Communication - A Double-Edged Sword!

Communication is a double-edged sword. It works best when you say what you want, not what you don’t want. And in 90 seconds, you’ll know how!

My friend and author, Nick Boothman, wrote in a recent blog this “Apples and Carrots” story. The simplicity of this tool struck me right away and I had to share it with you! Look for my Tips below on how to use this great tool with your kids.

“I live on a farm in a very picturesque part of the countryside. One of my neighbors raises horses. At weekends people come out from the city to enjoy the sights and sounds of nature. Sometimes, they stop and feed my neighbor’s horses.

“They’re driving me nuts,” he told me one morning. “Horses don’t eat left over hamburgers and pizza: they’re vegetarians, for heaven’s sake! They just sniff it and drop it right there. Before long it attracts flies and rats and dogs. So, I put up a sign ‘Please Do Not Feed the Horses,’ but it got worse.”

“No kidding? Now people drive by and think, ‘Oh what a great idea, let’s stop and let granny and the kids feed the horses. This guy’s polite, he says ‘please,’ he won’t mind.”

“Nick, you’ve got to help me I’m at my wit’s end.” I scribbled a few words on a scrap of paper. “Try putting this on your sign.” I didn’t see him again until the end of summer. One evening his truck pulled up in my driveway and he got out smiling. “Nick, it worked like magic.”

That was three years ago. If you drive by today you can see the sign for yourself. It simply reads, “We only eat apples and carrots.”

Moral of the story: Communication is a double-edged sword. It works best when you say what you want, not what you don’t want.”

So here are some ways to put this simple idea to work for you: (I used some fairly typical parent comments to demonstrate.)

Instead of… “Don’t jump on the couch.”
Say… “If you want to jump, let’s get some cushions for the floor so you can jump safely.”

Instead of… “I don’t like reading stories when the 2 of you are bugging each other.”
Say… “I’m willing to read the story when things settle down.”

Instead of… “Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking.”
Say… “When I’m finished talking with your sister, I’d like to hear what’s important to you.”

Instead of… “Don’t come home late again tonight!”
Say… “I’ll see you at 11:00 PM.”

Pretty easy eh? So unless it’s a life-threatening moment, take out the ‘don’t’ and find a more respectful and positive way to say what it is you do want.

Until next time, stay well!
Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network.
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Free Range Parenting Blog – May 20, 2011

Would you let your 9 year old go on the subway by himself? The other night I went to hear Lenore Skenazy, who is known for 35 Google pages as the “world’s worst mom” for letting her son do just that, and from Bloomingdales in downtown Manhattan, no less (a tad on the early side is my feeling).

Lenore spoke about how there are too many helicopter parents and how parents drive their kids to the bottom of the driveway so they don’t get cold waiting for the bus (in the US).

She told how one woman vehemently disagreed with her friend for asking a Mom with two children to watch her baby in the Costco checkout line for a minute. She role played a busy mom deciding that this was the day to easily acquire another baby, and then explaining to her children why she was indeed leaving Costco with a stranger’s baby instead of the Goldfish and diapers etc. they had spent an hour trying to find.

Her point was that predators are actually very rare but because of high profile cases, the media, and parenting experts, parents are much more afraid, anxious and cautious than ever before. When it was my turn to ask a question, I explained that parent educators actually try to make things easier for parents, especially in helping children develop independence and responsibility.

The talk encouraged many comments and questions on both sides of the fence.

How much independence and responsibility should your children have? When are they ready to go out and about on their own? Some tips:

1. There are no hard and fast rules as to what children should be doing at certain ages. The developmental stage and personal judgment of each child should be taken into account. Discussion with other parents, discussion with your child and your own gut feeling are all important.

2. Don’t have your child blindly jump off the deep end, so to speak. Practice crossing the street with him, have her show you where to go on the subway, see if he comes home when he said he would for a first outing before agreeing to another solo adventure.

3. While abductions by strangers are indeed exceedingly rare, other concerns are valid. Children can get lost, their stuff can be stolen, they can feel threatened or bullied. Role play different scenarios with your child, asking them what they would do in certain situations. Who would they ask for help? What would they do if approached by a stranger? Can they pay attention to their possessions and surroundings?

4. I think this one is best of all – have them take first time challenging steps with a buddy!