The Hidden Danger of Rewards!

It seems pretty obvious that if you want to encourage a particular be­havior, you reward it – and if you want to discourage a behavior you pun­ish it. Right? Well, that is certainly how the world seems to work. Parents pay kids for grades, chores, and cooperation. Teachers offer stickers, stars and trips to the prize box for good behavior. Managers give employees bonuses for profit and production. And in the short-term, it seems pretty effective. When you take a closer look, how­ever, it doesn’t work at all. In fact, scientists and researchers have known for years that the carrot-and-stick approach is downright dangerous. Why has it taken so long for families and schools to catch on?

Daniel Pink examines the truth about rewards in a fascinating book called Drive. It turns out that the sci­ence of rewards is pretty scary. In fact, the time-honored system of carrots-and-sticks promotes bad behavior, creates addiction, and encourages short-term thinking at the expense of long-term creativity and growth. If you take a task that someone enjoys - they are “intrinsically motivated” – and offer a reward for it, that person will do less and less of the thing they originally enjoyed. One study rewarded three-year-olds, who loved to draw, for drawing pictures – and over time, the three-year-olds drew less and less.

It turns out that rewards can be useful for repetitive or mechanical tasks. But if you’re trying to encourage creativity, learning, or commit­ment to something greater, the side effects of rewards far outweigh the benefits. Goals imposed by other people, such as grades, sales targets, or standardized test scores often lead to cheating, short-cuts, and a decrease in ingenuity and creativity. Why? By offering a reward, you send a clear signal that the task must be undesirable. If it weren’t, you wouldn’t need a reward, right? And once you’ve offered a reward, you create an expecta­tion that a reward should be forthcoming every time the task is done.

In fact, rewards trigger the exact same systems in the brain that addic­tions do. As Pink puts it, “cash rewards and shiny trophies can provide a delicious jolt of pleasure at first, but the feeling soon dissipates – and to keep it alive, the recipient requires ever larger and more frequent doses.” This is why the child who was thrilled with a quarter to take out the garbage soon wants a dollar – and eventually won’t do the job at all.

Punishment isn’t so great, either, by the way. In one study, parents were told that they would be fined if they were late picking their children up from a child care center. The number of late pick-ups actually skyrocketed. Why? Before, parents made an effort to be on time out of consideration for their child’s teacher. When they were fined, they pushed back a bit – and felt they were entitled to the extra time because they paid for it.

f you really want to encourage hard work, learning, creativity, and commitment, don’t offer a reward. Invite the children and students to get involved for the sheer fun of it. See how creative they can be, and what ideas they have. They’ll actually be more motivated and have more fun if you leave the stickers and prizes out of it.

There is one approach that does seem to work, ac­cording to the research. If you wait until a task is completed and then offer connection and words of genuine encouragement and gratitude, people respond well. If that sounds familiar, it’s because Adlerians have been saying that for decades: connection comes before correc­tion, and encouragement is more powerful than praise and rewards.

If you’re curious about this, I highly recommend Daniel Pink’s book, Drive. You can also search on YouTube for Pink’s name and you’ll turn up some great short videos explaining more on the science of carrots and sticks.

Excerpt from an article by Cheryl Erwin, a mar­riage and family therapist in private prac­tice in Reno, Nevada.

Early Bird Special on Courses, Parenting CDs ends Thursday, December 19 @ midnight. Don’t miss out!

Tips to Keep You Sane this Holiday Season

Can you believe it is December 4th?  Are you ready?  Do you have a million lists running around your head and the nagging thought that there is simply not enough time to do everything? 

Here are some ideas, from busy moms and dads like you, to ease you into the holiday season:

1.     Break the tasks down into smaller ones and get started now.  Even if it is just getting out some boxes of decorations or recipes or buying some hostess gifts.  Take the first step to ease your way into the holiday spirit. 

2.     Make multiple lists: one for gifts, one for cards, one for food, one for decorating, one for charitable, one for seasonal and school events.  Prioritize and eliminate items as you go.

3.     Set 3-5 priorities each day, to be done in between putting out all the fires.  This way at least you’ll have done some of the most pressing tasks by the end of the day.

4.     Hire extra help.  If your children are older, consider paying them to help do things above and beyond their regular chores.  They can babysit, shop, wrap, decorate, cook.  If your children are younger, consider your friends’ university-aged kids who are home for the holidays and looking for part time work.

5.     Organize a shopping babysitting pool.  Together with a couple of friends, offer to host a kids’ play group while the other moms shop and then rotate so you get 2 afternoons to yourself.

6.     Do less.  A lot less.  Often parents will run themselves ragged trying to do too much and never saying “no”.  Don’t volunteer to bring homemade cookies to the class party just because of what the other moms will say.  And don’t feel guilty!  Your family would rather have a less accomplished, calm parent than a crazy Supermom or dad.

7.     Marshmallow Snowmen, Inuksuks and Igloos.  Unless you are really into them, never mind all those complicated crafts in the magazines.  Get some toothpicks, gumdrops and marshmallows and have your kids go creative. Use canned icing to stick on sprinkles, buttons, beads, ribbons or whatever other decorations you have around.

8.     Email cards and invitations.  Get recipes and shop online.

9.     Watch your party persona.  Don’t even think of overindulging in food and alcohol until the middle of December, when the season is in full swing, or January 2 will arrive with a vengeance.

10.  Be Mindful.  Relax your shoulders, take 10 slow deep breaths and do 5 different stretches every hour just to keep things in perspective and to truly appreciate the beauty and meaning of the season.

Our Holiday Sale is back...

For 2-weeks ONLY, we’re holding our special Holiday Sale on all of our Courses and products. The sale ends at midnight on December 20th, so go here now and grab Toronto’s best Parenting Courses at these great rates. Give the gift of family “peace and joy” all year round!

Parenting Network

416-944-0412

Cliques and Bullying – 3 Tips to Safeguard Your Kids

Girls and cliques and bullying are on everyone’s mind these days.  While bullying behavior is not necessarily happening more now than it used to, parents and teachers are more aware and more willing to discuss it in all  kinds of forums, and rightfully so.  Bullying hurts our kids and undermines the social fabric of our schools and our communities.

How do you help your preteen/teen avoid engaging in bullying behavior or malicious gossip?  As adults, are we contributing to the problem?

1.     Bullying is a learned behavior, a response to a child’s perception of themselves and the world around them.  Bullying and mean girl gossip have their roots in how a child is treated in his or her life. 

Whether at home - and that means us, along with brothers and sisters - or at school – and that means teachers, coaches and friends - everybody who has input into a preteen’s day has the potential to cause hurt.  This hurt, in turn, can lead to vengeful, cruel behavior.

2.     Everybody wants to fit in, and to belong. Many preteen/teens want to be accepted by the cool kids, to be popular and have high social status. Impressing others and competing for status is a full time task for insecure kids and it’s often achieved in dysfunctional ways. 

They go after a more vulnerable kid to make themselves feel superior.  A teen who is bullying often comes across as confident and in control, but underneath there can be a lot of self-doubt and suffering. Sometimes simply providing these teens with a positive leadership role will help them get their connection and worthiness in a useful and contributing way.

3.     It is up to us as parents and teachers to build our teens’ awareness of behaviors that can be hurtful to others. Help them see how much power they actually have when they make hurtful comments or mean remarks, even in jest.  When dealing with bullying behavior it’s vital to have our teens’ cooperation to work on solutions together. 

To do this, we need to show we care and earn their trust. Only then can we have an influence over their behavior and help establish more empathy for others – a key to turning the situation around.

For more information on how to have a better relationship with your teen, see our courses:

            Preteen/Teens

            How to Talk So Kids Will Listen 

      

All the best,

Beverley and Doone

416-480-2499

Parent Report Cards - how would you fare?

As parents, we spend much of our day evaluating our children’s performance – how well they do in sports and academics, are they reaching milestones in a timely manner and how are they measuring up? 

Just for fun, we thought we would turn the tables and stimulate some family discussions about your performance.  How do you measure up as a parent?  From your child’s point of view?  Here are some ideas to get you started:

1.    Do my parents start the day with a cheery “Good Morning” and a hug or do they start by telling me all the things I need to do to get ready?

 

2.    Do they give me lots of chances to do things for myself so I can practice and improve?  Things like tying my shoes, setting the table, climbing the jungle gym at the park or making a sandwich?

 

3.    Do they give me an age-appropriate allowance so I can begin to learn the value of money?

4.    Do we have regular or occasional family meetings so we can together discuss things like routines, menus, family outings and our daily schedule?

 

5.    Does Mom or Dad always jump in to fix things and give solutions rather than asking my opinion or teaching me problem solving skills?

6.    Do they treat me respectfully, even if I am not always respectful to them, so I have a good role model to learn from?

7.    Am I afraid Mom or Dad is going to be cross if I give the wrong answer when they help me with my homework or piano practice?

 

8.    Do Mom and Dad give in to me if I have a temper tantrum or do they help me see that even though I can’t have my way all the time, they care and help me deal with it?

 

9.    Do Mom and Dad apologize when they have lost their tempers or said something they really don’t mean?

 

10.  Do they end the day with a hug and an “I love you”, even if we have had the worst day ever?

 

 

Resources that will help you get a 4 star rating from your children!

            Parenting I: Raise Great Kids  

            Preteen/Teens

            How to Talk So Kids Will Listen 

     

All the best,

Beverley and Doone

416-480-2499

Get Out the Door in the Morning, Homework Showdowns and Other School Challenges!

We were on a cross country web chat answering parent’s questions on back to school challenges. It was a marathon Q&A and we're sharing the best with you here! 

Q #1. I’m exhausted by the time I get my kids to school. How can I get them to pitch in and be more responsible?

Suggestions:

To begin with, all parents need to let go-

·         Let go of being the alarm clock and snooze button for their kids.  If we keep coming back and pestering them, they’ll just come to expect the service.

·         Let go of taking responsibility for getting them dressed, fed, lunch packed, bag packed, teeth brushed and out the door. Given the opportunity, kids are capable of much more. Work out a plan or routine together and expect change to take time.

·         Let go of fear.  Fear that they’ll starve to death if you don’t force breakfast on them, fear their teeth will rot when there’s no time left to brush, fear other parents will judge you…

·         Let go of needing things to go a certain way.  If we want our kids to take more responsibility for getting themselves ready, we may need to accept that they won’t always do things the way we would or as well... at least for awhile.

 
Love doesn’t mean doing everything for our kids. 
            So where do we start?  You may want to start by apologizing for doing too much for your children in the past and for not giving them the opportunity to take care of their own needs. After the laughter dies down have a meeting to discuss and create a new morning routine. 

Q #2. Could you give me some tips for a good morning routine?

 
Here are some possibilities to get you started:

·         Child has an alarm clock to wake them up (or a parent agrees to go in once!)

·         You take the time for a brief and sweet morning snuggle with your child
·         Child checks weather to determine clothing needs for the day
·         Dress before breakfast
·         Child contributes (sets table, scramble the eggs, pack lunch), then eats
·         Brush teeth at downstairs sink
·         Parent gives 5-minute warning before leaving time

Consider:
·         Get clothes and breakfast table ready the night before
·         Schedule time to enjoy each other (I used to read a 5-minute story to one child in the morning – then they were much more ready to cooperate)
·         Provide as much independence as appropriate
·         Most Important! Establish Routines Together

  

Q #3. My teenager spends the whole evening on Facebook and texting her friends. She stays up too late and is now sleeping with her phone.  I’m ready to remove her computer and ban her phone. Am I unreasonable to set some limits?

This is a very common complaint from parents of teens, and I know it’s hard to stand by and let the consequences of them not functioning well the next day happen. Your role as a parent of a teen is to assist her in finding solutions to her problems and helping her develop independence around her life.

Some ideas:

• Find a calm time to chat about her evening routine (this is not a lecture or YOU deciding). Start with a statement that shows you understand such as, “It’s early in the school year and I'm sure you're enjoying catching up with friends”. Then listen to her feelings.
• Then share your concern with the lateness of her bedtime – keep it brief. Ten words are ideal. “I care about you and don’t want to fight about phones.” Explore with her what she could do to make it to bed earlier. Offer your help.
• Agree on a few solutions together and test them out for a few nights. Check back in with her to see how it’s going. Go back to the drawing board if things are still not working.

Some suggestions that might be agreeable to test out: agree on a specific time that she’ll shut down her phone; agree that she’ll only check her facebook every 20 minutes while doing homework instead of every few minutes; leave her computer in the hall when she goes to bed 

Q #4. My issue is my son – he’s a picky eater. His lunch comes home only half eaten every day. I’m worried about his nutrition and energy.
 

Possibilities to get you going:
 

· Find out why he’s not eating – could it be because he wants to play and runs out of time? Or perhaps his food embarrasses him? (my daughter is gluten-free and sometimes friends would tease her when she opened her lunchbox)

·   Plan menus together
·   Have your son help prepare his own lunch the night before – ownership often helps!
·   Keep his body in a good rhythm by having mealtime at a consistent time each day

 

Q #5. I have a 3 and 5 year old, is that too young to help create a morning routine?

Even a child as young as 2 ½ years can participate in creating a routine. Give them a few limited choices such as, “Do you want your morning snuggle in your bed or my bed?”; “Do you want to help feed the dog before your breakfast or after?” When children have a say in creating the routine, they’re much more likely to follow it. It’s important not to give choices you’re not willing to live with.

With younger children it may be helpful to create a chart with photos of them doing each step – getting dressed, eating breakfast, brushing teeth, etc. Then the chart can be the boss not you – “What do you do next on your chart?” or“Please check the chart and see if there’s anything left to do before we go.”Here’s an adorable routine chart created by a 5 year old!

Q #6. My issue isn’t mornings, but bedtime. Any tips?

 Possibilities for bedtime routines:

·         Have your child help decide the order things will be done: Dinner, playtime, bath time,
tooth-brushing

·         Story-time, sharing happiest/saddest times, hugs and kisses, good night, lights out

 

Consider:

·         Agree on solutions to issues ahead of time, such as– getting out of bed repeatedly, being hungry/thirsty, or afraid of the dark.
·         Let your child help get a glass of water for his side table, put a night light on, etc.
·         Let him know that this is your time now and you’re not available to visit when he gets out of bed. (If he tests - Lead him back calmly and without discussion.)

  

Q #7 How to engage a 13 year old girl to take responsibility for doing homework

 

I would say start by telling her that you love her too much to fight about homework every night. Then the two of you sit down and look at the options available.

 

Here are some possibilities:

·         Your role is to sit down for 5 minutes and review with her what needs to be done. 
·         Then you are a resource when she needs you.
·         She can choose which time of the evening she is most ready to face homework.
·         If she is struggling to focus and stick with her homework then agree on short breaks. 
·         If she hasn't completed her homework within a reasonable time, she closes the book for the evening and can either tackle it in the morning before school or take it to school incomplete. 

While this is difficult for us to see our child go to school with her homework not done she needs to learn that responsibility means she handles the outcome of her choices. It’s also important that her teacher knows if the load is too much, or if a child is struggling with the material.

Q #8. How to get a 9 year old to focus not just on schoolwork?

 I'm glad to see that you want your child to be well rounded because that is very healthy! You need to sit down and explore options with your child. Any ideas you come up with will not be successful without their cooperation.

It can sound like this:

·         "It seems to me that you really love doing well in school and you love learning, that's wonderful! I would like to look at other things that you could become just as excited about." 

·         At this point it might be helpful to explore extra-curricular activities and come up with a list of options together and agree on something he’s willing to try out. 

 

Q #9. My child won’t do anything for himself!

One of our key responsibilities as a parent is to eventually work ourselves out of a job!

We do this by developing our children’s independence. If you are doing everything you are keeping your child dependent on you. We want our children to have the inner confidence and belief that they can handle whatever comes their way.

·         You can help your child build this skill immediately by inviting him to make decisions for himself.  Toddlers can decide what clothes to wear and what cereal to eat in the morning.
·        Let a child experience struggle and they will learn that they can cope!



 For more resources:

 Check out our Fall Course: Raising Great Kids; Preteen/Teens; Dynamic Marriage; How to Talk So Kids Will Listen

 

 Hurry, our Early Bird Special ends September 22!

 

 All the best,

 Beverley and Doone

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What is the Single Most Powerful Ingredient in Learning?

Curiosity is the single most powerful ingredient in learning. Many studies show when kids are curious about something they:

• Learn it far more easily

• Remember it far longer

• Learn at a deeper level

It is not that kids become less curious as they get older; studies show they just do not express it explicitly as much as they did when they were younger. One reason is the way we are schooled. Stricter curriculums and the standardizing of tests pressure teachers to focus on getting through a protocol versus leaving time to ponder and enquire. By not fostering an environment to ask questions, children may feel worried about getting the right answer. This can hinder the very kind of wonderment important for development.

How to foster curiosity in your child

Creating an environment that encourages curiosity has to be genuine. The following suggestions are not milestones you want to achieve. Rather, try integrating these tips naturally into your own behavior and in conversations. 

Show what you don’t know… in other words, be inept!

Unsurprisingly, research shows kids explore more when adults model that type of enquiry. Although this intuitively seems obvious, many adults act to the contrary. Studies show teachers are more intent in keeping control of the situation or demonstrating their expertise during a class lesson.

Teachers and parents alike forget that an absence of knowledge, and interest in gaining new knowledge, is what models true learning. Next time you engage with your child, ask yourself: Do you want her to know you have all the answers? Or do you want her to see you know how to find an answer when you don’t know it? The latter teaches a child to enjoy the process of learning and discovery.

Create an environment of enquiry

Parents who ask questions have kids who ask questions. Ask your child questions around the dinner table, like why something works the way it does - particularly those pesky social devices attached to their hip - what they’re learning in science, or about characters on a favorite TV show. Share something you are curious about and demonstrate the joy of learning by seeking an answer for what you do not know!

Tolerate exploration at home

Constantly focusing on mastery, accomplishment and performance inevitably makes us less tolerant of wonderment. Let your child meander and follow that ‘urge to know more’. Young children are torn between listening to their biological clock telling them to explore and their parent telling them “No!” Be okay about mistakes and wee accidents in the name of exploring their boundaries.

When your child develops an interest – a fascination with trains, for instance - be patient. Nurture the interest: take her to an exhibit on trains at the museum, or watch movies on the topic. This way your child can fully indulge in the process of discovery, which is a key element in intellectual and creative development.

Key points

• Curiosity is an urge to know more

• Curiosity is essential for learning, as well as intellectual and creative development

• An urge to learn more about particular areas is called specific curiosity. A general urge for information is called diversive curiosity

• Babies who are more securely attached to their caregivers are more likely to follow their curiosity and explore their environment

• Emphasis on performance and achievement may explain why children become less overtly curious as they get older

Adapted from: Sick Kids Healthy and Happy.com

Have a great 'kid-friendly summer' of exploring and learning! Think you might benefit from some learning yourself? Check out our parenting products and enjoy some summer savings to boot. Here's our website link.

Stay well,
Beverley & Doone