you don’t force breakfast on them, fear their teeth will rot when there’s no time left to brush, fear other parents will judge you…

· Let go of needing things to go a certain way. If we want our kids to take more responsibility for getting themselves ready, we may need to accept that they won’t always do things the way we would or as well... at least for awhile.

Love doesn’t mean doing everything for our kids.
So where do we start? You may want to start by apologizing for doing too much for your children in the past and for not giving them the opportunity to take care of their own needs. After the laughter dies down have a meeting to discuss and create a new morning routine.

Q #2. Could you give me some tips for a good morning routine?

Here are some possibilities to get you started:

· Child has an alarm clock to wake them up (or a parent agrees to go in once!)

·         You take the time for a brief and sweet morning snuggle with your child
·         Child checks weather to determine clothing needs for the day
·         Dress before breakfast
·         Child contributes (sets table, scramble the eggs, pack lunch), then eats
·         Brush teeth at downstairs sink
·         Parent gives 5-minute warning before leaving time

Consider:
·         Get clothes and breakfast table ready the night before
·         Schedule time to enjoy each other (I used to read a 5-minute story to one child in the morning – then they were much more ready to cooperate)
·         Provide as much independence as appropriate
·         Most Important! Establish Routines Together

Q #3. My teenager spends the whole evening on Facebook and texting her friends. She stays up too late and is now sleeping with her phone. I’m ready to remove her computer and ban her phone. Am I unreasonable to set some limits?

This is a very common complaint from parents of teens, and I know it’s hard to stand by and let the consequences of them not functioning well the next day happen. Your role as a parent of a teen is to assist her in finding solutions to her problems and helping her develop independence around her life.

Some ideas:

Find a calm time to chat about her evening routine (this is not a lecture or YOU deciding). Start with a statement that shows you understand such as, “It’s early in the school year and I'm sure you're enjoying catching up with friends”. Then listen to her feelings.
Then share your concern with the lateness of her bedtime – keep it brief. Ten words are ideal. “I care about you and don’t want to fight about phones.” Explore with her what she could do to make it to bed earlier. Offer your help.
Agree on a few solutions together and test them out for a few nights. Check back in with her to see how it’s going. Go back to the drawing board if things are still not working.

Some suggestions that might be agreeable to test out: agree on a specific time that she’ll shut down her phone; agree that she’ll only check her facebook every 20 minutes while doing homework instead of every few minutes; leave her computer in the hall when she goes to bed

Q #4. My issue is my son – he’s a picky eater. His lunch comes home only half eaten every day. I’m worried about his nutrition and energy.

Possibilities to get you going:

· Find out why he’s not eating – could it be because he wants to play and runs out of time? Or perhaps his food embarrasses him? (my daughter is gluten-free and sometimes friends would tease her when she opened her lunchbox)

· Plan menus together
· Have your son help prepare his own lunch the night before – ownership often helps!
· Keep his body in a good rhythm by having mealtime at a consistent time each day

Q #5. I have a 3 and 5 year old, is that too young to help create a morning routine?

Even a child as young as 2 ½ years can participate in creating a routine. Give them a few limited choices such as, “Do you want your morning snuggle in your bed or my bed?”; “Do you want to help feed the dog before your breakfast or after?” When children have a say in creating the routine, they’re much more likely to follow it. It’s important not to give choices you’re not willing to live with.

With younger children it may be helpful to create a chart with photos of them doing each step – getting dressed, eating breakfast, brushing teeth, etc. Then the chart can be the boss not you – “What do you do next on your chart?” or“Please check the chart and see if there’s anything left to do before we go.”Here’s an adorable routine chart created by a 5 year old!

Q #6. My issue isn’t mornings, but bedtime. Any tips?

Possibilities for bedtime routines:

· Have your child help decide the order things will be done: Dinner, playtime, bath time,
tooth-brushing

· Story-time, sharing happiest/saddest times, hugs and kisses, good night, lights out

Consider:

·         Agree on solutions to issues ahead of time, such as– getting out of bed repeatedly, being hungry/thirsty, or afraid of the dark.
·         Let your child help get a glass of water for his side table, put a night light on, etc.
·         Let him know that this is your time now and you’re not available to visit when he gets out of bed. (If he tests - Lead him back calmly and without discussion.)

Q #7 How to engage a 13 year old girl to take responsibility for doing homework

I would say start by telling her that you love her too much to fight about homework every night. Then the two of you sit down and look at the options available.

Here are some possibilities:

·         Your role is to sit down for 5 minutes and review with her what needs to be done.
·         Then you are a resource when she needs you.
·         She can choose which time of the evening she is most ready to face homework.
·         If she is struggling to focus and stick with her homework then agree on short breaks.
·         If she hasn't completed her homework within a reasonable time, she closes the book for the evening and can either tackle it in the morning before school or take it to school incomplete.

While this is difficult for us to see our child go to school with her homework not done she needs to learn that responsibility means she handles the outcome of her choices. It’s also important that her teacher knows if the load is too much, or if a child is struggling with the material.

Q #8. How to get a 9 year old to focus not just on schoolwork?

I'm glad to see that you want your child to be well rounded because that is very healthy! You need to sit down and explore options with your child. Any ideas you come up with will not be successful without their cooperation.

It can sound like this:

· "It seems to me that you really love doing well in school and you love learning, that's wonderful! I would like to look at other things that you could become just as excited about."

· At this point it might be helpful to explore extra-curricular activities and come up with a list of options together and agree on something he’s willing to try out.

Q #9. My child won’t do anything for himself!

One of our key responsibilities as a parent is to eventually work ourselves out of a job!

We do this by developing our children’s independence. If you are doing everything you are keeping your child dependent on you. We want our children to have the inner confidence and belief that they can handle whatever comes their way.

· You can help your child build this skill immediately by inviting him to make decisions for himself. Toddlers can decide what clothes to wear and what cereal to eat in the morning.
· Let a child experience struggle and they will learn that they can cope!