“If you really cared for me, you wouldn’t ..."

Children whose parents use guilt or withholding love have trouble working out disagreements well into adulthood, according to a new study.

“To maintain healthy relationships, it is important to be able to assert one’s own beliefs during a disagreement while also continuing to be warm toward the other person,” said lead author Dr. Barbara Oudekerk, a psychologist at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville. Previous studies have found that teens who struggle with confidently expressing their opinions during a disagreement are at risk for using hostile methods in their own relationships and experiencing depression and loneliness in close relationships in adulthood.

For the study, 184 teens were interviewed at the age of 13 and again at 18, answering questions about how often their mother or father exerted psychological control, such as using guilt, withdrawing love, fostering anxiety or employing other manipulative techniques.

Some parents used psychological control by saying, for example, “If you really cared for me, you wouldn’t do things to worry me,” or by becoming distant when their teens didn’t see eye to eye with them.

Researchers also assessed the teens’ ability to reason, to “be their own people” and to express confidence, as well as their ability to show warmth and connection at ages 13, 18 and 21, partly by recruiting and surveying the teens’ close friends. Researchers watched the subjects and their friends or romantic partners have disagreements and discussions on tape and coded their interactions for confidence, warmth and collaborativeness. The study team reported their results in the journal Child Development.

“In this study, we examined psychological control on a continuum, and found that the more psychological control parents exerted, the more difficulties teens had establishing a sense of independence and closeness during a disagreement with close friends and romantic partners,” Oudekerk said.

“Over all, we found that the more psychological control youth experienced from parents, the less likely they were to express their own opinions, give reasons why they felt that way and do so in a warm, collaborative way,” she said. “We are not able to tell, exactly, how much ‘too much’ psychological control is.”

The researchers do not know why psychological control predicts less autonomy and relatedness later in life, but these kinds of parenting practices might teach youth that disagreeing with their parents or others can hurt the relationship, and instead it is better to just agree, she said.

 “In general, psychological control is not a good way to parent, so it would be better if parents didn’t use psychological control at all,” said Dr. Judith Smetana, an adolescent development researcher at the University of Rochester in New York. “There’s really no ‘good’ amount.”

What can parents do to turn the tide? In our experience, the biggest contributor to a parents struggle with their teen is FEAR. Fear of their teens safety; fear of external factors such as social media, street drugs, and alcohol use. Fear of the unknown is another minefield. A teens need for privacy often feels like rejection to a parent and contributes to a parent's sense of isolation from their teen. This can fuel a tremendous amount of anxiety and more fear.

Breaking this vicious cycle is not an easy task, and the best place to begin is to believe in your teen again. See them as capable, as being able to handle the outcome of their choices - even if they don't handle it well they are capable of learning and growing from their experiences. You are their safety net to help them when they fall. 

Don't go it alone. Get the support you need to navigate these years in a healthy manner. Sign up for a parenting class, see a counselor, reach out. They are worth it and so are you.

We have a new Preteen/Teen class starting in a few weeks, join us!

All the best,

Beverley & Doone

416-480-2499 or 416-944-0412

What's the Most Important Parenting Tool?

When parents ask us this question we go straight to the Three Principles that we feel guide and influence everything we do. It’s our secret sauce in parenting, we call it LRB. It’s more powerful than any tool or strategy we can give you. 

Children raised in an atmosphere of LRB feel loved, valued, sure of themselves, respectful of others, and keen to participate and contribute to the family.

Children raised without LRB feel conditionally loved, can lack confidence in their abilities, and may be disrespectful to themselves and others. These children are more likely to misbehave, be defiant and rebel.

What does LRB stand for?

*Unconditional love for your child, no matter how they behave

*Respect for your child’s ability to make choices and do things for themselves

*Belief in your child’s ability to learn to manage the outcome of these choices

Autumn Challenge: Over the next few weeks, we will send you some simple ways to ensure you are incorporating LRB in your parenting. Today’s focus is Unconditional Love and next we’ll follow up with some ideas on Respect and Belief in your child. We’ll have you feeling great about your parenting in no time!

Part 1 - Unconditional Love 

We all love our children. But if we take a look at what we actually say and do, what might we see? What messages are we giving to our children in the words we choose, the behaviors we display, and in the tone of our voice?

What children want is very simple -- love and approval from the parent. If we show, with our words and emotions, that we are angry or upset with our child over a certain behavior, the child may interpret it like this: Mom or Dad will love me more or less if I behave a certain way.

For example, a child does something noteworthy at school or at home, and we practically beam our love. But then, when he’s not doing his homework and ignoring our reminders, we tense up and our tone becomes sharper. Or we snap. When parents appear happy, sad or mad as a result of a child’s performance, the child not only sees this judgment but internalizes good or bad feelings about themselves.

With time, it can become a given, a belief: How well I perform=How much I am loved. This can feed a feeling of insecurity that will be highly detrimental over time.

Losing a parent’s love and approval hurts a child more than anything. And, it will invite one of three reactions:
* The child tries to win our love back by being obedient or pleasing
* The child hurts us back, retaliates
* The child gives up and retreats into their shell 

Whichever way, they are discouraged and will feel insecure.

Our solution to this dilemma is simple:

Love and accept our children as they are. Recognize that performance varies in life, goes up and down, but our love for our child does not. They need to know that no matter how they perform, regardless of whether they succeed or fail, they can count on our unconditional love and support. In an atmosphere of unconditional love, our children will develop a strong sense of belonging, and feel safe.

How do we do this in practice? Here are a few key ways…

1.   Separate the deed from the doer. In other words, I love you; I won’t always love your behavior.

We won’t always love everything our child does, but our love for him is never in question. Say your child is not getting ready for school in the morning. Even if you find yourself raising your voice more than you wished, you can make sure he knows you’re blasting his behavior, not him. “Andrew, you know I love you but I’m getting really frustrated at how long you’re taking this morning!”

2.      Three Daily Greetings with Hugs

We like to build unconditional love into every day with our children. Here’s an easy way we suggest to all parents. It’s called the Three Daily Greetings with Hugs. Hugging is fundamental to this ritual because it’s a physical demonstration of our love. Of course you can share your love more frequently but this is a powerful practice to start.

The first greeting in your child's day is in the morning.  Instead of “Come on get out of bed, we don’t want to be late”, we like to say something warm and caring such as, “It's great to see you! I need one of your hugs. Last night's has all worn off”. Share the unbridled joy you feel seeing your child. Then you can focus on the needs of the morning, but get that greeting and close connection with your child in there first! They may say “Go away!” and pull the covers over their heads, but the message will get through.
The second greeting and hug in the day is when we reunite – when we get home from work or pick them up at school. Before anything else, we like to let our kids know they’re the most important person in that moment, with a hug, a warm greeting, or a few words about how we thought about them during that day. Then they might hit us with their lunch box and say “You make yucky lunches”, but we know the words of unconditional love got in there, and they learn yet again that they don't have to do anything to earn our love. It has nothing to do with their performance; it is there no matter what!

The final greeting in the day is bedtime. Even if things go off the rails and get ugly, it’s great to assure them of our love, with words and actions.

Affection can be easier for some parents than it is for others.  

Even if you have trouble with it, this is a good time to dig deep. Research shows over and over again the power of closeness. It’s good for all children, even your teenager. Affection can be as simple as a big smile or a loving rub of their shoulder, or a wink from across the room. Or you might pull your child up onto your lap for a cuddle, or have a wrestle on the floor. Little kids like hugs, big kids like hugs.

The bottom line: Love is not supposed to be a tool to manipulate our children's behavior. It shouldn’t be used as a reward or punishment. When we shower our children with our unconditional love, it provides them with a secure and safe place to use their internal creativity, to grow, learn and flourish.

Next time…

We’ll share our thoughts about having Respect for our child’s ability to make choices and do things for himself.

Registration is in full swing!   Early Bird Special ends in a week!
Whether you have a toddler or teen we have a Parenting Course for you:

ParentingI – Raising Great Kids  
Preteen/TeenTeen – It’s a Whole New Ballgame!

Get in touch should you have any questions!

Warmly, 

Beverley and Doone 
416-480-2499 & 416-944-0412