Tips For Handling Your Child's Next Meltdown!

Q. My son has a meltdown or temper tantrum whenever he doesn’t get what he wants. How should I handle it? - Frazzled Mom

A. I’m going to make a guess that when your son “doesn’t get what he wants” there’s likely a parent and, perhaps the word “No” involved? It’s amazing how such a small word can trigger such a volcanic eruption from a child. And not only from a child, we can erupt too. Just remember how you reacted the last time one of your children said “NO!” to you when you made a request? Thought so.

One incredibly simple way to avoid these meltdowns is to use this great parenting tool - “Alternatives to No”.

Let me give you some examples.

To a young child, INSTEAD OF:
“No you can’t have a cookie. We’re about to have dinner.”

ALTERNATIVES TO NO:

• “When do we have cookies in our house?” (Tool – Letting the routines be the 'boss')
• “Cookies sound like a great idea. Should we put some on a plate for our dessert?” (Tool – Redirecting the child)
• “You sound very hungry. Since it’s just about dinner you can have some carrot sticks or a glass of milk. Which would you prefer?” (Tool – Giving a choice)
  

To a Teen, INSTEAD OF:
“No I can’t drive you to the Mall right now, can’t you see I’m busy making lunch?”

ALTERNATIVE TO NO:
“I will be available to drive you and Cheryl to the mall at 3:00 if you can wait ‘til then.” (Tool - Say ‘what you are willing to do’ to help your child or teen achieve their goal.)

ALTERNATIVES FOR MORE RISKY SITUATIONS:

• “It’s minus 15 degrees, so we all need our mitts today. If you don’t want to wear them now, you can put them in your pocket or in your backpack for later.”
  

• “We hold hands when we’re in a parking lot so that drivers can see us.” Or “You can hold my hand or my coat. You decide.”

(Tools – Giving Information, and Giving a Choice)

As you can see there are plenty of alternatives to saying “No”. When you invest a moment and help your child find a way to fulfill their desire, you turn a knee-jerk reaction “no” into a “yes” or a “maybe”. All it takes is a little practice.

And you’ve got to agree that not only does it sound better, but it gives you a better shot at cooperation too!

So here’s my challenge to you! Tomorrow go one entire hour without using the word “No”. The next day go two hours, and so on. You’ll be amazed at the results - fewer reactions from your child and more acceptance of the ‘needs of the situation’.

Good Luck!
Joy Morassutti

To help you make the shift towards more respectful, democratic approaches with your children check out our website Parenting Network for our listing of popular parenting classes and products.

Our family is giving the new AGO a thumbs-up!

My husband & I took a couple-only weekend away recently. We decided to take advantage of what our city has to offer. We spent Saturday touring the Art Gallery of Ontario & thoroughly enjoyed that.

We thought it was a great building. We loved the architecture, the galleries, and the art. We decided it would be a great destination for our children too.

As a result, I took the kids there over the holidays. Our 8-year loves drawing & enjoyed touring the galleries. She left behind one of her own contributions to the Gallery in one of the many “hubs” for inter-active and creative expression. Our 11 year old really connected with the contemporary art. I must say it's the most I've ever enjoyed looking at modern works, too. And the building that houses them is great fun too!

Need an idea for your next family fun-time outing? Consider the AGO. There's something there for all ages. Our family is giving the new AGO a thumbs-up!

- Joy Morassutti

What Kind of Parent Are You?

"Your children will become what you are, so be what you want them to be." - David Bly

One of our biggest parenting tools is what we role model to our children. So it’s a good idea to occasionally take stock of our approach as a parent since it follows us throughout our parenting years. And what better time than now, at the beginning of a New Year. So I devised this little test.

What Type of Parent Are You?
Read how the following 4 parents get a child out of the house in the morning, and see which one sounds most like you!


Parent #1
"How many times have I told you there’s no TV in the morning. Turn it off now or there will be no TV for a week."

"You still haven’t got your backpack ready. What is the matter with you? Your sister’s 2 years younger than you and she’s ready!"

"You need to put your mitts on or your hands will get cold today. It’s not a choice."

This is the Autocratic parent. Their Tool kit includes blame, threats, and commands - spiced up with a sprinkling of Fear.
The big problem we’re creating for ourselves when we behave like the boss is that our children have only one of two choices - submit to our demands, or be defiant. Neither leads to cooperation, independence or respect.


Parent #2
"Okay, okay. Watch some TV. Just stop the whining. And don’t think that means you can watch tomorrow."

"You’re so slow. Here let me handle your pack – just get your coat on. We’re going to be late again!"

"Fine, don’t take your mitts. You’ll wish you had listened to me when your hands get cold."

Permissive parenting is the opposite of Autocratic. Here the child runs the show and the parent is submissive.
Giving-in to the child, with much exasperation, is big in this Toolkit. Permissive parents tell me they walk on eggshells around their child. They’ll do anything to avoid another volcanic eruption.


Parent #3
"Why don’t you watch some TV while I get things packed and ready for the car. I’ll let you know when it’s time to get your coat on."

"Your pack is at the door. I put in some clean clothes for gym today."

"Here’s your coat and mitts – it’s time for us to go."

The biggest damage of Pampering is a child grows up with a sense of entitlement and no sense of responsibility.

Pampering is a new parenting style. The big difference between this style and Permissive parenting is that the parent overdoes for the child willingly!


Parent #4
On a good day when all the stars are aligned, we can sound more like this:

"I see the TV on. When is it we watch TV in our house?… That’s right, after school. If that show’s really important you know you can record it for later."

"It’s 5 minutes to leaving time. Is there anything you need to do before we go?"

"It’s a cold day today. If you don’t want to wear your mitts why don’t you tuck them in your pack should you change your mind later."


This is the Democratic parenting style. And I’m sure you’ll agree that these statements are dramatically different.

You definitely have a better shot of getting your child’s co-operation and respect with this parenting style. This is accomplished by focussing them on ‘the needs of the situation’, giving them more control over decisions and behaving in a respectful manner.


So which parenting style sounds most like you?
Most parents tell me that they dabble in a couple and swing like a pendulum from one style to another.

Either way, if you see some room for improvement you’ve taken the first step - self-recognition. Then it’s simply about learning some skills and replacing the unhealthy tools in your Toolkit with more respectful ones.

Like many of the important things in life, changing patterns takes time and practice. Just as it would if you were to take up a new sport or learn to play the piano.

So get the help or support you need and cut yourself some slack!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross

To help you make the shift towards more respectful, democratic approaches with your children check out Beverley’s Audio CD: Parenting Styles: Making The Right Choice For Your Child and visit Parenting Network for our listing of popular parenting classes.