The Hurt Cycle

Each of us is all too familiar with the pain caused by a loved one doing or saying something that deeply hurts us. In our practice the most common complaint we hear is “My partner’s behavior is often hurtful.”

And when we ask couples in our Dynamic Marriage/Life Partnership course which topic was the most helpful, the majority answer “The hurt cycle.” Because there is a way to deal with it!

What is the hurt cycle?

In our most intense relationship, the one involving our partner, we tend to be—not surprisingly—the most sensitive and can find ourselves caught in a cycle of hurting. Here’s how it works:

Our partner does something to us that we find hurtful, and the most common reaction is to retreat in pain. Just as we would if our hand touched a hot stove it would withdraw reflexively. We do this as a defensive measure. However, to our partner it looks as though now we’re withholding our love, which is viewed as an offensive response – which in turn makes them feel hurt! And no surprise, they typically lash back.

For example: my husband arrives home on my birthday without bringing me the flowers I expected. He asks me what’s for dinner. I feel hurt by his not acknowledging my big occasion and answer, “You can open a can of beans!” as I storm out of the room. My response comes across as cold and loveless. So now he in turn feels hurt.

After a while I realize how little the forgotten flowers matter compared to our relationship, so I approach him and try to make up. But he’s still in a snit and not ready to let go of his hurt. This in turn hurts me—again—and the cycle goes on!

There are two kinds of hurt

It’s important to understand that there are two kinds of hurt – physical and emotional. When we ask people what is more painful, the majority answer, without hesitation, that emotional hurt outweighs physical hurt.

But there’s another difference between physical and emotional hurt. When you break a leg, it hurts. There’s no getting around it, there’s no choice.
On the other hand, when someone says something to you that you find hurtful, you do have a choice as to how you’ll perceive it.

Here’s a story to explain what we mean: We were talking to an intelligent, accomplished couple who often felt hurt by remarks they made to each other. They felt they had no choice but to feel hurt. So we asked them, “Would you feel hurt if someone told you that you weren’t smart enough because you didn’t speak ancient Sanskrit?” They could then see that it was a decision, or choice, on an individual’s part as to how they perceived a particular remark. Of course the things we value most in life will put us at a greater risk of being hurt.

The choice is ours

Having said that, this intellectual understanding isn’t usually enough to erase the hurts we choose to feel. What is in our power is to decide how long we want to feel this hurt. The hurt comes up automatically and involuntarily; it’s a reflex, a knee jerk reaction, when one of our sensitive buttons is pushed.

So next time you’ll have this choice: you can stay sensitive and head down the path of the dreaded hurt cycle, or you can remind yourself that your life partner, who loves you, doesn’t deliberately want to hurt you. And that will help you nip this downward cycle in the bud!

Dr. Marty and Georgine Nash
Co-founders of Parenting Network

P.S. Click here to see all of our Fall Courses!

What participants are saying about this course:
"My husband and I took the Dynamic Life Partnership Course in the spring and we absolutely loved it!!! We regularly use the skills we learned. As facilitators, Martin and Georgine were knowledgeable, skillful, and warm." Anna Ballon

"This course provides a wonderful opportunity to take pause and reflect on your background and that of your partner to understand the dynamics at play in your marriage." Jody Wilson

Hands-on parents will raise dependent dependents

Now that the school year has begun, a question that we'll get asked again and again, is - "How involved in my child's homework should I get?" And just in time for the first school bells to ring, this article by John Rosemond, a psychologist and family therapist, landed in my inbox. And we've awarded him the first word (unlikely the last word) on this topic.




By John Rosemond

As the new school year begins, it's time for me, once again, to make my perennial case against parental involvement in homework.


First, it is significant to note that as recently as 40 years ago, little more than a generation, the rare parent helped with homework. That would be 1971, when scholastic achievement was significantly higher than it is today. (In addition, average expenditure per pupil, in real dollars, was lower and the teacher/pupil ratio was higher at every grade, but those are future columns.) Furthermore, I believe it is more than coincidence that when parents did not render regular assistance with homework, children emancipated more successfully and much earlier than is the case today.


Second, the notion that nightly parental involvement and micro-management (although school administrators and teachers will not call it that) of homework is a good thing arose from studies done in the 1970s that found that the parents of high-achieving kids newly arrived from Vietnam and other Asian countries actively participated in homework sessions. Somehow, it got lost that this was a main means for these folks to learn English, develop basic business math skills, and accelerate their assimilation. The practice was functional in that parochial context. The mistake was to assume that what was good for one cultural group would be good for all.


There is no evidence that actual achievement is enhanced through parental involvement in homework. After all, achievement has gone down as parental involvement has gone up. Grades improve, yes, but that is because parents make sure homework is returned to school virtually without error. And they drill their kids on upcoming test material to the saturation point. And then they are known, many of them, to complain if teachers do not give the grades they think their kids deserve. By that point, it is hard to tell whose grades they are.


In the process of all this involvement, kids fail to learn basic study skills, are deprived of the inestimable benefits of trial-and-error, and become increasingly dependent on parental help as parents, now heavily invested, become increasingly anxious about grades and take them as a sign of their own competence. That is called co-dependency. Meanwhile, teachers become increasingly dependent on parents to help them teach. I know of no other professional group that expects other people to help them with their job and not be paid for it.


The upshot of all this is that many college students are doing homework with their parents over the phone and online nearly every night, and many college professors have felt the wrath of parents who do not accept the grades they feel they and their children deserve. And employers even tell me that many of today's young people cannot seem to make independent decisions without consulting -- guess who?


"What do you recommend, John?" I was recently asked, to which I replied that I recommend parents take interest in their children's homework and make themselves available for limited assistance, but that their children's homework be, well, their children's homework — a not-so-radical notion.


A mother recently told me that on the first day of this school year, her eighth-grade son came home with a note from the math teacher informing parents of their homework responsibilities, which boiled down to one word: nightly. Because she has no intention of participating in this group-think, she asked my advice.


Write the teacher back, I said, along the following lines: "My child should be fully capable of doing whatever assignments you give him independently, and I expect him to do his best. If his best is not THE best, so be it. I want him to discover, on his own, his strengths and weaknesses so that he does not go to college and waste time and money discovering that, without my help, he is not a good math student. Please know that you will always have my full support if my child's performance or behavior becomes a problem."


Over the years, I have recommended this same response to many parents.
From what I am able to gather, their kids seem to do just fine, and in many cases, better.

Your thoughts? Please weigh in!

Welcome back, and have a great term!

Warmly, Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and Founder of Parenting Network.
Click here to find out about Courses for Fall 2011! See our "Bring a Friend/Partner Special"!

Back to School Jitters?

Back to school jitters? Do you have a little one going off for the first time? Maybe your child can’t wait to get out the door and you’re the one having the “empty nest” panic attack!

No matter what the scenario in your home, the end of summer and the back-to-school routine can be stressful. Here are a few ideas to help ease the transition for everyone:
- Take any advantage of any offer to go to the school to meet the teacher and see the classroom ahead of time. Even without a formal invitation, many schools are open and often teachers are setting up classrooms and don’t mind first timers coming by for a peek.
- At the very least, walk or drive over and have a look to familiarize your child with the building, playground, correct entrance, etc.
- Try to find out the names of some of the children in the class. Give one or two of them a call, and arrange a play date at the local park. Offer to host a couple of moms and children for coffee and then everyone will see familiar faces on the big day.
- Have your child do a practice morning run – get the new backpack and sneakers ready, find the camera, set the alarm clock, decide if playtime is going to be built into the morning routine, plan some breakfast menus.
I found that the strategy of “Monday is toast and eggs day, Tuesday is bagel and fruit day, etc. worked well, at least for the first few weeks. Let your child decide which options to have on which day to increase their sense of control over the process. (You provide the options however)

As a final consolation, don’t forget that children almost always manage better once you have disappeared around the corner than when you are still within sight. They pull themselves together and can focus on the task at hand rather than concentrate on missing you. The day will be over before you know it!

Stay well!

Doone Estey,

Partner, Parenting Network

P.S. Parents are signing up for parenting school too - see our Fall classes!