Joy's pick for "2008 best radio segment"

It is the time of year for "picks", is it not? :-)

I heard Stephen Jarislowsky on the radio earlier this week. His clear-sightedness & straight talk made it a very inspiring piece.

Jarislowsky is a Canadian billionaire & philanthropist in Montreal, and an officer of the Order of Canada. He's in his 80s & a humble man--his mindset reminds me of the late Mirvish. One of Canada's unsung heroes, I believe.

From Wikipedia:
"Apart from his personal business pursuits [the investment management firm Jarislowsky, Fraser], he is an outspoken defender of business ethics (and a critic of ethical breaches). In 2002 he co-founded (with Claude Lamoureux) the Canadian Coalition for Good Governance to further this cause, focusing on such contemporaries as Frank Stronach and Conrad Black for their corporate excesses.

"In several magazine and newspaper articles between 2002 and 2004, Jarislowsky correctly predicted the deep economic recession which began in 2008 in the United States and spread around the world. On December 16, 2008, in an interview on CBC's The Current, he opined that the current recession will last at least two to five years and may last much longer if corrective measures are not taken by governments and the general public. He further argued that inflation is the only solution in the circumstances to reducing the enormous debt loads held at all levels of society and that massive government spending is also needed immediately to stimulate the economy."

I'm giving the green gift this year of inspiration, and shared with gratitude that we have what it takes in this country! Love to all, Joy

When Parents disagree

When parents disagree about parenting


Both parents have the best of intentions in raising their children. They both want their children to be successful, responsible and well liked by people around them.
There are two major systems of motivation, democratic and autocratic, and most people automatically incorporate the system they were brought up with.

Your husband believes that pointing out mistakes, winning approval and avoiding disapproval is the best way to motivate your child, thus the child will learn the right and proper behaviors. However, the child can feel that he is more loved and more worthy when he is approved of, and less loved and less worthy when he is disapproved of.

You seem to have the sense that your husband’s motivational system can be undermining the child’s self-esteem by restricting the child’s judgment and creativity. This reduces the child’s feelings of being his own person.

Instead of questioning your husband’s behavior and criticizing him, develop the attitude that he also wants the best for his child. Criticizing and disapproving of your husband is actually using the same system that you want your husband to stop using with your child. By adopting this new attitude of respect, you can model that people can have differences of opinion and not have their self-esteem diminished. In other words, when we get out of the “I’m right” and “you’re wrong” restrictive framework, we realize that our spouses are more open to new ideas and ways of parenting. Some encouragement when they get it “right” are always helpful too.

Ultimately you can only be responsible for your own relationship with your child. Show him that he is valued and loved unconditionally. Everyone will make mistakes, and they still can be respected for doing their best. Show faith in him that he will learn from his mistakes, and not feel diminished.

By your example of showing unconditional love, respect for other peoples’ opinions and having faith in their ability to handle adversities, your husband can then judge which system will achieve better results.

Georgine and Marty Nash

The Tragedy of Brandon Crisp

Parents of teens all over Toronto, probably all over the country had been waiting for the news of what happened to 14 year old Brandon Crisp. He had been missing since Thanksgiving Monday, after a fight with his parents over the excessive use of his Xbox. Then the terrible news broke when Brandon’s body was found last week.

A shock wave had gone through the community. Parents of teens were devastated and wondering what went so terribly wrong.

Using the parent’s power to take away Brandon’s prized game box seemed to be a good solution to help the boy get over his obsession. However, when using power or control over others, we face possible backlash, such as Brandon running away from home. In today’s democratic atmosphere, using power over another human being is disrespectful, even if it is done with the best of intentions. The only exception is when the situation is life-threatening.

Sitting down with the teen and solving the problem together would be a much more effective way to deal with the situation. Using respectful communications skills, parents should first listen to the teen’s position and how strongly he feels about it. Then share with him their position and the reasons for it. And finally, together they should search for a mutually acceptable solution. Problem solving is not effective when done in a medium of anger.

by Georgine Nash, Co-founder of the Parenting Network

Cooperation is such a wonderful word

It conjures up positive feelings like togetherness, unity, and harmony. As parents we’d all love more of this stuff in our families!

If you’re not living in a cooperative environment, you might be experiencing competition. People competing to get their way, which can foster a family environment that leads to stress, rivalry, and hurt feelings. Something too many of us experience everyday.

A key ingredient to a cooperative home is Family Atmosphere.
What do I mean by Family Atmosphere? How you talk with each other, how you deal with conflicts, your family values, and even your approach to mistakes will impact the atmosphere of your home.

Here are 5 suggestions that will help you have a great family atmosphere.

#1 - Tone of Voice
Let’s kick off with tone and volume of voice. A simple example is yelling. Do you yell or bark orders around the house? Because if you do, it’s highly likely your children yell too which creates a volatile, noisy and perhaps aggressive atmosphere. (If in doubt, just think about the last time that you called your kids to come to dinner.)

So I’m inviting you to take charge of your behaviour, and here’s how. First, tell your kids and partner about your decision, and ask them for their help – you’re likely going to need it. Breaking patterns and setting up new habits takes time. And here’s the Bonus – since you’re not going to be yelling for them, you won’t respond to their yelling for you.

How will this look and sound?
Tonight, instead of yelling up the stairs “Dinner’s ready, come down!” you are going to walk to their room and say “Dinner’s ready. I look forward to seeing you at the table.” If you have a teenager, I recommend you knock on their door first. In all, it’s only an investment of perhaps one-minute and yet it speaks volumes. It models respect for others, good manners, and lets the child know he’s valued in this family.

That looks after respect of the child, now let’s look at respect for you. Next time they yell for you from the top of their lungs and from the top of the house, do nothing. Don’t go to them (unless it’s an emergency), and don’t yell back. You wait, or if they’re nearby, say in a calm voice “I’m in the kitchen if you need me.”

Guess what will happen?
Typically the child will keep yelling and perhaps even louder if you don’t respond. So don’t expect miracles the first few times. As long as you are consistent, your kids will figure this out pretty quickly. They’ll eventually come looking for you, or even better solve more problems for themselves!

#2 - Affection and Connection
On a brighter note, affection and connection are vital to family atmosphere. These provide a child with a positive sense of belonging and self-worth.

I have a “Rule of 3”. Do something 3 times and your child will get it! 3 hugs a day, 3 reminders of how they are “loved no matter what” - even when they are behaving in a difficult manner.

Research shows over and over again the power of closeness. All children do better with affection, even your teenager. It can be as simple as a rub of their shoulder, a wink from across the room, or a cuddle.

I offer many more tips on how to be a more positive parent in my Encouragement Skills CD.

#3 - Dealing with Conflicts
How you deal with differences and conflicts in your home will contribute to the level of cooperation you’ll receive.

Let’s start with the timing. Your most effective problem solving happens when you and your child are calm. Introduce phrases like “Let’s talk about this when we are both calm”, or “I love you too much to fight, I need a little time out for me.” Or “This isn’t working, I think we need a little calming down time.” Notice I said ‘we need’, not “you”. This is non-blameful and goes a long way to gaining cooperation.

If you have a tendency to argue with your children, or have the need to be right or have the last word, you are not going to get the cooperation you are looking for. It’s time to lead your family in a more positive manner.

The goal is to engage in discussions, not arguments. So again, remove yourself if it starts getting heated and return to the discussion when you are calm. This is great modeling!

#4 - Mistakes Are Okay in Our House
Is this the message you give your children? We know a child’s growth relies heavily on first hand experience, on taking some risks. So our role is to provide a safe landing pad when they fail or use bad judgment. An attitude shift that might help would sound like this “Mistakes are okay in this house. What’s important is that you learn from the mistake and that you get up and try again!”

P.S. If you or your partner is a perfectionist, mistakes are likely not okay! Perfection doesn’t make for a comfortable or natural environment for children.

#5 - A Voice and Say
This last key ingredient to improving family atmosphere is giving your child a way to contribute to the family, wherever possible. This can be in the form of a “voice and say” in decisions, or doing a job.

If you’re not sure where to start, take your clue from your child. Next time they complain about the service, for example, “You cut my sandwich in squares, and I wanted triangles!” – guess what? You’re going to teach them how to do their own sandwiches from now on!

If they complain about the bedtime routine, work on a new one together.

Involve your child wherever possible. For example, next time you invite friends for the evening, give your child a job. Would they like to hang up coats, carry around the tray of appetizers, or help make the dessert? Involve them and cooperation happens like magic!

So have some faith and keep modeling the values that are important to you. In my experience, it’s so true, "in the end the apple does not fall far from the tree".

Beverley Cathcart-Ross

For more parenting tips, classes and products, visit parentingnetwork.ca

When Parents Disagree

Lindsay: Oh, I forgot to tell you. I’m getting a ride to Ryan’s party from Kate.

Dad: Ryan’s party?

Lindsay: Yeah, on Saturday. Oh, and her curfew is midnight and she said she’ll bring me home a few minutes before.

Dad: Your curfew is 11 o’clock, honey.

Lindsay: But everyone is staying until 12 – and I’ve been really good about coming home on time.

Mom: That’s true, Mike. Maybe just this once…

Dad: No! We have rules in this house. I don’t care about what everyone else is doing. A curfew is a curfew.

Sound familiar?
Any parent of a teen can imagine where this is going. Being parents is always a matter of negotiation – progressing very quickly from disagreeing over nap times to implementing curfews.

Here are some tips to help parents work together:

Embrace differences.
Couples often have different opinions about important aspects of their life together, such as how to spend money, or where to vacation. Why should raising children be any different? Every parent brings his own emotional baggage from his childhood to his parenting style. Thus, it is critical for parents to appreciate from the very beginning that they will often find themselves agreeing to disagree.

Compromise is king.
The important thing for parents is to recognize that differing approaches deserve equal consideration. When a disagreement arises, before things get too heated, parents should try to have a healthy discussion. They should listen to each other’s perspectives, acknowledge the other’s point of view -- and reach an agreement that is acceptable to both. Remember – it’s not about winning, it’s about resolving the matter in a way that makes sense to both parents and, hopefully, to the child as well.

Rules have exceptions.
One benefit of two parental perspectives is that children learn that not all situations are resolved in the same way. When parents agree on a consistent plan ("Absolutely NO getting in the car with someone who has been drinking!") it is easy for them to implement it. However, there should also be room for sometimes compromises. For example, "You can go to the party this time provided you check in with us" means that children learn that the rules are steadfast in some situations and malleable in others. This gives them the benefit of more freedoms than if they had two strict parents -- and more limits than if they had two permissive parents.

Learn from each other.
Sometimes one parent is interested in trying new approaches to parenting, whether learned from a friend, a book or a class. If the other parent is resistant, all is not lost. Children will notice the changes in the one parent’s approach and will respond accordingly. When the other parent observes the positive response, they will likely begin to try the new skill at their own pace.

Should parents present a ‘united front’?
This is a great idea in theory, but practically speaking, children know from a very young age who to go to for more allowance, help with their homework, someone to make them a snack or permission to do anything fun.A more effective approach might be to have an open discussion with the child, with input from all 3 parties and everybody’s reasons for their points of view all out on the table.

The key here is to be respectful to each other and to be ready to compromise.

Modeling respectful conflict skills is one of the most important gifts parents can give their children. After all, how will children ever learn to deal with conflict in an emotionally mature way if it always takes place behind closed doors?

Seeing practical examples of how to resolve conflicts is essential to children’s healthy development. Even when there is a good parent/bad parent scenario, if parents explain their rationale, children will see that both mom and dad have their best interests at heart.

So in our alternative scenario, Dad and Mom sit down with Lindsay and explain their concerns -- and a compromise is reached.

Dad: I suppose that if you promise to check in around 11, don’t go to anyone else’s house and come home with Kate, it would be okay.
Mom: And you know we’re here to pick you up if you need us. The main thing is your safety so we hope you will always be honest with us.

by Doone Estey


For more parenting tips, classes and products, visit parentingnetwork.ca