Parenting Network

2012-01-13T16:20:00.001-05:00

A wonderful thing about this time of year is the sense that we can have a fresh start – and that includes more than just waistlines.

We've come up with these easy, fresh starts for your parenting...

Give each child 3 hugs a day with an encouraging word or two. How about for your partner too?
Yell less. It can be done! When we yell, things are heading out of control. Unless their safety is at stake, look for another way.
Do less. Cut back on the scheduling and enjoy more family down time.
Do more with your partner. This nurtures your love and models to your children the importance of looking after the life-partnership.
Create some routines. Helps a child know what to expect, and gives them a bit more control. Start with a weekly meal plan where they get to choose a dinner – including the protein, veggies and dessert.
Resolve to have some neat and tidy rooms (kitchen, your bedroom?) and some messy rooms (family room, kid's rooms?).
Let the kids take more ownership of their homework. If you like, explain your goal to their teachers.
Next time your child asks you to buy something, help them figure out how long it will take to save their allowance to buy it for themselves.
Sit up straighter and do some deep breathing at every stop light.
Buy everyone a new toothbrush!

Registration is in full swing!
Whether you have a toddler or teen we have a Parenting Course for you.
Plus, our popular Teleseminars are back – each a quick hit of inspiration.
Check it all out here.

Stay well!
Beverley and Doone

parentingnetwork.ca
416-480-2499

twitter.com/parentingnetwork
facebook.com/parentingnetwork

Holiday Survival Tips for Moms and Dads!

2011-11-30T15:34:00.004-05:00

Can you believe it's already December? Are you ready? Do you have a million lists running around your head and the nagging thought that there is simply not enough time to do everything?

Here are some ideas to help busy parents survive (and maybe enjoy!) the next month:

1. Break the tasks down into smaller ones and get started. Even if it is just getting out some boxes of lights or recipes or buying some hostess gifts. Take the first step to ease your way into the holiday spirit.

2. Make multiple lists: one for gifts, one for cards, one for food, one for decorating, one for charitable, one for seasonal and school events. Prioritize and eliminate items as you go.

3. Set 3-5 priorities each day, to be done in between putting out all the fires. This way at least you’ll have done some of the most pressing tasks by the end of the day.

4. Hire extra help. If your children are older, consider paying them to help do things above and beyond their regular chores. They can babysit, shop, wrap, decorate, cook. If your children are younger, consider your friends’ university-aged kids who are home for the holidays and looking for part time work.

5. Organize a shopping babysitting pool. Together with a couple of friends, offer to host a kids’ play group while the other moms shop and then rotate so you get 2 afternoons to yourself.

6. Do less. A lot less. Often Moms will run themselves ragged trying to do too much and never saying “no”. Don’t volunteer to bring homemade cookies to the class party just because of what the other moms will say. And don’t feel guilty! Your family would rather have a less accomplished, calm Mom than a crazy Supermom.

7. Marshmallow Snowmen, Inuksuks and Igloos. Unless you are really into them, never mind all those complicated crafts in the magazines. Get some toothpicks, gumdrops and marshmallows and have your kids go creative. Use canned icing to stick on sprinkles, buttons, beads, ribbons or whatever other decorations you have around.

8. Email holiday cards and invitations. Get recipes and gifts online.

9. Watch your party persona. Don’t even think of overindulging in food and alcohol until the middle of December, when the season is in full swing, or January 2 will arrive with a vengeance.

10. Be Mindful. Relax your shoulders, take 10 slow deep breaths and do 5 different stretches every hour just to keep things in perspective and to truly appreciate the beauty and meaning of the season.

Doone Estey, Certified Parent Educator, Speaker, Partner, Parenting Network

Are you held hostage at homework time?

2011-10-21T11:58:00.010-04:00

I recently participated in a cross-country Web Chat with parents, answering their questions on school and anxiety related issues. I’ll be doing a weekly posting of these Q & A’s.

Today, I’m kicking off with one parent’s homework challenge – many of you will relate!

Question from Kieran –

My 11 year old daughter doesn’t take responsibility for her homework and she insists that I help her every night! It always ends in a battle of wills. How can I get her to take charge without me?

Hi Kieran,
Many parents feel like a hostage at homework time. I’m glad to see you’re focusing on an important goal – that your daughter takes charge of her homework without you. It’s in our children’s best interest to become independent learners – unless we’re willing to be there for the rest of their school life!

A good place to start is to tell her that you love her too much to fight every night about homework. Then the two of you need to sit down and brainstorm a better way.

Here are 4 easy and effective problem-solving steps:

1. Find a calm time (Not after a 2 hour homework ordeal!)

2. Focus the conversation on her feelings – dig deep and show some understanding for her point of view. This is where you win her cooperation to help solve the problem. It could sound like this, “You seem to have trouble focusing unless I’m sitting with you. And it must be very upsetting when I pull away and won’t help. Is that how you’re feeling?” (Then zip it up and let her share her thoughts and feelings.) When you feel it’s been thoroughly explored move on to #3.

3. Focus on your point of view in 10 words or less! More than that and you start losing your child’s attention and interest, typically because we dredge up history, whine and complain! Here’s an ideal focus – “Our relationship is too important to fight over homework.” Or, “I love you too much to fight like this.” When you stick to the heart of the matter – which is the relationship – then she gets the message that you do care.

4. Solution gathering. Explore together your options and make a list. It helps to let your child start first. No ‘dissing’ each other’s ideas – this is blueskying time! Then review and narrow it down to a couple of solutions you’re both comfortable with. Agree to try these for a short period of time, perhaps 3 nights. Then check in at that point and see if it’s working. If it is, congratulate yourselves, and if it isn’t, go back to the drawing board and tweak it!

BONUS: When you engage your child in a problem-solving process you’re teaching them how to resolve conflicts in a respectful way. A vital skill in life!
There are many approaches that can be taken around homework. Since your goal is that she becomes an independent learner, I’d focus on solutions that will get you there!

Here are some ideas:

• Define your role. Perhaps you sit down for 5 - 10 minutes each night and have her review with you what needs to be done. Help her structure how she’s going to tackle the work, and then remove yourself and be a resource she can call on when she needs you. (This is weaning her away from her dependence on you! You may need to have some restrictions on your time, such as you’re only available between 7:30 and 9:30 PM)

• She can choose which time of the evening she is most ready to face homework. Perhaps even breaking into 2 chunks – some before dinner and some after.

• If she is struggling to focus then its ok for her to that a break.

• If she hasn't completed her homework within a reasonable time frame, she closes the book for the evening and can either tackle it in the morning before school or take it to school incomplete.

While it is difficult for us to see our child go to school with their homework incomplete, they need to learn to handle the outcome of their choices. We do our children a disservice when we protect them from these life struggles.

Here’s to some freedom at last Kieran!

If you’ve had some success with a similar situation please leave an encouraging comment for Kieran. Many thanks!

Check back for next week’s posting. Or even easier - these postings can come to you via Facebook. Simply take a moment and “Like” our brand NEW Fan Page. Here’s the link.

Warm regards, Beverley
P.S. Our Early Bird Special is on now! Courses for Winter 2011/12

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, Certified Parent Educator, and Founder of Parenting Network.

You can get more of Beverley’s great ideas and tips in her Audio Learning Series – easily downloaded to your iPod or computer!
Topics include:
• Parenting Styles: Knowing when you’re too tough or permissive… & what to do about it!
• Cooperation at its Best: Easy strategies that will transform your family!
• Discipline That Works: Positive approaches to deal with a child's negative behaviour!
• Encouragement Skills: Helping a child’s self-esteem, confidence &... the perils of praise
• Power Struggles: Solutions for defiance, dawdling & other daily conflicts!

Instant cooperation with Your Teen

2011-10-13T17:41:00.006-04:00

Here are 7 quick ways to inspire instant cooperation with a Teen:

Show empathy and understanding, “Wow sounds like you had a tough day.” And then zip it up and switch into listening. Or, “I hear you… raking leaves is the last thing you want to do with your Saturday.”

Adjust your attitude to fit the situation before you approach your teen because your attitude not only drives your behavior – it drives theirs. Welcoming, interested, enthusiastic and non-judgmental are really useful attitudes.

Open body language – open hands, uncrossed arms, etc. contribute to a welcoming attitude. Making eye contact helps too! I know this can be a tall order with many teens, but it helps create trust and can calm many a situation.

Give feedback, physical and spoken - nod, say “Mm hmm” “I see” etc. It helps a person feel understood and safe to share.

Tell them what you will do, not what they will do “I’m willing to serve dinner when the table is clear.”; “I would like to hear what you have to say, but this isn’t working for me. How about we come back to this in an hour when I’m calmer.” (saying “I’m calmer” is non-blameful)

Give a choice. “It’s your day to empty the dishwasher. Are you planning to do it before breakfast, or after?”

Share your feelings. “I really enjoyed our evening together. Thanks for joining us.” Less is often best with Teens.

Learn more great suggestions in our Teen II - Solutions for those tough moments! course starting in 2 weeks.

Acknowledgements: How to Talk So Teens Will Listen, by Adele Faber; Boothman’s Boost

Minute Moves

2011-10-12T16:51:00.002-04:00

One of our main goals as parents is to help our children become less dependent on us! Children are ready from an early age to learn to be independent, gearing them towards a more self-reliant way of thinking. We found these fun and simple 'minute' activities on-line. The best part is that your child can complete most of them on their own, without any input from you! And bonus... they're educational!

SET UP

If you don't have one, I strongly suggest going out and buying an egg timer. Setting the timer and hearing it ring is great sensory reinforcement of time concepts. Alternatively, many smart phones have timer apps already installed, or you could find a few short, one-minute songs your child loves, using them as the timer for these games.

TO PLAY

Set the timer for one minute (or whatever time increment you believe your child can manage), then let them have fun! Use the following list as your starting point, then make up your own Minute Moves! But be sure not to make these games competitive. The idea here is to have your child understand what time feels like by playing and moving through time. Enjoy!

How far can you run in a minute?
How much sand can you scoop in your bucket in a minute?
How many times can your roll over in a minute?
How many blocks can you stack in a minute?
Can you hang from the monkeybars for a minute?
Can you wiggle your toes for a minute?
Can you bounce a ball for a minute?
Can you stay still for a minute?
Can you brush your teeth for a minute?
How many kisses can you give mommy in a minute?

So why not give this a go and make sure to tell your child how well they are able to do these tasks on their own!

For more ideas check out 'Minute Moves!'

Why My Daughters go to Private School

2011-10-05T17:31:00.002-04:00

Are you toying with the idea of private vs. public school? Parenting Network brings you an expert's opinion from 'Ourkidsmedia'. See what he has to say:

"Sure, the most common perception is that a private school education is only for the rich and privileged. And while that opinion might have some historical truth, I’d like to suggest a slight amendment to that statement that would make it more accurate:

Private school education is not only for the rich and privileged, but also for any parent who is willing to go into debt, those willing to fundraise, those willing borrow from family, those willing to volunteer time, and especially ONLY for those willing make massive sacrifices to their lifestyles, all for the sake of their kids.

In this three-part series of Like Father, Like Daughters, I’ll endeavor to explain why I chose to pay for something that I could have for free, and why I feel that it will pay great dividends in years to come despite the many sacrifices made.

I’ve sent both my daughters to a small private school, here in Toronto, since junior kindergarten and I by no means, fraternize with the Toronto’s society of the rich and powerful. I have however, humbly fundraised, borrowed, volunteered time and made numerous sacrifices over the past seven years, and I suspect that I will continue to do so over the next ten years. So why do I do it?
Very simply, I value the character formation of my daughters and I’m willing to beg and borrow for it.

Now keep in mind, I’m not suggesting that a private school would provide a better academic education than a public school, nor am I inferring that a public school education is inferior across the board. In fact, the level of academic excellence wasn’t even a deciding factor in the private vs. public education decision. My number one priority in educating my children is their character formation and ensuring that the virtues, values and traditions that they are taught at home and by the family are also instilled in their learning environment. Virtues such as faith, hope, charity, courage, fortitude, restraint, compassion, prudence, and love, I believe, would not be promoted let alone practiced consistently by the faculty, administration and students at the local Catholic public school. Everything else scholastic and athletic falls second in my books.
So, while in the process of deciding on a school, I spoke to several teachers from both the private and public sectors and even to a few who taught both. During that discourse, I found a common trait in their outlook which I found particularly interesting. Apparently, the teachers who taught in the public school seem to abhor parent-teacher interviews, whereas the teachers who taught in the private school commonly welcomed it, even promoting them more frequently, both formally and an informally.

Now why would that be? When I proposed my observation to the various teachers, the general consensus was typically consistent. In the public school system, there seems to be a natural discord in the relationship between the teachers and the parents. Its “Us against Them”. The Teachers vs The Parents, “You bring you kid here and let us do our job”. While I’m sure that it’s not the rule with EVERY teacher in the public schools but it does appear to be commonly accepted mindset.
Surprisingly, amongst the teachers employed in the private schools, there seems to be generally accepted understanding that the parents are the primary educators and their role as a teacher is to support and supplement the parent’s direction and mandate. They in fact insist that the parents become involved in various matters of the school. I certainly like that idea. If I have a set of principles that I work to instill in my kids at home, I want them reinforced in the school. I like the idea of teacher and school accountability to the parents, rather than to a “faceless” board of trustees."

BY: NOEL OCOL

The Hurt Cycle

2011-09-18T13:35:00.009-04:00

Each of us is all too familiar with the pain caused by a loved one doing or saying something that deeply hurts us. In our practice the most common complaint we hear is “My partner’s behavior is often hurtful.”

And when we ask couples in our Dynamic Marriage/Life Partnership course which topic was the most helpful, the majority answer “The hurt cycle.” Because there is a way to deal with it!

What is the hurt cycle?

In our most intense relationship, the one involving our partner, we tend to be—not surprisingly—the most sensitive and can find ourselves caught in a cycle of hurting. Here’s how it works:

Our partner does something to us that we find hurtful, and the most common reaction is to retreat in pain. Just as we would if our hand touched a hot stove it would withdraw reflexively. We do this as a defensive measure. However, to our partner it looks as though now we’re withholding our love, which is viewed as an offensive response – which in turn makes them feel hurt! And no surprise, they typically lash back.

For example: my husband arrives home on my birthday without bringing me the flowers I expected. He asks me what’s for dinner. I feel hurt by his not acknowledging my big occasion and answer, “You can open a can of beans!” as I storm out of the room. My response comes across as cold and loveless. So now he in turn feels hurt.

After a while I realize how little the forgotten flowers matter compared to our relationship, so I approach him and try to make up. But he’s still in a snit and not ready to let go of his hurt. This in turn hurts me—again—and the cycle goes on!

There are two kinds of hurt

It’s important to understand that there are two kinds of hurt – physical and emotional. When we ask people what is more painful, the majority answer, without hesitation, that emotional hurt outweighs physical hurt.

But there’s another difference between physical and emotional hurt. When you break a leg, it hurts. There’s no getting around it, there’s no choice.
On the other hand, when someone says something to you that you find hurtful, you do have a choice as to how you’ll perceive it.

Here’s a story to explain what we mean: We were talking to an intelligent, accomplished couple who often felt hurt by remarks they made to each other. They felt they had no choice but to feel hurt. So we asked them, “Would you feel hurt if someone told you that you weren’t smart enough because you didn’t speak ancient Sanskrit?” They could then see that it was a decision, or choice, on an individual’s part as to how they perceived a particular remark. Of course the things we value most in life will put us at a greater risk of being hurt.

The choice is ours

Having said that, this intellectual understanding isn’t usually enough to erase the hurts we choose to feel. What is in our power is to decide how long we want to feel this hurt. The hurt comes up automatically and involuntarily; it’s a reflex, a knee jerk reaction, when one of our sensitive buttons is pushed.

So next time you’ll have this choice: you can stay sensitive and head down the path of the dreaded hurt cycle, or you can remind yourself that your life partner, who loves you, doesn’t deliberately want to hurt you. And that will help you nip this downward cycle in the bud!

Dr. Marty and Georgine Nash
Co-founders of Parenting Network

P.S. Click here to see all of our Fall Courses!

What participants are saying about this course:
"My husband and I took the Dynamic Life Partnership Course in the spring and we absolutely loved it!!! We regularly use the skills we learned. As facilitators, Martin and Georgine were knowledgeable, skillful, and warm." Anna Ballon

"This course provides a wonderful opportunity to take pause and reflect on your background and that of your partner to understand the dynamics at play in your marriage." Jody Wilson

Hands-on parents will raise dependent dependents

2011-09-07T11:24:00.005-04:00

Now that the school year has begun, a question that we'll get asked again and again, is - "How involved in my child's homework should I get?" And just in time for the first school bells to ring, this article by John Rosemond, a psychologist and family therapist, landed in my inbox. And we've awarded him the first word (unlikely the last word) on this topic.

By John Rosemond

As the new school year begins, it's time for me, once again, to make my perennial case against parental involvement in homework.

First, it is significant to note that as recently as 40 years ago, little more than a generation, the rare parent helped with homework. That would be 1971, when scholastic achievement was significantly higher than it is today. (In addition, average expenditure per pupil, in real dollars, was lower and the teacher/pupil ratio was higher at every grade, but those are future columns.) Furthermore, I believe it is more than coincidence that when parents did not render regular assistance with homework, children emancipated more successfully and much earlier than is the case today.

Second, the notion that nightly parental involvement and micro-management (although school administrators and teachers will not call it that) of homework is a good thing arose from studies done in the 1970s that found that the parents of high-achieving kids newly arrived from Vietnam and other Asian countries actively participated in homework sessions. Somehow, it got lost that this was a main means for these folks to learn English, develop basic business math skills, and accelerate their assimilation. The practice was functional in that parochial context. The mistake was to assume that what was good for one cultural group would be good for all.

There is no evidence that actual achievement is enhanced through parental involvement in homework. After all, achievement has gone down as parental involvement has gone up. Grades improve, yes, but that is because parents make sure homework is returned to school virtually without error. And they drill their kids on upcoming test material to the saturation point. And then they are known, many of them, to complain if teachers do not give the grades they think their kids deserve. By that point, it is hard to tell whose grades they are.

In the process of all this involvement, kids fail to learn basic study skills, are deprived of the inestimable benefits of trial-and-error, and become increasingly dependent on parental help as parents, now heavily invested, become increasingly anxious about grades and take them as a sign of their own competence. That is called co-dependency. Meanwhile, teachers become increasingly dependent on parents to help them teach. I know of no other professional group that expects other people to help them with their job and not be paid for it.

The upshot of all this is that many college students are doing homework with their parents over the phone and online nearly every night, and many college professors have felt the wrath of parents who do not accept the grades they feel they and their children deserve. And employers even tell me that many of today's young people cannot seem to make independent decisions without consulting -- guess who?

"What do you recommend, John?" I was recently asked, to which I replied that I recommend parents take interest in their children's homework and make themselves available for limited assistance, but that their children's homework be, well, their children's homework — a not-so-radical notion.

A mother recently told me that on the first day of this school year, her eighth-grade son came home with a note from the math teacher informing parents of their homework responsibilities, which boiled down to one word: nightly. Because she has no intention of participating in this group-think, she asked my advice.

Write the teacher back, I said, along the following lines: "My child should be fully capable of doing whatever assignments you give him independently, and I expect him to do his best. If his best is not THE best, so be it. I want him to discover, on his own, his strengths and weaknesses so that he does not go to college and waste time and money discovering that, without my help, he is not a good math student. Please know that you will always have my full support if my child's performance or behavior becomes a problem."

Over the years, I have recommended this same response to many parents.
From what I am able to gather, their kids seem to do just fine, and in many cases, better.

Your thoughts? Please weigh in!

Welcome back, and have a great term!

Warmly, Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and Founder of Parenting Network.
Click here to find out about Courses for Fall 2011! See our "Bring a Friend/Partner Special"!

Back to School Jitters?

2011-09-05T16:39:00.005-04:00

Back to school jitters? Do you have a little one going off for the first time? Maybe your child can’t wait to get out the door and you’re the one having the “empty nest” panic attack!

No matter what the scenario in your home, the end of summer and the back-to-school routine can be stressful. Here are a few ideas to help ease the transition for everyone:
- Take any advantage of any offer to go to the school to meet the teacher and see the classroom ahead of time. Even without a formal invitation, many schools are open and often teachers are setting up classrooms and don’t mind first timers coming by for a peek.
- At the very least, walk or drive over and have a look to familiarize your child with the building, playground, correct entrance, etc.
- Try to find out the names of some of the children in the class. Give one or two of them a call, and arrange a play date at the local park. Offer to host a couple of moms and children for coffee and then everyone will see familiar faces on the big day.
- Have your child do a practice morning run – get the new backpack and sneakers ready, find the camera, set the alarm clock, decide if playtime is going to be built into the morning routine, plan some breakfast menus.
I found that the strategy of “Monday is toast and eggs day, Tuesday is bagel and fruit day, etc. worked well, at least for the first few weeks. Let your child decide which options to have on which day to increase their sense of control over the process. (You provide the options however)

As a final consolation, don’t forget that children almost always manage better once you have disappeared around the corner than when you are still within sight. They pull themselves together and can focus on the task at hand rather than concentrate on missing you. The day will be over before you know it!

Stay well!

Doone Estey,

Partner, Parenting Network

P.S. Parents are signing up for parenting school too - see our Fall classes!

When Your Child Talks Back or Hits

2011-08-31T14:35:00.010-04:00

Parents Ask:
I'm having a very challenging time with my 8 year old son, over bad-mouthing. He calls me dumb or says shut-up when he doesn't get what he wants. It mostly happens when he is hungry. I explained to him I understand he is upset or frustrated for a reason that I don't know, however it is not acceptable to bad mouth me or hit me.

I am not sure how to handle this. Please help.

Some suggestions:

You're understanding and empathetic response to your son is a good place to start. Another way to say it could be: "You must be pretty upset to behave this way - do you want to tell me about it?". If he still chooses to be disrespectful toward you, then it's important to show him how you feel about his choice of behavior by disengaging in a kind manner "this isn't working for me". Rather than telling him how he should behave, for two simple reasons: you don't control him, and he already knows that his behavior is not appropriate.

So instead, show him that you're in control of you and communicate your willingness to listen to him when he's ready to approach you respectfully. "I'll be in the other room and happy to listen to what's bothering you when you're ready."
Let me know how it goes!

Warmly, Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and Founder of Parenting Network.

Click here to find out about Courses for Fall 2011! Early Bird Special ends tonight!

Meltdowns over sticky hands and dirty feet...

2011-08-16T11:13:00.016-04:00

I helped a mom with this issue today and thought I'd share it since likely there are many of you dealing with a very physically sensitive child.

Here's her situation

I'm having such a hard time with my son's behaviour and I'm starting to think it is something more than just a 2 year old tantrum. He has a melt down over his shoes (taking them on and off, crying hysterically because they don't feel right); his hands feeling "sticky" when they're totally clean (but perhaps clammy); and needing to wear only "cozy", extremely soft t-shirts.

I'm noticing it more because we're at the beach for the week and we're constantly dealing with the crocs, the wet or sandy feet, etc. These aren't power struggles (although we're definitely going through that too) - he just gets so frustrated and completely breaks down. At this point, do I take him to a psychologist or does this sound like a typical parenting a 2 year old issue to you??

From, Beached out Brenda

Brenda here are some suggestions

You're starting to see both a pattern of behaviour, and your son asserting his will! The good news here is that patterns can help you anticipate and put solutions in place so that he can look after his own needs and be less dependent on you to 'fix it'. For example, placing a bin full of water outside by the cottage door allows him to stick his feet in and get the sand off whenever he wishes. A towel could be next to it as well if wants to have them dry. He could even wash his hands off in the bin, or a facecloth placed on the edge of the sink could do the trick as well.

The key is for you to become less entangled, and to send him the message that you respect his preferences and you'll support him in finding solutions for himself.

As far as some psychological issue

Your son could have a heightened sense of touch/feel/smell and be far more aware of shirt labels on his skin, clothing too tight, seams on the insides of his socks, stiff shoes, etc. This will likely ease with time. Some specialists recommend doing a lot of body massage and rubbing different textures on his skin at a calm, fun time - helps desensitize him a bit. (ie. When playing at the beach, have him rub some sand on your legs and then on his own legs, arms, etc - and then both of you run in the water to rinse it off!)

Let me know how it goes. :)

Warmly, Beverley

P.S. Parents if you recognize your child in this, please share your solutions with Brenda!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and founder of Parenting Network.
Our Early Bird Special is on now! Courses for Fall 2011

“Put on your oxygen mask first before putting one on your child.”

2011-08-10T12:24:00.018-04:00

How many times have we heard this direction when getting on a plane and not given it a second thought? The point is that we are useless to anyone else if we are not functioning properly ourselves.
Summer is a great time for kids to recharge their batteries but often parents are run ragged keeping the kids busy and happy. As we move through August, we hear more and more from parents, “I can’t wait until the kids go back to school!” Which is a bit of a contradiction, because really, why would we want summer to end? Our kids sure don't!

Often, as parents, we put our own needs on the back burner to meet the perceived needs of our children. And what children really need are well-rested, well-exercised, and well-cared for moms or dads! What we eat for breakfast, how much wine we drink, whether we're always rushed, how we manage conflict and deal with our feelings – we're always role models for our children. So it's in everyone's best interests that we attend to some of our needs and it's important our kids see us doing it!

Paying attention to our physical health is one thing; paying attention to our mental health is another. For example, practicing self-respect is just as important as watching our diet, exercise and sleep patterns.

Over the years with my own four kids in the summer, I would practise self-respect in many small ways. Not that I got the results I was hoping for all the time, but when I did it felt great!

Here are some practical examples:

"No, I'm sorry, but story time is over. It's time for me to say goodnight.”
“I’m not willing to do any more puzzles. I'm puzzled out!”
“Yes, we're having something I like for dinner for a change.”
“I’m going to take a bath now for 20 minutes. By myself.”
“I’m not willing to argue with you, it's your night to do the dishes.”
“I will drive you to the mall when the den is clean.”
“I’m going to go to my room for a while to calm down and collect my thoughts.”

Some of these approaches take patience and determination and may require ignoring bad behaviour for the moment, as many children are persistent and may try to wear us down. A calm and caring tone of voice will go a long way too!

Setting limits for ourselves is always worth it in the long run - children learn resilience, self-control and to respect Mom and Dad’s boundaries. When we show self-respect and decide what we will and will not do, we also model for our children how to behave self-respectfully. This knowledge contributes to self-confidence, healthy relationships and a strong self-esteem.

So do plan to do something “oxygenating” for you every day. You’ll be happier and so will your kids and just maybe you’ll wish summer would never end too!

Doone Estey
Partner, Parenting Network

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Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby: How To Answer Your Kids’ Random Questions

2011-07-18T13:08:00.006-04:00

Ok, the media has approached us for advice on many different topics, but talking to your child about sex? Not that often.

Shawna Cohen, with www.mommyish.com interviewed me and wrote this article:

“Mommy, why is your vagina black?” my little guy asked me while I was getting dressed the other week.

Huh?! Oh, right, to a 5-year-old, pubic hair is a novelty.

“Uh, well, umm, you see…” I began, not knowing what on earth I was supposed to tell him. We’re pretty open about sex in my family: we label body parts, discuss where babies come from. Even taking a shower, once considered cherished alone time, has become a free-for-all in this household.

But there I was, totally stumped. It’s never about being truthful (which I always am) or even embarrassed (which I’m not). For me, it’s a fear of revealing too much. There’s only so much a 5-year-old can absorb when it comes to sex, and so I want to be sure I get it right.

“The best approach is to answer questions as honestly and briefly as possible, both to encourage further questions and yet not to overwhelm,” Parenting Network co-founder Doone Estey tells me. “If the child asks a direct question about how the ‘seed gets inside,’ the parent can respond by asking the child what he thinks happens to get a better idea of what is actually going on in that little brain.”

Estey warns that many parents fall into the trap of giving “the sex talk” after receiving one innocent question. You’re better off wading in slowly and finding out what your kid is really after, she explains. “Asking the child what he means can be helpful.”

Of course, it’s important to always be upfront with your kids; otherwise they’ll get their information from the playground and from other kids, which might or might not be accurate. “I remember hearing one story where a child spilled the whole can of beans to an entire kindergarten class and the teacher was forced to admit that the 5-year-old girl was correct,” recalls Estey. “She then had to send a letter home to the parents explaining how the whole scene had unfolded, as she had not initiated the discussion!”

One friend of mine grew irritated by her 4-year-old constantly asking to see her breasts. “Mommy, show me your boobs!” he’d scream. She’d say no, only to have her kid come back with, “But we’re family! Family’s allowed to see each others private parts.” (He does make a compelling argument.) Estey has advice for moms who find themselves in this typical situation: “We can explain that parents do not need to show body parts to their children, but children show their parents because we take care of them (and not vice versa).” But when children express a desire for privacy or modesty, we should comply, she adds.

The bottom line is that parents need to show self-respect and set some boundaries so that children learn to do this with their own bodies, Estey says. And there’s usually no one right answer when it comes to sex ed, which should be reassuring to most moms. “The bad news,” says Estey, “is that as soon as kids reach adolescence and really need the info, they do not ask their parents anymore!”

We'd love to hear what you think! Or share your 'talking to kids about sex' story!

Doone Estey
http://www.parentingnetwork.ca/

Partner, Parenting Network

Play-based Learning Can Lead to More Successful Kids...

2011-06-14T12:45:00.004-04:00

Self-regulation is a hot topic in education these days. It’s somewhat hard to quantify but apparently it can be a better predictor of academic success than IQ! It’s also a side-effect of play-based learning which is now playing a key role in full-day kindergarten programs in Ontario and B.C. public schools. The goal is to raise self-motivated learners who will be more successful, healthier and happier than previous generations of kids.

This puts the “love of learning” back in the spotlight where it belongs! After generations of educators being so focused on marks and knowledge gain. The research suggests that while you can push a child to read at an early age, they’re more likely to become disinterested in reading by the age of 8 years. As Prof. Chapman, an early learning expert at the University of B.C. said, “At the end of the day if they don’t like reading and writing, and don’t want to do it unless they’re forced to; what’s the point?” If you want to read more, here’s a link to the full article I'm quoting from.

If you’re the parent of a young child you may want to follow The Globe and Mail’s “The Kindergarten Diaries” an ongoing, in-depth study of four families with kindergarten students.

Be well!
Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here to find out about Courses for Fall 2011!

Communication - A Double-Edged Sword!

2011-05-26T13:01:00.011-04:00

Communication is a double-edged sword. It works best when you say what you want, not what you don’t want. And in 90 seconds, you’ll know how!

My friend and author, Nick Boothman, wrote in a recent blog this “Apples and Carrots” story. The simplicity of this tool struck me right away and I had to share it with you! Look for my Tips below on how to use this great tool with your kids.

“I live on a farm in a very picturesque part of the countryside. One of my neighbors raises horses. At weekends people come out from the city to enjoy the sights and sounds of nature. Sometimes, they stop and feed my neighbor’s horses.

“They’re driving me nuts,” he told me one morning. “Horses don’t eat left over hamburgers and pizza: they’re vegetarians, for heaven’s sake! They just sniff it and drop it right there. Before long it attracts flies and rats and dogs. So, I put up a sign ‘Please Do Not Feed the Horses,’ but it got worse.”

“No kidding? Now people drive by and think, ‘Oh what a great idea, let’s stop and let granny and the kids feed the horses. This guy’s polite, he says ‘please,’ he won’t mind.”

“Nick, you’ve got to help me I’m at my wit’s end.” I scribbled a few words on a scrap of paper. “Try putting this on your sign.” I didn’t see him again until the end of summer. One evening his truck pulled up in my driveway and he got out smiling. “Nick, it worked like magic.”

That was three years ago. If you drive by today you can see the sign for yourself. It simply reads, “We only eat apples and carrots.”

Moral of the story: Communication is a double-edged sword. It works best when you say what you want, not what you don’t want.”

So here are some ways to put this simple idea to work for you: (I used some fairly typical parent comments to demonstrate.)

Instead of… “Don’t jump on the couch.”
Say… “If you want to jump, let’s get some cushions for the floor so you can jump safely.”

Instead of… “I don’t like reading stories when the 2 of you are bugging each other.”
Say… “I’m willing to read the story when things settle down.”

Instead of… “Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking.”
Say… “When I’m finished talking with your sister, I’d like to hear what’s important to you.”

Instead of… “Don’t come home late again tonight!”
Say… “I’ll see you at 11:00 PM.”

Pretty easy eh? So unless it’s a life-threatening moment, take out the ‘don’t’ and find a more respectful and positive way to say what it is you do want.

Until next time, stay well!
Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network.
Click here to find out about Courses for Fall 2011!

Free Range Parenting Blog – May 20, 2011

2011-05-20T09:00:00.005-04:00

Would you let your 9 year old go on the subway by himself? The other night I went to hear Lenore Skenazy, who is known for 35 Google pages as the “world’s worst mom” for letting her son do just that, and from Bloomingdales in downtown Manhattan, no less (a tad on the early side is my feeling).

Lenore spoke about how there are too many helicopter parents and how parents drive their kids to the bottom of the driveway so they don’t get cold waiting for the bus (in the US).

She told how one woman vehemently disagreed with her friend for asking a Mom with two children to watch her baby in the Costco checkout line for a minute. She role played a busy mom deciding that this was the day to easily acquire another baby, and then explaining to her children why she was indeed leaving Costco with a stranger’s baby instead of the Goldfish and diapers etc. they had spent an hour trying to find.

Her point was that predators are actually very rare but because of high profile cases, the media, and parenting experts, parents are much more afraid, anxious and cautious than ever before. When it was my turn to ask a question, I explained that parent educators actually try to make things easier for parents, especially in helping children develop independence and responsibility.

The talk encouraged many comments and questions on both sides of the fence.

How much independence and responsibility should your children have? When are they ready to go out and about on their own? Some tips:

1. There are no hard and fast rules as to what children should be doing at certain ages. The developmental stage and personal judgment of each child should be taken into account. Discussion with other parents, discussion with your child and your own gut feeling are all important.

2. Don’t have your child blindly jump off the deep end, so to speak. Practice crossing the street with him, have her show you where to go on the subway, see if he comes home when he said he would for a first outing before agreeing to another solo adventure.

3. While abductions by strangers are indeed exceedingly rare, other concerns are valid. Children can get lost, their stuff can be stolen, they can feel threatened or bullied. Role play different scenarios with your child, asking them what they would do in certain situations. Who would they ask for help? What would they do if approached by a stranger? Can they pay attention to their possessions and surroundings?

4. I think this one is best of all – have them take first time challenging steps with a buddy!

Teens - Where did my sweet child go?

2011-03-31T06:43:00.023-04:00

My husband had a grin from ear to ear this morning when he shared with me this text message from our 23 year old daughter...

Thank you so much for your help today dad... In the book I'm reading it says "As many people as there are to hold you back, there are angels whose humanity makes up for all the others." That's you Dad :)

We went through the teen years four times, and there were many, many times we wondered "Where did that sweet, juicy little girl that loved us to death go?" It can almost feel like a grief when they pull away from you. And it's with good experience and confidence that I can say "Don't worry they do come back! This too will pass."

Stay well!

Beverley

P.S. My daughter won't mind me sharing, if it can give some parent hope!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker and co-founder of Parenting Network. She also offers private consultations to parents.

See our Workshops for Spring 2011! Early Bird Specials end March 31st at midnight.

When You Need a Child's Cooperation - start with curiosity!

2011-03-21T09:51:00.012-04:00

When I read this post by a friend, Nick Boothman, I immediatly thought what a great benefit this would be for our parents! Because getting a child interested in being cooperative or on side is one of our main difficulties. My biggest take away from this article is how to be a 'persuader'.

Sometimes getting people to move from one emotional state to an entirely different one can be difficult. For example, if you intend to move someone from indifference (“I’m busy; I’ve got a lot of other things on my mind; can’t this wait?”) to excitement (“Great idea—let’s do it!”) in one fell swoop, you may be in for a challenge.

Try linking emotional states.

Persuasively gifted people, wittingly or unwittingly, link three or four emotional states together in order to move people from one state to another. For example, instead of going directly from state A (indifference) to state D (enthusiasm), they lead them from A through states B and C to D. So rather than attempting a direct shift from indifference to enthusiasm, an experienced persuader might move them from indifference to curiosity, then to openness, before arousing their enthusiasm. This is called linking states, and it’s a powerful way to get people emotionally connected with you and your ideas.

Once you’ve decided on the states of mind to be employed, the next thing you would do is to get yourself into the first link on the chain. You won’t be convincing if you’re not congruent. The simple act of adjusting yourself into a state of curiosity will make your body language, tone of voice, and choice of words rub off on the other person. Practice rotating through the feelings of curiosity, openness, and enthusiasm over and over: ten seconds each will do.

This is the secret of the great communicators. Find an opportunity to listen to a speech that moved a nation, be it by Martin Luther King Jr., Winston Churchill, Eleanor Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy or Nelson Mandela, and identify the states they led their audiences through before rousing them to action.

Thanks Nick! I am such a believer in the power of good communications, that I made it the focus of an audio download I co-produced with friend/mom/celebrity Gill Deacon - "Cooperation at its Best - Easy Strategies That will Transform Your Family!" . We crammed it with over 60 minutes of tips and did lots of role-playing to model the type of words that get children feeling cooperative. Takes only minutes to download, and you could be practicing on your munchkins today!

Stay well!
Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. See our Workshops for Spring 2011!

What To Do When You're Stuck

2011-03-17T10:29:00.011-04:00

I LOVE to learn and today I hit the jackpot! I discovered a Child Psychiatrist on-line and so enjoyed her tone and suggestions that I had to share this with you. I've said much the same thing to many of you in class, but not nearly as clearly as this!

"We've all had those moments with our child when we're stuck and we don't know what to do. When our own feelings are so raw, our frustration so intense, our cup so empty, we stop caring for the moment about what our child needs and just lash out.

Then we're overcome with remorse. But in that moment, with the tidal wave of our emotions washing over us, what can we possibly do to save the situation?

No matter how ugly your child is acting, what he or she wants more than anything in the world is to reconnect with you. It may seem impossible, but if we feel the slightest glimmer of desire to turn things around, we can grab it. We don't even have to know how. We can just choose love. We can always find a way to reach out to our child and reconnect. We can always find a way to heal things, even when we're on a cycle of negativity that's gone too far.

When things have gone too far, just STOP.

1. Breathe.

2. Stop berating yourself for letting things get out of control. Hug your imperfect self.

3. Reach out for your child.

In the end, it is always about love. Love never fails."

Thank you Dr. Laura Markham for the kind and wise words!

Should you have a parenting challenge that has you stuck, please get in touch and we'll help you wrestle it to the ground.

Stay well!
Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. See our Workshops for Spring 2011! Early Bird Specials end March 31st at midnight.

How much is your parenting really worth?

2011-03-16T13:48:00.005-04:00

My husband just spent $200 for a course to help him take better pictures on his camera.

My sister just spent $250 for a course to help her train her dog.

So why is it parents hesitate to spend $199 for a course to help them be better parents? Got me!

Our "Raising Great Kids" course is an investment of only 12 hours of your time, yet the impact on your child will be for their lifetime.

For more info go here: Parenting I: Raising Great Kids

Already taken a parenting course? Check out this: Siblings Without Rivalry

Keep well!

Beverley

P.S. Cut out the cost of 20 grande lattes & you're halfway there!

The Trouble with Bright Girls

2011-03-10T21:21:00.007-05:00

by, Heidi Grant Halvorson, Ph.D.
Motivational psychologist and author

I meet bright young moms of bright young girls every single day in my parenting courses and private consultations, so when I read this blog by Dr. Halvorson, I had to post it for all of you!

"Successful women know only too well that in any male-dominated profession, we often find ourselves at a distinct disadvantage. We are routinely underestimated, underutilized and even underpaid. Studies show that women need to perform at extraordinarily high levels, just to appear moderately competent compared to our male coworkers.

But in my experience, smart and talented women rarely realize that one of the toughest hurdles they'll have to overcome to be successful lies within. Compared with our male colleagues, we judge our own abilities not only more harshly but fundamentally differently. Understanding why we do it is the first step to righting a terrible wrong. And to do that, we need to take a step back in time.

Chances are good that if you are a successful professional today, you were a pretty bright fifth grade girl. My graduate advisor, psychologist Carol Dweck (author of "Mindset") conducted a series of studies in the 1980s, looking at how Bright Girls and boys in the fifth grade handled new, difficult and confusing material.She found that Bright Girls, when given something to learn that was particularly foreign or complex, were quick to give up; the higher the girls' IQ, the more likely they were to throw in the towel. In fact, the straight-A girls showed the most helpless responses. Bright boys, on the other hand, saw the difficult material as a challenge, and found it energizing. They were more likely to redouble their efforts rather than give up.

Why does this happen? What makes smart girls more vulnerable and less confident when they should be the most confident kids in the room? At the 5th grade level, girls routinely outperform boys in every subject, including math and science. So there were no differences between these boys and girls in ability, nor in past history of success. The only difference was how bright boys and girls interpreted difficulty -- what it meant to them when material seemed hard to learn. Bright Girls were much quicker to doubt their ability, to lose confidence and to become less effective learners as a result.

Researchers have uncovered the reason for this difference in how difficulty is interpreted, and it is simply this: More often than not, Bright Girls believe that their abilities are innate and unchangeable, while bright boys believe that they can develop ability through effort and practice.How do girls and boys develop these different views? Most likely, it has to do with the kinds of feedback we get from parents and teachers as young children. Girls, who develop self-control earlier and are better able to follow instructions, are often praised for their "goodness." When we do well in school, we are told that we are "so smart," "so clever, " or "such a good student." This kind of praise implies that traits like smartness, cleverness and goodness are qualities you either have or you don't.

Boys, on the other hand, are a handful. Just trying to get boys to sit still and pay attention is a real challenge for any parent or teacher. As a result, boys are given a lot more feedback that emphasizes effort (e.g., "If you would just pay attention you could learn this," "If you would just try a little harder you could get it right.") The net result: When learning something new is truly difficult, girls take it as sign that they aren't "good" and "smart," and boys take it as a sign to pay attention and try harder.

We continue to carry these beliefs, often unconsciously, around with us throughout our lives. And because Bright Girls are particularly likely to see their abilities as innate and unchangeable, they grow up to be women who are far too hard on themselves -- women who will prematurely conclude that they don't have what it takes to succeed in a particular arena, and give up way too soon.Even if every external disadvantage to a woman's rising to the top of an organization is removed -- every inequality of opportunity, every chauvinistic stereotype, all the challenges we face balancing work and family -- we would still have to deal with the fact that through our mistaken beliefs about our abilities, we may be our own worst enemy.

How often have you found yourself avoiding challenges and playing it safe, sticking to goals you knew would be easy for you to reach? Are there things you decided long ago that you could never be good at? Skills you believed you would never possess? If the list is a long one, you were probably one of the Bright Girls -- and your belief that you are "stuck" being exactly as you are has done more to determine the course of your life than you probably ever imagined. This would be fine, if your abilities were innate and unchangeable. Only they're not.

No matter the ability -- whether it's intelligence, creativity, self-control, charm or athleticism -- studies show them to be profoundly malleable. When it comes to mastering any skill, your experience, effort and persistence matter a lot. So if you were a Bright Girl, it's time to toss out your (mistaken) belief about how ability works, embrace the fact that you can always improve and reclaim the confidence to tackle any challenge that you lost so long ago."

Lots of food for thought! And as a mother of 3 Bright Young Women, you can bet I'll be sharing this with them.

Warmly, Beverley
Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here for Workshops for Spring 2011. Early Bird Specials on NOW!

The Difference Between Dating and Life Partnership

2011-03-01T14:52:00.006-05:00

Everybody is acquainted with the dating scene, but when should dating stop and Life Partnership begin? Many people struggle with this question.

When we go out on a date, we start monitoring how “our dates” are measuring up. Do I accept the way they look, their values, and behaviours? Or do I find them unappealing?

We measure whether the person is 40%, 50%… or 90% acceptable. The same person can reach a 90% on one date, but only 60% on another.

As marriage counselors, our premise is that nobody will be 100% acceptable, in other words, perfect.

The greatest problem we have noticed with the couples we have worked with is that the partners keep on measuring each other even after they have gotten married.

Once we make the most important decision of choosing a Life Partner, the measuring has to stop. Instead, we can make the decision to love and accept this person 100% from now on. This does not mean that we have to accept all of their judgments or behavior 100% of the time; this would be impossible. However, our decision to continue loving and partnering with this person is never going to be in question as our love is an unconditional love, independent of behaviour.

When the inevitable conflicts arise, it is vital that these differences be solved together in the spirit of mutual respect. If a couple finds this process difficult to do at times, getting some outside guidance is an important life investment.

Your relationship with your partner can be improved and CAN last a lifetime – please read about our “Dynamic Life Partnership” Course here. And the bonus is, your whole family will benefit!

Dr. Marty and Georgine Nash
Click here to read about our Couple's Course

The Perils of Praise

2011-02-23T17:07:00.006-05:00

When our first born came along we thought she was pretty darn smart and we praised her for just about everything she did. And for a very good reason… we thought it was our job and that her self-esteem depended on it! Her day was loaded with our evaluations - “Great tower you built!” “What a great little eater you are!” “Look at how many words you can say. You’re such a smart girl.”

By the time she was 3 years of age I noticed if things didn’t come quickly to her, she’d give up and say ‘I’m not good at this”. On top of that, we found her becoming increasingly dependent on our approval. We had the makings of a ‘praise seeking junkie’ on our hands.

I recognized the pattern - been there, done that. I too was hooked on the approval of others as a child. So I was determined that my daughter would not fall into the same trap. I discovered the fantastic option of Encouragement and began responding differently. I found it such an invaluable parenting skill that I produced “Encouragement Skills and the Perils of Praise” as part of my Audio Learning Series. It's packed with great tips and loads of alternatives to the use of Praise. If you think it's time to change gears with your child check it out!

A couple of years ago I read a great Reed and Stanford study called the Perils of Praise – How Not to Talk to Your Child by Psychologist Carol Dweck. They looked at the effect of praise on 400 fifth-graders in a dozen New York schools. It was pretty exciting to finally have some science to support what most of us in my field already believed - that certain Praise is detrimental.

Here are some key highlights from that study:

Some children were praised for their intelligence. “You must be smart at this.”
Other students were praised for their effort: “You must have worked really hard.”

Of those praised for their effort (I call this encouragement), 90% chose the harder set of puzzles in a non-verbal IQ test. They got very involved, willing to try every solution. They significantly improved.

Of those praised for their intelligence, a majority chose the easier tasks. The “smart” kids took the cop-out. They quit more easily and looked for more feedback from the instructors.

Dr. Robert Cloninger explained, a person that grows up getting too frequent rewards will not have persistence, because they’ll quit when the rewards disappear. “The brain has to learn that frustrating spells can be worked through.”

When we praise children for their intelligence, they get this message:
· Look smart, don’t risk making mistakes – avoid the risk of being embarrassed.
· Failure is evidence that they weren’t really smart after all.
The over-praised kids also demonstrated these behaviours:
· They begin to discount the importance of effort. I am smart, the kids’ reasoning goes; I don’t need to put out effort.
· Image maintenance becomes their primary concern – they’re more competitive and more interested in tearing others down.
· Students turn to cheating because they haven’t developed a strategy for handling failure.
· Shorter task persistence, more eye-checking with the teacher and inflected speech so that answers had the intonation of questions.

I’ll leave you with my favourite quote from the study:
“Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child’s control.”

I'd love to hear YOUR story. Did you grow up with Praise? Are you driven to get the approval of others? Are you handling your own child differently?

Warmly, Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here for Workshops for Spring 2011!

Many Kinds of Smart - Understanding your child's learning style

2011-01-28T08:01:00.008-05:00

The first job of a growing child, is to figure out how the world works and how they fit into it. As a parent four times over, it became very clear to me that each of my children had their own unique way of going about this task. My eldest daughter was very verbal and she understood her world best by talking about what she was learning - with us, her stuffed animals, or Grandma over the phone! While my son was fascinated with how things physically worked. From age 2 years he lived to build structures with his duplo or lego. His stories were always best told by drawing or through picture books. It was no surprise to us when he chose to study Community Design at university.

The educational system is getting much better at recognizing a child's learning style and providing stimulating approaches to address each. In your child's classroom, you should be able to see the use of poetry, song, fingerplays or drama to engage every learner. That sitting still at a desk is now only part of their day. The teacher may bring in objects from the natural world, take the children out on a neighbourhood walk or he may provide charts as well as books to make information clearer. The goal is that there be a good balance.

In these early years of school, your child will very quickly start to compare themselves to their classmates. For example, my son was very aware that he struggled to remember the sounds that each letter of the alphabet made while others seemed to pick it up easily. To avoid him becoming discouraged, we shared with him how people learn in different ways: he has to work hard to remember the sounds that letters make, but look how effortlessly he sees the letter patterns of words! Understanding your child's learning style is a great help as they approach new challenges in their lives.

To learn more about learning styles please check out this article in Today's Parent magazine... Many Kinds of Smart.

All the best!
Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here for Workshops for Winter 2011!

Worrying about household chores can be tough on the ticker!

2011-01-18T13:15:00.006-05:00

This isn't surprising to Moms...

A recent report in the Daily Telegraph has suggested that looking after your home is more stressful than being at work... I can believe that!

Research carried out by scientists in the U.S. has shown that worrying about household chores such as cleaning, getting the car serviced and paying the bills may be even worse for your heart.

Over 100 working men and women were tested and it was found that those who took on most of the responsibility for running the home had significantly higher blood pressure than those who left it to their partners. The findings, published in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine, suggest it’s not the workload itself but the stress about how to cope with it that causes the damage. Interestingly, having to look after children or pets had no adverse effect on blood pressure!

Certainly something to think about... is housework really worth the heartache? Literally!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here for Workshops for Winter 2011!

Is submissive and obedient the goal you have for your child?

2011-01-13T17:58:00.011-05:00

Just in case you haven't heard enough about Confessions of a Tiger Mom. :)

Generally when we ask parents what life-skills or qualities they would like their children to have when they grow up “responsible, independent, and happy” would be at the top of their list. Creativity and thinking outside the box are also highly valued characteristics in our society. Submissive, obedient, and being the best in the class, never make the list.

So, if these are our goals, we must parent accordingly, giving our children opportunities to think for themselves, to make choices and to make mistakes. Time management, emotional intelligence, teamwork and leadership are all indispensable skills and basically the foundations are laid in childhood.

All parents want their children to be the best they can be, but parents must weigh the cost of success. If children are successful but not happy, what’s the point? If a child is a star athlete but he is miserable, is it worth it?

Parenting through the ages has evolved and changed, but the importance of respect has always been a vital ingredient. Respect from another cannot be forced or mandated or won through the use of fear. Yelling, “I’m your parent! I deserve some respect!” is not the solution. Respect is cultivated and earned through relationship building. Modeling self-respect and respect for others is much more effective. The use of guilt, shame and humiliation are disrespectful approaches in any relationship in today’s Western society.

While receiving praise and admiration can build confidence it doesn’t build true self-esteem. True self-esteem is based on how people estimate themselves even when they fail, make a mistake or lose. It is not based on what other people think of you, not even your parents. Self-esteem based on one’s performance or grades is doomed to be as good as your last performance.

Should the Canada Junior hockey team be suffering from lowered self-esteem after one bad period? I hope not. While they are surely disappointed, a more constructive attitude would be “let’s learn and grow from this and give it our best again next time”.

Most parents are doing the best job they can raising their children. Evaluating all the tools at their disposal and their relative merits is always a good exercise.

Doone Estey and Beverley Cathcart-Ross
Parenting Network
www.parentingnetwork.cadoone@parentingnetwork.ca

Tiger Mom

2011-01-12T22:40:00.008-05:00

Wow… Tiger Mom has really caused a rumble in the jungle! I decided it was time to weigh in. So I called my mentor – Dr. Marty Nash and we hammered out a response to the approach presented by Amy Chua in interviews around her newly released book “Confessions of a Tiger Mom”. Which I won’t be adding to my parenting book shelf!

Some parents like Ms. Chua use a strict dictatorial “my way or the highway” style, while others use a more coddling and protective style. Each will experience either excellent or poor results. So it’s not just about parenting style.

In any social interaction there is a transmitter and receiver. What's key is the child's interpretation. Some children can interpret that they're loved even though they are pushed, dominated, and shamed to succeed and win.

However in a more developed, egalitarian society the child can easily interpret domination and shame as meaning they’re inadequate, not good enough. It’s also easy for children to equate worthiness with their performance. The associated hurt feelings of these beliefs can lead to emotional distress and possible mental health issues. A major challenge in society today.

All of us parents have an inborn and primal motivation to love and protect our children, and see them succeed in life. Children also have the inborn motivation to be loved, accepted, and protected by their parent. Many parents see it as their responsibility to exploit the child’s need for their love and approval, using the motivational system of reward and punishment to achieve their goals.

Many of the tools of reward are approval, closeness, praise, material goods and privileges. The tools of punishment are disapproval, distance, shame, humiliation, guilt, and loss of privileges, etc. And then add to this cocktail a shot of Fear - the major emotion fueling this autocratic system. Fear of failure, fear of losing, fear of shame or loss of face, fear of disapproval, etc. This leads to an uncomfortable and stressful situation for the child and for their social environment.

In the Western world, we have moved toward a more democratic, collaborative system in the way in which we relate to one another. We feel the same accomplishments can be achieved without the underlying fear of performance, acceptability and shame. While the end result of effort is still important, we want to value the creative process of the love of learning and social contribution.

So I thank Amy for writing this book – it’s a good reminder of how far we’ve come!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross and Dr. Marty Nash

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Dr. Marty Nash is a practicing Family Therapist in Toronto. Click here for Workshops for Winter 2010/11!

When Parents Disagree

2011-01-10T16:05:00.001-05:00

When Parents Disagree

By Doone Estey

Lindsay: Oh, I forgot to tell you. I’m getting a ride to Ryan’s party from Kate.

Dad: Ryan’s party?

Lindsay: Yeah, on Saturday. Oh, and her curfew is midnight and she said she’ll bring me home a few minutes before.

Dad: Your curfew is 11 o’clock, honey.

Lindsay: But everyone is staying until 12 – and I’ve been really good about coming home on time.

Mom: That’s true, Mike. Maybe just this once…

Dad: No! We have rules in this house. I don’t care about what everyone else is doing. A curfew is a curfew.

Sound familiar? Any parent of a teen can imagine where this is going. Being parents is always a matter of negotiation – progressing very quickly from disagreeing over nap times to implementing curfews.

Here are some tips to help parents work together.

Embrace differences. Couples often have different opinions about important aspects of their life together, such as how to spend money, or where to vacation. Why should raising children be any different? Every parent brings his own emotional baggage from his childhood to his parenting style. Thus, it is critical for parents to appreciate from the very beginning that they will often find themselves agreeing to disagree.

Compromise is king. The important thing for parents is to recognize that differing approaches deserve equal consideration. When a disagreement arises, before things get too heated, parents should try to have a healthy discussion. They should listen to each other’s perspectives, acknowledge the other’s point of view -- and reach an agreement that is acceptable to both. Remember – it’s not about winning, it’s about resolving the matter in a way that makes sense to both parents and, hopefully, to the child as well.

Rules have exceptions. One benefit of two parental perspectives is that children learn that not all situations are resolved in the same way. When parents agree on a consistent plan (“Absolutely NO getting in the car with someone who has been drinking!”) it is easy for them to implement it. However, there should also be room for sometimes compromises. For example, “You can go to the party this time provided you check in with us” means that children learn that the rules are steadfast in some situations and malleable in others. This gives them the benefit of more freedoms than if they had two strict parents -- and more limits than if they had two permissive parents.

Learn from each other. Sometimes one parent is interested in trying new approaches to parenting, whether learned from a friend, a book or a class. If the other parent is resistant, all is not lost. Children will notice the changes in the one parent’s approach and will respond accordingly. When the other parent observes the positive response, they will likely begin to try the new skill at their own pace.

Should parents present a ‘united front’? This is a great idea in theory, but practically speaking, children know from a very young age who to go to for more allowance, help with their homework, someone to make them a snack or permission to do anything fun.
A more effective approach might be to have an open discussion with the child, with input from all 3 parties and everybody’s reasons for their points of view all out on the table. The key here is to be respectful to each other and to be ready to compromise.

Modeling respectful conflict skills is one of the most important gifts parents can give their children. After all, how will children ever learn to deal with conflict in an emotionally mature way if it always takes place behind closed doors? Seeing practical examples of how to resolve conflicts is essential to children’s healthy development. Even when there is a good parent/bad parent scenario, if parents explain their rationale, children will see that both mom and dad have their best interests at heart.

So in our alternative scenario, Dad and Mom sit down with Lindsay and explain their concerns -- and a compromise is reached.

Dad: I suppose that if you promise to check in around 11, don’t go to anyone else’s house and come home with Kate, it would be okay.

Mom: And you know we’re here to pick you up if you need us. The main thing is your safety so we hope you will always be honest with us.

Good Morning Routine

2011-01-03T13:56:00.005-05:00

In a perfect world, everyone would be a morning person, up at the crack of dawn, cheery and ready to face the day with their workbags packed and teeth sparkling. But the reality for most families is that mornings are a scramble.

Do you almost lose your mind and voice each morning as you coax, remind and even threaten your kids? The stress can escalate all too quickly and leave a pallor on the rest of the day.

So what can we do to bring more peace and harmony to the mornings? Well, this is going to sound counterintuitive, but you have to give your kids more responsibility and let go of some of your own fears. The fact is, by pestering them, packing their bags and lining up their shoes, you are encouraging them to be dependent on you. So let yourself off the hook (and remember: if they are late, it is not a reflection on you).

An important goal of parenting is to encourage children towards independence. And the younger you start, the better! The more your children can do for themselves and for the family, the more confidence they will have. A good mantra for parents to repeat while making changes is ‘Love, Respect, and Faith’. Love doesn’t mean doing everything for your kids—it means letting go! Respect allows for them to make choices and to experience failure such as forgetting their homework, wearing the wrong shoes or being late. Think of these failures as opportunities to learn. And yes, have faith. They will learn.

Here’s a tried-and-true idea to get you started:

Have a family get-together to discuss the morning routine. Even a child as young as 2 1/2 can participate in creating a routine. When children have a say in creating the routine, they are much more likely to follow it. Make your meeting fun and brief, and remember a special snack can win almost anyone over!

Create a list of the jobs to be done in the morning. For instance, your child’s job is to dress themselves, and organize their pack. Your job is to dress yourself, to prepare breakfast and to call them when it’s ready. (Once only, not every 5 minutes!) With younger children it may be helpful to create a job chart with words and photos of them brushing their teeth, getting dressed and eating their breakfast.

Important tip: include a cuddle with a parent as the first thing they do in the morning. Children that feel cared about are far less likely to act out.

I’m going to go out on a limb, and predict that the first routine you make will not work perfectly. You may even curse the attempt. So agree to try the new routine for a few days only, with a plan to revisit it. Then celebrate what worked and tweak what didn’t! And feel free to comment here on your morning successes, failures and suggestions.

Good luck and we’re here to help if you could use a bit more parenting support and guidance. A great place to start is to check out our selection of Winter Classes at parentingnetwork.ca!

Stay well!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross

For My Gluten-free Friends!

2011-01-03T12:59:00.006-05:00

I'm pretty pumped by a discovery I made over the holidays - Grape skin flour. Only a gluten-free nut would get excited when they find a new flour, but this flour packs a punch like no other. Even your gluten-friends should have this in their pantry! It's antioxidant rich - just look at these nutritional facts...

Per 100 g flour:

omega 6 - 64 g
omega 3 - 30.2g
potassium - 2100 mg (65% daily value)
fiber - 52 gm (208% daily value)
Protein - 12 gm
Calcium - 70% daily value
Iron - 710% daily value

If I could eat it straight out of the bag I would! But sadly it's a bit tart, so I'm simply adding a couple of tablespoons to all of my baking - gives a rich colour somewhat like cocoa powder to the end product. I had it in my pancakes this morning. Yumm - feel healthier already. :)

Where do you get this miracle stuff? My local gourmet store carried it - but here's the contact info on the package:

Vintage Flour Niagara Inc.

1811 Niagara Stone Rd., Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario - L0S 1J0

1-905-468-1259

If you have any recommendations for me, please share!

Warmly, Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here for Workshops for Winter 2010/11!

Family Meetings - An Antidote for Bickering and Annoying Behaviour in the Car - Part 3 (Final word on this!)

2010-12-17T08:00:00.000-05:00

OK, the BIG moment has arrived and you wheel the gang out of the driveway.
Here are some tips when the inevitable happens, and things get out of hand!

What the PARENT can do:

Remain calm - this was bound to happen at some point!
Let the kids know that you have confidence they know how to be fair, and that they can sort this out
If you’re getting distracted, pull over at the first available safe location until things have calmed down. (Do this before you get annoyed, and don't use it as a threat)
Remember, you want your children to resolve the situation – your job is to encourage their independence
While you are waiting for the kids to sort things out, feel free to stretch your legs, or generally keep yourself completely busy with something other than them!

What the CHILDREN can do:

Let the other person know, in a calm voice, what it is they want.
Focus their attention away from the bothersome behaviour.
Ask a parent for some help (parents can help mediate - DO NOT take sides)
Engage the person annoying them in an enjoyable activity. (OK, this one is a stretch)

Having personally spent some quality time on the shoulder of various side roads I want you to know it's a great investment. Kids learn that you have limits and they aren't going to pull you into their dramas. Besides no one ever said parenting was convenient!

Happy Travels!!

"Holiday Tips for the Work-from-Home Mom"

2010-12-17T06:20:00.005-05:00

I have a great difficulty getting the sleep I need at this time of year. I wake up with too many lists in my head - ugh. So what do I do? I ususally hit my computer to start a few more lists! While I was there I saw this blog from Ali Brown and thought of all the other mompreneurs out there doing the holiday/work/family juggle. If you have to get some work done this holiday season, I hope this helps you create a little order and find ways to enjoy some holiday spirit!

With the kids around more than usual over the holidays, you might be missing quiet time to get solid work done at home. Most moms I know get too busy to properly plan ahead. But, if you get a little creative, you can set your kids up for a fun, memorable vacation and not miss a beat at work.

Streamline your to-do list - Be honest, if the kids are home, you're not going to get as much done as you usually would. There's no reason to beat yourself up and feel like you've fallen behind. Instead, write down the top 3 work items that you MUST get done each day and make sure you accomplish them. That way you can shut down your computer feeling right about your day, and focus on all the wonderful time you get to share with your kids!

Hire holiday help - Remember, K-12 kids aren't the only ones home for the holidays. Most college students have 3 weeks off and are probably going crazy under their parents' roofs themselves. (Don't we all remember those days?) Ask your friends and neighbors if their older children are looking for some extra cash around the holidays to play nanny, so you can still play boss.

Volunteer your kids - During the holidays, soup kitchens and animal shelters are always looking for an extra hand. Appoint an adult chaperone (or two) to take the kids out for a day of kid-friendly volunteer work. (For kid-friendly volunteer opportunities, click here.)Not only will it get your kids off the couch, but it also might get them into the spirit of giving in a life-changing way.

Indulge their hobbies - Whether it's tennis, ballet, reading, or art, sign your kids up for mini-workshops that they can attend during the weekdays. If you can't find a class in the community, then have a bunch of moms pitch in to hire a private teacher and host group classes in your own home (this method works best if you have a basement you can work in ;)). And don't forget there are a ton of talented high school and college-level athletes and artists who would be thrilled to teach a group of kids!

Keep a routine - If there's no way around it and it's just you and the kids, be sure to set some boundaries so their day doesn't invade yours. Instead of letting the kids run wild all day long, try to set a schedule for them so they get a mix of exercise, education and rest time. Plan holiday movie time, holiday project fun time, to give you 1.5-hour blocks of time to knock a few things off your to-do list.

Don’t forget to indulge your own inner child and join your kids in a few fun holiday projects. That’s the beauty of being a “mom”preneur -- you get to decorate gingerbread cookies with your kids in the morning, then work while they giggle to Frosty the Snowman in the background. Could you have a better workday than that?

Happy Holidays!

Self-made entrepreneur and Inc. 500-ranked CEO Ali Brown teaches women around the world how to start and grow profitable businesses that make a positive impact. Get her FREE weekly articles and advice at www.AliBrown.com

Family Meetings – An Antidote for Bickering and Annoying Behaviour in the Car! Part 2

2010-12-14T09:59:00.007-05:00

Success with Part 1 of this series??

Well here are some more tips to further enhance the quality of the family discussions you have prior to extended road trips…

Discussion pointers:

What needs to be done before we leave?
Make the list together, and have each family member choose a task. Such as, make the lunch; create the route map; research a hotel to stay at
Pre-plan activities for the car journey. What CDs or DVDs should we bring to listen to or watch in the car? Or would it be a better idea to bring personal music/media players?
How frequent should stops be? Plan outlets for your high energy child for both in the car and during the stops. Talk over how it feels when your body is ready for a break or a change. This can prevent your children from taking these feelings out on each other.
Where should we stop to eat or what should we pack for food and beverages?
How to handle the inevitable conflicts between kids in the car. Review the child's options when faced with an annoying sibling - ie. use their words, ignore the behaviour, ask an adult for help. Let them know what you'll do, should they not get along in the car - ie. pull over to the side of the road until things settle down.
And the most exciting discussion -What are we going to do when we get there?!

By taking the time to pre-plan and involve family members, there will be fewer surprises and fewer disruptions.

Some supporting thoughts on Family Meetings:

· Parents report these meetings are fabulous ways for them to teach important life skills - such as organization, resourcefulness, negotiating, compromise, etc.
· As families learn how to hold these meetings and practice this regularly, the effort required is greatly reduced!

Part 3 of this series: TIPS on what to do if (when) problems arise in the car…

Family Meetings – An Antidote for Bickering and Other Annoying Behaviour in the Car! Part 1

2010-12-13T05:40:00.007-05:00

“I want to sit there…”
“He’s on my side…”
“Mom, tell him to stop!”

Sound familiar??

Family vacations are meant to be relaxing and enjoyable but the car journey can often be anything but! A family meeting can be a great way to ensure a more successful trip.

Sit down together as a family before your next extended car ride and talk about the options available when they find somebody else’s behaviour irritating.

Pointers for a successful Family Meeting:

Find a calm, friendly time of the day

Encourage ALL family members to contribute to the discussion.

Designate a leader (not a boss) – kids can take turns too - to ensure everybody’s opinion is heard.

The job is done when all family members have agreed on the best approach to handle difficulties (no voting). This may not necessarily happen in one session!

Congratulate yourselves when you reach an agreement.

It’s a good idea to have a family member record the decisions made for later reference.
There's no guarantee you'll have a more peaceful car ride, but you'll have put a great method to solving family problems in motion.

See Part 2 of this series

5 Family Vacation Survival Tips

2010-12-10T17:40:00.011-05:00

5 Family Vacation Survival Tips

The suitcases are packed and stacks of colourful summer clothes clutter the bedroom floor.

Winter is here and you’re heading south in search of sun and sand. Family vacations are a chance to enjoy quality time together but sometimes great times can get ugly.

Here are 5 of my Family Vacation Survival Tips:
1. DELEGATE

For example, you're getting up early for a day at the beach. The night before, write out a list of things that need to be done:

Breakfast cleanup

Prepare picnic lunch

Organize beach toys, towels and sunscreen
Fill water bottles
Load up the car

And then get everyone to pick a job! Many hands lighten the load.

2. PREPLAN

Before arriving at the beach, agree on the deal around:

Sunscreen and hats

Water safety rules

Budget for snacks and activities

Departure time

Prevention makes for a more harmonious holiday.

3. PACE YOURSELF
Give yourself some private time. It may be as simple as a 30-minute uninterrupted bath.

4. KEEP IT SIMPLE

Have you ever returned from a family vacation needing a vacation to recover? Don’t over plan or over schedule. Everyone will return more rested. And don't forget the deck of cards.
Leave time for spontaneity and down time.

5. CARVE OUT ADULT TIME

Share time alone with your partner.This shows your children that you value and nurture important relationships. They will survive it and learn to respect your right to have it. And they could use a break from you too!

For those travelling, I wish you a happy and safe holiday!

Warmly, Beverley
P.S. For tips on how to plan a vacation with your kids check this blog!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here for Workshops for Winter 2010/11!

Getting Kids to Listen

2010-12-08T17:11:00.006-05:00

“I’m going to write a blog on getting kids to listen” I told my kids.
“What?” My son said.
“I’m going to write...”
“That was a joke, Mom...”

The thing is, kids do listen and they do hear us. But they don’t always do what we ask, which is really the most important part of the listening, as far as we’re concerned.

You only have to say once where the cookies are and bang, they’ve got it. But try to get them out of the bath or into bed or to clean up the toys? Forget it. Kids don’t like to be told what to do any more than we do, which is why ordering them around often doesn’t end well.

To get kids to listen, sometimes all we have to do is a better job of asking. Our tone, our manner, our words, our volume and our timing are all key to increasing cooperation:

• Get down to their level, get their attention, say their name
• Look them in the eye, touch their shoulder
• Wait until they are fully focused, not distracted
• Say it with one word, say please – “Toys now please!”
• Say it calmly and quietly – even if you have to repeat yourself - but only once
• Respect what they are doing, give a transition warning – “Bath time in 5 minutes”
• Ask for their cooperation - “Johnny, I need some help with the toys, ok?”
• Say what you will do -“I’m starting story time, are you ready?”
• Give a small choice – “Do you want to brush your teeth before or after bath?”
• Write a list, or a picture list, with the routine on it – toys, teeth, bath, story, bed, hugs.

Hope their ears perk up!
Doone Estey
For more listening and cooperation tips, please consider one of our parenting courses – satisfaction guaranteed or your money back. www.parentingnetwork.ca

Letters to Santa

2010-11-23T12:53:00.012-05:00

Christmas time is a special time of year for families all around the world. Together, children, parents and grandparents can enjoy the fun and magic that this season has to offer.

Christmas is also a very busy time of year for Santa Claus. A little Irish elf who lives at the North Pole once told me that Santa has to get the sleigh ready, make sure the elves have finished all the toys, and check his list twice to be sure he hasn't forgotten a single child. But in the midst of all this chaos, he always makes time to read letters from children. That's because Santa knows children sometimes change their minds, and he wants to be sure he's bringing the right gifts on Christmas Eve.

Before the little elf was one of Santa's helpers, he was a very little boy living at home in Ireland with his Mom and Dad. It was early December and it was time to write his annual letter to Santa... He got his special crayons, some writing paper and began to write (with his Mom’s help since he was still a very little boy). He asked how Mrs Claus, the elves and the reindeer had been keeping and he told Santa that he had been a helpful boy this year and shared some of the wonderful things he had done. He told Santa that he really wanted a toy fire engine for Christmas so that he could help people. Of course, the little boy said thank you to Santa and wished him safe travels and a very Merry Christmas.

When finished, he set his letter on the logs in the fireplace and went to bed. This is an Irish tradition. Not to worry… the logs weren’t on fire! The next morning, the letter was gone and in its place was a sprinkling of magic dust on the logs! The letter had gone to Santa!

On Christmas Eve, the little boy went to bed so excited that he left his soother by his stocking... When he woke up the next morning he realized that Santa had turned his soother into a toy fire engine!

Writing letters to Santa not only brings the magic of Christmas into your home, but it allows quality discussions to be had between you and your kids... the true meaning of Christmas.

So, why not take a little time with your wee ones and get a letter writing tradition started in your family this year. Send their letters to the address below. Santa makes sure to reply to every letter... just make sure you include a return address. This is a free service Canada Post offers each year.

Santa Claus
North Pole
HOH OHO

Should you prefer, here’s an online service that will send your child a letter or give them a personal phone call… all straight from the big guy!

Click on the link below for more information

Free Download to Help You Raise Self-reliant Kids

2010-11-21T17:08:00.007-05:00

Step One is to be convinced that this is important!

You do want to work yourself out of a job one day -right? Well think of the life-skills and qualities that would help your children function fully as young adults without you. Such as:

Independence of thought and action - Helps them resist peer pressure during those teen years too!
Resilience - Helps them bounce back after disappointments or failures, such as endure rejection by a friend
Be Caring and empathetic
etc, etc

Once you have your list, place a column for each of your children next to that list and rate how they are doing so far. Feel good about their strengths - some things are working :) - and start looking for ways to help them with their weaknesses.

To make your job a little easier we've created a list of the Top Ten Life-skills. These are based on the ideas from parents in our courses.

Go here for your FREE download -> Top Ten Life-skills

Warmly, Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here for Workshops for Winter 2010/11!

Don't miss our Early Bird Specials! Ends December 5th.

14-Year Old Inspires

2010-11-16T11:57:00.004-05:00

I was so moved by this young man that I decided to share the video of his comments with you.

Fourteen-Year-Old Michigan Student Stands Up for Suspended, Gay-Defending Teacher

Jay McDowell, a teacher in Howell, Michigan, was temporarily suspended without pay earlier this month after telling a student wearing a Confederate flag and a student making anti-gay remarks to get out of his class. At a school-board meeting on Friday, openly gay 14-year-old high-school student Graeme Taylor came to McDowell's defense, thanking the teacher for doing "an amazing thing" in a town home to the KKK, and urging the school board to give McDowell his pay and reverse the disciplinary actions. The inspiring video has made its way around the Internet, because how cool is this kid? Click here. (Heads up there's an 18 second commercial before the video begins - you have the correct link!)

Warmly, Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here for final Workshops for Winter 2010/11!

I choose to listen to their woes...

2010-09-24T16:31:00.006-04:00

I am starting the school year again with three children at different schools.

Two children are heading back to the same school where they started last year, and our youngest is going to a new school for grade 6. While each stage of a child's education provides its opportunities to grow, right along side are the challenges.

In High School my son (15) recounts stories of sitting in class doing nothing because
the teacher is on their laptop; my daughter tells us about teachers who yell and
embarrass some students who don't have their work done.

After attending parenting classes and courses I choose to listen to
their woes and acknowledge their feelings regarding school and
teachers . I try not to say much when they complain about the teaching
styles they are encountering. Our thought is that you need to endure
all types of situations and figure out how to cope. In truth I wish I
could change those experiences so that at the end of the day when we
ask ,"And how was school today?", we would hear them tell about the
wonderful learning that went on in the classroom.

I hope that this year we are blessed with some of the hardworking,
energetic teachers in the public system because when they show up so
do my children!
Kate Robertson, for Parenting Network

Teen Summer Driving

2010-08-20T17:25:00.002-04:00

So how’s your summer going with the kids at home? I actually kind of miss the summers I spent driving my kids all over the place.

These days I have more time to myself but I spend a lot of it worrying when my teens are on the road. Thank goodness many teens these days seem more responsible than previous generations about drinking and driving. Now if we could only get them to realize that driving and cell phones are just as dangerous...

I have one teen with a learner’s permit, which, needless to say, makes a simple trip around the block stressful. Not to mention when she decides to ramp up her learning and take a turn with the stick shift, in which case I get whiplash just going down the driveway...

I have somewhat resolved this dilemma by realizing that, to my surprise, her older siblings make much better teachers than I do. My would be driver takes instruction more easily from her sister and brothers and they have more patience and technical knowhow than I do for sure. Plus they like the same kind of music and all of them would rather drive around doing errands than stay home pretending to do the dishes!

This summer our household also has a couple of teens who drive themselves to work, very capably I might add, but have nowhere to park. So one came home with a golf ball through the rear window and the other was a victim of a fender bender hit and run. Fortunately the former was covered by insurance and the latter was sort of fixed with a hammer, wrench and some spray body paint.

But the most unusual driving memory this summer doesn’t involve the teens at all – it would surely be the huge wild female turkey we had to keep chasing off the roof of the car!
DE August 20 blog

Easy and Fun Family Times!

2010-08-06T15:50:00.004-04:00

I find summer a great time for family activities. Without the pressures of homework and school bedtimes, I can connect with my children in fun, creative ways.

Whether you and your children are hanging out at the beach, the cottage or just enjoying some long light-filled evenings at the playground with ice cream, here are some of our family favourites!

1. One summer, I bought a box of watercolour paints, a couple of brushes and paper and set myself up in the back yard. I tried my hand at painting flowers, birds, kids at the playground, and sunsets. Inevitably one or more of my children became interested and joined in. Although nothing was really ever of ‘framable’ quality, we shared some wonderful moments together.

One year we even tackled a bedroom at the cottage. Using a template and acrylics, we sponge painted large random overlapping dots in shades of blue, green and yellow all over the walls. The dots have been there for years now and each teen remembers who painted what! It’s such a great memory, I wouldn’t dream of painting over it.

2. At a family restaurant, a good time buster while waiting for the food to arrive is a game called “Take Off the Table”. One person removes an object from the table (while the others have their eyes closed) and holds it in their lap. The others have to guess what it is. Some ground rules can be set, i.e. no candles, no food, etc.

As my kids got older and savvier, the rules became more complicated, such as “Could items be repeated?” or “Does salt count as food?” Half the time, we wouldn’t have the rules straight before the food came...

3. Shake up the family routine with lots more picnics and finger food, scavenger hunts in the backyard and staying up late to see the stars. Water balloon tosses, sparklers for no reason, croquet, backyard bowling with kitchen boxes and cans, chalk hopscotch, lemonade stands and fort building etc. all conspire to create great summer memories for your kids.

Some of our fondest memories were the nights we had nothing but all-you-can-eat, make-your-own ice cream sundaes for dinner. But don’t quote me on that one!

Doone Estey
Co-founder of Parenting Network

To help you make the shift towards more respectful, democratic approaches with your children visit Parenting Network for our listing of popular parenting classes. Registration is now on!

© 2002-2009 Parenting Network. WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Parenting Network has helped thousands of parents become their best since 1989. So, why wait a moment longer? Check out their website Parenting Network for a listing of popular parenting classes and products.

2010-05-13T14:58:00.009-04:00

Key Tools to Help You Avoid a Parent Meltdown

There are some very basic things we do as parents that set the stage for a struggle with a child. Here are some of the more common no-no's!

· The need for perfection.
· The need for control.
· Doing for a child what they can do for themselves.
· Protecting a child from the results of their choices.
· Taking your child’s behaviour personally, and worrying about the judgment of others.
· Interfering with your child’s relationship with your partner.

Six Great Habits to Start…

1. Create a child-friendly home where mistakes are okay.

2. If you're feeling stressed and overworked, quit the role you’ve created for yourself in the family and write a new job description that allows for the contribution from others. Hold a family meeting and share a list of household responsibilities – let everyone choose what they’d like to be in charge of.

3. Develop routines that the child can manage for themselves. Give the child an opportunity to make more and more decisions.

4. Active listen and be empathetic when their choices don’t turn out so well. Struggle is a vital part of learning and helps them develop better judgment.

5. Respond to your child’s behaviour in a respectful and caring manner. Don’t abandon your parenting approach to please an onlooker.

6. Communicate with your partner about parenting issues in private. Remember that your partnership is the primary relationship and provides the foundation for the family. Get the support you need to keep it healthy.

Beverley Cathcart-Ross is an author, speaker, certified parent educator, and co-founder of Parenting Network. Click here for final Workshops for the Spring!

teen

2010-04-19T12:29:00.009-04:00

Principle #4a - Should a parent step into children's fights?

2010-04-17T13:17:00.008-04:00

Ever banned screen time for a week and quickly regretted it? Or banished one child to their room, only to have them trash it in a rage?

Sometimes as parents we run out of patience and ideas when our kids do battle, and we snap. Not a pretty sight. The problem is once you appoint yourself cop and judge of your children’s conflicts you can expect years on the job.

Here is 4a in our series of 4 Key Principles (Yes, we decided there's a need for one more!) to create the close, collaborative relationships we so dearly want with our children. These Principles apply to parents of only children too - who also play and fight alongside their peers. So don’t leave them clueless!

Principle #4a: Teach your children basic conflict resolution skills, and mediate when you deem it would be helpful.

I remember the time when my 3 year-old Gillian would give these bone-crunching hugs to her 11 month-old sister Maddie, ignoring her obvious displeasure. My attempts to stop it weren’t working, so I said “Maddie you need to let her know you don’t like this” and left the room. Moments later an hysterical Gill emerged with 2 things: an ugly set of teeth marks on her forearm, and a great deal more respect for her sister’s abilities!

When we take charge we waste an opportunity for children to learn how to solve a conflict for themselves.

Basic Conflict Resolution
Most children get their introduction to conflict resolution in nursery school, or at daycare.

They're taught these 3 choices:
1. Use your words, not your fists.
2. If you don’t like how someone’s treating you, go play somewhere else or with someone else.
3. Can’t work it out? Get help from an adult.

And if they can do this at school they can certainly do it at home!

TIP: Tonight at dinner, ask this - “When another kid’s bugging you at school, what does your teacher want you to do about it?” If you don’t hear the 3 options above, take the time to talk about them. Once they know their choices, you need to then give them a chance to put them into action.

So instead of:
“If you two don’t stop fighting, that computer is off and will stay off for a week!”

It’s more like this...
“Mom she’s hogging the computer!”
“You sound pretty annoyed.”
“I am. I want you to tell her it’s my turn!”
“Hon, I’m not the one having the problem. What other ideas do you have?”
“Well last week we agreed we’d each get 30 minutes after school and she’s way over.”
“I see.”
“Maybe we need to write down the time when we start. Or could we use your kitchen timer?”
“Sure... looks like you've come up with a plan.”

Mediation
State the problem, ask for both perspectives and brainstorm for solutions.

Tip: Remember no taking sides, and don’t provide the solutions.

1.“It looks like you guys are having trouble working this out. Do you need some help?”
“She’s way over her 30 minutes and won’t get off!”
“Liar it’s only been 20 minutes.”
“Sounds like the problem is you can’t agree on how many minutes it’s been. How can you fix that?”

2. “There is one piece of chocolate cake and 2 hungry children. What do you two think would be fair?”

3. “You both need to feel satisfied with the decision. How about you take a break until you have more ideas, or someone’s willing to be flexible?”

For the younger child, redirection and choices can be helpful.
1. “I’m sure Susie will share when she’s ready. What would you like to do while you wait for your turn?”

2. “Looks like you’re having trouble sharing this toy. Would you like to set the timer and take turns, or come to the kitchen and colour for awhile?”

3. “What could you say to Johnny to let him know how you feel about that?”

4. A favourite from a parent in one of our classes: Their 3 year-old insisted on being noisy at bedtime, often waking up her younger sister. When she was asked how to remedy the situation, she said, “Dad could tiptoe”. An early attempt at brainstorming!

Yes, this approach takes a bit more time and creativity but both are well invested, for you are helping your children develop the life skills needed to have close, respectful and collaborative relationships with others. Watch for 4b next week!

Good luck!
Beverley

Last Call… Sign up now and save $65 on our Spring Parenting Courses!

If you missed our first 3 Principles please check our previous blogs in April and March.

Principle #3 – Is the bickering driving you crazy?

2010-04-11T09:19:00.007-04:00

Ever find yourself negotiating how many sprinkles each child has, or who touched who first? Or gone through a stop sign because you were focussed on what was going on in the back seat?

Often as parents we tend to get way too involved in our children’s bickering. We know children need to learn how to stand up for themselves – it is a survival skill – but the learning process can drive us crazy!

“Mom, he looked at me!”
“For goodness sakes, just ignore him! Or look the other way - he’s just trying to bug you.”

“Mom, it’s my turn, tell him he’s got to share!”
“If you two can’t work it out the game’s going away. Do you understand?”

“Susie, you’re an idiot!”
“If you can’t talk nicely to each other, I don’t want you talking at all!”

Here is the third in our series of 4 Key Principles to create the close, cooperative relationships we so dearly want between our children.

Principle #3: Stay out of it! The tricky part is knowing when to stay out of it and when to step in.

Some general guidelines for those low level conflicts – bickering, arguing and name-calling.

The 3R’s of conflict:
1. Retreat into your mind - ignore the fuss and dream of your next vacation
2. Request they take their behaviour someplace else – “Would you guys please handle this somewhere else.” TIP: A request is NOT a demand.
3. Remove yourself when you find the behaviour annoying, or if above didn’t work! – “This isn’t working for me. I’m going to the other room.”

Sounds like…
“Mom, he’s looking at me!”
“Mmm…”
“Tell him to stop!”
“This is between you and your brother.”
“Fine, I’m going to eat my cereal somewhere else!”

Or…

“Susie, you’re an idiot!” “Well at least I don’t have pimples all over my face!”
“Guys would you please take this someplace else. I’m reading here.”
“Well I don’t want to be with her anyways! I’m going to my room!”

Let the kids resolve as many issues as possible without stepping in. Today look for opportunities to use the 3Rs. Think - "Bring it on kids. I'm ready for you!"

For those times when you are tempted to step in - tune in next week for Principle #4 - where we'll explore when and how to intervene.

Special Offer – SAVE $65 on a Spring Parenting Course. Register now!

Have a great day!
Beverley

Encouragement - A Practice Challenge!

2010-04-05T20:02:00.004-04:00

I read something this morning and I just had to pass it on to you. I know you may be busy with children today, but that’s what makes this even more perfect – you have an audience to practice on!

But before you launch into that, DON’T skip this:

Important Message - our Early Bird Special ends at midnight. If you wanted to refresh your parenting skills, or invigorate your marriage, NOW is the time, and here’s the link => Catalogue.

We’re crazy about Encouragement Skills at Parenting Network, so here is a Practice Challenge from Jody McVittie a friend and colleague in Puget Sound. Guaranteed to help children feel valued and capable. P.S. Works great on partners too.

“Encouragement 2x10”: A home practice challenge
Offer a child 2 specific encouragements a day for 10 days.

Keys to remember:
• Encouragement is non-judgmental (That means avoiding words like good, great, super. Instead, use words that describe what you see: persistent, fair, focused, helpful, excited)
• Encouragement is honest and heart-felt and in the moment. (not offered directly in order to manipulate or change behavior)
• Encouragement is powerful when it is private. A quiet voice or note can work better than a public announcement.
• Encouragement can be non-verbal (an acknowledging smile), written (post it notes make wonderful encouragement tools) or spoken.

Sample encouraging statements - but use your own words!
• Descriptive Encouragement: I noticed you helping ____, I noticed how hard you’ve been working, I noticed how this seems to be of interest to you.
• Appreciative Encouragement: I appreciated your help today, I appreciated your idea, I appreciated your patience at the store.
• Empowering Encouragement: I know you can do this, I have seen you do things that are harder than this, I have confidence you can figure this out.

So challenge yourself and start a new healthy habit today!

Beverley

Beverley Cathcart-Ross
Co-founder Parenting Network
email: beverley@parentingnetwork.ca
web: www.parentingnetwork.ca
phone: 416-480-2499

“You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.”

Who started it? Sibling Rivalry Principle #2

2010-03-29T23:27:00.007-04:00

Who instigates most of the sibling fights in your house? Is the youngest looking for some attention from an older sibling? Or, the oldest taking out some frustrations on the middle one?

When we think we know who started it, the temptation is to referee and assign blame.

“Jimmy, if you can’t settle down like the others, there will be no story for you!”
“Jane, you’re older. Let your little sister have the toy!”
“There’s water all over the bathroom floor! Which one of you did this?”

When we do this, however, we’re creating roles or labels for our children: the aggressor, the victim, the responsible one. The risk we take? The label will stick, and our children will live up to our expectations.

This is the second in our series of 4 Key Principles to create the close, cooperative relationships we so dearly want between our children. (See March 23 for Principle #1)

Principle #2: “Put them in the same boat.” Or, another way of looking at it, STOP taking sides!

Taking sides encourages kids to point the finger with the hope of swaying a parent. Putting them in the same boat encourages an attitude of we are in this together, and underlines the idea that bystanders are responsible too. When it comes to conflict between children, it’s more important to find a solution than it is to find out who done it.

So shift your focus from one of blame to one of solutions. It will sound more like this:

“I’m willing to read stories when all is quiet.”
“Girls if you’re having trouble sharing the toys, why don’t you play separately for awhile.”

And if they try to blame:
“Boys, there’s water all over the bathroom floor.”
“Ben did all of the splashing, not me.”
“Did not!”
“It’s not important to me who did it. What’s important is what are you boys going to do about it?”

As the old adage goes, it takes two to fight. And if we constantly take sides, we cause resentment. Spreading shared responsibility can help siblings bond and work more cooperatively together.

Sibling Rivalry - Principle I

2010-03-22T23:17:00.005-04:00

Want your kids to stop fighting? Wish they acted more kindly towards one another? Maybe you even dream about them being best friends when they grow up? Well, if what you’re doing now isn’t working – it’s time for a change.

While sibling rivalry is very common in families, much of it can be avoided. One big contributor to the problem is something most parents do, too often - deny their children’s feelings.

We think we’re being helpful when we say things like:
“Don’t say you hate Mike, he’s your brother - you love him.”
“We don’t use that word in this house. It’s not nice.”
“That’s no way to talk to Lauren! You’re lucky you have a sister.”

While our intentions may be good... expecting a child to show warm, fuzzy feelings when they’re not feeling that way can lead to resentment and further retaliations.

There are 4 Key Principles to creating the close, cooperative relationships we so dearly want between our children.

Principle #1: Stop denying a child’s feelings. Instead, acknowledge their feelings, empathize and explore alternative actions.

“I understand that you’re upset that Mike knocked down your blocks. Instead of hitting, how could you let him know this?”
“You must be pretty upset to say you hate your brother. Do you want to tell me about it?”
“I see you’re mad that your sister got your shirt dirty – let’s see how she can help fix it.”

Validating your child’s feelings helps them feel understood, accepted, and unconditionally loved. This can have a calming effect, and make them more ready to listen. Exploring alternative actions gives them a tool they can use for the next time.(More on this in our next posting!)

Remember that all feelings are ok – just not all actions!

Watch for Principle #2 in our next Essential Parenting Tips posting.
To get a handle on this, and other family challenges, join one of our many popular Parenting Courses. Learn strategies and tools for all of those parenting moments. Your money back if it doesn’t change your life!

If you have a suggestion for a future article please drop us a line.

Teen Angst--When is it a serious depression?

2010-01-16T18:29:00.005-05:00

Depression among adolescents is common, but frequently not recognized by their family, teachers and even friends. Between 5% and 8% of all teens will experience periods of depression. This may range from the normal sadness and disappointment resulting from stressful life events to severe depression and even suicidal thoughts.

In Canada, suicide is the 2nd most common cause of death among young adults 15-29. It is almost twice as common in girls. This may well be that because in boys, it is frequently overlooked or mistaken for something else.

7 Warning Signs of Depression:

The following are most significant when they occur in combination and over a period lasting more than two weeks.
1. Sadness, anxiety and hopelessness.

2. Lack of interest in food or compulsive overeating with resulting weight loss or gain. Or, night time insomnia and daytime sleeping.

3. Social isolation. Friends are important to teens and if your child is withdrawing from friends, this is a sign of trouble.

4. Sudden drop in grades, cutting school, or relentless rebellion.

5. Psychosomatic complaints -- headaches, stomachaches, low back pain and fatigue.

6. Alcohol, drug use or sexual activity can be ways of coping with depression.

7. Suicidal feeling and behavior are a sign of serious depression and a real cry for help.

What should you do if you think your child is depressed?

Be sure to recognize the many ways that teenagers may manifest their depression. They will frequently deny that there is anything wrong with them and wish to be left alone. With sympathetic questioning, free from the fear of ridicule or "getting into trouble," they will admit to feeling sad or blue and will relate many of their other symptoms to depression.

The worrisome specter of teenage suicide cannot be ignored. It is imperative to find out if your child has any life-ending thoughts or urges. If there is any suspicion of this, then professional aid is imperative. A complete medical assessment is needed. The family doctor or paediatrician will be able to investigate the presence, severity and possible causes of the depression, including any physical causes. If drug or alcohol abuse is involved, your doctor should be able to spot it. If depression runs in your family, don't hesitate to tell the doctor.

Acknowledgements: Dr. Martin Wolfson, TVOntario September 4, 2001

Parenting Network has a number of supportive groups for parents of preteens and teens. So why go it alone when you can develop the skills, and get the support you need to navigate these years with more ease!

Wishing you the best,
Beverley Cathcart-Ross

Good Morning…Routine

2009-11-26T10:29:00.007-05:00

Do you almost lose your mind and voice each morning as you coax, remind and even threaten your kids? The stress can escalate all too quickly and leave a pallor on the rest of the day.

So what can we do to bring more peace and harmony to the mornings?

To continue click here Good Morning…Routine

Making Mornings Manageable

2009-11-26T10:20:00.009-05:00

If you dove right in after last week’s blog and started working on your family’s morning routine, you may have bumped up against Rule #1 with the kids: things almost always get worse before they get better. Most of us don’t like change. So take it as a good sign and don’t give up.

Rule #1 with parents: WHAT you say and HOW you say it is almost more important than anything else you do. With this in mind, here are some suggestions for working out the kinks and winning over even the most challenging child.

To continue click here Making Mornings Manageable

"Boy Smarts" Speaker Comes to the Toronto Area

2009-09-29T09:53:00.011-04:00

Parenting Network wants you to know about speakers who come to the Toronto area. These speakers we recommend to you, as they complement and add to what you're learning through our courses. Here's one, if you have a son!

Barry MacDonald is a teacher, therapist and father from Vancouver and spoke to a sold-out audience here in the spring. He's a specialist in parenting or teaching boys, and makes a return engagement this week.

More event details:

A great way to get a jumpstart on mentoring your son for success is to get yourself to Canada’s “Boy Expert” for an action-packed and fun-filled MUST SEE “Boy Smarts” presentation. Barry MacDonald’s talk is full of many "ah ha" moments that will leave your heart full with dozens of new ideas to be a calmer, happier and more effective parent.

Check out his website where you can sign up for his fabulous free e-newsletter and find loads of practical advice. Don't delay!

Order tickets from the box office today - Richmond Hill Tickets Box Office

Event flyer for more info: BoySmarts Richmond Hill event - Oct1 09

Comment back here on our blog once you attend. Share your insights. We'd love to hear about it!

Parenting Network is Toronto's leading company helping parents, caregivers and teachers to build relationships and family harmony. We've literally helped thousands of families over 20 years to create healthier family relationships and more harmony in your home through our courses, workshops, parent coaching, private counselling or classes.

If you are keen to make some family improvements, our classes will solve whatever little chaos you may have in your home… and that’s a guarantee!

Whether you’re the parent of a Toddler, Preteen or Teen, there’s a course to fit your stage.

Fall course registration is in full swing. Go to: Parenting Network to register now.

When a Parent's "I Love You" Means "Do As I Say"

2009-09-17T12:00:00.005-04:00

In The New York Times this week in an article by the same name, Alfie Kohn convincingly makes the connection between unconditional love and acceptance for a child with the parenting tools that carry this message into action. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/15/health/15mind.html?_r=1

You know the saying: "Actions speak louder than words", so you already know how desperately important this is. Read on!

Unconditional love is one of the 3 parenting attitudes needed to be effective with your child in the short and the long-term that we teach at Parenting Network. These attitudes are unique to our courses, and the secret to parenting effectively. [ Shh! Don't tell! ;-) It's secret!]

He pointedly shows how common parenting techniques (including those advocated by the "big" names of Dr. Phil and the Supernanny!) in fact do not lead parents to raise highly effective adults who are ready to meet life's challenges!

And since I haven't met a parent yet - in my 5 years of leading parenting classes & workshops - who has said: "Boy, I really want to make the childhood of my offspring more difficult & really give them lots of issues to deal with as an adult", then I KNOW that ALL parents (who are not negligent in their parenting role) have good intentions to love their children unconditionally.

So, what stands in your way to create the long-term results for your child that you want?

"I didn't know!" is a common refrain. Sometimes, out of the best intentions come unintended negative results long-term - another way of saying "ignorance" or just not knowing. Kohn outlines some of the common parenting techniques, even those advocated by the "big" names of Dr. Phil and the Supernanny, that don't stand the test of time!
"Parenting is experimenting, isn't it really? because nobody actually knows what will happen!" or lack of experience in parenting, because most of us haven't done it before. That's the beauty of the research studies quoted. They show that praising, criticizing, withholding love, withdrawing love, punishment, criticism, etc. don't work!

Quite often in our classes (maybe you're one of them - and that's okay!), parents tell me they don't understand how praise can be detrimental to a child's sense of how they see themselves--their self-esteem. Kohn writes clearly in the article about this connection and the negative long-term impact.

Conditions on love by parents does in fact lead to a child's loss of self-confidence, lack of closeness and caring in the parent-child relationship from the child's perspective. In our courses, you'll learn what ELSE doesn't work and what to REPLACE it with. And, we'll give you practice in class before you try it out at home!

Welcome back this fall to Parenting Network and the courses that support you through each step along the way. With us, you'll turn your good intentions into parenting moments with your kids that WILL stand the test of time - guaranteed!

Fall course registration is in full swing. Course size is limited - so don't delay!

Click on this link to see your course selection for parents of children, preteens, teens, How to Talk to Kids Will Listen, and maintaining a dynamic life partnership during your parenting years:
Parenting Network courses

by Joy Morassutti
Certified Parent Educator

Joy is Parenting Network 's specialist for the up to 10 years 'set' and teaches the "Parenting I - Raising Great Kids" course. Want to raise respectful, responsible, great kids? Parenting Network has helped thousands of parents do just that! This course is the place to start. Joy is also a trained parent coach - making positive and practical parenting solutions come together for you to create the harmony and joy you want to have in your home!

Looking for an Easy Transition Back to School?

2009-09-08T14:42:00.006-04:00

My street, that has been serenely quiet for 2 months, was a buzz this week with children’s chatter and giggles. There’s definite excitement in the air as another school year begins.

Some children will navigate this time with ease and others will be full of angst. If your child is in the latter group you’re likely carrying around some worry about how they’re going to manage this coming year. Now we know that worry won’t help, so let’s look at some simple steps for you to take that will help.

Step 1: Repeat the following three times - and out loud like you believe it! No cheating here. :)

“My child is capable of being resilient, adaptable and self-confident.”

Step 2: Visualize your child as already being there.

See their relaxed and happy face in other circumstances, and transfer it to school. Now picture you waving, relaxed and assured, as they go off to school with confidence. This is your goal for them– it may take a bit of time, but it can be done.

Step 3: Look for opportunities to encourage these attributes of resilience, adaptability and self-confidence in your child. Dig a little and I bet you’ll find many. Here are 3 ideas to get you started.

1. Don’t take away the ‘surprises’ in life. If you manage their life so it will go smoothly, for example – organize their pack, make their lunch, tell them yet again the plans for the day, book their play dates, etc. – how are they going to learn to handle the struggles and surprises of everyday life?

Or, perhaps you manage their life so your life will run more smoothly? Kids that pitch in, make decisions, and have a voice in family life feel more capable and confident. So be less quick to fix and find ways for them to take charge.

2. Next, make a sign reading “Mistakes are okay in our house” and post it in a prominent place. After all, if you’re going to do less for them it could be ‘ugly’ for a little while! You perfectionists out there will be shuddering but stay with me. Your child needs to be free of the fear of failure to embrace life fully, be adventurous and take some risk. So share the biggest goof of your day at dinner tonight, and sign the family up for wall climbing this weekend.

3. Confidence starts close to home. Children that can master their own community are then ready to master others. Some suggestions:

· Walk and talk. Walk to school, to local shops, to the park and talk about the streets, and the people that live in the homes you pass.
· Let your child lead. Have them show you how to cross a street safely, how to get home from here, and where the bus picks up.
· Encourage your child’s voice. Have them say hello to the crossing guard, place their own order to the ice cream vendor, and get to know the neighbours.

Good luck and we’re here to help if you could use a bit more parenting support and guidance. A great place to start is to check out our selection of Fall Classes at

parentingnetwork.ca!

Stay well!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross

Is Twitter too short for you to get your point across?

2009-08-13T18:10:00.001-04:00

Is Twitter too short for you to get your point across? For many teens, however, even Twitter’s 140 characters are still “way too much info”.

As the Mom of a teen-aged son, I should be so lucky as to have the luxury of his attention span for 140 characters. For example, when my son asks,
“What are you doing?”
I might say something like
“Oh, I’m making some caramelized onions for hamburgers and just to have on hand for later. We can use them for—”
Then I hear
“That’s enough, I get it” and he’s out of earshot already. I hear the screen door slam.
Teens want to know what’s going on but not too much and they want to be involved in family life but not too much.

When my son asks the meaning of a word in the book he’s reading, anything longer than a one word synonym is met with a glazed look.

Sometimes he asks a question and as I am opening my mouth, before I have uttered a syllable, I hear
“Never mind...”
Oh well, it’s not about the knowledge I am imparting; it’s about the fact that he’s still ostensibly seeking it in the first place.

And a seemingly simple question, like
“When’s dinner, Mom?”
actually might require a little out loud thinking on my part, such as
“Well, your sister is working the night shift and Dad’s running late so by the time we bbq I’m thinking around...”
If I get this far, I get a look that says ‘please skip to the end of the tape...’

Sometimes as parents we tend to see a question as an opening for conversation but that’s ambitious when you’re dealing with teenagers, I’ve found. We have to be careful we don’t stem the flow of questions by what they consider ‘over sharing’. And any info, if not specifically requested, can be superfluous.

Well, I’m glad that I’m learning to stop talking mid-sentence and that the questions keep coming. As long as they do, I know that the lines of communication are still open.
And when college rolls around again in a few short weeks, I will treasure all these brief moments, as fleeting as the summer days themselves.

Doone Estey
August 2009

Tips: Safer School Supplies

2009-08-12T12:53:00.006-04:00

Just as back-to-school shopping kicks into high gear, Environmental Defence has released a PVC-Free School Supply guide!

Polyvinyl chloride (also known as PVC, or vinyl) is used to make a lot of back-to-school products. PVC is a concern because it has dangerous chemical additives, including phthalates, lead, and cadmium. These chemicals may evaporate or leech out of PVC products, and may contribute to developmental disorders and damage of the liver, central nervous, respiratory and reproductive systems. Recent studies have linked PVC flooring in the home to increased rates of autism and asthma in children.

The good news is there are lots of school supplies that don't use PVC. That's where the guide comes in. Published by US-based Center for Health, Environment and Justice (CHEJ), the guide helps you choose safer, PVC-free supplies. Many of the safer alternatives listed (including brand-name food and beverage containers, backpacks, computers, shoes, and some writing supplies) can be easily found on store shelves across Canada.

Want a list of PVC-free school supplies? You can download it for free right now.

Too many lists? Follow this general advice when hitting the stores this summer:

Look for non-plastic products whenever possible
Steer clear of products labelled with the words "vinyl" on the packaging (e.g., vinyl 3-ring binders)
Don't purchase products with the #3 recycling symbol, or with the letters "V" or "PVC" underneath the recycling symbol (remember that bad news comes in #3's, don't buy PVC)
Call or email the manufacturer or retailer and ask what type of plastic their product is made of if you are uncertain - you have a right to know.

You can share the PVC-Free School Supply guide with your friends and colleagues - just send them a link to our blog.

Safe shopping,
Your team at Parenting Network

Birth Order - Is it the biggest contributor to personality?

2009-08-11T12:25:00.004-04:00

Birth Order is a fascinating topic and certainly hits the headlines on a regular basis. The question on everyone's mind is - does Birth Order predict personality or is it more a self-fulfilling prophecy? Listen to Beverley on 640AM radio today at 3:00pm EST as she helps unravel this question, and provides best practice ideas for parents!

2009-07-21T16:36:00.007-04:00

“You Can’t Make Me!” How kids assert their independence through defiance
from the August 2009 issue of Today’s Parent magazine

I remember it as plain as day: my four-year-old Sam squaring his shoulders, folding his arms and glaring at me. “You’re not the boss of me!” he said, as I insisted he help put his bike away in the shed.

Learning independence

While moments like these can be tricky to navigate, this kind of defiance is pretty normal at this age. Preschoolers are learning to be independent, capable of making decisions on their own. In fact, says Toronto parenting educator and parentingnetwork.ca founder Beverley Cathcart-Ross, “if they’re not asserting themselves, you should probably be a bit concerned.”

Sometimes children use their words: “You can’t make me” or “Bad Mommy” is a very direct way of expressing frustration with the situation. When a four-year-old says, “I don’t like you, Daddy,” she’s probably trying to hurt your feelings because you’ve hurt her feelings in some way, says Cathcart-Ross. A young child doesn’t have the self-control to resist saying hurtful things, or the language skills to express feelings in more socially acceptable ways. “And we can hurt our children’s feelings simply in the way we treat them,” she adds.

But the dawdler who takes forever to get ready, or sits in the corner oblivious to our pleas to get moving, is also sending a clear message. One way or another, defiant behaviour is a child’s way of expressing that she doesn’t like the demands being made on her.

Kids also have different priorities than their parents, and that can lead to conflict. A child engrossed in building a block tower, when you call him to the dinner table, may resist because what matters to him is finishing his project. “What’s bugging him is the power and control you have,” says Cathcart-Ross. The pitfall, of course, is to escalate the conflict with threats, shame or blame: “If you don’t come now, they’ll be no dinner for you.”

Creating an atmosphere in your home of co-operation rather than competition may help avoid power struggles, says Cathcart-Ross. “When kids feel they’ve lost the competition, they are likely to take the conflict to the next level, which is rebellion, revenge, retaliation (‘I don’t like you, Mommy’) and the blocks go flying in all directions.”

Dealing with defiance

Here are some suggestions from Cathcart-Ross for dealing with your child’s defiance:

Explain the needs of the situation As you get ready to leave the house in the morning, try saying “It’s leaving time. What do you need to do to be ready? Are you going to carry those shoes to the car or get them on? We’ve got to brush our teeth now or we’ll be late for school.” Sometimes parents forget to let kids know what’s expected.

Ask a question If a child is demanding cookies five minutes before lunch is ready, you might ask, “When do we have cookies in our house?” Questions encourage kids to stop and think about the situation. And they help us to avoid saying no, which can escalate the conflict.

Offer information or an alternative For example: “I can tell that you’re really hungry. Would you like to eat some carrot sticks now? Then we can have cookies for dessert later.”

Use humour “Uh-oh, the cookie monster is on the loose!” Kids are born to test your limits. Humour is a great way to head off a potential power struggle. Sometimes just a grin and a raised eyebrow will do the trick.

Involve your child in routines and decisions We often decide the routine, then expect our kids to follow it without question. If your daughter protests when you insist on a bath, you might say, “It seems like you really don’t like taking a bath. Let’s look at the calendar and see if we can decide on three days each week when you will take a bath.” When kids are treated as competent contributors, they tend to be more co-operative.

Disengage Some conflict is inevitable, but that doesn’t mean you have to engage in the power struggle. Parents can model effective ways to deal with conflict: “It seems like we’re having a struggle over turning off the TV before dinner. Let’s both take some time to cool down, then talk about it and see if we can come up with a solution together.” By doing this, you help kids learn to take charge of their own behaviour. They have a choice and a voice in the situation.

To read more parenting articles visit Parenting Network.

To help you make the shift towards more respectful, democratic approaches with your children visit Parenting Network for our listing of popular parenting classes. Registration is now on!

© 2002-2009 Parenting Network. WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Parenting Network has helped thousands of parents become their best since 1989. So, why wait a moment longer? Check out their website Parenting Network for a listing of popular parenting classes and products.

Parents: Training IS Required!

2009-06-19T12:18:00.008-04:00

“Parenting is one of the toughest jobs you’ll ever love.”

Certainly many of us have seen this popular aphorism used in advertising or highlighted in a magazine at least once since we’ve become parents. The underlying truth in this statement is that despite the Hollywood depiction of parenthood as wholly blissful and full of joy, being in the trenches with our children can be challenging, frustrating and down right difficult.

But what can we do? Gone are the days when extended families raised children together and the structure of our society is no longer conducive to the “it takes a village” approach to child rearing. The truth of the matter is that being a modern parent can be isolating and it is difficult to know where to turn for solid advice and guidance.

A poignantly written article by Anna Quindlen in a recent edition of Newsweek view Newsweek article ("A Teachable Moment: Being a parent is easy and intuitive, correct? Well, no-it's just customary to pretend that that's the case") references a study done several years ago by psychologist Laurie Miller Brotman where parents of young children from poor socioeconomic and troubled homes were enrolled in parenting programs emphasizing “consistent discipline, positive reinforcement for good behaviour – even how to get down on the floor and play.” The results were stunning and encouraging. “By the time the same kids were 11, both boys and girls were less aggressive, had less stress and the girls were less obese.”

This study speaks to the importance of parenting training. While most people will dedicate countless hours over their lifetimes updating work related skills and training to improve career success, there are few moms and dads who will take the time to register and attend a parenting course to improve skills for the benefit of their families. But investing a little time (an evening workshop or a 6 week course) can be well worth it – fewer power struggles, more sibling harmony, respectful and encouraging family communication and strengthened relationships.

From my own personal experience, aside from the helpful and applicable skills I’ve learned in the parenting courses I’ve attended, one of the biggest bonuses of being in these classes is the bonding with other struggling parents. Most of us (myself included) may sometimes pretend that we’ve got this parenting thing mastered. But there is something so liberating and refreshing about being in a room full of parents who are wiling to say “I messed up” or “my kid is driving me crazy” without recrimination. We listen to each other, gently offer respectful solutions and leave feeling refreshed, connected to other parents and hopeful for the future.

The bottom line is - parenting IS tough - but a little training will offer support and ideas to make this job one you truly will love.

Lori Wilson
Adlerian Parent in Training

For more information, email Joy at joy@parentingnetwork.ca
To help you make the shift towards more respectful, positive approaches with your children visit Parenting Network for our listing of popular parenting classes. Registration is now on!

© 2002-2009 Parenting Network. WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Parenting Network has helped thousands of parents become their best since 1989. So, why wait a moment longer? Check out their website Parenting Network for a listing of popular parenting classes and products.

Please share your opinion and perspective - comment on this post!

Happy Mother's Day: Improved Perspectives

2009-05-08T11:39:00.015-04:00

Mother's Day has become one of those celebrations that can be loaded with expectations. Expectations such as, what a mother "should be" or "should do", and can lead us to feelings of doubt, inadequacy and even a devastating sense of failure!

What we hope for ourselves as "Mom" also has the possibility to lead us to wonderful feelings of fulfillment. It happens in those joyous moments when you know you've made a difference in your childrens' lives, and when their hearts shine back at you, full of love!

We'd like to share with you the following 3 inspirations on this special day - Mother's Day!

May your day be filled with the beauty of who you are, and the realization of the many ways that your children are fortunate to have you as their very own mom!

Warmest wishes, from your Parenting Network Team

"MOTHERS"

Real Mothers don't eat quiche;
They don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils
Are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors,
Filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried play dough
Doesn't come out of carpets.

Real Mothers don't want to know what
The vacuum just sucked up.

Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?'
And get their answer when a little
Voice says, 'Because I love you best.'

Real Mothers know that a child's growth
Is not measured by height or years or grade...
It is marked by the progression of Mommy to Mom to Mother...

"The Images of Mother"

4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!

8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.

16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.

18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!

25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit a bout it!

35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.

45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?

65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

"An Ode to the Beauty of A Woman"

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she
Shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!

Thanks to Gillian Williams MacClean at sayingsofsuccess.com for this! Joy, Professional Coach and Parenting Group Facilitator at Parenting Network

For more information on how Parenting Network helps mothers and fathers to have the harmony at home they desire, go to http://parentingnetwork.ca/

THE JOYS AND CHALLENGES OF GRANDPARENTING

2009-04-16T18:11:00.011-04:00

The car in front of me had a bumper sticker saying,

If I Knew How Wonderful Grandparenting Was, I Would Have Done It First!

As a grandmother of 6 children from ages 6 to 13 years, I pondered this statement.

How is grandparenting different from parenting?

I loved the time I spent with my own kids. It certainly brought a lot of joys and rewards, but one can’t deny that it also had some challenging times. After all, as parents, my husband and I felt totally responsible for them in every way, just like our children feel now about their own children. Parents often run themselves ragged meeting all the schedules they set up for their children.

It is different with Grandparenting. We have the opportunity to widen their horizons, to expose them to various activities that perhaps their parents are not involved in. In our case, we can share our love of classical music, opera and sailing.

Not only can different activities be shared, but also a more relaxed attitude can be shown around the mistakes and difficult behaviours children often dish out. That combination of age and experience gives us the comfort to say, “This too will pass!”

Each grandparent can develop a certain special relationship with their grandchildren, which sometimes may be different from the one they have with their parents. The kids are smart enough to handle this. This doesn’t have to cause conflict, unless we feel the need to convince our grown children that our way is best! The parents’ position has to be respected, knowing that they also want the best for their children.

If our ideas of raising the grandkids are different from their own parents’, our major rule is: MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

It can be difficult but keeping a strong, cordial relationship with our children and their spouses is paramount.

So we can see our grandchildren more often because:

Grandparenting is great!

› Email Georgine@parentingnetwork.ca

Georgine Nash, Co-founder of Parenting Network.

Find out more about us at parentingnetwork.ca or browse our catalogue for available parenting courses in your area.

What is this Consensual Parenting?

2009-04-08T15:05:00.005-04:00

What is this Consensual Parenting?

If you saw the article last week on “Consensual Parenting” in the press, you might have had some unanswered questions.

Consensual parenting devotees give their children a lot of ‘choice and say’ in family decisions. For example, one mom was willing to cancel a doctor’s appointment if her child was crabby, or find childcare. The concern for many parents is - when is this an act of respect for the child and when is it pampering or permissiveness?

Often power struggles with young children can be avoided by providing the child a say in small matters. Generally, this approach works best when the parents’ lives are not too much affected by the decision. For example, not worrying if the child wants to go out with messy hair or the same favourite clothes day after day can be helpful.

You wouldn’t believe how much easier things can get when parents don’t “sweat the small stuff”. The problem is trying to decide exactly what “the small stuff” is, because it differs for every parent. However, once the parent starts doing extra work, ie laundry, to accommodate the child’s choice, then the pampering has started and it can be a slippery slope.

Parents have the right to make choices as well and have a say over what they are willing to do and not do. This is about self-respect – often a neglected concept these days!

Children should not have choices where absolute health and safety are concerned. But they can help decide how often broccoli is on the menu or how high they are going to climb on the monkey bars or how many spots something has to have before it goes in the laundry.

Bedtime can be tricky if the child believes he is being ‘shunted’ off to bed, but often a choice of lights out at 7:30 or 7:45pm and a choice of one story or two will solve the problem.
And if children are given the opportunity to choose what they are going to take for snack when they end up in the car on the way to the doctor’s office, the parent will likely get more co-operation.
To help you make the shift towards more respectful, democratic approaches with your children check out our website Parenting Network for our listing of popular parenting classes and products.

› Email Doone@parentingnetwork.ca

Doone Estey, Parent Educator.

Find out more about us at parentingnetwork.ca or browse our catalogue for available parenting courses in your area.

Spring Early Bird Special on Essential Parenting Courses

2009-03-22T19:43:00.002-04:00

Here's our Spring line-up of Parenting Courses and some Early Bird Specials are still available!

No time for a full course? Well, how about a 2 hour investment!

Listening From The Heart evening of April 20

Speaking From the Heart evening of April 27

The Essentials

Parenting I Raising Great Kids!
Tuesday mornings @ Granite Club NEW location - guests welcome!

Tuesday evenings @ High Park / Bloor West area NEW location!

Wednesday evenings @ St. Clair & Avenue area NEW location!

Thursday evenings @ Bayview & Eglinton

Parenting II A Problem-solving Group Helping you take your parenting to the next level!

Thursday evenings @ Bayview & Eglinton

Tuesday mornings @ Castlefield & Yonge

How to Talk So Your Preteen/Teen Will Listen, and Listen So Your Preteen/Teen Will Talk

Wednesday evenings @ St.Clair & Avenue LAST chance for this year!

Preteens Learn how to be effective as your child becomes a preteen

Parenting Preteens - Thursday mornings @ Verity Club

Parenting Preteens - Monday evenings @ Greenwood College School NEW location!

Teens - Adolescence is often a time of great turmoil. You won't want to miss this course!

Parenting Teens @ Mount Pleasant & Bloor NEW location!

Dynamic Life Partnership A strong couple relationship is the best way to help your family

Thursday evenings, starting Thursday, April 16 - A 'must-take course' for couples

Siblings (and friends) Without Rivalry - Early Bird SPECIAL LAST chance this year!
Siblings Without Rivalry Respond effectively when they fight, and watch their relationships improve!

Questions or more information, email beverley@parentingnetwork.ca or phone 416 480 2499

SOS – Three Kids under Three!!

2009-03-03T12:59:00.022-05:00

Great Ideas for That Child That's Out of Control

Note From Beverley: One year ago, Susan joined my parenting class looking for ways to stop having meltdowns or ‘adult tantrums’ around her children. She went home after that first evening encouraged and on a mission. She was hooked!

Today, Susan radiates calmness and improved confidence. And no wonder… she and her husband are communicating more effectively, and they’re both enjoying more cooperation, respect and closeness with children.

So it’s with great pleasure that I share with you this month’s article “SOS – Three Kids Under Three!!” written by Susan herself. Full of tips and solutions for those stressful moments when a child is out of control!

“SOS – Three Kids Under Three!!”
By Susan Inglis

This is the tale of one busy and blessed family! Two beautiful boys and a brand new baby girl make for an interesting dynamic and offer some real challenges that many readers will relate to and can learn from. Let’s take a look at their situation:

The eldest son, Sean, is three. The newly crowned middle child, Thomas, is one and a half, and little Suzie sunshine is three weeks old. The first few weeks of settling in with a new baby are relatively peaceful and trouble free -- filled with visitors, food and presents. But by week four the reality of this situation has begun to sink in. Dad is back at work full-time and mom is dealing with sleep deprivation and the demands of handling three small children. There is laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping …and trying to find the time to meet the needs of Sean, Thomas and Suzie (not to mention herself!). No matter how you slice it, three under three is not easy!

To make matters worse, the middle child starts to live up to stereotype and begins to act out. Thomas absolutely refuses to go down for his afternoon nap and quickly turns to screaming, yelling and running from his room. Mom patiently returns him to his “big boy bed” only to have him repeat his behaviour. No amount of cajoling and compromising will suffice and the minutes tick by. Finally, after two hours of frustration, Thomas falls asleep from exhaustion.

Unfortunately, this situation continues to escalate and a few days later he decides to dump a one-litre bottle of cooking oil all over his bed just prior to nap time. And while his mom is busy cleaning up, little Thomas gets into the fridge and dumps milk on the kitchen floor. Mom is able to remain calm on the outside, but inside she is feeling progressively more helpless, powerless and disappointed in her son. Thomas continues to push her buttons. He continues his rampage of yelling, grabbing everything in his warpath, and even taking a swipe at the baby.

Mom’s patience finally wears thin as the baby starts crying and the three-year-old begins whining for a drink. It’s not long before she really starts reacting to Thomas’ behaviour and begins her own tirade of yelling, demanding, threatening, and handling him more roughly than usual. And then there’s the guilt that consumes her following such an episode.

Can you feel the frustration this mom is experiencing? Listening to this story, it becomes clear how even the calmest of parents could get to the point of yelling and sometimes, even hitting, a child. We love our children more than anything in the world, yet all too often we get sucked into their drama and react to their behaviour. In this scenario, mom needs to take a big step back, gain some perspective on the situation and come up with a new game plan. Hurting the child, as she’s feeling hurt, is not an option.

Beverley Cathcart-Ross, a parent educator for more than twenty years with the Parenting Network, says the first thing parents must do is to find a way to stop reacting and getting discouraged by their child’s behaviour. This can be a tall order. But if we don’t make a concerted effort, we run the risk of feeling hurt and our reflex could be to hurt back.

So a good place to start is to look behind the behaviour at what Thomas may believe to be true. There is purpose to his behaviour even though it may not always seem logical to us. A child that is acting out is a discouraged child, a hurting child. And this is the big test for parents. It’s vital for a child to have the confidence that you love and believe in them regardless of their behaviour. Unfortunately, it can be so easy for negative thinking to creep in during stressful times and we can lose faith in our child or ourselves as a result. So, when ‘you know what’ hits the fan, remind yourself that this too shall pass. Dispel that crazy thought that your child is going to end up living on the streets in a life of crime!

For like all children, Thomas simply needs a sense of connection and belonging in his family. The addition of the new baby has completely upset his world. Old familiar routines have changed or disappeared. His place and role in the family has been irrevocably altered and new routines and roles have not yet been established. It’s a time of transition for everyone in the family and transitions can be very unsettling for young children. He’s feeling confused, hurt, maybe even abandoned, and unloved at times.

However, Thomas’ parents need to realize that reacting to this behaviour only reinforces his feelings of unloveability and abandonment. So what CAN a parent do in this situation? Beverley offers the following advice:

1. Connection – Be Proactive – Give him attention before he demands it with his unruly behaviour. It is important that we give our children our undivided attention at least three times a day – morning, noon and night. It only takes a moment to make eye contact with your child, give a hug and/or kiss. Yet, too often the endless ‘to do’ list in our head keeps us running from morning to night. When the kids are playing nicely, we tend to work on the dishes and laundry. Taking a moment to check in and notice your children during these positive moments will help them feel connected to and appreciated by you.

2. Belonging – What is my new role here anyway??? Hugs and cuddles are great for connection, but what about belonging? A child needs help finding a positive place for himself in this new family dynamic. One tool that can help is to give him ways to contribute around the house. Mom doesn’t have to do it all. In fact, the more she can include the older children in daily household tasks, the better. Young children can match socks or learn to fold the dish clothes. In the kitchen children can help to mix, stir, pour and they can even help set the table. Next time mom could say “I need some help setting the table, Thomas, can you help me?”, and watch the pleasure he gets from feeling needed and contributing to his family. The benefit to him far outweighs the extra time it takes for mom to have him involved.

3. Routine, Routine, Routine!!! I really can’t stress this one enough. The more predictable and consistent the daily routine, the more secure the child will feel. When he knows he’s going to have 10 minutes of playtime with mom as soon as the baby is asleep, he can relax and stop interrupting and making demands for her attention.

Now that child #3 is here, old routines have changed. Taking some time to figure out what the new routine will be is worth the effort. When will breakfast, cuddle and playtime, story time, outdoor time be? What is the special activity for today i.e., a playmate with a friend or grandpa coming over for dinner? Make sure you include your needs in the routine, i.e., arranging to have a teenager come over after school to be a ‘mother’s helper’ for a few hours before dinner can be a nice routine and give mom a breather.

Hopefully, implementing these suggestions will completely eliminate Thomas’ outbursts. However, because we ultimately cannot control our children, there is always the possibility that unwanted behaviours may resurface. If this happens, Beverley suggests the following:

Keep Calm and Carry on - Find a way to keep the child safe, to stay calm yourself and to not engage the child in lengthy discussions and explanations. Children under three are not yet in the age of reason, making a lot of words and explanations unhelpful. With consistency and the following important attitudes, Thomas will find his positive sense of belonging in time. And with it, he’ll be a happy guy to have around.

1. “This too shall pass” – Accept that what is happening is happening right now and that it won’t last forever. Have faith that you and your child will get through this. I used to set my watch timer as a distraction to see exactly how long it would take for the wave of outrageous behaviour to pass.

2. “I still love you but I’m not crazy about THIS behaviour” – Separate the deed from the doer. There is a great book published by Scholastics called Bombaloo. It is worth getting a copy of this book. It describes a child that is taken over by her hurt feelings and goes ‘bombaloo’. When your child goes ‘bombaloo’, they really aren’t themselves. It can be a little scary for them too when they get taken over by their strong emotions. It is important to reassure them that you still love them, even when they are ‘bombaloo’!

Good Luck!

To help you make the shift towards more respectful, democratic approaches with your children visit Parenting Network for our listing of popular parenting classes. Registration is now on!

© 2002-2009 Parenting Network. WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Parenting Network has helped thousands of parents become their best since 1989. So, why wait a moment longer? Check out their website Parenting Network for a listing of popular parenting classes and products.

Tips For Handling Your Child's Next Meltdown!

2009-01-29T22:49:00.006-05:00

Q. My son has a meltdown or temper tantrum whenever he doesn’t get what he wants. How should I handle it? - Frazzled Mom

A. I’m going to make a guess that when your son “doesn’t get what he wants” there’s likely a parent and, perhaps the word “No” involved? It’s amazing how such a small word can trigger such a volcanic eruption from a child. And not only from a child, we can erupt too. Just remember how you reacted the last time one of your children said “NO!” to you when you made a request? Thought so.

One incredibly simple way to avoid these meltdowns is to use this great parenting tool - “Alternatives to No”.

Let me give you some examples.

To a young child, INSTEAD OF:
“No you can’t have a cookie. We’re about to have dinner.”

ALTERNATIVES TO NO:

“When do we have cookies in our house?” (Tool – Letting the routines be the 'boss')
“Cookies sound like a great idea. Should we put some on a plate for our dessert?” (Tool – Redirecting the child)
“You sound very hungry. Since it’s just about dinner you can have some carrot sticks or a glass of milk. Which would you prefer?” (Tool – Giving a choice)

To a Teen, INSTEAD OF:
“No I can’t drive you to the Mall right now, can’t you see I’m busy making lunch?”

ALTERNATIVE TO NO:
“I will be available to drive you and Cheryl to the mall at 3:00 if you can wait ‘til then.” (Tool - Say ‘what you are willing to do’ to help your child or teen achieve their goal.)

ALTERNATIVES FOR MORE RISKY SITUATIONS:

“It’s minus 15 degrees, so we all need our mitts today. If you don’t want to wear them now, you can put them in your pocket or in your backpack for later.”

“We hold hands when we’re in a parking lot so that drivers can see us.” Or “You can hold my hand or my coat. You decide.”

(Tools – Giving Information, and Giving a Choice)

As you can see there are plenty of alternatives to saying “No”. When you invest a moment and help your child find a way to fulfill their desire, you turn a knee-jerk reaction “no” into a “yes” or a “maybe”. All it takes is a little practice.

And you’ve got to agree that not only does it sound better, but it gives you a better shot at cooperation too!

So here’s my challenge to you! Tomorrow go one entire hour without using the word “No”. The next day go two hours, and so on. You’ll be amazed at the results - fewer reactions from your child and more acceptance of the ‘needs of the situation’.

Good Luck!
Joy Morassutti

To help you make the shift towards more respectful, democratic approaches with your children check out our website Parenting Network for our listing of popular parenting classes and products.

Our family is giving the new AGO a thumbs-up!

2009-01-29T08:52:00.004-05:00

My husband & I took a couple-only weekend away recently. We decided to take advantage of what our city has to offer. We spent Saturday touring the Art Gallery of Ontario & thoroughly enjoyed that.

We thought it was a great building. We loved the architecture, the galleries, and the art. We decided it would be a great destination for our children too.

As a result, I took the kids there over the holidays. Our 8-year loves drawing & enjoyed touring the galleries. She left behind one of her own contributions to the Gallery in one of the many “hubs” for inter-active and creative expression. Our 11 year old really connected with the contemporary art. I must say it's the most I've ever enjoyed looking at modern works, too. And the building that houses them is great fun too!

Need an idea for your next family fun-time outing? Consider the AGO. There's something there for all ages. Our family is giving the new AGO a thumbs-up!

- Joy Morassutti

What Kind of Parent Are You?

2009-01-08T08:32:00.019-05:00

"Your children will become what you are, so be what you want them to be." - David Bly

One of our biggest parenting tools is what we role model to our children. So it’s a good idea to occasionally take stock of our approach as a parent since it follows us throughout our parenting years. And what better time than now, at the beginning of a New Year. So I devised this little test.

What Type of Parent Are You?
Read how the following 4 parents get a child out of the house in the morning, and see which one sounds most like you!

Parent #1
"How many times have I told you there’s no TV in the morning. Turn it off now or there will be no TV for a week."

"You still haven’t got your backpack ready. What is the matter with you? Your sister’s 2 years younger than you and she’s ready!"

"You need to put your mitts on or your hands will get cold today. It’s not a choice."

This is the Autocratic parent. Their Tool kit includes blame, threats, and commands - spiced up with a sprinkling of Fear.
The big problem we’re creating for ourselves when we behave like the boss is that our children have only one of two choices - submit to our demands, or be defiant. Neither leads to cooperation, independence or respect.

Parent #2
"Okay, okay. Watch some TV. Just stop the whining. And don’t think that means you can watch tomorrow."

"You’re so slow. Here let me handle your pack – just get your coat on. We’re going to be late again!"

"Fine, don’t take your mitts. You’ll wish you had listened to me when your hands get cold."

Permissive parenting is the opposite of Autocratic. Here the child runs the show and the parent is submissive.
Giving-in to the child, with much exasperation, is big in this Toolkit. Permissive parents tell me they walk on eggshells around their child. They’ll do anything to avoid another volcanic eruption.

Parent #3
"Why don’t you watch some TV while I get things packed and ready for the car. I’ll let you know when it’s time to get your coat on."

"Your pack is at the door. I put in some clean clothes for gym today."

"Here’s your coat and mitts – it’s time for us to go."

The biggest damage of Pampering is a child grows up with a sense of entitlement and no sense of responsibility.

Pampering is a new parenting style. The big difference between this style and Permissive parenting is that the parent overdoes for the child willingly!

Parent #4
On a good day when all the stars are aligned, we can sound more like this:

"I see the TV on. When is it we watch TV in our house?… That’s right, after school. If that show’s really important you know you can record it for later."

"It’s 5 minutes to leaving time. Is there anything you need to do before we go?"

"It’s a cold day today. If you don’t want to wear your mitts why don’t you tuck them in your pack should you change your mind later."

This is the Democratic parenting style. And I’m sure you’ll agree that these statements are dramatically different.

You definitely have a better shot of getting your child’s co-operation and respect with this parenting style. This is accomplished by focussing them on ‘the needs of the situation’, giving them more control over decisions and behaving in a respectful manner.

So which parenting style sounds most like you?
Most parents tell me that they dabble in a couple and swing like a pendulum from one style to another.

Either way, if you see some room for improvement you’ve taken the first step - self-recognition. Then it’s simply about learning some skills and replacing the unhealthy tools in your Toolkit with more respectful ones.

Like many of the important things in life, changing patterns takes time and practice. Just as it would if you were to take up a new sport or learn to play the piano.

So get the help or support you need and cut yourself some slack!

Beverley Cathcart-Ross

To help you make the shift towards more respectful, democratic approaches with your children check out Beverley’s Audio CD: Parenting Styles: Making The Right Choice For Your Child and visit Parenting Network for our listing of popular parenting classes.

Joy's pick for "2008 best radio segment"

2008-12-17T21:25:00.005-05:00

It is the time of year for "picks", is it not? :-)

I heard Stephen Jarislowsky on the radio earlier this week. His clear-sightedness & straight talk made it a very inspiring piece.

Jarislowsky is a Canadian billionaire & philanthropist in Montreal, and an officer of the Order of Canada. He's in his 80s & a humble man--his mindset reminds me of the late Mirvish. One of Canada's unsung heroes, I believe.

From Wikipedia:
"Apart from his personal business pursuits [the investment management firm Jarislowsky, Fraser], he is an outspoken defender of business ethics (and a critic of ethical breaches). In 2002 he co-founded (with Claude Lamoureux) the Canadian Coalition for Good Governance to further this cause, focusing on such contemporaries as Frank Stronach and Conrad Black for their corporate excesses.

"In several magazine and newspaper articles between 2002 and 2004, Jarislowsky correctly predicted the deep economic recession which began in 2008 in the United States and spread around the world. On December 16, 2008, in an interview on CBC's The Current, he opined that the current recession will last at least two to five years and may last much longer if corrective measures are not taken by governments and the general public. He further argued that inflation is the only solution in the circumstances to reducing the enormous debt loads held at all levels of society and that massive government spending is also needed immediately to stimulate the economy."

I'm giving the green gift this year of inspiration, and shared with gratitude that we have what it takes in this country! Love to all, Joy

When Parents disagree

2008-12-13T14:12:00.001-05:00

When parents disagree about parenting

Both parents have the best of intentions in raising their children. They both want their children to be successful, responsible and well liked by people around them.
There are two major systems of motivation, democratic and autocratic, and most people automatically incorporate the system they were brought up with.

Your husband believes that pointing out mistakes, winning approval and avoiding disapproval is the best way to motivate your child, thus the child will learn the right and proper behaviors. However, the child can feel that he is more loved and more worthy when he is approved of, and less loved and less worthy when he is disapproved of.

You seem to have the sense that your husband’s motivational system can be undermining the child’s self-esteem by restricting the child’s judgment and creativity. This reduces the child’s feelings of being his own person.

Instead of questioning your husband’s behavior and criticizing him, develop the attitude that he also wants the best for his child. Criticizing and disapproving of your husband is actually using the same system that you want your husband to stop using with your child. By adopting this new attitude of respect, you can model that people can have differences of opinion and not have their self-esteem diminished. In other words, when we get out of the “I’m right” and “you’re wrong” restrictive framework, we realize that our spouses are more open to new ideas and ways of parenting. Some encouragement when they get it “right” are always helpful too.

Ultimately you can only be responsible for your own relationship with your child. Show him that he is valued and loved unconditionally. Everyone will make mistakes, and they still can be respected for doing their best. Show faith in him that he will learn from his mistakes, and not feel diminished.

By your example of showing unconditional love, respect for other peoples’ opinions and having faith in their ability to handle adversities, your husband can then judge which system will achieve better results.

Georgine and Marty Nash

The Tragedy of Brandon Crisp

2008-11-15T16:53:00.005-05:00

Parents of teens all over Toronto, probably all over the country had been waiting for the news of what happened to 14 year old Brandon Crisp. He had been missing since Thanksgiving Monday, after a fight with his parents over the excessive use of his Xbox. Then the terrible news broke when Brandon’s body was found last week.

A shock wave had gone through the community. Parents of teens were devastated and wondering what went so terribly wrong.

Using the parent’s power to take away Brandon’s prized game box seemed to be a good solution to help the boy get over his obsession. However, when using power or control over others, we face possible backlash, such as Brandon running away from home. In today’s democratic atmosphere, using power over another human being is disrespectful, even if it is done with the best of intentions. The only exception is when the situation is life-threatening.

Sitting down with the teen and solving the problem together would be a much more effective way to deal with the situation. Using respectful communications skills, parents should first listen to the teen’s position and how strongly he feels about it. Then share with him their position and the reasons for it. And finally, together they should search for a mutually acceptable solution. Problem solving is not effective when done in a medium of anger.

by Georgine Nash, Co-founder of the Parenting Network

Cooperation is such a wonderful word

2008-10-16T10:02:00.010-04:00

It conjures up positive feelings like togetherness, unity, and harmony. As parents we’d all love more of this stuff in our families!

If you’re not living in a cooperative environment, you might be experiencing competition. People competing to get their way, which can foster a family environment that leads to stress, rivalry, and hurt feelings. Something too many of us experience everyday.

A key ingredient to a cooperative home is Family Atmosphere.
What do I mean by Family Atmosphere? How you talk with each other, how you deal with conflicts, your family values, and even your approach to mistakes will impact the atmosphere of your home.

Here are 5 suggestions that will help you have a great family atmosphere.

#1 - Tone of Voice
Let’s kick off with tone and volume of voice. A simple example is yelling. Do you yell or bark orders around the house? Because if you do, it’s highly likely your children yell too which creates a volatile, noisy and perhaps aggressive atmosphere. (If in doubt, just think about the last time that you called your kids to come to dinner.)

So I’m inviting you to take charge of your behaviour, and here’s how. First, tell your kids and partner about your decision, and ask them for their help – you’re likely going to need it. Breaking patterns and setting up new habits takes time. And here’s the Bonus – since you’re not going to be yelling for them, you won’t respond to their yelling for you.

How will this look and sound?
Tonight, instead of yelling up the stairs “Dinner’s ready, come down!” you are going to walk to their room and say “Dinner’s ready. I look forward to seeing you at the table.” If you have a teenager, I recommend you knock on their door first. In all, it’s only an investment of perhaps one-minute and yet it speaks volumes. It models respect for others, good manners, and lets the child know he’s valued in this family.

That looks after respect of the child, now let’s look at respect for you. Next time they yell for you from the top of their lungs and from the top of the house, do nothing. Don’t go to them (unless it’s an emergency), and don’t yell back. You wait, or if they’re nearby, say in a calm voice “I’m in the kitchen if you need me.”

Guess what will happen?
Typically the child will keep yelling and perhaps even louder if you don’t respond. So don’t expect miracles the first few times. As long as you are consistent, your kids will figure this out pretty quickly. They’ll eventually come looking for you, or even better solve more problems for themselves!

#2 - Affection and Connection
On a brighter note, affection and connection are vital to family atmosphere. These provide a child with a positive sense of belonging and self-worth.

I have a “Rule of 3”. Do something 3 times and your child will get it! 3 hugs a day, 3 reminders of how they are “loved no matter what” - even when they are behaving in a difficult manner.

Research shows over and over again the power of closeness. All children do better with affection, even your teenager. It can be as simple as a rub of their shoulder, a wink from across the room, or a cuddle.

I offer many more tips on how to be a more positive parent in my Encouragement Skills CD.

#3 - Dealing with Conflicts
How you deal with differences and conflicts in your home will contribute to the level of cooperation you’ll receive.

Let’s start with the timing. Your most effective problem solving happens when you and your child are calm. Introduce phrases like “Let’s talk about this when we are both calm”, or “I love you too much to fight, I need a little time out for me.” Or “This isn’t working, I think we need a little calming down time.” Notice I said ‘we need’, not “you”. This is non-blameful and goes a long way to gaining cooperation.

If you have a tendency to argue with your children, or have the need to be right or have the last word, you are not going to get the cooperation you are looking for. It’s time to lead your family in a more positive manner.

The goal is to engage in discussions, not arguments. So again, remove yourself if it starts getting heated and return to the discussion when you are calm. This is great modeling!

#4 - Mistakes Are Okay in Our House
Is this the message you give your children? We know a child’s growth relies heavily on first hand experience, on taking some risks. So our role is to provide a safe landing pad when they fail or use bad judgment. An attitude shift that might help would sound like this “Mistakes are okay in this house. What’s important is that you learn from the mistake and that you get up and try again!”

P.S. If you or your partner is a perfectionist, mistakes are likely not okay! Perfection doesn’t make for a comfortable or natural environment for children.

#5 - A Voice and Say
This last key ingredient to improving family atmosphere is giving your child a way to contribute to the family, wherever possible. This can be in the form of a “voice and say” in decisions, or doing a job.

If you’re not sure where to start, take your clue from your child. Next time they complain about the service, for example, “You cut my sandwich in squares, and I wanted triangles!” – guess what? You’re going to teach them how to do their own sandwiches from now on!

If they complain about the bedtime routine, work on a new one together.

Involve your child wherever possible. For example, next time you invite friends for the evening, give your child a job. Would they like to hang up coats, carry around the tray of appetizers, or help make the dessert? Involve them and cooperation happens like magic!

So have some faith and keep modeling the values that are important to you. In my experience, it’s so true, "in the end the apple does not fall far from the tree".

Beverley Cathcart-Ross

For more parenting tips, classes and products, visit parentingnetwork.ca

When Parents Disagree

2008-09-17T11:15:00.006-04:00

Lindsay: Oh, I forgot to tell you. I’m getting a ride to Ryan’s party from Kate.

Dad: Ryan’s party?

Lindsay: Yeah, on Saturday. Oh, and her curfew is midnight and she said she’ll bring me home a few minutes before.

Dad: Your curfew is 11 o’clock, honey.

Lindsay: But everyone is staying until 12 – and I’ve been really good about coming home on time.

Mom: That’s true, Mike. Maybe just this once…

Dad: No! We have rules in this house. I don’t care about what everyone else is doing. A curfew is a curfew.

Sound familiar?
Any parent of a teen can imagine where this is going. Being parents is always a matter of negotiation – progressing very quickly from disagreeing over nap times to implementing curfews.

Here are some tips to help parents work together:

Embrace differences.
Couples often have different opinions about important aspects of their life together, such as how to spend money, or where to vacation. Why should raising children be any different? Every parent brings his own emotional baggage from his childhood to his parenting style. Thus, it is critical for parents to appreciate from the very beginning that they will often find themselves agreeing to disagree.

Compromise is king.
The important thing for parents is to recognize that differing approaches deserve equal consideration. When a disagreement arises, before things get too heated, parents should try to have a healthy discussion. They should listen to each other’s perspectives, acknowledge the other’s point of view -- and reach an agreement that is acceptable to both. Remember – it’s not about winning, it’s about resolving the matter in a way that makes sense to both parents and, hopefully, to the child as well.

Rules have exceptions.
One benefit of two parental perspectives is that children learn that not all situations are resolved in the same way. When parents agree on a consistent plan ("Absolutely NO getting in the car with someone who has been drinking!") it is easy for them to implement it. However, there should also be room for sometimes compromises. For example, "You can go to the party this time provided you check in with us" means that children learn that the rules are steadfast in some situations and malleable in others. This gives them the benefit of more freedoms than if they had two strict parents -- and more limits than if they had two permissive parents.

Learn from each other.
Sometimes one parent is interested in trying new approaches to parenting, whether learned from a friend, a book or a class. If the other parent is resistant, all is not lost. Children will notice the changes in the one parent’s approach and will respond accordingly. When the other parent observes the positive response, they will likely begin to try the new skill at their own pace.

Should parents present a ‘united front’?
This is a great idea in theory, but practically speaking, children know from a very young age who to go to for more allowance, help with their homework, someone to make them a snack or permission to do anything fun.A more effective approach might be to have an open discussion with the child, with input from all 3 parties and everybody’s reasons for their points of view all out on the table.

The key here is to be respectful to each other and to be ready to compromise.

Modeling respectful conflict skills is one of the most important gifts parents can give their children. After all, how will children ever learn to deal with conflict in an emotionally mature way if it always takes place behind closed doors?

Seeing practical examples of how to resolve conflicts is essential to children’s healthy development. Even when there is a good parent/bad parent scenario, if parents explain their rationale, children will see that both mom and dad have their best interests at heart.

So in our alternative scenario, Dad and Mom sit down with Lindsay and explain their concerns -- and a compromise is reached.

Dad: I suppose that if you promise to check in around 11, don’t go to anyone else’s house and come home with Kate, it would be okay.
Mom: And you know we’re here to pick you up if you need us. The main thing is your safety so we hope you will always be honest with us.

by Doone Estey

For more parenting tips, classes and products, visit parentingnetwork.ca