Are you held hostage at homework time?

I recently participated in a cross-country Web Chat with parents, answering their questions on school and anxiety related issues. I’ll be doing a weekly posting of these Q & A’s.

Today, I’m kicking off with one parent’s homework challenge – many of you will relate!

Question from Kieran –

My 11 year old daughter doesn’t take responsibility for her homework and she insists that I help her every night! It always ends in a battle of wills. How can I get her to take charge without me?

Hi Kieran,
Many parents feel like a hostage at homework time. I’m glad to see you’re focusing on an important goal – that your daughter takes charge of her homework without you. It’s in our children’s best interest to become independent learners – unless we’re willing to be there for the rest of their school life!

A good place to start is to tell her that you love her too much to fight every night about homework. Then the two of you need to sit down and brainstorm a better way.

Here are 4 easy and effective problem-solving steps:

1. Find a calm time (Not after a 2 hour homework ordeal!)

2. Focus the conversation on her feelings – dig deep and show some understanding for her point of view. This is where you win her cooperation to help solve the problem. It could sound like this, “You seem to have trouble focusing unless I’m sitting with you. And it must be very upsetting when I pull away and won’t help. Is that how you’re feeling?” (Then zip it up and let her share her thoughts and feelings.) When you feel it’s been thoroughly explored move on to #3.

3. Focus on your point of view in 10 words or less! More than that and you start losing your child’s attention and interest, typically because we dredge up history, whine and complain! Here’s an ideal focus – “Our relationship is too important to fight over homework.” Or, “I love you too much to fight like this.” When you stick to the heart of the matter – which is the relationship – then she gets the message that you do care.

4. Solution gathering. Explore together your options and make a list. It helps to let your child start first. No ‘dissing’ each other’s ideas – this is blueskying time! Then review and narrow it down to a couple of solutions you’re both comfortable with. Agree to try these for a short period of time, perhaps 3 nights. Then check in at that point and see if it’s working. If it is, congratulate yourselves, and if it isn’t, go back to the drawing board and tweak it!

BONUS: When you engage your child in a problem-solving process you’re teaching them how to resolve conflicts in a respectful way. A vital skill in life!
There are many approaches that can be taken around homework. Since your goal is that she becomes an independent learner, I’d focus on solutions that will get you there!

Here are some ideas:

• Define your role. Perhaps you sit down for 5 - 10 minutes each night and have her review with you what needs to be done. Help her structure how she’s going to tackle the work, and then remove yourself and be a resource she can call on when she needs you. (This is weaning her away from her dependence on you! You may need to have some restrictions on your time, such as you’re only available between 7:30 and 9:30 PM)

• She can choose which time of the evening she is most ready to face homework. Perhaps even breaking into 2 chunks – some before dinner and some after.

• If she is struggling to focus then its ok for her to that a break.

• If she hasn't completed her homework within a reasonable time frame, she closes the book for the evening and can either tackle it in the morning before school or take it to school incomplete.

While it is difficult for us to see our child go to school with their homework incomplete, they need to learn to handle the outcome of their choices. We do our children a disservice when we protect them from these life struggles.

Here’s to some freedom at last Kieran!

If you’ve had some success with a similar situation please leave an encouraging comment for Kieran. Many thanks!

Check back for next week’s posting. Or even easier - these postings can come to you via Facebook. Simply take a moment and “Like” our brand NEW Fan Page. Here’s the link.

Warm regards, Beverley
P.S. Our Early Bird Special is on now! Courses for Winter 2011/12


Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, Certified Parent Educator, and Founder of Parenting Network.


You can get more of Beverley’s great ideas and tips in her Audio Learning Series – easily downloaded to your iPod or computer!
Topics include:
• Parenting Styles: Knowing when you’re too tough or permissive… & what to do about it!
• Cooperation at its Best: Easy strategies that will transform your family!
• Discipline That Works: Positive approaches to deal with a child's negative behaviour!
• Encouragement Skills: Helping a child’s self-esteem, confidence &... the perils of praise
• Power Struggles: Solutions for defiance, dawdling & other daily conflicts!

Instant cooperation with Your Teen

Here are 7 quick ways to inspire instant cooperation with a Teen:

1. Show empathy and understanding, “Wow sounds like you had a tough day.” And then zip it up and switch into listening. Or, “I hear you… raking leaves is the last thing you want to do with your Saturday.”

2. Adjust your attitude to fit the situation before you approach your teen because your attitude not only drives your behavior – it drives theirs. Welcoming, interested, enthusiastic and non-judgmental are really useful attitudes.

3. Open body language – open hands, uncrossed arms, etc. contribute to a welcoming attitude. Making eye contact helps too! I know this can be a tall order with many teens, but it helps create trust and can calm many a situation.

4. Give feedback, physical and spoken - nod, say “Mm hmm” “I see” etc. It helps a person feel understood and safe to share.

5. Tell them what you will do, not what they will do “I’m willing to serve dinner when the table is clear.”; “I would like to hear what you have to say, but this isn’t working for me. How about we come back to this in an hour when I’m calmer.” (saying “I’m calmer” is non-blameful)

6. Give a choice. “It’s your day to empty the dishwasher. Are you planning to do it before breakfast, or after?”

7. Share your feelings. “I really enjoyed our evening together. Thanks for joining us.” Less is often best with Teens.

More great suggestions in our Preteen/Teen-It's a Whole New Ballgame! course.

Acknowledgements: How to Talk So Teens Will Listen, by Adele Faber; Boothman’s Boost

Minute Moves

One of our main goals as parents is to help our children become less dependent on us! Children are ready from an early age to learn to be independent, gearing them towards a more self-reliant way of thinking. We found these fun and simple 'minute' activities on-line. The best part is that your child can complete most of them on their own, without any input from you! And bonus... they're educational!

SET UP

If you don't have one, I strongly suggest going out and buying an egg timer. Setting the timer and hearing it ring is great sensory reinforcement of time concepts. Alternatively, many smart phones have timer apps already installed, or you could find a few short, one-minute songs your child loves, using them as the timer for these games.

TO PLAY

Set the timer for one minute (or whatever time increment you believe your child can manage), then let them have fun! Use the following list as your starting point, then make up your own Minute Moves! But be sure not to make these games competitive. The idea here is to have your child understand what time feels like by playing and moving through time. Enjoy!

How far can you run in a minute?
How much sand can you scoop in your bucket in a minute?
How many times can your roll over in a minute?
How many blocks can you stack in a minute?
Can you hang from the monkeybars for a minute?
Can you wiggle your toes for a minute?
Can you bounce a ball for a minute?
Can you stay still for a minute?
Can you brush your teeth for a minute?
How many kisses can you give mommy in a minute?

So why not give this a go and make sure to tell your child how well they are able to do these tasks on their own!

For more ideas check out 'Minute Moves!'

Why My Daughters go to Private School

Are you toying with the idea of private vs. public school? Parenting Network brings you an expert's opinion from 'Ourkidsmedia'. See what he has to say:

"Sure, the most common perception is that a private school education is only for the rich and privileged. And while that opinion might have some historical truth, I’d like to suggest a slight amendment to that statement that would make it more accurate:

Private school education is not only for the rich and privileged, but also for any parent who is willing to go into debt, those willing to fundraise, those willing borrow from family, those willing to volunteer time, and especially ONLY for those willing make massive sacrifices to their lifestyles, all for the sake of their kids.

In this three-part series of Like Father, Like Daughters, I’ll endeavor to explain why I chose to pay for something that I could have for free, and why I feel that it will pay great dividends in years to come despite the many sacrifices made.

I’ve sent both my daughters to a small private school, here in Toronto, since junior kindergarten and I by no means, fraternize with the Toronto’s society of the rich and powerful. I have however, humbly fundraised, borrowed, volunteered time and made numerous sacrifices over the past seven years, and I suspect that I will continue to do so over the next ten years. So why do I do it?
Very simply, I value the character formation of my daughters and I’m willing to beg and borrow for it.

Now keep in mind, I’m not suggesting that a private school would provide a better academic education than a public school, nor am I inferring that a public school education is inferior across the board. In fact, the level of academic excellence wasn’t even a deciding factor in the private vs. public education decision. My number one priority in educating my children is their character formation and ensuring that the virtues, values and traditions that they are taught at home and by the family are also instilled in their learning environment. Virtues such as faith, hope, charity, courage, fortitude, restraint, compassion, prudence, and love, I believe, would not be promoted let alone practiced consistently by the faculty, administration and students at the local Catholic public school. Everything else scholastic and athletic falls second in my books.
So, while in the process of deciding on a school, I spoke to several teachers from both the private and public sectors and even to a few who taught both. During that discourse, I found a common trait in their outlook which I found particularly interesting. Apparently, the teachers who taught in the public school seem to abhor parent-teacher interviews, whereas the teachers who taught in the private school commonly welcomed it, even promoting them more frequently, both formally and an informally.

Now why would that be? When I proposed my observation to the various teachers, the general consensus was typically consistent. In the public school system, there seems to be a natural discord in the relationship between the teachers and the parents. Its “Us against Them”. The Teachers vs The Parents, “You bring you kid here and let us do our job”. While I’m sure that it’s not the rule with EVERY teacher in the public schools but it does appear to be commonly accepted mindset.
Surprisingly, amongst the teachers employed in the private schools, there seems to be generally accepted understanding that the parents are the primary educators and their role as a teacher is to support and supplement the parent’s direction and mandate. They in fact insist that the parents become involved in various matters of the school. I certainly like that idea. If I have a set of principles that I work to instill in my kids at home, I want them reinforced in the school. I like the idea of teacher and school accountability to the parents, rather than to a “faceless” board of trustees."

BY: NOEL OCOL